# The Two-Fisted Heroes' Guide to Time Travel **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 26, 2013, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868 "2013-11-26T23:33:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/1 "2013-11-26T23:33:01Z")
Here’s the setup: you can jump to any time and place in history for exactly **five seconds**. Who should you [SOCK IN THE JAW?](http://blog.design-squared.eu/wp-content/uploads/punch-hitler-i19.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/2 "2013-11-26T23:46:53Z")
Can I bring a baseball bat? If I’m going to invent time travel for the express purpose of knocking some sense into someone, I’d like to make a more lasting impression. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/3 "2013-11-27T00:05:07Z")
If I get to deliver a few choice words, me. If I just get to show up and punch somebody for no apparent reason, Pope Gregory IX. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/4 "2013-11-27T00:37:20Z")
A lovely votive vessel with a yield of 27.5 kilotons for the start of the [First Council of Nicaea]([http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/First](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/First) Council of Nicaea) … would be my favorite idea, however if I can’t be that aggressive perhaps either Charles the First or Oliver Cromwell - not sure which one would benefit from it more. Charles had a good start with a decent peaceful reign but then he got a bit too autocratic - but I am not certain that Cromwell’s Parliamentarians were all that correct in causing so much death and damage either. Maybe whacking both of them would work. Does anybody think killing off Mohammad would have headed off any of the West vs Aurient for the past 1300 or so years? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/5 "2013-11-27T00:57:14Z")
[William Shakespeare.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE5jB2tl70M) ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/6 "2013-11-27T00:59:44Z")
I wish I could go back and un-punch someone…it that an option? ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/7 "2013-11-27T01:07:41Z")
You could go back and pre-emptively punch the puncher. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/8 "2013-11-27T01:13:02Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > . . . either Charles the First or Oliver Cromwell - not sure which one would benefit from it more. Charles had a good start with a decent peaceful reign but then he got a bit too autocratic - but I am not certain that Cromwell’s Parliamentarians were all that correct in causing so much death and damage either. Maybe whacking both of them would work. . . . What’s really depressing is that, at any given point, whichever side is winning the English Civil War is the side we, in hindsight, would call the bad guys! Early on, Charles was a stinker, and the Parliamentarians had the right of it. But later, as Cromwell got to riding roughshod, Charles wised up (a little) and offered some concessions, and the Parliamentarians refused to negotiate. No real good guys in this one. But, me, I’ve got a much shorter horizon of anger. I’d go back in time and give a really hearty sock to the jaw of the stinking puke who used to lay in wait for me in the high school parking lot. Lay him out his length in the gravel. Would do my soul a world of good. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/9 "2013-11-27T01:32:02Z")
:eek: Maybe this is what all those people playing the Knockout game are doing! Somebody’s invented time travel, or will! ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/10 "2013-11-27T01:35:03Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > :eek: > > Maybe this is what all those people playing the Knockout game are doing! Somebody’s invented time travel, or will! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/11 "2013-11-27T03:00:44Z")
Hmmm, Abraham Lincoln, just as he’s about to enter the theater… ---
**Author:** ![Kenm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bc79bd/32.png) [@Kenm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kenm)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/12 "2013-11-27T03:38:14Z")
Hitler. _ **FIRST!** _ ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/13 "2013-11-27T03:49:32Z")
> [@Kenm](#): > > Hitler. > > _ **FIRST!** _ psst… see post #1. ---
**Author:** ![Kenm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bc79bd/32.png) [@Kenm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kenm)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/14 "2013-11-27T03:56:45Z")
second ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/15 "2013-11-27T05:17:25Z")
Can I do something other than punch? I’d like to go back in time and give Teddy Roosevelt a wet willie. Or go back in time and feel up Marylin Monroe. ---
**Author:** ![Werekoala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/7993a0/32.png) [@Werekoala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Werekoala)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/16 "2013-11-27T05:25:05Z")
Marcus Junius Brutus ---
**Author:** ![Not\_Carlson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bc79bd/32.png) [@Not\_Carlson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_Carlson)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/17 "2013-11-27T05:57:45Z")
I’d like to go back and punch Kim Jong-il, preferably during one of those grand public ceremonies, but I think I’d need to be wearing a mask and full body armour. Some brass knuckles would be nice, too. Come to think of it, you could make this whole exercise significantly safer and infinitely more awesome if you did it in Batman gear. > [@Zebra](#): > > I’d like to go back in time and give Teddy Roosevelt a wet willie. > Or go back in time and feel up Marylin Monroe. So you’d want to be the punchee? ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/18 "2013-11-27T06:21:31Z")
[Herbert W. Armstrong](http://hwarmstrong.com/) followed by my parents moments before they heard of that evil fraud!!! ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/19 "2013-11-27T06:52:45Z")
[Comstock.](https://www.google.com/search?q=anthony+comstock+blow+to+the+head) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MegaBee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f0a364/32.png) [@MegaBee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MegaBee)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868/20 "2013-11-27T13:47:20Z")
Saul of Tarsus [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-two-fisted-heroes-guide-to-time-travel/674868.md?page=2)