# The Terrible Legal Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 21, 2022, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894 "2022-02-21T19:55:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Asuka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@Asuka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asuka)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/1 "2022-02-21T19:55:26Z")
Inspired by a similar topic, what’s the worst legal advice you’ve been ever given or seen given, either because it’s not true or because it’s actually illegal? “If you ever need to beat someone up with a baseball bat, while carrying it in your car throw in a ball and glove to. So if the police stop you at any point after the beating and find the bat you can just tell them you were just going to the park to play ball” I’ve seen that a few times and the sheer absurdity of why it wouldn’t work should be plainly obvious. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_S](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@Max\_S](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_S)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/2 "2022-02-21T20:01:39Z")
“Invite the lawyer, in case the cops show up.” ~Max ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/3 "2022-02-21T20:10:03Z")
> [@Asuka](#): > > Inspired by a similar topic, what’s the worst legal advice you’ve been ever given or seen given, either because it’s not true or because it’s actually illegal? > > “If you ever need to beat someone up with a baseball bat, while carrying it in your car throw in a ball and glove to. So if the police stop you at any point after the beating and find the bat you can just tell them you were just going to the park to play ball” > > I’ve seen that a few times and the sheer absurdity of why it wouldn’t work should be plainly obvious. - Would adding a catcher’s mask and glove help? ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/4 "2022-02-21T20:13:41Z")
At least that’s not as bad as “If you ever shoot someone, make sure you kill them, so they can’t give their side of the story”. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/5 "2022-02-21T20:16:17Z")
If you ask an undercover cop if they’re a cop, they have to say yes. So, if you ask and they say no, you’re golden. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/6 "2022-02-21T20:20:59Z")
I had a friend that insisted that if she stuck to her program of lie and deny, she couldn’t get in trouble. She seriously thought she couldn’t be convicted of a crime as long as she didn’t admit it. She was soon proved wrong….the hard way. I know this is a hard one to swallow but she actually said words to the effect of “I’m not worried, I’m not going to admit anything and the judge has to believe me.” ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/7 "2022-02-21T20:23:52Z")
> [@Asuka](#): > > “If you ever need to beat someone up with a baseball bat, while carrying it in your car throw in a ball and glove to. So if the police stop you at any point after the beating and find the bat you can just tell them you were just going to the park to play ball” My grandfather and dad both gave that advice many times. I think a few of my other, more extended, more ‘connected’ family members may have done it. Also, it’s my understanding that you aren’t keeping the ball and glove with the bat so you can say you were on your way to play baseball as an alibi, but rather it’s so that _when_ you get caught, you have a legitimate, non-violent reason for carrying a baseball bat around in your car. Someone else I know did something similar, but he would keep a tire iron in the back seat. Again, it can be explained (believed or otherwise) that you were getting attacked and you were lucky you just happened to toss the tire iron in the car instead of the trunk the last time you used it. It reminds me of the, most likely fake, story I heard where I person was throwing nuts and bolts out his car window at other drivers. When the cop pulled him over and saw a cup holder full of nuts and bolts he joked that next time he should use coins since everyone has coins in the cup holder but only you have nuts and bolts in there. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/8 "2022-02-21T20:32:44Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > It reminds me of the, most likely fake, story I heard where I person was throwing nuts and bolts out his car window at other drivers. When the cop pulled him over and saw a cup holder full of nuts and bolts he joked that next time he should use coins since everyone has coins in the cup holder but only you have nuts and bolts in there. - “Driving is war and I give no quarter!” ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/9 "2022-02-21T20:47:53Z")
If you like to drink and drive, keep a bottle of whiskey in your glove box. And if you ever get pulled over while intoxicated, jump out of the car and down that bottle of whiskey in front of the officer. The idea being, you didn’t get drunk until AFTER you got out of the car as a defense. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/10 "2022-02-21T20:54:27Z")
Places you might be able to pull this off _if_ the officer bought your story: > **[Everywhere You Can (Legally) Drink in Public in America](https://www.thrillist.com/culture/where-drinking-in-public-is-legal)** > > Without a paper bag, we mean. ---
**Author:** ![flurb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/51bf81/32.png) [@flurb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flurb)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/11 "2022-02-21T21:01:59Z")
I have not been subject to this advice, but the advice I hear that makes my blood boil is when someone is told not to report an incidence of sexual misconduct or assault because, “it’ll be he said, she said.” There may be physical evidence. There may be corroborating witnesses. There may be other victims with similar stories. The perpetrator may brag about it to others or agree to talk to the police and incriminate himself. And even if the victim’s testimony really is the only substantial evidence, a jury may well find it credible enough to convict. No victim should every be persuaded from pursuing justice. ---
