# The word "fuck" is not against the rulrs **URL:** \ **Category:** About This Message Board\ **Created:** [May 17, 2010, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707 "2010-05-17T01:51:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/81 "2010-05-18T13:04:48Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I’ve spent my entire posting career defending you guys from capricious warnings. I finally get one, and I can’t count on (hardly) any of you. Then you should take that as a sign that you’re wrong on this one. > [@](#): > > You guys don’t seem to get that I’m now more mad at him refusing to respond than getting the warning. I don’t think the warning was justified, but surely he could have explained why it was. What are we supposed to do with that information? Hundreds of people are supposed to change their behavior because you can’t control your emotions? Stop being so damn selfish. > [@](#): > > Here’s my idea of the post without the inflammatory language. Let’s see if it meets the (arbitrary) sensibilities: > > Pay attention. She likes the friend, and the friend’s kid. She normally avoids the husband. But, about once a year or so, the guy is still around. She’s following your advice, and I think it comes off as if you are attacking her for it. > > I can’t believe you actually agreed with the comment that she is “asking for it.” Why would blaming the victim be acceptable behavior? > > There’s absolutely no way you completely avoid all the jerkish people in your life. None. > > I really don’t see a difference in the message other than the fact that I no longer convey how angry I am. The tone of this post compared to the tone of the original post is completely different. You may not see it, but I (and apparently several others in this thread) certainly do. If you cannot recognize inflammatory language on your part, then you should at least try to recognize your state of mind (“anger” as you say), and stop posting when you’re in that state of mind, period. It’s just going to get you in more trouble, since you’re apparently unable to properly filter your language down to a non-jerkish level. ---
**Author:** ![lekatt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lekatt/32/7269_2.png) [@lekatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lekatt)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/82 "2010-05-18T13:38:52Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I know. That’s why I did it. I’d rather be scared for a legitimate reason. > > And it probably won’t be permanent. And if it is, I’ll change my email and turn off PM reminders going there, and will use that instead of PMs. > > But, right now, I’m not too thrilled with my fellow Dopers either. I feel I got hung out to dry. Knowing something about how you feel. Let me suggest the old saw. The Boss may not always be right, but he is always the Boss. So don’t try to fight a battle that is unwinable no matter how wronged you may feel. If you were truly wronged it will be corrected later by a higher authority. Forgive and get on with the fun and games. Nothing in physical life is fair, and never will be. So just make sure you do the right things and let the chips fall where they may. Oh yes, never expect others to take up your cause, they have their own causes. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Sparky812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky812)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/83 "2010-05-18T14:36:15Z")
…shhhh! **BigT** finally got to sleep!🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/84 "2010-05-18T14:47:19Z")
I would take the OP’s complaint more seriously if he hadn’t admonished me and tried to get me in “trouble” (good luck with that…) by saying my tone was too harsh to a person who came into Comments on Cecil’s Columns and lied about Cecil’s research. Sort of, I don’t know, puts that whole incident into perspective. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/85 "2010-05-18T18:39:56Z")
lekatt, fenris…what? Is it ‘back from the dead’ week? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/86 "2010-05-18T18:58:07Z")
**BigT** , I don’t think anyone’s saying you should leave. Just that maybe a break maybe a good idea to get things in perspective. If you’re getting that emotionally attached to the board that a warning (and a fairly mild one at that) gets you so angry you can’t sleep, that your chest hurts and you start panicing, that’s not a good sign. Are you seeing a therapist? So have a nice hot cup of tea (DECAF), and chill. I suggest Celestial Seasons’ “Sleepy Time”. Back when I first started college, and was originally diagnosed OCD, I was having trouble sleeping sometimes. So my psychiatrist reccomended it to me. It’s pretty good. Hell, hot tea is always good. And CHILL. Okay? No one’s trying to kick you out. Just saying that you might need a vacation. ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/87 "2010-05-18T19:25:01Z")
**lekatt** said: > [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > Originally Posted by **BigT** > > I don’t know if this link will remain active, but you’ll notice that the word “fucking” has been used in 750 posts just in the past 18 days. > > Since this board has female as well as male posters the word is totally inappropriate. There are plenty of decent words that can be used in its place. Yes, because everybody knows that women don’t like _fucking_. :rolleyes: 😃 **BigT** said: > [@](#): > > There is no good reason to give a warning as a first response. None. The only reason to do it is because you WANT to piss someone off. I disagree. A warning is exactly that - a _warning_. If mods stopped giving warnings for first offences, then the next thing is posters would start cringing at “mod notes” and “mod instructions” and say, “Why can’t you just give a friendly polite comment _as a poster_ first? Why do you have to give a _mod note_? We all know that leads to _warnings_, which leads to _banning_.” Accept a warning is just that - an official alert that the behavior was not proper. If you do not understand what was improper, then request clarification. There is no set number of warnings that gets you banned. The mods look at a pattern of behavior - repeatedly violating the same rules or instructions, refusing to cooperate with the the board moderation, etc. A few scattered warnings for different unrelated events will not get you on any “troublemaker list”. > [@](#): > > And that is not the sign of a good moderator. A good moderator will try to diffuse the situation. … > > You guys don’t seem to get that I’m now more mad at him refusing to respond than getting the warning. I don’t think the warning was justified, but surely he could have explained why it was. > > Part of his job as a moderator is to defend his actions. He refuses to do so, because “It never works.” **BigT** , I do think you overreacted. I think your warning in the PM was a little vague, which you saw first, and that contributed to your feeling of unfairness about the warning. But your tantrum was not of benefit to anyone. It didn’t help address the situation here, it didn’t help people understand your concern or your side of the issue, and it didn’t help you calm down, it just got you madder. I do think you have a valid point that the moderator should make an attempt at explaining what occurred. My question for you, though, is do you really think that response from **Czarcasm** would have helped you calm down? Several people did post the explanation, including Dex. Several posters did comment that they’ve received similar warnings for similar situations, so it was not “picking on you”, it was consistent with prior moderations. That didn’t seem to help, you were already spun up, raging about how now this is your second warning, how the mods have you on the troublemaker list and are going to try to manufacture an excuse to ban you, etc. If you’re not able to think rationally about the topic, how is a reasonable response going to help? > [@](#): > > That says a lot coming from you, since you were also warned in that thread for something that made no sense. You just said that, if a response had been a moderator response, you’d have seen it as a bad one. How in the world is that warnable. That’s not an accurate representation of that event. **Angry Lurker** ’s comment was commentary on **Ellen Cherry** ’s fitness as a moderator. Definitely a personal attack. **BigT** said: > [@](#): > > But I also know that it makes you feel 100x better to express your anger. But did it help, or just keep you worked up so you couldn’t go to sleep? > [@](#): > > I just wish the person I was angry with would acknowledge that I had a reason to get angry, even if he ultimately thinks his action was justified. But I don’t think you had a good reason to get angry, certainly not as angry as you got. So why should the moderator who thinks his action was justified feel the need to acknowledge you had a reason to get angry? “Well, okay, you didn’t like getting moderated and got angry. I acknowledge that you didn’t like getting moderated, and that makes you angry. But you’ll just have to accept getting angry, because we’re not going to quit moderating you or anyone else. Getting angry is not a defense against moderation.” And somehow I doubt **Czarcasm** telling you that you are overreacting and should calm down would help you calm down and stop overreacting. The general principle is that getting told to calm down by the person who made you\* angry will only increase your anger. \*Generic you, as in people. **The Seventh Deadly Finn** said: > [@](#): > > No offense, but I started this thread with an open mind, and now I really hope you _do_ get banned. I disagree. I have never seen any problems like this from **BigT** before. I hope he can calm down and stop listening to the myths from the complaint-mongers, and begin to enjoy his experience here again. ---
**Author:** ![statsman1982](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@statsman1982](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/statsman1982)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/88 "2010-05-18T19:43:34Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > **BigT** , I don’t think anyone’s saying you should leave. Just that maybe a break maybe a good idea to get things in perspective. If you’re getting that emotionally attached to the board that a