# The wit and wisdom of Grampa Simpson **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 28, 2002, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178 "2002-05-28T13:43:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/21 "2002-05-29T00:30:39Z")
My favourite quote is the one about how he hates the metric system. I can’t remember it exactly so I won’t butcher it, hopefully someone else will be along to post it in it’s entirety. ---
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/22 "2002-05-29T00:55:40Z")
While fleeing a suspected FBI agent: “Call me mint jelly, 'cause I’m on the lam!” ---
**Author:** ![Manduck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manduck/32/256_2.png) [@Manduck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manduck)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/23 "2002-05-29T01:12:44Z")
“… and then there’s the time I invented the terlet.” “‘Terlet’?? HAH!” “Stop your snickerin’! I spent three years on that terlet!!” ---
**Author:** ![Big\_Kahuna\_Burger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Big\_Kahuna\_Burger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Kahuna_Burger)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/24 "2002-05-29T01:25:50Z")
> [@](#): > > My favourite quote is the one about how he hates the metric system. I can’t remember it exactly so I won’t butcher it, hopefully someone else will be along to post it in it’s entirety. The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that’s the way I likes it. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/25 "2002-05-29T02:09:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Max Carnage \* > \*\*I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. \*\* And it’ll happen to you! Wisdom indeed. ---
**Author:** ![pldennison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc29f/32.png) [@pldennison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pldennison)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/26 "2002-05-29T02:20:24Z")
This elevator only goes to the basement . . . and someone made an awful mess down there. ---
**Author:** ![Mojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Mojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mojo)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/27 "2002-05-29T02:21:09Z")
“This elevator only goes to the basement, and someone made an awful mess down there…” ---
**Author:** ![pldennison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc29f/32.png) [@pldennison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pldennison)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/28 "2002-05-29T02:27:26Z")
This elevator only goes to the basement . . . and someone made an awful mess down there. ---
**Author:** ![Ripple](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b2d939/32.png) [@Ripple](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ripple)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/29 "2002-05-29T02:43:54Z")
Bart: Hey, Grampa, we need to know your first name. Grampa: You’re making my tombstone !?! ---
**Author:** ![Ripple](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b2d939/32.png) [@Ripple](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ripple)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/30 "2002-05-29T03:16:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MyFootsZZZ \* > \*\*When Homer went back in time, what exactly did he remember his father telling him on his wedding day? > > It’s about him not touching anything if he ever finds his way in the past because it would altar the future, but what where his exact words? \*\* [http://www.snpp.com/episodes/2F03.html](http://www.snpp.com/episodes/2F03.html) Abe: If you ever travel back in time, don’t step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can’t imagine. ---
**Author:** ![av8rmike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/edb3f5/32.png) [@av8rmike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/av8rmike)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/31 "2002-05-29T03:24:34Z")
(Homer has changed his name to Max Power) \*\*Abe:\*\*The family name is my legacy to you. I got it from my father, and he got it from his father, and he traded a mule for it! And that mule went on to save Spring Break! ---
**Author:** ![Gr8Kat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gr8kat/32/18668_2.png) [@Gr8Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gr8Kat)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/32 "2002-05-29T03:26:30Z")
Dogs wag their tails for hours after they die. ---
**Author:** ![Gr8Kat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gr8kat/32/18668_2.png) [@Gr8Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gr8Kat)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/33 "2002-05-29T03:33:32Z")
Dogs wag their tails for hours after they die. ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/34 "2002-05-29T03:34:13Z")
Abe: Quick! We have to kill the boy! Marge: How do you know he’s a vampire? Abe: He’s a vampire? Aah! ---
**Author:** ![Ripple](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b2d939/32.png) [@Ripple](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ripple)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/35 "2002-05-29T03:35:17Z")
Bart: Look at that hunk of junk. Grampa: Oh, jeeh – you’re ignorant! That’s the Wright Brothers’ plane. At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Singlehandedly won us the Civil War, it did. Bart: So how do you know so much about American history? Grampa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/36 "2002-05-29T03:46:02Z")
“Coma!? Pfffft. Why, I go in and out of comas all the…zzzzzzzzzzz…French toast, please.” ---
**Author:** ![Gr8Kat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gr8kat/32/18668_2.png) [@Gr8Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gr8Kat)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/37 "2002-05-29T03:58:13Z")
“If grandpa says the dog is dead, it _must_ be alive.” ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/38 "2002-05-29T11:08:27Z")
“I’ll be all right as long as I can remember my Army training!” :::day fades to night::: “Dang!” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/39 "2002-05-29T11:21:40Z")
Abe’s Father: [holding up an America pamphlet] See that, son? That’s where we’re going to live. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day. Abe: Later that day, we set sail for America. ---
**Author:** ![Aguecheek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@Aguecheek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aguecheek)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178/40 "2002-05-29T12:47:26Z")
(Standing in front of the Springfield Retirement Castle after making a bid for freedom): …I’m cold and there are wolves after me…! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grampa-simpson/111178.md?page=3)