# The very, very bad, obscure and trade-specific joke thread. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 11, 2004, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290 "2004-08-11T00:58:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/1 "2004-08-11T00:58:34Z")
Post the jokes you know that only someone in a specific field, or with very technical knowledge would get. Don’t forget to post an explanation. So a _Clostridium botulinum_ (Botulism) walks into a bar. Another _C. botulinum_ says “Hey man! Nice suit!” The first bacterium says “Yeah, it’s Gucci.” A _Bacillus cereus_ (Common bacteria) sitting nearby says to the bartender “Man, I hate that guy. He’s a profligate anaerobe.” Badum-tish. Wonk, wonk, wonk. (_C. botulinum_ is an obligate anaerobe, meaning it has to live in an environment without oxygen, otherwise it will die. That is why it grows in places like tin cans of food.) Two neutrinos walk into a bar. One says “I’ll have an apple martini.” The other neutrino says “Dammit, I wanted an apple martini!” (Quantum physics says that two subatomic particles cannot have the same state. Except in the case of quantum entanglement, IIRC. IANAQuantum Physicist.) ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/2 "2004-08-11T01:12:13Z")
“The problem with your PC is at Layer 8. We’ll have to take it to the shop for a week or two. Why don’t you sign up for one of our user classes while you’re waiting to get it back?” (There are seven layers in network architecture. Layer 8 would be the user.) ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/3 "2004-08-11T01:18:26Z")
Two atoms are walking down the street. One trips and goes flying to the ground. As he stands up to dust himself off, he checks his pockets. “Oh no!” “What’s wrong?” asks his friend. “I’ve lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “I’m positive!!” ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/4 "2004-08-11T01:25:21Z")
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware issue. (programmers are notorious for only concerning themselves with software) There are only 10 kinds of people in the world; those who understand binary, and those who don’t. (2 in binary in 10) A byte went to the memory doctor. “I’m not feeling well, doc. I think I’ve got a parity error.” The doctor looked him over. “Well, you do look a bit off!” (A byte’s parity is the number of on bits it has on…or should have on) ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/5 "2004-08-11T01:42:23Z")
Q: Name the four waterfowl of the thorax. A: The esophagoose, the azygoose, the hemiazygoose, and the thoracic duck! ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/6 "2004-08-11T01:46:23Z")
Q: What’s the difference between Impressionism and Realism? A: Bigger pixels. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/7 "2004-08-11T01:54:54Z")
Q: What tool is used to measure a hole in the head? A: A [Phineas Gage](http://www.deakin.edu.au/hbs/GAGEPAGE/Pgstory.htm)! ---
**Author:** ![Kilvert\_s\_Pagan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c37758/32.png) [@Kilvert\_s\_Pagan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilvert_s_Pagan)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/8 "2004-08-11T02:05:11Z")
Q: Why do (old) programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas? A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC ================= Rene Descartes was sitting in a French cafe, having an espresso and a croissant. The waitress stopped by and asked him if he would like another espresso. “I think not”, he replied, and _poof_ he disappeared. ---
**Author:** ![emekthian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecae2f/32.png) [@emekthian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emekthian)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/9 "2004-08-11T04:20:56Z")
(This is my absolute favorite Futurama joke ever.) Speaker: “And the winner is … Number 3, in a quantum finish.” Farnsworth: “No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!” (The Heisenburg Uncertanty principal states that the more certian you are of a particle’s posistion, the less certian you are of it’s momentum, and vice versa.) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5ac83/32.png) [@The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mad_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/10 "2004-08-11T04:59:26Z")
> [@](#): > > Rene Descartes was sitting in a French cafe, having an espresso and a croissant. The waitress stopped by and asked him if he would like another espresso… I was going to use a bad equestrian pun, but as you all know, you shouldn’t put Descartes before a horse. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/11 "2004-08-11T05:31:54Z")
Q: What kind of modem does Jimi Hendrix use? A: A purple Hayes Q: Why do true Marxists only use teabags? A: Because proper tea is theft. ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/12 "2004-08-11T05:56:42Z")
## Did you hear the SLAC (Stanford Linear Accelerator) was damaged by an earthquake? It’s now called the SPLAC: Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator. An airliner is approaching Warsaw when it hits heavy turbulence and threatens to crash. An engineer shouts, “everyone with a Polish passport, get to the left side of the aisle!” The plane suddenly stops shaking and lands safely. How did he do it? He achieved stability by moving all poles to the left half-plane. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/13 "2004-08-11T06:01:29Z")
Q: What’s a polar bear? A: A rectangular bear with its coordinates transformed ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/14 "2004-08-11T06:10:01Z")
oops, forgot the explanations. For the first joke, “Piecewise linear” is a mathematical term describing a certain type of function (straight line segments joined with sharp corners). The second joke is about describing the behavior of a system with a transfer function. If the function has poles (singularities) in the right half-plane (right half of the graph, i.e. T\>0), the system is unstable. If you modify the system so that all the poles are at T\<0 (left half-plane), it becomes stable. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/15 "2004-08-11T14:09:18Z")
How many lighting technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? “It’s called a lamp.” ---
**Author:** ![Angua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8baadc/32.png) [@Angua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angua)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/16 "2004-08-11T14:15:36Z")
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they’re not interested in that shortwave stuff. I’ll go hide in the corner now. ---
**Author:** ![kellner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c2a13f/32.png) [@kellner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kellner)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/17 "2004-08-11T14:30:14Z")
The famous - but somewhat hard to explain - shortest mathematics joke: Let epsilon be less than 0. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/18 "2004-08-11T14:31:01Z")
So Heisenberg is pulled over on the freeway. The state trooper approaches the car and says, “Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “No, but I know where I am.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/19 "2004-08-11T14:30:38Z")
Chemist humor: Remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2004, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290/20 "2004-08-11T14:35:33Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > So Heisenberg is pulled over on the freeway. > > The state trooper approaches the car and says, “Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?” > > Heisenberg says, “No, but I know where I am.” > > 😃 That’s **hysterical**! 😃😃 **kellner** : I don’t get it… (although i guess that’s the point) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-very-very-bad-obscure-and-trade-specific-joke-thread/259290.md?page=2)