# The world of dating for the mentally ill **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 20, 2010, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729 "2010-04-20T10:08:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/21 "2010-04-21T01:45:15Z")
It’s OK for you to be prettier than she is, as long as you yourself don’t have a problem with that. Someone usually has to be prettiest. Feel cute and give her a good time and enjoy yourself. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/22 "2010-04-21T01:54:29Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I consider “gorgeous” to mean about the best possible looking person. Just because I don’t want to call her that and think she’s average-looking doesn’t mean she’s “ugly”. It sounds from this and other threads as though social nuance is something that doesn’t come to you. Perhaps you could avoid saying anything that you feel is too literal and possibly untrue and say something that covers a wider spectrum of possibilities. “You’re very special”, for example, doesn’t imply any degree of attractiveness relative to others and might make her feel good. I do understand that some people are frustrated with your threads. But it is true that the mentally ill often want and need to connect romantically and sexually in the same way as their non-mentally ill peers and that their illnesses and conditions can pose some difficulties there. I’m glad you are having a good dating experience thus far If there is anything that I would suggest based on your threads it’s that it is nice to try to think about what would make for a good dating experience for the other person as well. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/23 "2010-04-21T02:14:04Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Why do you keep starting threads about it? If you’re so conflicted about dating an ugly girl that you can’t write about anything else, maybe you shouldn’t be with her. Or maybe you’re bragging? Maybe you should consider discussing your obsession with your girlfriend’s looks with your therapist/psychiatrist. I see at as no more problematic than a gay person posting about their partner. Do you think they care if a homophobe reads it and gets offended? As far as I’m concerned, the fact that you get offended by it is your problem. You can deal with it in therapy, or you can not open threads that you know are going to have something to do with it. The one thing that is not right is to come into a thread explicitly about it and then complain about being offended by it. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/24 "2010-04-21T02:22:20Z")
Get a blog where you can tell the world about how much you like to fuck your ugly girlfriend. Then show her and her parents your blog. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/25 "2010-04-21T05:43:29Z")
> [@lorene](#): > > It sounds from this and other threads as though social nuance is something that doesn’t come to you. I learn some things in books though… e.g. about the importance of some eye contact and not staring. (well I learnt not to stare in real life… when I was young a girl who I didn’t even like said “don’t stare!” and later in life I was perving on a girl a little older than me on a bus and she eventually gave me the finger (middle finger)). I also learnt in books that if you try to set up a date and they keep on giving excuses then they aren’t interested despite how friendly and eager to talk they seem. And I learnt about body language, etc. I sometimes learn things from messageboards or people too. In the past I was diagnosed with border-line asperger’s syndrome. > [@](#): > > Perhaps you could avoid saying anything that you feel is too literal and possibly untrue and say something that covers a wider spectrum of possibilities. “You’re very special”, for example, doesn’t imply any degree of attractiveness relative to others and might make her feel good. I think the term “cute” is ok as well… it is kind of vague about the degree of attractiveness. > [@](#): > > I’m glad you are having a good dating experience thus far If there is anything that I would suggest based on your threads it’s that it is nice to try to think about what would make for a good dating experience for the other person as well. Ok. BTW I did tell her I loved her and also recently gave her a $100 gold-plated really nice watch (she picked it out and it used to be $225). I also compliment her fairly often, etc. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/26 "2010-04-21T05:47:08Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > Get a blog where you can tell the world about how much you like to fuck your ugly girlfriend. She’s not ugly! BTW I’ve done that. Also the threads I’ve made here are also equivalent to a blog - just a small one. > [@](#): > > Then show her and her parents your blog. My parents might even be shocked to know I’m having sex… and I have mentioned my internet writings about her to her a couple of times but I don’t plan on showing her or my parents. Maybe you have beliefs that would shock or offend people you know as well. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/27 "2010-04-21T13:57:06Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I see at as no more problematic than a gay person posting about their partner. Do you think they care if a homophobe reads it and gets offended? > > As far as I’m concerned, the fact that you get offended by it is your problem. You can deal with it in therapy, or you can not open threads that you know are going to have something to do with it. The one thing that is not right is to come into a thread explicitly about it and then complain about being offended by it. And as far as **I’m** concerned, if you don’t like a response someone has written, you are free to report it, instead of lecturing grown people like you’re the hall monitor. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/28 "2010-04-21T14:01:54Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > And as far as **I’m** concerned, if you don’t like a response someone has written, you are free to report it, instead of lecturing grown people like you’re the hall monitor. Irony. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/29 "2010-04-21T14:19:07Z")
