Just like others have posted. I wish there were a series of challenges that the same pair do head-to-head instead of a one-and-done elimination. They should have half an episode with the men and the other with the women. They can alternate what they show in the program leading to the Mt Olympus finale.
Haah…this is going to be a short one, mainly because we’ve seen this stuff before, and partly because there are deeper issues I feel like addressing which cannot be adequately handled with this stupid 3500 character limit. In brief: NO MORE OBSESSING OVER ENDLESSLY SCREAMING KIDS. I didn’t even understand what was so special about Rowan Skivington to begin with, but the roughly 99,000 shots he got tonight were beyond aggravating.
Anyway, Wayne Skivington (Cirque Do Soleil! And an incredibly annoying 7-year-old albatross!) dispatched Robbie Rodriguez (More two-and-out social justice cannon fodder, because that totally worked last week!) in short order, decisively overpowering him on Nuts & Bolts and Lunar Impact. The women’s side was a little more competitive, Lindsey Hamm edging out Jamara Garrett on Chain Linked after the latter had an inopportune slip at the end, then getting a much better start on Kick Out and finishing the final piston unopposed. Oh yeah, Garrett is black, because of course she is. With each episode thi show becomes more of a white cishet showcase. Lovely.
On Olympus, Margaux Alvarez took care of business in convincing fashion, leaving her powerless adversary in the dust by Drop Zone and making the victory turn before Hamm even made it to the ball. There were questions as to whether she was really that good after the melee the West had become, and she resoundingly answered them tonight. I’ll be very surprised if she isn’t wearing a medal next Monday. The men’s side was considerably tighter, both men actually falling on the ball pull; in the end Noah Palicia’s iron strength won the day, allowing him to reach the tomb first and smash through it faster. He’s looked powerful this season; having to do more work than anyone else hasn’t bothered him at all, and there’s a pretty good chance that he’ll run the table.
Welp, that’s it. See you all at regional finals, and let’s all hope that Skivington loses first, for obvious reasons! 
West Finals! Fun stuff! I’ll take as many damned posts as I need to cover it, damn it! 
Hammer Down, men’s: Victor Cruz vs. Exodus Rogers vs. Wayne Skivington
Oh joy, we’re going to get treated to roughly 500,000 shots of both Rowan Skivington and Cesia Rogers screaming into the camera. Perfect.
Rogers has excellent form and easily gets the first pole. Skivington’s first falls soon after, followed by Rogers’ second. Then Cruz’s first…followed immediately by Skivington’s second. Cruz isn’t doing too badly, but he needs to step it up if he doesn’t want to make the same bitter walk of shame as Claressa Shields. Cruz gets his second, and just like that Rogers claims gold and is on his way to a forceful victory…and then he makes a weird jump that lands him on the underside of the pole. He’s a big man and that was definitely a very questionable move for him. Cruz fells his gold, while Skivington…is struggling! He can’t seem to get the oomph needed to move that final peg! Could we get blessed relief from that absolutely wretched boy in the very first contest? Cruz goes for an underside climb as well, and it seems to be working for him, while Rogers stubbornly muscles his way to the pull chain of destiny. Come on, guys! Rogers nearly falls off!! 
…but saves it! He’s there! He…
Goddammit. Whether due to fatigue or overconfidence, he makes a dinky little reach, comes up short, and falls all the way to the cold, hard mat. And that seals his fate: Cruz completes his climb, actually winning the freaking contest, while Skivington takes a fall, but at this point Rogers barely has the energy to breathe, and Skivington makes his second shot count. I rarely use the place “finishing second ugly”, but this was a perfect example.
Hammer Down, women’s: Kelly Valdez vs. Jessie Graff vs. Lindsey Hamm
Graff always seems to be feast or famine no matter what contest she’s in. She wastes no time coming and getting it on the poles, claiming her first two in seconds. Valdez has one, and Hamm…is trying, dangit. Graff goes for a reverse swing on the gold for some reason, which doesn’t work out for her, barely clipping the peg on the first swing and missing entirely on her next two. Hamm finally gets her first, but Valdez claims #2 soon afterward. And Graff takes gold first! She gets to start the final climb first, a task which is right up her alley…this could be a blowout. She takes the under, and the camera doesn’t even pretend that anything else matters right now, capturing her very quick ascent to victory. She made it look so easy! 
All that’s left is for Valdez to put this to bed, which, despite some predictable horse race twaddle from the announcers, she does pretty decisively.
After Cruz and Graff got sent to the doghouse after their very first contest, there were concerns as to whether they belonged here at all, and they both answered in the affirmative. I still don’t think either has a whisper of a ghost of a prayer of winning the regional, but they should at least make things interesting, which is all anyone can ask for at this point. I’m especially glad for Graff, as it truly looked like The Great Fall would happen here, and it didn’t. Whatever you may think of her, who she is and what she’s accomplished means a lot for girls all across the country, and I never want to see her crash and burn.
