# The Ultimate Scary-Movie Proof House **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 6, 2005, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375 "2005-01-06T13:07:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![sleeepy2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@sleeepy2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sleeepy2)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/41 "2005-01-18T03:47:22Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > Cujo Well, obviously Cujo wouldn’t get past the rabies detector installed at every door, which I had assumed was implied. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/42 "2005-01-18T03:56:45Z")
> [@sleeepy2](#): > > Well, obviously Cujo wouldn’t get past the rabies detector installed at every door, which I had assumed was implied. :dubious: Hm, :dubious: If cujo is your pet, and snoozing happily by the bed, how will the door rabies detectors discover him hovering near your throat with frothing fangs first thing in the morning when rabies hits in the middle of the night? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/43 "2005-01-18T04:31:32Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > 1. Thorough background checks on your neighbors. If any of them are from Elm Street, Crystal Lake, if any of them have friends or ancestors that died under mysterious circumstances, if any of them are members of some weird Zuni or witchlike or cultish religion- don’t build there. Also check to make sure your neighbors’ names don’t spell something suspiciously different when spelled backwards, or anagramed, etc. (e.g. “Dr. Acula,” “Mr. Alucard,” “Dr. Stuaf,” etc.) Have plenty of silver around the house. (If not in your cutlery…you’ll probably want to just use plastic sporks.) Including doorknobs, wall railings, decorative bowls of 9mm and .45" marbles, etc. Hard to say wether or not you should have object d’art that can be used as weapons, or not. _You_ can use them to defend yourself, but so can the killer. Whatever, just don’t have anything around you can accidentally be impaled on. Might you consider putting your house in the middle of Vegas? Some monster survivor did that in the beggining of some horror movie that was on the other day. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/44 "2005-01-18T04:51:50Z")
If you simply must have pets, NO pet doors! Aliens always come in through the pet doors. Or down the chimbley…no chimbleys either! ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/45 "2005-01-18T05:01:54Z")
I’d go for a nice square shaped house with a high pitched roof. If you accidentally build your house in the shape of pentagram or other mystic symbol, all kinds of mayhem might ensue. The steep roof would be good for keeping evil axe muderers surpising you from above when leaving the house. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/46 "2005-01-18T08:29:39Z")
Seems like those evil spirits/ghosties/zombies/undead/serial killers have shown up anywhere one would live. One isn’t safe in _any_ house, regardless of where it’s built. Additionally any other dwelling (or anything that can be used as a dwelling) is likewise unsafe. One is wise never to live in a barn, tent, cabin, lean-to, cave, tunnel, abandoned mine, shack, trailer, under a bridge, boarding house, motel, hotel, inn, bed-and-breakfast, houseboat, outhouse, doghouse, brothel, school, government building, spare-room, garage, shed, homeless shelter or national park. However, I do have a solution! [A YURT!](http://www.yurts.com/) I’ve NEVER seen any sort of nasty show up in a Yurt! ---
**Author:** ![sleeepy2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@sleeepy2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sleeepy2)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/47 "2005-01-18T12:11:34Z")
BTY- If a guy stands at your door and says, “I’m not coming in unless you invite me in”, shut the door. ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/48 "2005-01-18T12:18:08Z")
I figured out a solution for the washing-up conundrum. A sauna! I have _never_ seen a movie where bad things happen in a sauna. All I need is a wood-heated sauna with a big barrel of water and a few wash basins and I’ll be fine. It’ll be just like at a summer cottage. How nice. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/49 "2005-01-18T18:03:41Z")
By all means avoid all small villages in New England. I know you’ve already stipulated big city, but you might want to cross Boston off of your list, just in case. And I’m not sure about tools… Screwdrivers and scissors have a long history as weapons of opportunity for homocidal maniacs, so you should probably avoid those, but most chainsaw-toting madmen seem to bring their own, so it might be a good idea to keep one around for self-defense. Make sure to get a model which can be easily grafted onto a stump, in case your hand should become possessed and needs to be chopped off. Also, you’ll want at least one item each of silver and of cold wrought iron which can be improvised as weapons. I’d recommend a silver crucifix-shaped dagger and an iron bishop’s staff. There is the risk of them being used against you, but as above, killers can bring their own weapons, and it’d suck to be in a situation where you need one of the above and don’t have it. You might want to keep these under your pillow. I’m not sure exactly what it is about natural daylight that’s effective, but it couldn’t hurt to make sure that all of your lighting in your house mimics the spectrum of natural sunlight as nearly as possible. None of this energy-saving fluorescent nonsense. Alternately, you could maintain two dwellings, one north of the Arctic Circle for March through September, and one in Antarctica for September through March. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/50 "2005-01-18T18:28:41Z")
Other than the dedicated phone line straight to the police department, you only get one phone line. If you have two, you risk the situation where **THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.** ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/51 "2005-01-18T18:38:30Z")
OMG, have you thought about out-buildings? **NO BARNS**! Barns have a nasty habit of breeding giant spiders and other critters in the lofts. Tool sheds are right out as well, for obvious reasons. I would also suggest a carport, rather than a garage. The mayhem that happens in garages is well-documented, not to mention those pesky automatic doors that decapitate people. ---
