# The Ultimate MST3K Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 2, 2005, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555 "2005-06-02T15:40:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 31
**Author:** ![cbawlmer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cbawlmer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cbawlmer)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/601 "2006-03-13T16:29:23Z")
Thanks for that link. I wish I had a print of “Crow and Mitchell” to hang in my cubicle. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2006, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/602 "2006-03-14T20:56:14Z")
Have I told you I’m Immense and immortal? ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/603 "2006-03-22T14:33:59Z")
**MST3K 5.03 - [Swamp Diamonds](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048682/)** Shown with short,**[What to Do on a Date](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0258312/)**. Well, the short’s a hoot, as are most of those 50’s edu-macational films. The feature - as Dr. Forrester puts it, it’s a Roger Corman experiment in padding. Let me sum up - a policewoman, looking for some stolen diamonds, goes undercover and helps the all-girl gang who hid the diamonds to escape from prison. In the swamp, they cross paths with an oil-man and his current arm-candy. Arm-candy dies, one of the three gal gangsters betrays everyone, and is killed. Policewoman and oilman fall in love. The end. It might make a 22 minute TV episode, with the padding removed - endless parade shots and swamp shots - the crew amusingly chastising Corman at one point for “getting footage for his next movie” when the camera wanders lazily off the stars. The oilman gets a good percentage of the riffs, though - because he’s Mike Connors, of Mannix fame. The crew already loved to make Mannix riffs, and here they can just go wild. Also, at the time, he was calling himself “Touch” Connors, and the crew muses on other possible choices he considered for an alias besides “Touch.” Opening : Bots are obsessing on Star Trek; when we come back from the commercial, we get to hear Joel’s Shatner - not bad. Internal Host Segments : Chronicle Tom’s attempt to date Gypsy, and the aftermath forms the Final segment. Signature Riffs: (the gal-gang move cardboard boxes around in the prison) \ : “They’re all doin’ a nickel at UPS!” (regarding the endless swamp shots) \ : “Do not bring your padding here.” Next Up : Secret Agent Super Dragon ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2006, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/604 "2006-03-24T15:00:39Z")
We missed you, Gamera. You are really neat! I’ve never seen _Swamp Diamonds_. I thought Mannix was played by \*Chuck \* Conners? ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2006, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/605 "2006-03-24T17:19:52Z")
> [@Hypno-Toad](#): > > We missed you, Gamera. You are really neat! > > I’ve never seen _Swamp Diamonds_. I thought Mannix was played by \*Chuck \* Conners? No, suh. Chuck Connors was the _Rifleman_. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2006, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/606 "2006-03-24T18:40:14Z")
Great. Now I’m going to have to look both of them up as I’ve never seen either Mannix or The Rifleman and thought it was the same actore in both. Oh well. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/607 "2006-03-27T02:04:03Z")
\*\*MST3K 5.04 - [Secret Agent Super Dragon](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060956/) \*\* A highly Italicized Spy movie, borrowing shamelessly from its betters. A nefarious evil organization plans to sew chaos with a secret chemical formula that they test in chewing gum in a small college town. Our hero is pulled out of retirement after one of his spy friends is killed. His investigative technique seems to consist mainly of breaking into people’s apartments. He also can do the metabolism-slowing trick, we learn early on, and it will be important later. It’s fairly paint-by-numbers, except the “white-trash Q” who looks like Andy Devine. Host segments include the Bots inventing their own Bot, who drives Joel crazy; Inventions Micro Golf and the Virtual Comedy Machine; Secret Agent Jazz Combo; Crow’s “The Spy Who Hugged Me” script; Spy school and post-kill puns; Dr. F gives a Supervillain seminar. Signature Riffs: (during a POV shot that adjusts) \ “Hey, his eyes have a zoom feature!” (after SASD hands a business card to a woman) \ “Hey, Secret Agent’s crossed out and Lawyer’s written in.” (post-action sequence) \ “Amster\dam\, I’m good.” Secret Agent Super Bonus : \*\*MST3K 5.05 - [Magic Voyage of Sinbad](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0046264/) \*\* An oddly Russian Sinbad the sailor returns home to find the country poor and unhappy, except the fat greedy merchants. Thanks to the assistance of Neptune’s daughter and a magical harp, he’s able to assemble a fleet to go quest for the ‘bird of Happiness’ - ultimately finding that happiness was at home, all along. Awww. The psychadelic undersea party in Neptune’s kingdom is not to be missed. Host segments include the SOLtie awards, where Crow gets one that was a lock for Tom; Inventions include the Rat Pack Chess Set and Chinderwear (amusingly, the talking Frank Sinatra King delays movie sign, on his say-so.); The SOL crew tries Jestering, but can’t meet regularly; Joel and the Bots take on the roles of the merchant naysayers who mocked Sinbad; Crow is missing - has launched himself outside to quest like Sinbad; Joel mystifies the Bots with a fish puppet. Signature Riffs: (during Sinbad’s harp solo) \ “Take it to the bridge, Sinbad… (bitterly) drop it in the water.” Next Up : Eegah! ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/608 "2006-04-05T16:07:22Z")