Huh. And we learn for the first time that Resistance has a two minute time limit, going to sudden death if they’re still tied at that point. Would’ve been nice to have known this in the Central regional. Or, y’know, have a clock on the screen all the time instead of when they feel like it. Guess reality TV’s gotta reality TV, am I right? 
Resistance, men’s: Victor Cruz vs. Wayne Skivington
Both men go for the same side of the arena and get started on their first drums. Skivington makes a hearty throw but from too far back, and it lands uselessly on the ramp; lifts his first up and over. Now Skivington gets more aggressive, trying to deny his foe another scoring chance. Both men struggle against each other, Skivington seemingly having the upper hand but not by muc. Suddenly Cruz surrenders the duel and dashes to Skivington’s side, and Skivington promptly capitalizes with his first drum…and then his second.
And that’s the end of Cruz’s chances, as he simply doesn’t have the strength or stamina for this. He barely manages to clear a second drum with a pretty underhand toss, but the rest of the match is all Skivington, manhandling both his opponent and remaining targets with equal aplomb.
And…oh, crap. Right after his trumph, he has a seat and says he says that he hurt his ankle. He was by far Noah Palicia’s toughest test on Olympus, and this is about to turn the final into a romp. 
Resistance, women’s: Kelly Valdez vs. Jessie Graff
Both women go in opposite directions and get thrown to the floor, which the announcers get just a bit too hyper about. Graff’s strategy is to gather all the drums together and dispatch them en masse, while Valdez scrambles from drum to drum to see which is the easiest target. Both competitors are nearly equal in strength and neither approach is effective. The contest settles into a grueling stalemate, with each woman cancelling the other’s efforts and the score remaining deadlocked at zero. Valdez slides a drum to the ramp, nothing more. Graff can barely move. Valdez flips a drum over, and it leans tantalizingly against the ramp for a second before sliding back down. Graff tries to roll a drum over; it taps lightly against the ramp before rolling back. Frustrating!
At 23 seconds we see the clock. Valdez lifts a drum, leans it against the ramp…and again it slides down! Come on, focus, don’t try to brute-force it! Graff is fading; hitting the deck at the same time as three drums. 6 seconds! A clumsy toss by Valdez goes nowhere! Will we have sudden death? Valdez has a hold…she…almost casually lifts and pushes it over at the 1-second mark. Final score: Valdez 1, Graff 0. Good contest! 
Olympus, men’s: Wayne Skivington vs. Noah Palicia
Yeah, no drama. Skivington was barely walking by Sky Bridge…oh, geez, did he hold his back after finishing Crank Down? This is just cruel now.
Olympus, women’s: Kelly Valdez vs. Margaux Alvarez
Alvarez slightly ahead after two. Setting a good pace on Log Lift…AND SHE FALLS!..but incredibly, the log gets locked in nonetheless! If that thing had gone all the way to the bottom, we could’ve had a very interesting contest! As it is, Alvarez boringly asserts her superiority and essentially nails it shut at Cage Crawl. Valdez does manage a brief entertaining surge on Ball & Chain, but that drains the last of her reserves, leaving nothing for the tomb. Alvarez takes home a satisfying ten-to-eight.
So that’s it for the West. Once again some entertaining contests but not much championship drama. We’ll see if the East can improve on that mark.
I had never heard of this show until seeing an episode this week. I liked that it had the same positive tone as ANW; not the usual trash talking of most competition shows these days.
It seems like the competitors could improve their results with better technique. When Jessie Graff was trying to hit that pin with her sledgehammer to get the tower thing to fall, she had one hand up close to the head of the hammer. I learned a long time ago that you hold near the end of the handle to get more power.
In that thing with the barrels, there wasn’t quite enough rope to get close to the perimeter, so you have to toss the barrel the last few feet. I wonder if anyone has tried putting two or three barrels in a row (like rollers), so you push on the one in back and the one in front rolls up and over. It looked like Graff (sorry to pick on her again) might have been trying that, but she was wasting energy and trying to move three barrels at once.
Interesting show, but I’d like to see a little more skill than just brute strength.
