# The top nine (adults only) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2000, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718 "2000-11-10T22:44:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/1 "2000-11-10T22:44:57Z")
I got these via email today, there was a note at the bottom that said you have to share it with five people or you will never get laid again. I am taking no chances, I figure that since I am sharing it with the Teeming Millions I should have all I want for several years. **TOP 9 SEX JOKES** #9 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman eside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as \>your breast, Iknow you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.” \> \> \>\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* \># 8 \>A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” he bartender inquires. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my \>first blowjob.” \>“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.” \> \> \>\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* \> \>#7 \>A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.” \> \> \>\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* \># 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently \>taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?” #5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What’s wrong, Bill?" she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I \>did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” Oh…she got fired too." \> #4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this \>visit he decides to \>rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.” \> \> \>\>\>\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* #3 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its the man removed his \>\>\>genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”. \> \> \> \> \> \>\>\>\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* #2 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. “What’s wrong?”. The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?” The big black dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.” The small white guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '” \> \> \>\>\>\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* #1 There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." “I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied,“My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. "One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!! ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/2 "2000-11-10T22:55:54Z")
Boo! Go back to Russia! ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/3 "2000-11-10T23:02:15Z")
[singing]Chestnuts roasing on an open flame war…[/singing} ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/4 "2000-11-10T23:09:00Z")
What did I do wrong ? I didn’t say you had to send it to anyone, I didn’t even say I actually thought that was true ( I know I am not the smartest doper on the board, but damn, even I am smarter than that) . I just liked the jokes and thought I’d share. ::crawling back into cave:: ---
**Author:** ![fnord1966](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/5 "2000-11-10T23:13:53Z")
Number 8 was particularly nasty, thank you. Just a slight hijack, but this post of Ayeshas is number 1614, The same number as the Circuit City I work in. ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/6 "2000-11-10T23:29:27Z")
Ayesha, I liked 'em! I think I’ll send this to Mom! ---
**Author:** ![Omniscient](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omniscient/32/3290_2.png) [@Omniscient](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omniscient)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/7 "2000-11-11T00:02:12Z")
I’m in full support of this thread! The only beef is that all the damn typos and \>\> marks weren’t edited. Keep 'em coming, one can never read too many jokes, even if you already know 'em all. ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/8 "2000-11-11T00:16:59Z")
**Ayesha** , it wasn’t actually _that_ bad. A few were funny, some really stunk (like #1.) I meant what I wrote above as a joke, sorry if it went over the wrong way. ;j ---
**Author:** ![divemaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/divemaster/32/78_2.png) [@divemaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/divemaster)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/9 "2000-11-11T00:24:13Z")
Hey, I laughed! 7 of them were new to me, so, thanks! ---
**Author:** ![meek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce73a5/32.png) [@meek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/meek)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/10 "2000-11-11T00:36:00Z")
_snicker_ Thanks Ayesha. A couple more “quickies”… Q. What’s the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. * * * Q. What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off? A. Spitting, swallowing & gargling. * * * Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A. No one to talk to during orgasm. * * * Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a “quickie,” only you do it yourself. * * * 😃 ---
**Author:** ![oldscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@oldscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oldscratch)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/11 "2000-11-11T00:40:51Z")
nice. Number 4’s my favorite. ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/12 "2000-11-11T03:04:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Padeye \* > \*\*[singing]Chestnuts roasing on an open flame war…[/singing} \*\* That reminds me of the parrot… Man walks into a pet store, wants an unusual pet. Storekeeper says, I have a great parrot. Hold a cigarette lighter under his left foot, he sings “Jingle Bells”. Under his right foot, he sings “Silent Night”. Try him, his name is Chet. ``` The man holds a light under his left foot, he sings "Jingle Bells" The man holds a light under his left foot, he sings "Silent Night". ``` He wonders if what happens if he hold the light under both feet, but he turns the flame a little high, and hears “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…” ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/13 "2000-11-11T04:28:29Z")
So there was this guy on the beach sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?” “A bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, “I don’t know. I was laying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I’m here.” Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her “What did you do to that naked fellow?” After a little pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke it’s neck, cracked it’s eggs, and set it’s nest on fire.” ---
**Author:** ![CanadianSue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@CanadianSue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanadianSue)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/14 "2000-11-11T04:51:39Z")
Well I’m shocked!! My dear, sweet Ayesha posting such things 😉 ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/15 "2000-11-11T05:07:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dire Wolf \* > \*\*So there was this guy on the beach sunbathing in the nude… > \*\* Whoa… flashback! I think I first heard that sometime around 4th grade, along with “Johnny Diggerdeeper” and all the jokes involving showering with one of your parents then seeing them in bed, and making various car analogies. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_Rhosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d9b06d/32.png) [@Sir\_Rhosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_Rhosis)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/16 "2000-11-11T07:06:56Z")
Ayesha, Good jokes. I’ve heard #7, but with another zinger. The statistician gives the first two examples, but also a third, that southern men are considered to have more staying power. The guy then says “Hi, I’m Tonto Kowalski, but my friends call me Bubba.” None of my friends call me… Sir ---
**Author:** ![yojimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yojimbo/32/232_2.png) [@yojimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yojimbo)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 8:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/17 "2000-11-11T08:43:50Z")
A backpacker is enjoying a nice walk through the Italian countryside and sees a frowning man sitting on a wall. Backpacker- Why so glum on such a beautiful day? Man- Do you see this wall I’m sitting on? I build this wall with my own two hands. Took me 3 weeks but DO THEY CALL ME LUIGI THE WALL BUILDER? **NO!!!** Backpacker- Emm. Man- Do you see that path? I build that path with my own two hands. Took me 4 months but DO THEY CALL ME LUIGI THE PATH BUILDER? **NO!!!** Backpacker-Emm. Man- That house at the top of the hill. I build it with my own two hands. Took me 2 years but DO THEY CALL ME LUIGI THE HOUSEBUILDER? **NO!!!** Backpacker-Emm. Man- I SHAG ONE SHEEP. ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/18 "2000-11-11T10:40:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CanadianSue \* > \*\*Well I’m shocked!! My dear, sweet Ayesha posting such things 😉 \*\* Yes dear Sue, I know \*\* you \*\* are ! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Carina42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Carina42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carina42)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/19 "2000-11-11T10:52:42Z")
I am deeply offended by this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718/20 "2000-11-11T17:18:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Carina42 \* > \*\*I am deeply offended by this thread. \*\* I did give a warning in the thread title that it contained adult material. But I apoligise if it offended you. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-top-nine-adults-only/40718.md?page=2)