# The Wit and Wisdom of Grandpa Simpson **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 5, 2003, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200 "2003-08-05T20:32:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![elf6c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c57346/32.png) [@elf6c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elf6c)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/1 "2003-08-05T20:32:44Z")
The smartest line in the Simpsons thread somehow got me thinking of the less then smart advice and lines of our favorite Nursing Home resident-- Grandpa Simpson. I will start it off with my favorite- please fell free to add yours: Grampa Simpson: We can’t bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m’shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebeeson 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you’d say. Now where was I… oh yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn’t get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones… And a bonus piece of wisdom: [Homer is undergoing major surgery. Grampa visits him in hospital.] Grampa Simpson: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I’ve never understood why that is; frankly, I can see an upside to it! Ha ha! ---
**Author:** ![Wumpus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8c91f0/32.png) [@Wumpus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wumpus)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/2 "2003-08-05T20:36:40Z")
Teenage Homer: You wouldn’t understand, Dad, you’re not with it! Grandpa: I used to be with IT but then they changed what IT was. Now what I’m with isn’t IT, and what’s IT seems scary and weird. It’ll happen to YOU! ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/3 "2003-08-05T20:40:43Z")
I owned the first radio in Springfield. Of course, all that was on in those days was Edison reciting the alphabet. “A,” he’d say. Then “B.” “C” would usually follow… ---
**Author:** ![Homer\_J](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c37758/32.png) [@Homer\_J](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homer_J)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/4 "2003-08-05T20:44:52Z")
the year was nineteen dicity-six, we had to say dicity because the kaiser had stolen our word for zero(Am i right about that?), i chased him all the way back to Berlin. I fell 8000 feet to my death. Of course folks were tougher in them days, i was jitterbugging that very night! ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/5 "2003-08-05T20:49:48Z")
The year was nineteen dikity-six. We had to say dikity back then because the Kaiser stole our word for twenty. I chased him for dikety-two miles. ---
**Author:** ![MovieMogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f08c70/32.png) [@MovieMogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MovieMogul)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/6 "2003-08-05T20:58:52Z")
## “I got a funny story about that. Well it’s not so much funny as it is long.” “My son is not a communist…he may be stupid and he may be a communist but he is NOT a pornstar!” Homer, finding out he has a brother: “This makes me special, Dad. Since I’m the one you kept, that must mean you really loved me.” ## Grandpa: “Mmm. Interesting theory.” Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving, sex-maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and innofensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again: 1. Bra; 2. Horny; 3. Family Jewels ---
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/7 "2003-08-05T21:23:37Z")
Dear Mister President: There are too many states in the union nowadays. Please eliminate two. I am not a crackpot. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/8 "2003-08-05T21:59:46Z")
I’m cold…and frightened… ---
**Author:** ![Spudo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@Spudo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spudo)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/9 "2003-08-05T22:09:19Z")
I’ll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missouri! ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/10 "2003-08-05T22:12:33Z")
The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead, and that’s the way I likes it! – It’ll be a cold day in hell before I recognize Missouri! – On his war days - Back then, I was known as Sgt. Simpson, and I commanded the Flying Hellfish, the fightin’est squad in the fightin’est company in the third-fightin’est battalion in the army. – Also on his war days - Well, I did wear a dress for a period in the forties. Oh, they had designers then… ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/11 "2003-08-05T22:41:47Z")
(Runs into room with a stake and hammer) “We have to kill the boy!” “How did you know Bart was a vampire?” “He’s a vampire? Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhgggggggg” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/12 "2003-08-05T23:10:52Z")
“You’re gonna blow it!” - to Homer at a high school gym meet, during Homer’s floor routine. Homer promptly blows it. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/13 "2003-08-05T23:12:54Z")
Marge: “Grandpa, you’ve lived an interesting life…” Grandpa Simpson: “THAT’S A LIE AND YOU KNOW IT! But I have watched a lot of movies…” ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2003, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/14 "2003-08-05T23:48:35Z")
Grandpa Simpson: You know, you remind me of a poem I can’t remember, in a song that may never have existed, in a place I’m not sure I’ve ever been to. His Girlfriend: You’re so sweet. Grandpa Simpson: Ooh, I feel all funny - Ahh I’m in love! No, wait, it’s a stroke. To Bart as Bart is helping him unpack: “Boy, if you wanna play with that .38 snubnose be careful. It’s loaded.” To juvenile Homer: “Son, I’m not going to lie to you. You’re dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride I say take it.” ---
**Author:** ![Skwerl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Skwerl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skwerl)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/15 "2003-08-06T01:12:54Z")
Moe: Aw, the guy’s hepped up on Goofballs. Abe: Let’s sacrifice him to our god! _[everyone is silent]_ Come on, we did it all the time in the thirties. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/16 "2003-08-06T01:19:38Z")
Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions. ---
**Author:** ![Chicago\_Faucet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chicago_faucet/32/13910_2.png) [@Chicago\_Faucet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicago_Faucet)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/17 "2003-08-06T01:32:35Z")
I AM THE LINDBERG BABY! ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/18 "2003-08-06T01:59:06Z")
I can’t believe my favorite Grampa quote hasn’t been mentioned yet. Defending Homer against charges of being a Communist: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist-- but he’s not a porn star! ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/19 "2003-08-06T02:10:15Z")
I’m full of piss and vinegar! At first I was just full of vinegar. ---
**Author:** ![Orual](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/779978/32.png) [@Orual](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orual)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/20 "2003-08-06T03:40:39Z")
At the Springfield Airshow, Educating Bart and Lisa on the History of Aviation: “That’s the Wright Brothers’ plane. At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Singlehandedly won us the Civil War, it did.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200.md?page=2)