Oh, hey, looks like we’ve been de-microscopic attention span-ized. Would’ve been nice to actually have some ding-dong confirmation, but guess I gotta take what I can get in these troubled times. All righty…
Before I begin, a quick word on putting transsexuals, homosexuals, etc. on this show. This, of course, is a much too serious subject to cover in depth in a flighty Cafe Society thread, but in brief: I’m for it. Variety is good, progress is good, tolerance is good. Patriarchy, status quo, machismo, and “traditional values” have done NOTHING for me, and I am 100% in favor of people other than bitter whites with sticks up their rectums having some visibility in society. I’m just a little dismayed that medium always seems to be reality television these days, which guarantees that they’ll have all the staying power of a candle in a hurricane. One of the overpowering mandates of reality TV is “ELIMINATE, ELIMINATE, ELIMINATE!!” which is so powerful it persists in shows where it makes zero sense. (Remember Splash, which had like 10 contestants to start with and jettisoned everyone even marginally attractive in the first 3 weeks?) I have never seen a medium so completely hellbent on getting rid of the very reason for its existence, and sadly the end result is that the ones with positive messages barely get to say it before being given the heave-ho. I don’t see this as progress, I see it as thinly-veiled tokenism. Invite one of these contestants on a show where they’re guaranteed at least one full episode and maybe, maybe I’ll cheer along.
Women’s side: Cynthia Gauthier (Monster trucks!) vs. Haley Johnson (Dead dad! Also endless aggravating leitmotifs, because why not! )
Chain Linked - Johnson immediately jumps out to a big lead, which becomes a huge lead on the pull-over part…then gives up the lead when she becomes unbelievably timid for some bizarre reason and refuses to make the jump…sheesh, was she an American Ninja Warrior transplant or something? But she finally finds their courage, and the lead is back, and…Gauthier just kinda gives up at this point. Real inspiring stuff, DJ. 
(Having multiple facepalm smileys really helps when covering reality TV!)
Kick Out - Johnson looks like a natural, slamming in her two pistons with amazing speed. Gauthier can’t get a good rhythm, clipping and even outright missing with her kicks. Another complete mismatch. 
Men’s side: Will Sutton (Farm work!) vs. Kareem Brinson (Overemotional daughter!)
Nuts & Bolts - Both men are nearly dead even on the top row, and this looks like it’s going to be a great contest…which is instantly dashed when Sutton runs to the back. An announcer says disbelievingly that there’s over 1,000 pounds left on the wall; needless to say, it doesn’t budge an inch. Brinson actually looked like he slowed down a bit at the end, but there’s no making up such a big blunder.
Lunar Impact - Before the contest, DJ says that it can take 20 minutes or 20 seconds, which will turn out to be an ill omen. Brinson slips at the very start of the ladder and takes much too long to pull himself up, allowing Sutton to attack the wall full-bore; it’s more than halfway to victory by the time Brinson gains his feet. To his credit, he faces the onrushing steel terror fearlessly, but he’s immediately on his heels and never recovers. Time of match: 17 seconds. Brinson’s daughter cries at his defeat, and I really do not like inviting guests on the show who aren’t prepared for that possibility, dammit. 
Herculean Pull - Brinson works quickly and gets all his silvers, while Sutton still has one left, but once again his feet betray him, slipping on the way to the pole. Both men get on the gold, and it settles into a bitter stalemate…for about five seconds, which is when Sutton makes a big pull, throwing Brinson completely off balance and causing him to fall. One last feeble swipe at the pole slips right off, and Sutton ices it.
No surprise on either end. The women’s side was as one-sided as it usually is, while Sutton’s physical superiority, especially with his feet, ensured that he’d overcome his early mistake and prevail.
Now let’s see who the remaining house partiers are. For the women it’s Hannah Teter, an Olympic gold-medal winning…snowboarder. Yeah. Um, DJ, if you’re going to go for an Olympian, medallist or otherwise, wouldn’t it make more sense to pick a weightlifter? Or shot putter? Or hammer thrower? Or maybe a boxer? You made this show, dangit, you should know what it takes to succeed! He gushes over her “explosive power”, showing clips of her snowboarding runs as proof. Yeah, explosive power on a freaking snowboard! Does he really think this translates to lifting a log up a ramp or dragging a ball and chain? The man looks more promising: Tyrone Woodley, a 5-time MMA champion…
OKAY, TIME OUT - Do I have to be the guy who says this? Truly? Ah, screw it…“X-time champion” is impressive only in a sport where each tournament or event has its own championship, qualification for which does not necessitate freaking losing to someone. A 5-time French Open champion is, if he’s still fairly young and healthy, a bonafide superstar, or if he’s close to retirement, one of the all-time greats. A 5-time Battlebots or cornhole champion is a face of the sport and instrumental in bringing it to the mainstream. A 5-time MMA champion, who lost it four times, is…a coulda-been. A good-but-not-great. A gatekeeper. At worst he could be an outright choker or wildly inconsistent. Bottom line, “5-time MMA champion” is a really bizarre thing to try to hype up. Couldn’t DJ just point to one or two of Woodley’s noteworthy victories? Hey, it worked for Muhammad Ali.
…who’s plenty jacked and shows excellent legwork in his clips. If he can set a fast pace on the three agility tasks, Starting Gates, Cage Crawl, and Drop Zone, I think he has an excellent chance.
