# The Wit and Wisdom of Grandpa Simpson **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 5, 2003, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200 "2003-08-05T20:32:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Mehitabel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@Mehitabel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mehitabel)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/41 "2003-08-06T15:06:40Z")
About the mother of Homer’s half-brother, the carny/hooker: “She was a beautiful girl and she would do something for me that your mother would never do: have sex for money!” \ ---
**Author:** ![Lenny\_Carl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9dc877/32.png) [@Lenny\_Carl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lenny_Carl)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/42 "2003-08-06T18:25:53Z")
“The pictures… they’re… coming… alive!!!” same scene, just a little later… “Finsher her! Finisher her!!” ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/43 "2003-08-06T21:36:54Z")
Naked and on medication with bedpan on head: “Look at me! I’m Speedy Alka Seltzer!” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/44 "2003-08-06T21:46:35Z")
“You know, your mom was a demon in the sack!” “Bring on Sha-Na-Na!” ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/45 "2003-08-06T23:01:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pravnik \* > \*\*Naked and on medication with bedpan on head: > > “Look at me! I’m Speedy Alka Seltzer!” \*\* And earlier, using the bedpan as a drum: “The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!” ---
**Author:** ![Blackeyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f6c823/32.png) [@Blackeyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackeyes)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/46 "2003-08-07T01:13:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by arisu \* > \*\*At the Springfield Airshow, Educating Bart and Lisa on the History of Aviation: > > “That’s the Wright Brothers’ plane. At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Singlehandedly won us the Civil War, it did.” \*\* Wow Grandpa. How come you know so much about American History? “I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.” ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/47 "2003-08-07T05:37:56Z")
and to reprise the OP, what I thought when I first saw the title… anyway, I was wearing an onion on my belt, which was the style in those days… ---
**Author:** ![Petrichor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e19adc/32.png) [@Petrichor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Petrichor)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/48 "2003-08-07T06:55:58Z")
Abe’s advise to a young Homer "Son, you’re as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a ride, I’d say take it! " and “Eh…you never know what you’re capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong” ---
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/49 "2003-08-07T07:18:46Z")
Homer: You’re cute as a bug’s ear. Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff! Homer: [sees Grampa walk pass] Dad, am I cute as a bug’s ear? Grampa: [poking head in] No, you’re homely as a mule’s butt! Homer: [to Lisa] There, see? ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/50 "2003-08-07T15:04:56Z")
“You’re nothing but a hoochie! Hoochie, hoochie, hoochie!” ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/51 "2003-08-07T15:20:47Z")
“I am the Lindbergh baby! Me want my fly-fly daddy!” ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/52 "2003-08-07T15:20:57Z")
“I am the Lindbergh baby! Me want my fly-fly dada!” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/53 "2003-08-07T16:14:22Z")
Not to throw a wet blanket on this, but never forget that Abe declared: “I was the one who canceled _Star Trek_!” ---
**Author:** ![Moeman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@Moeman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moeman)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2003, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/54 "2003-08-08T14:40:47Z")
Grandpa talking about WWII. “and that is how I recieved the Iron Cross” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2003, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/55 "2003-08-08T15:16:52Z")
Also WWII: “He’s a Nazi! Get him!” - encouraging his buddies on PT-109 to attack Lt. John Kennedy, after hearing him rehearse his “Ich bin ein Berliner” speech. ---
**Author:** ![milquetoast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/258eb7/32.png) [@milquetoast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/milquetoast)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2003, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/56 "2003-08-08T19:18:02Z")
“…to make a long story short… is a phrase whose origins are long and rambling.” ---
**Author:** ![petelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/71c47a/32.png) [@petelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/petelin)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2003, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200/57 "2003-08-08T21:49:01Z")
I don’t think this one’s been posted, but this and the apple pie quotes are probably my favorites: (may not be exact wording here) Grampa comes out of an outhouse and says “This elevator only goes to the basement, and someone made a real mess down there.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-grandpa-simpson/193200.md?page=2)