warning (and a fairly mild one at that) gets you so angry you can’t sleep, that your chest hurts and you start panicing, that’s not a good sign. > > Are you seeing a therapist? > > So have a nice hot cup of tea (DECAF), and chill. I suggest Celestial Seasons’ “Sleepy Time”. Back when I first started college, and was originally diagnosed OCD, I was having trouble sleeping sometimes. So my psychiatrist reccomended it to me. It’s pretty good. Hell, hot tea is always good. > > And CHILL. Okay? No one’s trying to kick you out. Just saying that you might need a vacation. Actually, I saw a couple of posts ( **The Seventh Deadly Finn’s** being the most recent) that implied that he should leave or be banned. Most people aren’t saying that, but there have been one or two. **BigT** , you’ve been kind to me in my posts about depression and anxiety, and you seem to have a lot of good stuff to contribute in other threads. I certainly don’t want you to leave. I wouldn’t have warned you for that post you made; maybe a note to tone it down, but certainly no warning. I’ve seen worse. I understand that a big reason you’re upset is the fact that the warning seems capricious. You wanted a thought-out explanation and all you got was the old line “don’t be a jerk.” Unfortunately, I have learned in my own life recently that our expectations for others will often lead us to be disappointed. We are powerless to change others’ behavior, but we can change \*how we react \*to it. The problem is, for people like us who have some mental issues, it may be difficult to see just how we should react. That’s where asking others whose judgement you trust can be very helpful. I’ve found that IMHO on this board is very helpful for getting new perspectives on issues that I’ve been very emotional about. The advice I’ve gotten from that forum has probably saved me from saying something inappropriate to my advisor at least twice. If I were you, until you are able to feel less emotional about things, present the issue to other posters and ask for their opinions. For the most part, posters don’t have a close emotional connection to one another, so the advice you’ll get is probably pretty sound. If it seems that the majority of (mostly) impartial posters goes one way and you favor another other, it might be good to reevaluate your position. I"m not saying abandon your own sense of ethics to groupthink, but I always think it’s a good idea to get more input than less (I’m a statistician, so I believe in the power of data 🙂 ). I wish you the best and a continued posting career on the Dope. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Seventh\_Deadly\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6bbea6/32.png) [@The\_Seventh\_Deadly\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Seventh_Deadly_Finn)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/89 "2010-05-19T05:04:44Z")
> [@xash](#): > > **The Seventh Deadly Finn** , insinuating that another poster is a troll is not permitted outside of the Pit. Please refrain. > > - **xash** > Administrator Oops. How ironic. My bad, didn’t realize that was a Bozo No-No— I’ll avoid doing it in the future. Wow, that was easy. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Seventh\_Deadly\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6bbea6/32.png) [@The\_Seventh\_Deadly\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Seventh_Deadly_Finn)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/90 "2010-05-19T05:11:04Z")
Also, I should probably apologize to the thread; somehow I missed the last 30 or 40 comments before mine when I posted. My post turned out to be redundant and perhaps a bit insensitive, since that part of the thread was where it started to look more possible that **Big T** wasn’t a guy with a chronic chip on his shoulder, but rather a guy having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/91 "2010-05-19T05:18:14Z")
_deleted post_ ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/92 "2010-05-19T11:41:21Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > lekatt, fenris…what? Is it ‘back from the dead’ week? I’ve been here all along–check the “LOST” and “Amazing Race” threads. Where have _you_ been…hmmmm? :dubious: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/93 "2010-05-19T12:20:02Z")
deleted ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/94 "2010-05-19T12:27:16Z")
> [@The\_Seventh\_Deadly\_Finn](#): > > Also, I should probably apologize to the thread; somehow I missed the last 30 or 40 comments before mine when I posted. > > My post turned out to be redundant and perhaps a bit insensitive, since that part of the thread was where it started to look more possible that **Big T** wasn’t a guy with a chronic chip on his shoulder, but rather a guy having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. That’s the thing, I find what you said to be a lot worse than anything I ever said, because you actually impugned my character. To me, how I word things shouldn’t have nearly as much a problem as what the underlying message is. Of course, there’s a bias there, because I know what I meant, and I know I wasn’t intending to attack anyone. You guys don’t. As much as it makes me want