Mount Olympus, women: Hannah Teter vs. Haley Johnson
Teter has fine coordination on Staring Gates and takes the early lead. And that would be the last good news for her as she struggles mightily on Box Flip. It takes her 17 seconds to get it over (yeah, I timed it). A big struggle up Iron Ascent follows, then…holy crap, she can barely move the log at all. FYI, Johnson isn’t having the greatest run either, but being Piston Hurricane isn’t a problem if your opponent is Gabby Jay. (We’re good Nintendo fanboys, we all got that reference, right? ) Teter simply does not have the muscle for this. At all. I’m not even going to touch Ball & Chain, it’s just too sad. Johnson in a literal walk.
Mount Olympus, men: Tyrone Woodley vs. Will Sutton
Sutton shows impressive speed out of the gate and is first to the box. And the first to…damn, I think that’s the fastest I’ve seen anyone complete Iron Ascent! Woodley was pretty fast up it as well, but appears to have slowed down a bit at Log Lift. Sutton is on to Crank Down…
…oh, crap. We’ve just discovered Woodley’s weakness…stamina. Not even halfway through, he looks gassed. Meanwhile, Sutton looks as energetic as ever; the lead is a full obstacle after Crank Down and still growing. It’s over. Much like his counterpart Teter, Woodley’s sad ambitions end with a pitiful display on Ball & Chain.
Of DJ’s six handpicked Titans, five of them lost their very first contest, and the other won by a hair (and might have been bounced on his second night were it not for that idiotic headfirst exit). The problem is the same as on Dancing With The Stars: He’s not getting elite athletes, he’s getting formerly elite athletes. Anyone who’s playing at a top level right now can’t afford to take several weeks off for some cheesy manufactured contest, so DJ has to settle for jocks who are past their prime, perhaps many years past. That’s not a recipe for success. I understand the desire to have a king of the mountain and the primal thrill in bellowing “NNNEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!”, but a successful manager realizes when something isn’t working. Here’s hoping this innovation isn’t around for the third iteration.
Robot Arm - I’m not so sure that would work; at best it’d be an all-or-nothing desperation ploy. The problem is that they’d have to move multiple objects from essentially a face-down position, and they’re fighting gravity. I still think footwork is the key here; trying to go arms-only is a recipe for a weak throw that bounces uselessly off the ramp.
Fuckin’ HELL you’ve put a LOT of thought into a minor TV show
Well, there isn’t anything else I really like on right now, and I think this has potential. (That plus I had a bit of a backlog due to, er, not being able to properly expound for a few weeks.) I’ll probably slow down for the rest of the East since we more or less know what to expect, but hey, it’s a fun season despite everything and I’m definitely going to be around to the end.
Oh, and I strongly suggest that you avoid my comments on the American Ninja Warrior thread. (Actually, that might be a good idea regardless of where you’re coming from.)
Before I begin, I’d like to address a small issue someone at Primetimer brought up: That the women wear cleavage-exposing, butt-emphasizing skintight outfits, whereas the men have more practical two-layer numbers. What do I think about this injustice? Eh…the rules say you gotta wear it, you wear it. This just goes back to sports having lots of arbitrary conventions that don’t make sense in the real world. Seriously, a sport where you’re not allowed to use your hands? If you want to be an athlete, you just have to deal. And yes, I feel exactly the same way about beach volleyball, gymnastics, swimming, etc.
Women’s side: Michelle Lewis (Da miluhterree! / Yet another doomed black woman! 
) vs. Dasha Kuret (Wrestler who did not have nearly as much success as DJ!)
Launch Pad - Lewis fails to understand that in this contest, quality matters, not quantity. She gets lots of little ticky-tacky kicks but fails to make significant progress on any of the panels. Kuret shows her how it’s done and seals a 4-0 curbstomp. Ye goddesses.
Over The Edge - Meh.
Men’s side: Andrew Hanus (Dead mom!) vs. Ryan Steenberg (Limited golf skills!)
Chain Linked - Hanus has no trouble getting across the fences, while Steenberg is having trouble just keeping his massive bulk on. A fall ends his chances.
Kick Out - Wow. You really see the difference when Steenberg gets to unleash his power. He gets the second piston in on a single kick. On the contested center piston, he’s clearly winning the duel. But when he has just a few inches to go, his arms betray him again and he falls! Now’s Hanus’ chance to make up some ground…and he does a bunch of little 45-degree mincing kicks on the top of the piston. Did you learn nothing from Lewis’ mistakes? 
Steenberg gets back up and puts this one away.
Herculean Pull - For a while it looks like Hanus has the upper hand, but Steenberg’s stubborn resistance eventually pays off, and he’s gaining ground. Both men hit the deck and get back up at around the same time. Hanus’ fate is sealed when he succumbs to fatigue and drops a second time. An amazing battle of attrition!
