# The Ultimate Pick-Me-Up Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 21, 2001, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880 "2001-03-21T16:27:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![TruePisces](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/truepisces/32/13628_2.png) [@TruePisces](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruePisces)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2001, 10:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/81 "2001-04-02T10:00:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lurkernomore \* > \*\* Falcon, it may look bad now, but Spiffled is coming up. Look to that. And I promise I’ll make True Pisces go down there to visit if she moves to NY. \*\* **IF???** It’s happening, if I have to live out of my truck to do it!!! And you won’t have to make me come down to see **Falcon** , 'cause I was planning on it anyway. And I’ve told her that. So there! Pbbbbbbbbbbbbb!!! 😛 {{{{{Falcon}}}}}} Honey, you’ve got my e-mail and I’ll put ICQ on when I get home from work tonight if you want to talk, ok??? ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2001, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/82 "2001-04-02T13:42:04Z")
Had a great time with my family and want to share the happiness with the world. {{{{{world}}}}} And now, humor! I WANT TO HURT MY COMPUTER I want to hurt my computer. I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently. When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard. I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an “illegal function” and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me. I don’t understand why new, “upgraded” software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can’t 6.0 recognise a 7.0 file? It’s all just words, isn’t it? There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don’t understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them. How come when my computer catches a virus, I’m the one who misses work? I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation. I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 “matches” to my keyword. That’s like saying, “Good news, we’ve located the product you’re looking for. It’s on Earth.” I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every “upgrade,” it seems to grow 75 percent. That’s as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds. Now I’ve found out that my PC no longer “recognises” my floppy drive. How could they not recognise each other? They live together! Please understand: I don’t hate my computer. I just want to hurt it every once in a while. ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2001, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/83 "2001-04-02T21:37:06Z")
A _bump_ and a bit of humor. Can’t have people needing a pick me up to look all the way down here after all. 🙂 In the department where I did my Ph.D., graduate students often give presentations on their work for the benefit of other graduate students. This week’s talk: \> Better Living Through Group Theory \> \> by Peter Turner \> \> \> An extremely poorly prepared talk on the role of group theory in \> physics. It will begin with some mathematical jargon in order to \> discourage anyone from asking questions, and conclude with hastily \> prepared examples from a vast number of physical disciplines–that number \> being approximately equal to three. All are welcome to offer examples \> from their own research in order to increase both that number as well as \> the amount of time I am drinking and not talking. ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/84 "2001-04-04T01:09:32Z")
Bring me your poor, your wretched, your huddled masses yearning… Come to think of it, yearning huddled masses are better left to other threads. Seriously though, bring your problems, however large or small, and receive understanding and sympathy and big ol’ hugs. And if not, just lay back and enjoy the humor. As a younger man, I was in great shape. As an airline pilot , I was required to have a Flight physical every six months. The nurse took the basic data, weight, height, and blood pressure. My pressure was good, but the heart rate was below 40 beats per minute. “I cannot put that number down. You’ll be denied a physical.”,she said. “What can I do?”, I replied. She held my hand and winked,saying, “Just think about that for a minute!” Retaking my blood pressure and heart rate,she stated, “53 will be OK, but you really know how to hurt a girl!” Floyd Coons, (retired) Northwest Airlines ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/85 "2001-04-04T13:01:07Z")
More humor! TOP TEN: WORST FIRST LINE OF A NOVEL These are the 10 winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel. (Victorian author Edward George Bulwer-Lytton is famous–or is it infamous–for writing the novel that began “It was a dark and stormy night.”) 1. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it. 2. Just beyond the Narrows the river widens. 3. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description. 4. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: Andre creep… Andre creep… Andre creep. 5. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved. 6. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store. 7. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do. 8. Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor. 9. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death – in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies. AND THE WINNER IS… 1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly,You lied! ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2001, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/86 "2001-04-04T23:18:06Z")
And here we have a fine way to mess with telelmarketers. Enjoy! And remember when your day needs lifting check here, and if there jokes aren’t doing the trick, feel free to tell me what would! Ring Ring Me: Hello, John speaking Salesperson: Hello Mr. Hawklyn I represent … We’ve selected you as a likely prospect (I mentally translate to: likely sucker) for investment/charitable donation/lottery winner/… Me: Not interested. SAY!? are you a telemarketer? I happen to represent a firm which manufactures and sells earpads for all types of telephones and head sets. We’ve found in our industry research that many telemarketers are languishing with unergometric headsets. Our earpads are certifiably ergometric thorougly tested, and inexpensive, and 100% natural. Salesperson: Excuse me. I was trying to say… Me: Would you be interested in trying out one of our earpads? Salesperson: No, thank you, we already have earpads. Now about our package… ## Me: {sickenly sincere} If you’re not interested, perhaps you could connect me with your supervisor? They may be interested in hearing about our earpads. I’ve never yet spoken to a supervisor, but I find that this technique is humorous, and yet clearly points out to them how offensive these calls can be. ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/87 "2001-04-05T13:11:55Z")
“When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it is time for you to leave.” Week after week, I tried. That master of mine never let me get even close. Then, one week, it occured to me that work is for suckers, and discipline is for people who don’t eat pork rinds and watch a lot of TV. So when the master said to me: “When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it is time for you to leave.” …I kicked him in the groin, pried the pebble from his trembling fingers, and split. Forget what they tell you at the monestary. There are three tricks to becoming a super powerful ninja. You will find them at the following link. How to Fake Your Way to Martial Arts Mastery [http://www.themestream.com/gspd\_browse/browse/view\_article.gsp?c\_id=90072](http://www.themestream.com/gspd_browse/browse/view_article.gsp?c_id=90072) Remember – the sound of one hand clapping is most often heard in darkened pornographic movie theatres. ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2001, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/88 "2001-04-12T00:43:45Z")
