# The Wit and Wisdom of Grandpa Simpson **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 5, 2003, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200 "2003-08-05T20:32:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/21 "2003-08-06T03:48:02Z")
“SEEEX!! I had SEEEX!!!” “And by the way, I never once washed my hands! That’s your policy, not mine!” “Ehehehe…we are so old.” ---
**Author:** ![DaPearl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5e925/32.png) [@DaPearl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaPearl)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/22 "2003-08-06T04:55:23Z")
Abe after sex with Vegas cocktail waitress: Waitress: Oh no! We didn’t… Abe: We almost didn’t but you wouldn’t take ‘I can’t’ for an answer. ---
**Author:** ![jojothecannibal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/48db29/32.png) [@jojothecannibal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jojothecannibal)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/23 "2003-08-06T05:10:38Z")
On losing his Vegas wife: “It hurts now, but the senility will take care of that. There it goes…” or something like that. ---
**Author:** ![jojothecannibal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/48db29/32.png) [@jojothecannibal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jojothecannibal)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/24 "2003-08-06T05:16:31Z")
On losing his Vegas wife: “It hurts now, but the senility will take care of that. There it goes…” or something like that. ---
**Author:** ![jojothecannibal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/48db29/32.png) [@jojothecannibal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jojothecannibal)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/25 "2003-08-06T05:21:40Z")
(sorry for the double-post. computer problems) ---
**Author:** ![Blalron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@Blalron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blalron)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/26 "2003-08-06T07:06:24Z")
[picks up condom wrapper on ground] “Con-Dome”… “I’d love to live in one of those!” ---
**Author:** ![ryoushi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@ryoushi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ryoushi)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/27 "2003-08-06T07:34:20Z")
“They may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart…” ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/28 "2003-08-06T07:39:08Z")
Ahem. It’s, “Lay… tex… con… do… Boy, I’d love to live in one of those!” “I go into comas all the… zzzzz… French toast, please.” ---
**Author:** ![dead0man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/edb3f5/32.png) [@dead0man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dead0man)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/29 "2003-08-06T11:07:00Z")
Upon being asked why he thought he was recieving money for nothing, Grampa Simpson replies, “I just figured the democrats were back in office.” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/30 "2003-08-06T11:25:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jojothecannibal \* > \*\*(sorry for the double-post. computer problems) \*\* For a sec, there, I thought your senility had kicked in. Abe: I don’t know! (after being asked to explain how he could remove his underwear without taking off his pants) ---
**Author:** ![Psycho\_Pirate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Psycho\_Pirate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Psycho_Pirate)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/31 "2003-08-06T12:46:53Z")
I leave [as inheritance] these: a box of mint-condition 1918 liberty-head silver dollars. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and… hey! Where are you going? … Anyway, about my washtub. I’d just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as… a walking bird. We’d always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we’d all watch football, which in those days was called “baseball”… [More Grandpa goodness](http://www.doheth.co.uk/lists/abe.shtml) ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/32 "2003-08-06T12:51:20Z")
(As the crippled dog, with a vet’s collar around its neck, wheels itself around): “The lamp’s escaping!” ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/33 "2003-08-06T13:11:28Z")
During the “Nightmare on Elm Street” Treehouse of Terror episode: Lisa: “It’s horrible! When we go to sleep, we never know if we’re going to wake up again!” Abe: “Welcome to MY world! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…” ---
**Author:** ![evilhomer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/43a26b/32.png) [@evilhomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evilhomer)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/34 "2003-08-06T13:21:53Z")
In the Nightmare on Elm Street parody: Bart (or Lisa): If we go to sleep, we might never wake up! Grandpa: Welcome to my world! “It’s cold out, and there are wolves after me!” And to expand on **Chicago Faucet** , my favorite line in that scene: Joe Friday Wanna-be: Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile. Grandpa: A little from column A, a little from column B. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/35 "2003-08-06T13:52:37Z")
“Helllllloooooo! You have my pills.” ---
**Author:** ![elf6c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c57346/32.png) [@elf6c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elf6c)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/36 "2003-08-06T13:58:20Z")
The full joke for Guin: Grampa Simpson: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What’s wrong with your wife? Homer: Never mind, you wouldn’t understand. Grampa Simpson: Flu? Homer: No. Grampa Simpson: Protein deficiency? Homer: No. Grampa Simpson: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? Homer: No. Grampa Simpson: Unsatisfying sex life? Homer: N – yes. But please, don’t you say that word! Grampa Simpson: What, seeex? What’s so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex. another favorite: Marge: Careful of that apple pie on the back seat… Grampa Simpson: Uh-oh! Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? Grampa Simpson: I sure hope so! ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/37 "2003-08-06T14:05:50Z")
I can’t quote it exactly, but when Homer’s mother shows up again after however many years, Abe chews her out at great length for leaving him, abandoning their young son, etc., etc. Immediately followed by: “Can we have sex?” ---
**Author:** ![Fish42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4da419/32.png) [@Fish42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish42)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/38 "2003-08-06T14:12:22Z")
Homer: We leave you in charge of the kids for two hours, and the state takes them away?! Grandpa: Bitch, bitch, bitch. ---
**Author:** ![tarragon918](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d26b3c/32.png) [@tarragon918](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tarragon918)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/39 "2003-08-06T14:45:54Z")
My all-time favorite Simpson quote is a Grandpa Simpson one: “Call me mint jelly 'cause I’m on the lam!” I have, unfortunately, forgotten the exact context, but Grandpa had done something wrong and was getting ready to hightail it out of town. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/40 "2003-08-06T14:52:57Z")
Grandpa (shouting): That toy is evil! EEEEEVIL! Marge: Grandpa, you’ve said that about all the gifts. Grandpa (meekly): I just want attention. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200.md?page=3)