# The terrible jokes thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 5, 2014, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404 "2014-07-05T13:22:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/41 "2014-07-06T13:53:01Z")
A bunch of conspiracy theorists are taking a bus tour of DC and surrounding areas and visiting all the famous conspiracy theory sites when, suddenly, a deer runs out from the side of the road causing the bus to swerve into a ravine. The bus crashes. All are killed. The conspiracy theorists meet God at the Pearly Gates and God says “Welcome, conspiracy theorists. Since you are all here together, you can ask me one burning question and I will answer truthfully.” They mill about to decide which question to ask God. Will it be about the birth certificate? Who put that deer in front of the bus? What about the moon landing hoax? Or perhaps the New World Order? Or Roswell? Eventually, they decide on JFK. “God,” they ask, “who killed JFK?” God replies “It was Lee Harvey Oswald, in the book depository, with a gun.” Most begin to enter the gates, but a few in the back huddle up and can be heard muttering “Hmmm, this one goes higher than we thought.” ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/42 "2014-07-06T14:13:30Z")
This has made the rounds here before, but what the heck: Who’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/43 "2014-07-06T14:14:10Z")
What’s the difference between elephants and blueberries? Elephants are gray. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming? Here come the elephants. What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming? Here come the blueberries. Jane is color-blind. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/44 "2014-07-06T14:25:46Z")
This will be the only one (of this type) from me, I promise: What is the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bowling balls? You can’t unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/45 "2014-07-06T14:47:07Z")
Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself? –Because it’s two-tyred. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/46 "2014-07-06T16:02:11Z")
There once was a man from Darfur whose limericks only went to line four When asked why this was He just said “Because” ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/47 "2014-07-06T16:12:42Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > He just said “Because” You might consider leaving off the second set of quotation marks. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/48 "2014-07-06T16:15:04Z")
Two nuns are sitting in the bath. One says to the other “Where’s the soap?” The other replies “Yes it does, doesn’t it?” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/49 "2014-07-06T16:18:41Z")
> [@PaulParkhead](#): > > Two nuns are sitting in the bath. What’s the difference between a nun praying, and a woman in a bubble bath? The nun has hope in her soul. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/50 "2014-07-06T16:22:25Z")
What’s the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? A goldfish mucks around a fountain. What’s the difference between a circus and a chorus lineup? The circus is a cunning array of stunts. What’s the difference between a saloon and an elephant passing gas? A saloon is a barroom. An elephant passing gas is a ba-_room!_ ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/51 "2014-07-06T16:58:44Z")
\*\*Traveler:\*\*I want a round-trip ticket. … **Ticket vendor:** Where to? … \*\*Traveler: \*\*Back here, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/52 "2014-07-06T17:11:04Z")
Last year I took a vacation around the world. This year I want to go someplace different. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/53 "2014-07-06T18:13:45Z")
> [@yo\_han\_go](#): > > True story (and movie material). > > My niece adopted twin albino cats from the shelter. Deaf of course. > > Me: “how ya call them” > > She: “Muffin and Puffy.” > > Me: “why not Asshole and Idiot, they wouldn’t know.” > > She: “you are an Asshole and Idiot and even you don’t know it.” Cold. But I love it. ---
**Author:** ![CheshireKat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheshirekat/32/1207_2.png) [@CheshireKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheshireKat)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/54 "2014-07-06T18:29:58Z")
Why are elephants so wrinkled? Have you ever tried to iron one? What’s that stuff between an elephant’s toes? Slow-running natives Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory? She kept discarding all the Ws ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/55 "2014-07-06T18:47:06Z")
> [@janis\_and\_c0](#): > > What’s pink & slippery? > > A slipper! Less risque, but better joke: What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper! What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back when you throw it? A stick! ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/56 "2014-07-06T18:58:17Z")
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror. Knock knock. Who’s there? Ya. Ya who? Sorry, I prefer Google. What’s at the bottom of the ocean and shivers? A nervous wreck. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER! ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/57 "2014-07-06T19:49:44Z")
In the South Bay part of Los Angeles County, heavy rains never come down in Hawthorne, or Lomita, or Palos Verdes, or El Segundo, or Redondo Beach. Heavy rains only come down in Torrance. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/58 "2014-07-06T20:01:04Z")
Why did Delaware her New Jersey? Idaho, but Alaska. What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One’s a slimy, scum-sucking, bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other one’s a fish. ---
**Author:** ![california\_jobcase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@california\_jobcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/california_jobcase)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/59 "2014-07-06T20:37:14Z")
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? Six. Why six? _ **Hey!! It just does, OK??? You got a problem with that???** _ ---
**Author:** ![CheshireKat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheshirekat/32/1207_2.png) [@CheshireKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheshireKat)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/60 "2014-07-06T20:55:23Z")
How many fourteen year old boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: You said SCREW! HAHAHAHA! How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404.md?page=4)