More humor and well wishes for all of SDMB. 19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by DAVE BARRY 1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 2. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 3. There is a very fine line between a hobby and mental illness. 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. Never lick a steak knife. 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 12. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. 16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.” 17. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 19. Your friends love you, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![TruePisces](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/truepisces/32/13628_2.png) [@TruePisces](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruePisces)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2001, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/89 "2001-04-12T12:04:39Z")
I need one. Now. Please. I don’t want to go in to details, it’s too many things to go into. But I need hugs, flirts… anything to get me back **UP** right now. ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2001, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/90 "2001-04-12T12:15:04Z")
_BIG HUGS_ TP, you know my email. Let me know if there’s ANYTHING I can do, even if it’s just listening. _hugs again_ ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2001, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/91 "2001-04-12T13:02:03Z")
My shoulder is here for crying, my arms for holding, my lips for soothing words and soft kisses, and I have several other body parts you might be interested in. 🙂 So have a drink on me and smash your glass in the fireplace. I’d ask what was wrong but Fast Eddie is still a mean shot with that blackjack. Storyteller’s Creed I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death. – Robert Fulghum And in honor of line 5, humor! \> THINGS YOU’D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK… BUT CAN’T! \> \> I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. \> \> I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. \> \> I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter. \> \> It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying. \> \> I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it. \> \> I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. \> \> You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. \> \> I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. \> \> Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. \> \> What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? \> \> And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…? \> \> Do I look like a people person? \> \> Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. \> \> If I throw a stick, will you leave? \> \> I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. \> \> Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1? \> \> How do I set a laser printer to stun? \> \> I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck. We’re here for you **Pisces** This too shall pass. ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2001, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/92 "2001-04-13T02:51:21Z")
Thanks for the pick me up Verrain :)…we’ll talk later,ok? ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2001, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/93 "2001-04-13T12:48:16Z")
Of course, **hardygrrl** my email is always open and that goes for the rest of ya! Humor! I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password… now you have to understand he’s got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect… so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in “penis”… I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied: \*\*\*\* PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT \*\*\*\*\* ---
**Author:** ![TruePisces](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/truepisces/32/13628_2.png) [@TruePisces](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruePisces)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2001, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/94 "2001-04-13T12:55:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Verrain \* > \*\*\*\*\*\* PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT \*\*\*\*\* \*\* Oh, I _like_ that one! I really **like** that one! Thanks again, m’dear, for the shoulder, the arms, the lips and the other body parts! 😉 The glass has been smashed, and the story given privately. Fast Eddie won’t be after you with the blackjack this time. Anyone else care to step up to the line with a toast? I **do** have one right now. _downs her drink quickly_ To All We Leave Behind ::crash:: ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/95 "2001-04-16T14:28:48Z")
I hate to keep doing this, but… Hugs, please? Today is rapidly going downhill FAST. My grandfather is back in the hospital with congestive heart failure. And there’s a lot of crap here on the boards that I can’t share, and right now really can’t deal with. And I can’t cry, and I need to. Can’t cry at work, and I can’t cry in front of my mom at home. ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/96 "2001-04-16T14:35:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Falcon \* > \*\*I hate to keep doing this, but… > > Hugs, please? Today is rapidly going downhill FAST. My grandfather is back in the hospital with congestive heart failure. And there’s a lot of crap here on the boards that I can’t share, and right now really can’t deal with. > > And I can’t cry, and I need to. Can’t cry at work, and I can’t cry in front of my mom at home. \*\* {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{FaaaaaaaaaLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} _smooch_ ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/97 "2001-04-16T14:56:46Z")
{{{{{{{{{{FALCON}}}}}}}}} We are here for you Falcon, and when you have time to cry our shoulders are here. ---
**Author:** ![TruePisces](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/truepisces/32/13628_2.png) [@TruePisces](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruePisces)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/98 "2001-04-16T15:28:35Z")
{{{Falcon}}} Honey, cry if you need to. The hell with what your co-workers and your mom think. It’s a good reason to cry, and if they don’t like it, tell them they can go take a flying leap. If I were close enough, I’d take you out somewhere where you can cry to your hearts content!!! As far as everything else… you’ve got my work addy, hon. Use it. I’ll be here until 5, home sometime later (since I have something I have to do after work) You’ve also got my phone number and my home addy. They are **ALL** available for you to use. ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/99 "2001-04-16T15:36:09Z")
Lost the email with your work addy, hon. Not at home, so I can’t find it, either…I’m at work now, which I think you have the email for…(the [arbitron.com](http://arbitron.com) one), so email me. And I can’t cry at home. This isn’t a good reason according to my mom. Hell, _I_ don’t think it’s a good reason most of the time. ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880/100 "2001-04-16T15:44:27Z")
Falcon, crying and laughter are two sides of the same coin. No one has the same triggers for it and when it is triggered the need is real and involuntary. Don’t worry if anyone understands it. Find yourself a quiet place and cry if that’s what you need. {{Falcon}} When work is less hectic I’ll try to post some humor. Until then know you are in my thoughts and prayers. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-pick-me-up-thread/58880.md?page=6)