**Author:** ![Asuka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@Asuka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asuka)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/12 "2022-02-21T21:05:49Z")
I legit heard on a radio show somebody call in in the 00s that if you “ever have your wife call the cops on you over domestic problems” take a frying pan and whack yourself on the forehead with it until you bleed, then when the cops come claim “mutual combat” and the cops will now have to either arrest you both or arrest neither and the cops would rather not arrest two people. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/13 "2022-02-21T21:11:54Z")
> [@Asuka](#): > > “If you ever need to beat someone up with a baseball bat, while carrying it in your car throw in a ball and glove to. So if the police stop you at any point after the beating and find the bat you can just tell them you were just going to the park to play ball” I’ve heard that advice, but with _before_ rather than _after_… ---
**Author:** ![WildaBeast](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wildabeast/32/6_2.png) [@WildaBeast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WildaBeast)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/14 "2022-02-21T21:20:59Z")
> [@flurb](#): > > I have not been subject to this advice, but the advice I hear that makes my blood boil is when someone is told not to report an incidence of sexual misconduct or assault because, “it’ll be he said, she said.” That reminded me of this terrible advice I overheard one guy telling another when I was in college – “Don’t ask her for permission; just start doing stuff. If she’s too shy to say no it’s not rape.” 🙄 ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/15 "2022-02-21T21:40:13Z")
> [@flurb](#): > > I have not been subject to this advice, but the advice I hear that makes my blood boil is when someone is told not to report an incidence of sexual misconduct or assault because, “it’ll be he said, she said.” Another one I hate is when college kids are told by college admins/coaches/directors not to report it to the police because they’ll [the school] will handle it internally. My suggestion (not that I’ve ever been in a position to be talking to someone soliciting my advice on the subject) has always been to let them ‘handle it internally’, but in the mean time, report it to the police…and by “the police”, I mean drive off campus and go to the local “real” police/sheriff dept and file a report. You can absolutely let the school know and you can absolutely let the school ‘handle it internally’, but the wheels should be in motion on the legal side as well. This way if the school does something that you feel is satisfactory, you don’t have to press charges, but if they brush it under the rug, the police already have statements and evidence. If you get any push back, go to a hospital and get checked out, then find a lawyer. > [@Asuka](#): > > I legit heard on a radio show somebody call in in the 00s that if you “ever have your wife call the cops on you over domestic problems” take a frying pan and whack yourself on the forehead with it until you bleed, then when the cops come claim “mutual combat” and the cops will now have to either arrest you both or arrest neither and the cops would rather not arrest two people. I can’t imagine cops showing up to a domestic violence call, seeing both people bashed up and saying ‘lets just call it even’ and leaving. One I remember hearing back in the 90s was that you should keep your driver’s license, insurance and vehicle registration in an envelope in your car. That way if you get pulled over and you have alcohol on your breath you can hand the envelope to the officer to avoid both him smelling your breath and seeing how much you’re fumbling around in the car just try to get your info together. I asked a cop about this. Granted he was very, very new officer, but I remember him saying that if he pulled someone over and they handed him their DL and other info in an envelope, he’d have some follow up questions for them since that’s pretty out of the ordinary. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/16 "2022-02-21T21:42:44Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > At least that’s not as bad as “If you ever shoot someone, make sure you kill them, so they can’t give their side of the story”. Agree; if you are ever involved in a self-defense shooting, your goal is to _stop_ the threat, not kill the person. (Any death is incidental.) And don’t use the term “kill” when the cops show up, e.g. do not say, “I was was scared for my life, so I used my gun to kill him.” Say, “I was was scared for my life, so I used my gun to _stop_ him.” (And then tell them you have nothing more to say, and you want to speak with your lawyer.) ---
**Author:** ![TheCuse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thecuse/32/2854_2.png) [@TheCuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheCuse)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/17 "2022-02-21T21:47:45Z")
I remember years ago, a friend of mine said to keep a jar of peanut butter in your car.That way if you’re drunk and get pulled over, eat some peanut butter as the peanut butter breath will block the breathalyzer from getting a reading. ---
**Author:** ![Bonum\_Legatum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bonum_legatum/32/6183_2.png) [@Bonum\_Legatum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bonum_Legatum)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/18 "2022-02-21T21:54:44Z")
> [@Asuka](#): > > “If you ever need to beat someone up with a baseball bat, while carrying it in your car throw in a ball and glove to. So if the police stop you at any point after the beating and find the bat you can just tell them you were just going to the park to play ball” Sounds like the counterpart of this: [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/1f-jzGNpUmo/maxresdefault.jpg "Strelnikov and Zhivago") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1f-jzGNpUmo) ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/19 "2022-02-21T22:41:44Z")
Told to me by a cop: If someone breaks into your house, shoot them dead, put one of your kitchen knives in their hand and tell the police you were afraid for your life. Although to be fair, given how, uh-hem, _conservative_ the cops were in that jurisdiction it could have been the best legal advice. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894/20 "2022-02-21T22:55:38Z")
Yeah, granted that it’s tough to prove that the sex was non-consensual… but it’s even tougher if you never even report it. And people do get convicted of rape, so it’s obviously possible. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-legal-advice-thread/959894.md?page=2)