So the men at least are capable of providing some drama: Of the eight qualifiers we’ve had so far, there have been four three-rounders, and in three of them the man who lost the first round won the match. The women, meanwhile, continue their dismal cavalcade of predictability: After the Baillet/McMillian 3-rounder in the first episode, seven straight qualifiers have been tuwoes, and most of them weren’t even remotely competitive. Maybe it really is time to look into competency testing?
Olympus was a letdown after that as status quo prevailed again. Kuret took ten seconds to flip the box (yes, I timed it), and from there it went downhill like Homestar Runner that one time. She could barely move the log at all. (DJ claimed that she was “getting the leverage”, and anytime you hear a wrestler blabber about leverage, you know something’s gone completely off the rails.) Made it as far as Cage Crawl before Haley Johnson very nonchalantly made it official. Steenberg didn’t even accomplish that much, falling off of Iron Ascent and immediately wincing in pain (“left bicep”); Will Sutton graciously accepted the freebie. After some nasty injuries in the first contest, DJ bent over backwards to make this season as safe as possible, and it’s a very bad sign that Steenberg still found a way to hurt himself.
OMG Mrs. Cups and I watch every week and I JUST NOW noticed this thread. Your recaps are hilarious and please, for the love of God, keep it up
Thank you! And I have no intention of stopping, at least not this election cycle! 
One of the things I’ve had to come to terms with in my many years of watching reality TV was the sheer variety of little annoyances to grumble about. Tonight another came to the fore, something I’ve dubbed Profile Banality Fatigue. It’s that feeling you get late in the season where you’ve seen the same bland stories over and over and over, to the point where you start imagining them saying something, anything different. Yeah, tonight was the night. Here are the four contestants in the final prelim along with what would’ve been a vast improvement over the usual pap.
Courtney Roselle (Self-esteem issues!)
“Growing up, I was very tall and muscular. Then I took up modelling, but they said I was too tomboyish, despite having a perfectly healthy and quite powerful body. Modelling sucks. It’s nothing but ridiculous expectations and disappointment. What the hell was I thinking.”
Shantal Athill (Firefighter! Strong! You can tell because of the sappy leitmotif! )
“I hope I do not completely stink up the joint on national television like every other black woman who’s ever been here!”
Blake Broadhurst (Train harder! Train harder!)
“I trained super hard for the first season. But I wasn’t accepted, so I felt like a total schmuck. But I was accepted this time, so I’m training even harder in an effort to not stink up the joint and look like an even bigger schmuck. Hey, no pressure!”
Josh Porter (Army!)
“One of my best buddies was in my unit. Sadly, he got killed by an enemy booby trap. See, people get killed in the armed forces. If you don’t want to get killed or see someone close to you get killed, maybe choose a line of work where some drooling halfwit in the White House can’t get send you off to get blown up for no good reason.”
The fight for Olympus was a complete yawner. On Nuts & Bolts, Athill was so utterly inept that she could barely budge any of the weights. She looked for all the world like a baby with extremely bad hand-eye coordination trying vainly to get the plastic hoops off the peg. Roselle, who could’ve just clean-swept the wall for an easy victory, decided to get macho and go to the back with 350 pounds left. A valiant struggle, to no avail, of course, which would’ve been a fatal error if Athill still hadn’t even completed the freaking top. Roselle did what she should have done in the first place and ended this garbage fire of a contest. Lunar Impact wasn’t any improvement, as both women hit the wall at nearly the same time, whereupon Athill offered roughly the same resistance as a potted plant and was promptly hustled to defeat. (Athill later claimed that it was “a great experience”, and I shudder to think of what a bad experience would have been like.) On Launch Pad, Broadhurst showed better form early and blasted off to a 3-1 lead, but then his form completely deserted him, allowing Porter to come all the way back, and then Broadhurst promptly screwed the rest of the kennel by taking far too long to pull up the slack on Over The Edge, allowing Porter to tip the victory marker with one pull, completely unopposed. I respect that DJ accepts curbstomps and doesn’t try to sugarcoat them; could his next step being taking measures to not have so damn many? It’s no benefit to any contest if you know who’s going to advance after one round.
All right, I made it this far…
Mount Olympus, men: Will Sutton vs. Josh Porter
Sutton is slightly faster through the gates. Porter badly mishandles his box and gets it severely crooked, but he’s somehow able to get on it…oh wow, that’s some serious speed on Iron Ascent! And even more amazing speed on Log Lift…but a slight miscue on the lock-in keeps him just behind. Both men work fast on Sky Bridge, and Sutton is still just ahead. Now Crank Down. We’ve seen Porter use his fast hands to good effect on a chain and rope, and… wow, that is fast! And Porter takes the lead! 
He continues demonstrating his quickness on Cage Crawl, making it through three tight sections like nothing…
Oh. Oh crap. Just as he’s about to make a picture-perfect exit from Cage Crawl, he loses his footing and lands hard on his side.