\*\*MST3K 5.06 - [Eegah!](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055946/) \*\* Richard Kiel plays the last of a race of “giants” in this stinker, and the audience is left wondering if insipid songster Arch Hall, Jr. should have died in the end instead. Particularly memorable for the weird shaving scene in which the love-interest gal, trapped in Eegah’s cave with her dad, gives him a messy shave, then follows suit for Eegah. This one just drips the sleaze, folks. Plus, Arch Hall Jr’s musical stylings and hideous visage. (As Joel says for him : “Sorry about my face!”; Tom later describes him as a “Cabbage Patch Elvis”.) Also memorable for the dubbed-in “Watch out for snakes!” line that comes from nowhere and signifies nothing. Intro has Tom freezing Crow to absolute zero; this misfires and Crow is shattered. Inventions are the Porcorina and a human-blood-replacement therapy (which uses radiator fluid); Joel admires gas stations and talks about subtle signs of Hell on Earth; Crow and Tom try to make Joel look like Arch Hall; Joel and the Bots discuss single parents in the 50’s and 60’s media; finally, the Bots shower off the grime from the movie. Signature Riff: (after a lackluster phrase of music that sounds familiar) \ : “Tequila.” Next : I Accuse My Parents ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/609 "2006-04-05T16:16:30Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > \*\*MST3K 5.06 - [Eegah!](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055946/) \*\* > > Next : I Accuse My Parents Woo Hoo! A personal favorite. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![cbawlmer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cbawlmer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cbawlmer)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/610 "2006-04-05T16:21:19Z")
_Eegah_ is so awful! When we watched it on DVD, we tried to activate a scene-extension feature and it turned off the commentary permanently and started playing the full version of the movie. We went back to the MST version after a few minutes but merciful Zeus! That movie’s god-awfulness in its MST cut is nothing compared to the horror of the movie’s full running time, minus commentary. If you went to see it in the drive-in and wound up making out throughout the film, you missed nothing and had plenty of time. _I Accuse My Parents_ is the first MST3K I ever saw. Sentimental value! “Cafe – I’ve heard of this place!” ---
**Author:** ![Nonsuch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonsuch/32/2922_2.png) [@Nonsuch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nonsuch)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/611 "2006-04-05T17:35:36Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > \*\*Particularly memorable for the weird shaving scene in which the love-interest gal, trapped in Eegah’s cave with her dad, gives him a messy shave, then follows suit for Eegah. Crow (as Eegah): “First blade lift, second blade cut clean!” A truly funny episode, but a godawful movie. _“Wheeee!!”_ ---
**Author:** ![cbawlmer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cbawlmer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cbawlmer)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/612 "2006-04-05T17:52:08Z")
Heh. That episode was obviously recorded in ancient times, when razors had only two blades. Foolish primitives! ---
**Author:** ![MentalGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/439d5e/32.png) [@MentalGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MentalGuy)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/613 "2006-04-05T18:16:43Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > \*\*MST3K 5.06 - [Eegah!](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055946/) \*\* Or as it was described in the _The Amazing Colossal Episode Guide_ : "_Manos" The Musical_ ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/614 "2006-04-05T18:38:41Z")
Hey everybody! Let’s go party at Jack Taylors place! ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/615 "2006-04-10T16:19:51Z")
