# The terrible jokes thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 5, 2014, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404 "2014-07-05T13:22:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/61 "2014-07-06T21:19:56Z")
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? A: Let’s go ride bikes! How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but the light bulb has to _want_ to change. How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? A: It’s an obscure number; you probably haven’t heard of it. How many contortionists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. But you have to wonder how the heck they got in there. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/62 "2014-07-06T21:19:57Z")
> [@swampbear](#): > > …A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store… When is a school paper not a school paper? When it’s turned into a teacher. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2014, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/63 "2014-07-06T22:17:32Z")
“But Mommy, I hate my sister’s guts!” … “Shut up and eat what I serve you.” ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/64 "2014-07-07T02:27:51Z")
“Knock knock” “Who’s there?” (Wait, I messed the joke up…) ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/65 "2014-07-07T04:30:24Z")
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? (New York accent): Fuck _you!_ (I’m a New Yorker and I love this joke) ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/66 "2014-07-07T05:00:32Z")
Joke, Part 1: The Dalai Lama walks up to a Central Park hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything” Joke, Part 2: The Lama gives the vendor a $20, gets nothing back. The Lama says, “What about my change?” The hot dog vendor replies, “Change comes from within.” 2 men walk into a bar. the third man ducks. ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/67 "2014-07-07T05:11:54Z")
The other day I finally noticed that my Magellan chimes with a rising melody for right turns, a descending melody for left turns, and two of the same note for continuing straight on. This, I decided, must be for the safety, comfort, and convenience of blind motorists. Because you know you’ve seen blind drivers before. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/68 "2014-07-07T05:25:29Z")
> [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](#): > > The other day I finally noticed that my Magellan chimes with a rising melody for right turns, a descending melody for left turns, and two of the same note for continuing straight on. This, I decided, must be for the safety, comfort, and convenience of blind motorists. > > Because you know you’ve seen blind drivers before. Calling Henny Youngman… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/69 "2014-07-07T05:54:33Z")
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating on the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs killed by a lion? Claude. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a car? Jack. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the washroom? John. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs thrown across a lake? Skip. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole? Phil. 🙂 > [@buddha\_david](#): > > How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? > A: It’s an obscure number; you probably haven’t heard of it. Wisserteen! ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/70 "2014-07-07T06:20:42Z")
Q. What do you call a girl with one leg short than the other? A. Eileen Q What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other A Irene ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/71 "2014-07-07T06:34:03Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > There once was a man from Darfur > whose limericks only went to line four > When asked why this was > He just said “Because” There was a young man from Dundee Whose limerick stopped at line three; When they asked why this was There was an old maid from Peru Whose limerick stopped at line two; There was an old man from Saigon (limerick about Emperor Nero omitted) ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/72 "2014-07-07T06:37:56Z")
Two gift bows looking to have some drinks were outside a bar with a sign that said “NO BOWS ALLOWED!”. One bow says to the other, “Well, I guess we’ll keep looking.” The other bow says, “To hell with that!” and proceeded to rub violently against the brick wall shredding his ribbons to bare threads. The other bow just stared at him in disbelief as he entered the bar and took up a stool. The bartender took a dubious look at him and said, “Wait a minute, aren’t you one of those bows? We don’t serve your kind here!” The bow replied, “No, I’m a frayed knot.” ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/73 "2014-07-07T12:05:19Z")
During training, Yoda asks Luke: Why was five afraid of seven? Because six seven eight. ---
**Author:** ![CheshireKat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheshirekat/32/1207_2.png) [@CheshireKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheshireKat)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/74 "2014-07-07T12:58:02Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating on the ocean? > Bob. You forgot one: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs nailed to the wall? Art 😃 ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/75 "2014-07-07T13:56:31Z")
Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear. A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation. How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/76 "2014-07-07T14:11:23Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > Q. What do you call a girl with one leg short than the other? > A. Eileen > > Q What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other > A Irene That should be _Japanese._ ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/77 "2014-07-07T14:18:35Z")
Q: What’s worse than a splinter in your finger? A: Cancer ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/78 "2014-07-07T14:22:54Z")
What’s better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded! ---
**Author:** ![CheshireKat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheshirekat/32/1207_2.png) [@CheshireKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheshireKat)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/79 "2014-07-07T14:26:11Z")
> [@Zeldar](#): > > Q: What’s worse than a splinter in your finger? > > A: Cancer I recognize that! Thanks to this thread, I found the hilarious anti-joke site last night. I got to page 9 before making myself go to bed. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2014, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/80 "2014-07-07T14:34:49Z")
Why are giraffes so tall? Because they hate the smell of their feet. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404.md?page=5)