And this one’s over. Porter bravely battles on through Drop Zone, but after just a few seconds pulling the ball, he has to give up; the pain is just too much. A match that was a hard-fought neck-and-neck battle 80% of the way ends in a walk.
I’ll spell it out: The chances of there being any excitement on the men’s side next Monday depend 100% on how badly hurt Porter is and whether he can recover; Tyrone Woodley and Ryan Steenberg have about as much of chance of beating Sutton as of headlining an AEW event. Unfortunately, in a physical challenge as intense as the Titan Games, even something as minor as a bruise can spell doom. Fingers definitely crossed.
Mount Olympus, women: Haley Johnson vs. Courtney Roselle
Super tight at the start, Johnson barely ahead after two. Roselle has a better rhythm on Iron Ascent and inches ahead. On Log Lift…Roselle has a slight stumble!..but she recovers and only gives up a split second. Johnson still ahead by a nose after Sky Bridge. They look dead even on Crank Down…but Roselle’s bridge drops first! I didn’t think it was possible for a women’s contest here to be this good…intentionally or not, they saved the best for last! Both have very good form on Cage Crawl, and Roselle is still barely ahead at the exit. Now it’s make or break time…and it’s Roselle who makes, charging ahead and extending the lead to the tomb. Johnson manages to keep it close to the bitter end, but when Roselle extracts her Relic first, the outcome is no longer in doubt. Amazingly enough, the two closest prelims Olympus finishes were the very first and the very last.
Feeling just a bit sorry for Johnson right now. Much like Chantae McMillian, she did more work than anyone else in her division and could walk away with nothing. Roselle is going to be very hard to beat in the regional final, and barring a freak accident (which I never want, of course), I’m not seeing a scenario where she loses.
Fun Fact! Blake Broadhurst is from Orlando and his wife and Mrs. Cups used to work together! Mrs. Cups promptly freaked out when they showed the family picture. It would have been a bit cooler had he shown ANY fight in the game but…oh well.
Development! Ryan Steenburg is too badly injured to compete tonight, so the guy he beat is taking his place in the regional final! Also, Hannah Teter informed us that she is “hungry”! She should alleviate that by eating the carton of eggs she sucked three weeks ago!
Hammer Down, women’s: Hannah Teter vs. Dasha Kuret vs. Haley Johnson
Johnson is on the board first, followed quickly by…Teter? Meanwhile Kuret is flagging badly; she looks like she simply doesn’t have the muscle to keep up. Her pistons are moving seemingly an inch at a time. Johnson sets an impressive pace, while Teter…nearly catches up! They both go up before Kuret has even finished her second pole, and make the climb…on the underside. Uhhhhh…do not like this approach, as they’re going to be fighting gravity every inch of the way and severely taxing all four limbs. Meanwhile Kuret flails away at the gold, refusing to give up…which turns out to be a sound notion as both Teter and Johnson fall. Geez! Worse, Johnson can’t seem to regain her grip. Teter gets back on the right way this time and painfully inches toward her goal, while, Kuret…puts her right foot beneath her body. Eh, I dunno about that; if that limb falls asleep, she’s toast. Regardless, it works for her…allowing her to pull the chain first! Johnson runs out of steam and Teter completes the climb…and…crap, it feels so weird typing that.
Hammer Down, men’s: Andrew Hanus vs. Tyrone Woodley vs. Josh Porter
Woodley is the first to complete hammering, followed almost immediately by Porter. Hanus is straggling. Woodley and Porter both take the underside! Will…no, they have no trouble whatsoever getting up and yank the chain at virtually the same time. Being “baaaa-aaaaack” cuts both ways, doesn’t it, Hanus?
Resistance? That would’ve been a good idea. The clock well and truly ran out on Woodley as he was unable to get anything at all going, managing a grand total of one toss which clattered uselessly off the ramp, allowing Porter to chuck over all five drums with almost embarrassing speed. This couldn’t have been more one-sided if it was rigged. Teter was able to calmly lift one up and over early, and that’s all she needed as Kuret barely had the strength to crawl. On the plus side, the man in the East with the best chance of beating Will Sutton is about to face him in what should be a thrilling rematch, and Teter has had a most unlikely redemption run, to the point where there’s actually a puncher’s chance that she doesn’t get blasted completely off the mountain by Courtney Roselle. Fun stuff! Let’s go! 
Mount Olympus, women’s: Courtney Roselle vs. Hannah Teter
Roselle with a healthy lead after Iron Ascent. Struggles just a bit on Log Lift, but…Teter closes the gap! Roselle stays ahead, but not by much! Now cage Crawl, where agility is paramount. And…there will be no miracle as Roselle extends her lead. Teter does a helluva lot better on Ball & Chain than the last time she was here, but Roselle gets to the tomb first by a wide margin, and Teter is out of obstacles. A decisive win, but all the credit in the world to a house player who I thought was dead in the water giving a pretty good fight to the strongest competitor in the East.