A message board isn’t really an appropriate place for blogging, in case you’re unaware. That’s why so many posters are confused. If you have an actual question that’s one thing. Blogging is another. If I were your girlfriend I wouldn’t want you sharing with others that you think I’m just average looking. That you continue to repeat this, about her, reflects somewhat badly on you. Please stop doing it. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/30 "2010-04-21T16:48:58Z")
For once, I actually agree with **elbows**. It’s not a blogging site. It’s a question and answer kind of site, a debate site, a site for pontificating. It’s not one for telling the world you have a hideous girlfriend, or that you’re all crazy. If it comes up in the discussion, that’s one thing. If it comes up as an answer to a question, that’s fine, too. If it comes up as an elaboration on a problem a poster has, okay. But just telling the world your lady is crazy and ugly? Not the intent of this site. ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/31 "2010-04-21T17:37:22Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > But just telling the world your lady is crazy and ugly? Not the intent of this site. Minor correction: he’s crazy, she’s ugly. Well, I suppose one may argue she _may_ be crazy, but at this moment we don’t know if she’s diagnosed crazy, like the OP is. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/32 "2010-04-21T18:28:50Z")
> [@](#): > > For once, I actually agree with elbows. Ouch!😃 ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/33 "2010-04-21T19:07:40Z")
Okay, I am going to take a crack at this. JohnClay, please forgive me if my next paragraph is out of line. I have an older sister that is Deaf and was very sheltered. There are times that she is lacking in social graces and benefits from people being very clear - so here it goes: - If you care about your girlfriend, stop referring to her as a 5. No one likes that, especially the person you are talking about. Don’t do it here or anywhere else. People are usually very aware of their shortcomings, but no one likes to know their own SO sees them too. -Your girlfriend would probably not like you to be bragging about her sexual skills. Many people like matters of intimacy to remain between themselves and their partner. -Get into a habit of complimenting her on something when you see her, but it has to be honest. “You have a great smile”, “You have sexy, full lips”, “I love the small of your back” whatever. There you go. Hopefully it helps. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/34 "2010-04-21T19:23:10Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Irony. Wrong, but thanks for playing! A mod is highly unlikely to take the OP aside and kindly explain to him the subtle nuances of the board, like “don’t just keep starting the same lame thread over and over”- that’s more of a peer thing. It’s something that he needs to hear, just like I’d need to hear it if I were doing something socially unacceptable. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/35 "2010-04-21T19:44:41Z")
**JohnClay** , you’re doing two things that tend to fall outside the bounds of general social acceptability. 1. Describing your girlfriend by a number. That kind of numbering system is slightly obnoxious and reductive under any circumstances, but when one is in a committed relationship, other people will likely consider that kind of numerical evaluation to be overly literal and offensive. Once you are in a relationship, people assume that you are with the other person because you found something about that person that makes you like them better than anyone else. It’s therefore jarring to people to hear you comparing your girlfriend unfavorably to others; it sounds (a) like you’re not devoted to her but rather are just waiting for something better to come along, and (b) like you’re complaining about not being happy in your relationship. Keep those numerical ratings to yourself. Does being with her make you happy? Tell us about that instead, if you want to talk about your relationship. 2. Describing your particular sexual acts. That sort of detail is too much sharing for ordinary conversation. Sex is typically considered to be an intimate experience, and it will make many people uncomfortable for you to discuss it so openly. Also, out of context, it can make your relationship sound one-dimensional and mechanical, as though you’re only in it for the sex. On preview, I see that **Poysyn** has anticipated everything I said. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/36 "2010-04-21T23:20:14Z")
> [@Poysyn](#): > > - If you care about your girlfriend, stop referring to her as a 5. I think I didn’t in this thread, except when quoting the previous thread’s title. BTW I think she’s at least a 7 some of the time. > [@](#): > > -Your girlfriend would probably not like you to be bragging about her sexual skills. Many people like matters of intimacy to remain between themselves and their partner. She talks about sex with her friends… > [@](#): > > -Get into a habit of complimenting her on something when you see her, but it has to be honest. “You have a great smile”, “You have sexy, full lips”, “I love the small of your back” whatever. Yeah that’s what I do… I did mention that I have trouble honestly saying she’s gorgeous though… which a lot of people on this thread think means I think she’s ugly. Well it doesn’t mean that. ---
