# The wit and wisdom of Grampa Simpson **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 28, 2002, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178 "2002-05-28T13:43:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/1 "2002-05-28T13:43:16Z")
Since we had the Kang and Kodos thread, I figured a good follow-up would be the gems found in that kettle of Alzheimer’s stew known as Grampa Simpson. Upon being asked why he thought he was recieving money for nothing, Grampa Simpson replies, “I just figured the democrats were back in office.” Grampa writes an angry letter: _Dear Mr. President. There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot!_ And the classic Grampa rant, the time he got hired by Mr. Burns to be a jackboot, and Burns asked him how he was going to control the crowd of protesters: “We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don’t go anywhere. Like that time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville; I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickle, and in those days, nickles had pictures of bumblebees on them. “Give me five bees for a quarter,” you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was that had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have any white onions, because of the war; the only thing you can get was those big yellow ones.” ---
**Author:** ![tetsusaru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f14d63/32.png) [@tetsusaru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tetsusaru)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/2 "2002-05-28T13:48:48Z")
“My son is not a traitor. He may be a liar, and a thief, and a traitor, but he`s not a porn star.” ---
**Author:** ![Gundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Gundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gundy)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/3 "2002-05-28T14:05:47Z")
“You can’t get a good sarsaparilla like this back in Springfield—angries up the blood.” “You like it eh?” “Up yours!” ---
**Author:** ![ElwoodCuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/edb3f5/32.png) [@ElwoodCuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElwoodCuse)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/4 "2002-05-28T14:16:40Z")
“Now back in 19 dickety two–we had to say ‘dickety’ because the Kaiser had stolen our word ‘twenty’…” ---
**Author:** ![puddleglum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puddleglum/32/137_2.png) [@puddleglum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puddleglum)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/5 "2002-05-28T14:18:25Z")
From the Vegas wives episode “You wouldn’t take I can’t for an answer” ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/6 "2002-05-28T15:11:39Z")
Oh, I remember this story! The year is nineteen-aught-six, the president is the divine Miss Sandra Bernhart, and all over the country, people are doing a dance called the Funky Grampa! “Oh, I’m the…” zzzzzzz… ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/7 "2002-05-28T15:14:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ElwoodCuse \* > \*\*“Now back in 19 dickety two–we had to say ‘dickety’ because the Kaiser had stolen our word ‘twenty’…” \*\* I chased him to get it back, but I gave up after dickety-six miles. ---
**Author:** ![S.Mussberger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@S.Mussberger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/S.Mussberger)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/8 "2002-05-28T15:48:34Z")
“Well, whenever I’m confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all important questions.” ---
**Author:** ![ResIpsaLoquitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@ResIpsaLoquitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ResIpsaLoquitor)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/9 "2002-05-28T17:26:44Z")
“Let’s see…I’m an Elk, a Mason, a Communist…for some reason I’m the head of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance…” ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/10 "2002-05-28T19:51:27Z")
Back then nickleshad pictures of bumble bees on them, Give me five bees for a quarter we used to say… ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/11 "2002-05-28T20:01:02Z")
I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. ---
**Author:** ![andrew\_dupont](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea666f/32.png) [@andrew\_dupont](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andrew_dupont)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/12 "2002-05-28T20:15:12Z")
**MARGE:** Grandpa, this flag only has 49 stars on it! **ABE:** I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I acknowledge Missouri! ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/13 "2002-05-28T20:22:08Z")
On one of my frequent trips to the floor… ---
**Author:** ![Kamandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5daacb/32.png) [@Kamandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamandi)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/14 "2002-05-28T21:46:13Z")
I’m full of piss and vinegar! I used to be just full of vinegar. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Teerious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Miss\_Teerious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Teerious)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/15 "2002-05-28T21:52:31Z")
“I was the King of griftin’. They called me Grifty McGrift.” ---
**Author:** ![Big\_Kahuna\_Burger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Big\_Kahuna\_Burger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Kahuna_Burger)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/16 "2002-05-28T22:03:45Z")
Lisa: Didn’t you wonder why you were getting checks for doing nothing? Grampa: I figured because the Democrats were in power again. Drifter: Got any spare change man? Grampa: Yes! And you ain’t gettin’ it. Everybody wants something for nothing. [wants into Social Security Building] I’m old, gimme gimme gimme! ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/17 "2002-05-28T22:29:01Z")
Grandpa: AHHHHHHH! DEATH! Lisa: That’s just Maggie, Grandpa ---
**Author:** ![Great\_Dave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/46a35a/32.png) [@Great\_Dave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Great_Dave)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2002, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/18 "2002-05-28T22:58:49Z")
Lisa: If we fall asleep, we could die! Grampa: Welcome to my world. zzzz. ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/19 "2002-05-29T00:09:06Z")
Grampa: That doll is evil! Eeeeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiiil! Lisa (I think?): You said that about all the presents. Grampa: I just want attention. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/20 "2002-05-29T00:22:41Z")
When Homer went back in time, what exactly did he remember his father telling him on his wedding day? It’s about him not touching anything if he ever finds his way in the past because it would altar the future, but what where his exact words? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178.md?page=2)