Mount Olympus, men’s: Will Sutton vs. Josh Porter
Blazing pace; Porter is charging incredibly hard and can barely keep up. Sutton barely ahead after Sky Bridge. Sutton still barely ahead after Crank Down. On to the first big separator, Cage Crawl…
…and Porter is running out of gas. He simply can’t keep up. Sutton loses a step as well, but he’s so far ahead at this point that it makes no difference. Another regrettable instance of being second best; Sutton was literally the only other man in the East he wouldn’t have bested easily.
Sutton has run the table in impressive fashion and looks all but unstoppable. At this point, I think the only thing that can stop him is if he somehow gets intimidated by Noah Palicia, which I doubt he will. Roselle, however, is a question mark. She’s looked pretty good but has only been out there for a short time; there’s no way to tell how she measures up against the two opponents she’ll face in the grand finale. (Timers would help, but, y’know, reality TV.) This whole “defending champion” schtick was the one thing about this season I didn’t like from day one, and now it looks dumber than ever.
One episode to go! I don’t have the slightest idea how it’s going to play out, so don’t bother asking!
Season finale! I would’ve gotten on this sooner, but real life kind of threw me for a loop.
All right, seeing as I was going in blind, I considered giving it the timestamp treatment, but as it soon became obvious that it just wasn’t interesting enough to merit that, I’ll just describe the setup to you. The first contest as the same as regionals, Hammer Down, but this time there’s only one winner, who gets a fast track to the title match. The other two compete in one more contest, Herculean Pull, with the winner going to the title match.
Oh, and if you do decide to watch, prepare for sappy music. Lots of sappy music. Lots…and lots…and lots…and lots…and lots of sappy music.
Hammer Down, women’s: Dani Speegle vs. Margaux Alvarez vs. Courtney Roselle
I had concerns about Roselle going in, as she’s looked the least impressive of the regional champs, and…yeah, worst fears confirmed; too weak, too slow. Meanwhile Speegle gets two poles down with remarkable speed, while Alvarez is setting a good pace but struggling to keep up. Speegle claims gold with remarkable speed, but remember, to finish first you must first finish, and getting up the pole has always been the great equalizer here. Speegle takes the underside, which has the advantage about not having to worry about balance and the disadvantage of pretty much everything else. Halfway up! Alvarez takes the top. Speegle just a few feet away! Alvarez finds her rhythm and is making up a lot of ground! They both reach! And…the camera wonkery made it look like it was incredibly close, which, in the absence of split screen or any other type of comparative measuring, we have absolutely no way of knowing! Cue sappy leitmotif! (Uh, Speegle won. I think.)
Hammer Down, men’s: Matt Chan vs. Noah Palicia vs. Will Sutton
Wow, this one’s fast! All three men came here to play! Just imagine how exciting it would be if the camera didn’t focus on stinkin’ one of them at a time and jumped around like an overcaffienated grasshopper! Chan is about halfway up (I think) when Palicia gets on, and promptly slips off. He switches to the underside and climbs with remarkable speed, actually coming close to catching up (I think 
), but Chan’s lead is simply too great to overcome. Cue sappy leitmotif!
Herculean Pull, women’s: Margaux Alvarez vs. Courtney Roselle
Roselle has a little trouble with her second silver, and Alvarez has a huge headstart on the gold. She actually almost wins it uncontested, but Roselle gets on just in time! Just in time! Just in time! Just…delaying the inevitable. Roselle fails to make any real progress and meekly falls off after about a minute. Cue corny leitmotif! 
Roselle earned her spot here, make no mistake, but everything about her run said “paper tiger” to me, and unfortunately she did nothing to disprove that tonight. I honestly don’t even remember what her thing was. I know the ferocious second-place-is-the-best-loser mentality that’s plagued reality TV for years, but in this case I really think there should be something for Roselle, as I’ve rarely seen anyone better encapsulate the concept of third best.
Herculean Pull, men’s: Noah Palicia vs. Will Sutton
Before the match, Cari Champion asks DJ why he chose this contest. His response: “It’s the kind of challenge where you strip it all away, and ultimately, it comes down to sheer will.” For all of DJ’s braggadocio, he’s usually chosen his words carefully on this show and almost never had a declaration blow up in his face. I mention that, of course, because this one went up like an atomic bomb. Palicia somehow mishandled his second silver, getting it stuck for a crucial few seconds, and Sutton was halfway to victory by the time Palicia was ready to go for the gold. Which quickly became all the way after Palicia made a clumsy one-handed grab and slipped right off. Time of match: 19 seconds. Cue insipid leitmotif!