to cry, I do understand the warning, even if I do think my previous warning is why I didn’t get a mod note first. I’ve actually looked back on a few previous warnings by Czarcasm, and I’ve seen him give posters the benefit of the doubt, and people just been told to knock it off. And I don’t see how my post was worse than that. And I hope you guys understand that. It’s not that I don’t understand why my post was bad. I just don’t understand why it was bad enough for a warning. I think that, in absence of a specific rule, one should be told: Do this again, and I’ll give you a warning. A warning is not just a warning, because it is official and goes on your record. There may not be a set number, but I prided myself on never getting one, and it really hurts. The one from Marley hurt, but at least I understood that one (after he took the time to explain it to me, unlike Czarcasm). As to how I know I would have felt better if he had responded: because when Marley did it, I felt the same amount of anger, but the second he responded, I felt a lot better. I even changed my opinion of how good a moderator he is. You saw how I thought of him on the Sleeps thing. And there’s that. I’ve been pretty mean in this forum, and it has the highest decorum rules of any forum. I thought I was at the acceptable level. It was nice to express my anger for once in my life without worrying about hurting people. Like I said, finding out that I’ve hurt someone means a lot more to me than a rule. I don’t want to hurt people, I just want to be able to express myself. I get tired of getting angry and holding it in until I explode. And I’m too scared to star a Pit thread, because everyone blasts you there if your anger doesn’t measure up. So I thought I’d found a way to express my anger without hurting anyone or getting in trouble. I guess I was wrong. ETA: Forgot a part: It’s not really a bad day, but a bad year and a really really bad few weeks. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/95 "2010-05-19T12:37:02Z")
And Guin, while I appreciate the advice: I can’t have anything that touches my GABA receptors, and my research indicates camomile tea and valerian (which I believe are in what you suggested) have GABAergic compounds in them. I am thankful that you can be nice to me, even after you revealed what you think of me on that _other_ board. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/96 "2010-05-19T12:38:11Z")
> [@The\_Seventh\_Deadly\_Finn](#): > > Oops. How ironic. My bad, didn’t realize that was a Bozo No-No— I’ll avoid doing it in the future. > > Wow, that was easy. Yes, but you didn’t get a warning. And, at the time, I wasn’t certain I wasn’t going to do it again just out of spite. And I don’t lie. ---
**Author:** ![MTCicero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a4c791/32.png) [@MTCicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MTCicero)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/97 "2010-05-19T13:14:35Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > On the nose. Then why did you cite “language”? That seems just, well, dumb. ---
**Author:** ![MTCicero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a4c791/32.png) [@MTCicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MTCicero)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/98 "2010-05-19T13:16:28Z")
> [@ntucker](#): > > \ > I think someone should compile a database of acceptable vs unacceptable phrases in hopes of coming up with a concise set of rules. But that would remove all of that nifty “mystique” that’s so in with mods this season. ---
**Author:** ![MTCicero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a4c791/32.png) [@MTCicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MTCicero)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/99 "2010-05-19T13:17:31Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Surprise. I even flat out predict what you’re going to say, and you do it anyways. Make an actual argument, or you’ve de facto said that you just made up crap to get someone in trouble. This. ---
**Author:** ![MTCicero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a4c791/32.png) [@MTCicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MTCicero)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707/100 "2010-05-19T13:21:25Z")
> [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](#): > > Depending on the forum, there would have been moderator action for “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” That’s a personal insult that would not be permitted in many of the forums. > > We generally don’t care about use of words like fuck or shit, so long as the use is reasonable (i.e., if every other word was “fuck”, that would be considered excessive.) But why did Czarcasm cite inappropriate language specifically, if that wasn’t the case? This smacks of shitty moderation to me, which wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen such on the SDMB. And I’m asking you since Czarcasm seems loathe to respond (which makes me, and others, I’m sure, think that he _knows_ he hasn’t a leg to stand on). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-word-fuck-is-not-against-the-rulrs/539707.md?page=6)