**Author:** ![E-Sabbath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e19adc/32.png) [@E-Sabbath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-Sabbath)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/52 "2005-01-18T18:40:54Z")
I’d disregard all of this. You’re going too defensive. Keep a large selection of sharp things around, and a large selection of things that can be used as improvised shields, like pans and chairs. Make sure you have clear and direct pathways from room to room in your house, and make sure that you can go out through every window. Iron bars that swing outwards and are locked at the bottom would be ideal, for the outside. Attics are fine, as long as you have a clear view of the stairs, and are not forced to pass them to go anywhere else. Basements aren’t so good, unless they have at least two exits. Make sure you can jump out of any window of the house and escape. Roll down the roof, jump to a tree, whatever. Have a portable GPS so you know where to go when you’re running the heck away. Buy a portable 1,000,000 candlepower flashlight. Trust me. It works. Also have a selection of the LED flashlights you shake to charge and light. They never run out of power, and are quite hefty for clobbering with. Dogs are good. I reccomend the standard poodle, as if it becomes evil, you will know, as it will no longer be lying around doing nothing. Plus, you can probably beat it up. Small ones are already evil, and way too fast to dodge. Border Collies are also good. Either way, excellent alarm systems. Get some fire extinguishers. Foaming ones. They clobber _and_ blind. If you must have a weapons collection around, make sure there is something big and thick to hide behind in the same room, in case of sudden animation. Make all doors and walls too thick for a zombified human to tear through, but the latches easy to kick through. You can barricade them later. Basically, if you are in a scary movie, you _will_ be attacked by surprise. Try to make it so that you will get a glimpse of the attacker in time that you can grab something fast enough to fend off the hatchet or piano wire, stab him enough to break loose of a grip, and easy enough to get out of the house if needed. Floorboards should be too solid for zombies to rise from. The grounds should be fairly clean, so you can see nice open spaces wherever you run, but a decent amount of climbable trees you can hide behind are also useful. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/53 "2005-01-18T18:50:33Z")
Make sure you’re pretty and white and have a virtous relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Then rent out rooms to at least some of the following: 1.) A minority.Preferably one who acts in the most stereotypical manner possible. (Note:this doesn’t work as well as it did ten years ago.) 2.) Comic relief. 3.) A pompous ass and/or a coward. (Note: often will redeem himself–must be male–at the moment of death. 4.) A slutty girl and 5.) The slutty girl’s jackass boyfriend. While they’re being slaughtered you’ll have plenty of time to make your escape. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/54 "2005-01-18T19:11:22Z")
So number three can be a woman as long as she switches gender just before death? I would get a moat. Not that I think it would help you and it would probably make having a basement hell but I just think it would be cool. Also have some secret passageways and stuff for escapes. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/55 "2005-01-18T19:54:12Z")
Your bolt-hole, escape route, etc. should include some signalling device like a mirror or banner – something that says to any rescuers, “I’m Human! Don’t kill me!” ---
**Author:** ![paperbackwriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@paperbackwriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paperbackwriter)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/56 "2005-01-18T23:45:47Z")
> [@GrizzRich](#): > > However, I do have a solution! > > [A YURT!](http://www.yurts.com/) > > I’ve NEVER seen any sort of nasty show up in a Yurt! You fool! You’re completely forgetting yetis! ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2005, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/57 "2005-01-19T00:04:26Z")
> [@GrizzRich](#): > > However, I do have a solution! > > A YURT! > > I’ve NEVER seen any sort of nasty show up in a Yurt! Building a new yurt might be not too bad an idea, but shy away from used ones. You never know who the [previous owner](http://cranemoon.tripod.com/goddesses.htm) might have been > [@](#): > > BABA YAGA - (Siberia, Russia, Mongolia) A witch Goddess, devouring obnoxious children and other oppressors. She travels about in a yurt equipped with chicken feet (large ones) so it walks or moves about and can suddenly, magically displace into a new position many miles away… When invoked she can give diseases to livestock; cause gossip about your enemies; make rumors fly; sour milk, make kumis and yogurt rot and bread to fall; brings worms and rats to storerooms; gives piles and skin eruptions and break-bone fever. Never argue with a goddess whose house comes equipped with giant chicken legs. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2005, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/58 "2005-01-19T01:03:03Z")
> [@Tapioca Dextrin](#): > > Building a new yurt might be not too bad an idea, but shy away from used ones. You never know who the [previous owner](http://cranemoon.tripod.com/goddesses.htm) might have been > Never argue with a goddess whose house comes equipped with giant chicken legs. Baba Yaga is no goddess and that page seems to be full of New Age crap not found in, and sometimes directly conflicting orignal sources. Every other mention I’ve ever read has Baba Yaga living in a log cabin or hut. In Monday Begins On Saturday, Strugatski calls it “The izba on hen’s legs”. Baba Yaga did NOT appear as an ordinary woman. Most stories feature clawed fingers, unaturally long legs, and teeth of stone or iron. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2005, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/59 "2005-01-19T02:45:09Z")
> [@E-Sabbath](#): > > Floorboards should be too solid for zombies to rise from. Also Grabboids, Hellworms, Demons, and Lavamen. ---
**Author:** ![sleeepy2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@sleeepy2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sleeepy2)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2005, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375/60 "2005-01-19T05:23:51Z")
> [@auRa](#): > > I figured out a solution for the washing-up conundrum. A sauna! I have _never_ seen a movie where bad things happen in a sauna. All I need is a wood-heated sauna with a big barrel of water and a few wash basins and I’ll be fine. It’ll be just like at a summer cottage. How nice. I thnk it was Halloween 2 where the sauna was turned up to, like, 800 degrees (hey, I just report what I saw) and the poor teens were steamed like lobsters. :dubious: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ultimate-scary-movie-proof-house/283375.md?page=4)