Palicia has to be feeling shellshocked right now. Of course every contest is different, but after beating all comers in the West and nearly pulling off a spectacular comeback in Hammer Down, I think everyone expected him to at least go down swinging. I wouldn’t mind seeing him again in some other competition; the expression “earned more than he got” definitely applies to him.
The final Olympus has been beefed up; now there are wooden barriers at the start and finish of Cage Crawl which the contestants must break through, and the ball and chain are in a cage which the contestants must open via a double crank. How they handle first barrier is going to be key, as this is the one obstacle that has a number of ways to tackle. The smart method, to me, would be to lie as flat as possible and slam the sole of your foot straight into the barrier. No risk of losing your balance and falling since you’re already on the floor, allowing you to really throw your weight into a clean, forceful strike directly at the target. The next best thing would be a soccer-style running kick, but this is slower and runs the risk of injuring your toes, which of course would kill your chances right there.
Women’s championship: Dani Speegle vs. Margaux Alvarez
Speegle is slightly quicker through the gates. Both manhandle the box with ease, and Speegle is still slightly ahead. Now the uphill two-fer, and it looks like Alvarez is flagging a bit. Ooh, bad stumble with the log!..but it gets hooked all the same, and she’s still alive. Speegle lowers the bridge just as Alvarez starts on the first chain…a troubling deficit, but not an insurmountable one. No hesitation whatsoever on the crank. Now the real contest begins; can Speegle, the very first person to the cage entry barrier, solve it? She tries a few standing kicks, to seemingly little effect. Alvarez charges in…
HOLY…she dives at it shoulder-first! This… Why do so many contestants think “headfirst” is EVER a good idea?? It’s a damn miracle this show hasn’t needed concussion protocol yet. Needless to say, this doesn’t even rattle it. Meanwhile, Speegle’s efforts have made a visible crack. She grabs the fence and goes at it “Kick Out” style, and on the third boot, she breaks through. Not the sharpest technique, but it worked. Alvarez continues to pound away. And away. And away. And…away…
It’s over. Alvarez, now almost completely drained, is unable to do any damage whatsoever, and Speegle’s run has been reduced to a walk-off home run trot. And of course, why not start the glurgeriffic leitmotif before the match has even ended. 
Speegle had the look of a champion from day one and left absolutely no doubt, winning every one of her contests. This was a level of domination you just don’t see in reality TV; the only other examples I can think of are Kristi Yamaguchi in Dancing With The Stars and Wisconsin in Team Ninja Warrior College Madness. My only tiny regret was that she couldn’t have been in the first prelim, so we could see her completely run the table on Olympus like Palicia and Sutton. She deserved that chance more than anybody.
Men’s championship: Matt Chan vs. Will Sutton
Sutton has quicker feet and a slight lead after one. Chan…miscue on the box! He fails to get it all the way over on the final flip and has to waste precious seconds on the second attempt. To his credit, he ferociously powers up Iron Ascent and keeps his foe in striking distance. Now the log…and the gap closes further! On to the bridges, where Sutton has a little trouble with his footwork…AND CHAN DROPS HIS FIRST! Incredible how quickly he made up a pretty big deficit! Chan gets his second bridge down first by a couple of seconds, and we’re on to the crusher of dreams, Cage Crawl Kai. Chan takes a couple of little kicks…decides the hell with it, and gets on the floor. And in a couple of seconds, he’s through. (Yeah, called it. ) Sutton does the same but loses a couple of seconds clearing the barrier. Chan smashes the second barrier with a single boot; Sutton needs two, and it looks like he’s simply going to run out of obstacles.
Which is exactly what happens. Chan is simply too powerful to beat, starting #8, #9, and #10 first, and he can take his good sweet time making the final turn. (Leitmotif, hate it yada yada you get the drill by now.)
In contrast to Speegle’s total domination, Chan epitomized the time-honored sports ideal “winning when it counts”. He lost a heartbreaker to Joe Thomas on the very first episode and finished second to Kaleb Redden in the first Hammer Down. A lesser athlete would have thrown in the towel at that point. Chan decided he had enough and was flawless the rest of the way. Simply beating Thomas, the most powerful house player by a huge margin, was enough of a breakthrough, and from that point you got the sense that he would not accept anything less than total victory.
Final verdict on this season…it never got terrible! Seriously, that’s the highest praise I can give it. It started tolerable and reasonably entertaining and it ended tolerable and reasonably entertaining. The problems that I hoped would get fixed (excessive blather, too-short contests) were fixed, and the new problems that cropped up (leitmotifs…blech) honestly weren’t too nerve-fraying. This is good. Not fantastic, but definitely good. I hope it has a future.
I understand the reason for adding an obstacle or two right at the end, but I think because that addition was literally the reason for the victories…I don’t like it. I would rather have had everyone compete on the same, even playing field that got them this far in the tournament.