**Author:** ![Kolga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e56c9b/32.png) [@Kolga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolga)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/37 "2010-04-21T23:39:05Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > She talks about sex with her friends… This might be one of those social nuances that you don’t understand. HER talking about sex with HER friends is completely different than her BOYFRIEND talking about HER sexual behavior with COMPLETE STRANGERS. There are levels of appropriate sharing and levels of sharing with which people feel comfortable, and sharing intimate details of sexuality might (or might not) be something that your girlfriend wouldn’t appreciate. Remember, the differences here are that in her behavior, she’s choosing to discuss sex (whether or not it involves her own behavior) with her own friends. In your behavior, you’re choosing to talk specifically about her sexual behavior with complete strangers. She may be perfectly fine with the former, but not with the latter. It’s a difference to some people. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/38 "2010-04-21T23:41:19Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Once you are in a relationship, people assume that you are with the other person because you found something about that person that makes you like them better than anyone else. I disagree… you’re saying that people only date people that they like the most (in the world)… what if there is an attractive girl at school that 4 guys like the most in the world… if she is being dated, does that mean that the other 3 guys have to wait their turn? Or can they settle for their second-most favourite girl? BTW the girl they like the most might even be an actress whom they’ll never meet. > [@](#): > > It’s therefore jarring to people to hear you comparing your girlfriend unfavorably to others; it sounds (a) like you’re not devoted to her but rather are just waiting for something better to come along, I rate myself as about a 5 as well and don’t expect that anyone better would come along. And even if they did there is no guarantee she’d be as good as my girlfriend as far as accepting me goes, etc, so I wouldn’t take the risk of chasing another girl. See also: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12338726&postcount=51](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12338726&postcount=51) > [@](#): > > and (b) like you’re complaining about not being happy in your relationship. Sometimes I’m not happy about my relationship - e.g. sometimes she has leg hair… I talked about it to her a couple of times and then she waxed instead of occasionally shaving so that was good. > [@](#): > > Keep those numerical ratings to yourself. Well in comedies (Joey/She’s Out of My League) they share ratings of girls and each other with their friends… though later in the movie they gave up on ratings. BTW there are also sites like “hot or not” which involve a rating out of 10. > [@](#): > > Does being with her make you happy? Tell us about that instead, if you want to talk about your relationship. She sometimes makes me feel happy but sometimes I feel worried, etc. > [@](#): > > 1. Describing your particular sexual acts. That sort of detail is too much sharing for ordinary conversation. Sex is typically considered to be an intimate experience, and it will make many people uncomfortable for you to discuss it so openly. I agree that it can make people uncomfortable but I’ve noticed on many messageboards and books people discuss that. And I’ve talked to some friends about it on the condition they don’t tell others. BTW I’m uncomfortable when people swear yet people are allowed to use the F word here. > [@](#): > > Also, out of context, it can make your relationship sound one-dimensional and mechanical, as though you’re only in it for the sex. I like hugging and kissing as well… btw since about the age of 18 I haven’t been able to orgasm though I ejaculate. My girlfriend puts up with that so that’s good. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/39 "2010-04-21T23:43:11Z")
> [@bobkitty](#): > > Minor correction: he’s crazy, she’s ugly. > > Well, I suppose one may argue she _may_ be crazy, but at this moment we don’t know if she’s diagnosed crazy, like the OP is. She’s crazy as well (if she doesn’t take her medication)… the OP pretty much said that mentally ill people date other mentally ill people. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/40 "2010-04-21T23:49:08Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > …“don’t just keep starting the same lame thread over and over”- that’s more of a peer thing. It’s something that he needs to hear, just like I’d need to hear it if I were doing something socially unacceptable. The threads are different! About “Beauty and the Geek” & my girlfriend & breaking up with her: keeping a girlfriend when asked tough questions > **[keeping a girlfriend when asked tough questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=523195)** > > Hi, I’m planning on auditioning for beauty and the geek but I have a girlfriend (in the past there has been at least one guy on the show who had a girlfriend). Anyway in looks my girlfriend is maybe a 5. (mostly because of her big belly though I... About trying to get back with my girlfriend: Clueless guy wants to get back together with ex > **[Clueless guy wants to get back together with ex](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=546031)** > > Any tips or even harsh advice welcome… Background info: I broke up with her in July 2009. I said that I didn’t love her enough and that people on the internet said I wasn’t good enough for her. Anyway she pays me for the Internet every month or two... About rating my girlfriend and the movie and going to the movie: Should I take my “5” girlfriend to “She’s Out Of My League”? > **[Should I take my "5" girlfriend to "She's Out Of My League"?](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=559457)** > > I think I’m about a 5… apparently I’m good looking but I have personality problems (mental illness, etc). I think my girlfriend is about a 5 or 6 too… (ok looking but very responsible and good personality, very good in bed, etc) On IMDb girls give... About how the mentally ill date within their own circles The world of dating for the mentally ill > **[The world of dating for the mentally ill](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=560315)** > > This is a continuation of the closed thread “Should I take my “5” girlfriend to “She’s Out Of My League”?” I have a mental illness - bipolar disorder/social phobia. There are organisations and institutions where people with mental illnesses can... [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729.md?page=3)