\*\*MST3K 5.07 - [I Accuse My Parents](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0037798/) \*\* Available on DVD. Shown with short, [The Truck Farmer](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0292292/). Young Jimmy Wilson has a problem - his parents are drunks, partying all the time, and generally neglect him. So he weaves a web of lies that spiral out of control - taking him from his job as a shoe salesman and turning him into a gangster’s errand-boy, all fo the love of a nightclub singer. The crew riffs on his ever-more-intricate deceits fairly well. Intro : Tom’s been painted pink and thinks he’s a real boy; Inventions : Junk Drawer organizer, Cake’n’Shake (with Exotic Dancer included); Host segments : Bots draw pictures of their ideal families; Re-enacting the nightclub song number; analyzing the roots of Jimmy’s problems. Finale : Crow and Tom stick Joel up for hamburgers and french fried potatoes. Signature Riff: “He’s taken to selling his essays on the street!” \*\*MST3K 5.08 - [Operation Double 007](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062078/) \*\* Jeebus God. This is the ultimate exercise in skirting copyright laws. Neil Connery (Sean’s Brother) plays “Dr. Neil Connery” - hypnotist, martial artist, linguist, lip reader… the man makes Derek Flint look like a piker. He gets caught up in international espionage intrigue engineered by THANATOS - and recruited by Bernard Lee and Lois Maxwell to act as an agent, since he’s the kid brother of their top man. Yes, it’s that blatant. Yes, they have M and Moneypenny. Adolfo Celi plays the villain here, you may remember him from Thunderball. Or Danger : Diabolik. However, the lame half-assed Bond ripoff gives us one of the funniest MST3K episodes I’ve ever seen. I was exposed to it early, and it has been a longtime favorite. The crew just gets started early making fun of the themesong that endlessly praises the hero, and it gets better from there. Intro : Tom enjoys Joel’s home movies; Inventions : Leiderhosenhosen, Bobbin’ Buzzard. (Caw! Caw! Caw!); Host Segments : Joel plays Adolfo’s villain, the Bots as his all-girl crew - hilariously enacted; Graph of Sean’s life vs. Neil’s; Frank’s about to Perform, but just then, Torgo arrives with the Mads’ sodas from the pizza delivery in Manos : The Hands of Fate. Finale : For laughs, Dr. F magnetizes the SOL. Signature Riffs: (as a Japanese woman’s face is unbandaged) \ " Now Michael Jackson’s journey is complete." (the good guys approach the villain compound in overalls) \ " Operation Double Double-O Heehaw." (inspired by a music riff during a fight) \ “Police Squad, in Color!” (more music fun) \ " So, howcome everybody’s got Count Basie following them?" (Neil vs. Adolfo, showdown) \ “Prepare to meet Kali’s brother, NEAR hell.” Next : Girl in Lover’s Lane ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/616 "2006-04-12T19:13:20Z")
I just wanted to thank you ( and an unnamed very special doper who shall remain nameless for bringing me a world of MST3K sunshine into my life) for bringing me back to the fold that is the SOL. On long wintery days that stretch without end, while the kids are at school, I pop in a DVD and just enjoy. Not all are great, but they are entertaining. ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/617 "2006-04-12T19:17:29Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > \*\*MST3K 5.07 - [I Accuse My Parents](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0037798/) \*\* > Re-enacting the nightclub song number; Gypsy’s finest hour. Also: “Look, can I just have my hamburger.” ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/618 "2006-04-12T19:17:42Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > I just wanted to thank you ( and an unnamed very special doper who shall remain nameless for bringing me a world of MST3K sunshine into my life) for bringing me back to the fold that is the SOL. > > On long wintery days that stretch without end, while the kids are at school, I pop in a DVD and just enjoy. Not all are great, but they are entertaining. Well, you’re welcome.I’ve enjoyed this project so far, and hope it inspires other people to seek out the program… ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/619 "2006-04-17T14:29:45Z")
**MST3K 5.09 - [Girl in Lovers Lane](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052849/)** It starts out slow, but this turned out to be a good episode in the end. The movie’s a stinker - rich brat Danny decides to hit the road, and hooks up with a drifter named Bix Dugan (“Big Stupid?”) - they end up in a tiny town where Bix finds romance, but his girl’s got a lazy eyed stalker already. (Who the crew describes as ‘Torgoesque’) The stalker gets jealous and accidentally kills the girl, and her dad thinks Bix did it. There’s a lynch mob, and some violence. All the while, Danny learns valuable life lessons. The print is horrible with lots of little random skips and jumps that the crew mocks. Intro : Crow and Tom retrofit each other with belly buttons; Inventions : Evil Baseball Promotions, Doc Martens for Don Martins; Host Segments : Musical musings about trains; Plot to Mug Joel after he plays pinball; Crow impersonates Jack Elam (stalker-boy). Finale : Tom and Crow consider an alternate ending. Signature Riffs: (after Danny finishes a chat with a prostitute) \ : “Why’d she keep calling me ‘John’”? (with regard to the town set) \ : “The dark side of Mayberry…” (in the jungle-like forest near town) \ : “They’re in the Land of the Lost!” \ : “Watch out for Sleestaks.” (in the manner of Eegah’s Watch out for Snakes) (Bix and gal lay on the ground, looking up at the stars) \ : (points up) “See that?” \ : “Boom mike. Records everything we say.” Next : The Painted Hills ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555/620 "2006-04-17T14:51:46Z")
I thought I’d not seen this one, but the plot you describe is familiar. Was this the one where the kid stupidly pulls out a $100 bill in front of all the hoods in the bad side of town? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555.md?page=30) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-mst3k-thread/306555.md?page=32)