# The world of dating for the mentally ill **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 20, 2010, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729 "2010-04-20T10:08:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/41 "2010-04-21T23:50:36Z")
Oh, okay. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/42 "2010-04-21T23:56:14Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > For once, I actually agree with **elbows**. It’s not a blogging site. It’s a question and answer kind of site, a debate site, a site for pontificating. It’s not one for telling the world you have a hideous girlfriend, or that you’re all crazy. > > If it comes up in the discussion, that’s one thing. If it comes up as an answer to a question, that’s fine, too. If it comes up as an elaboration on a problem a poster has, okay. But just telling the world your lady is crazy and ugly? Not the intent of this site. Firstly, I never said she was ugly… she isn’t ugly! And she isn’t crazy (if she has her medication). As far as pontificating goes, I think I’ve been doing that… Anyway, in this thread I people can answer the following questions - Do you have any contact with mentally ill people? Do they also date with their own kind like the guys I know? Any interesting tales? Some of them eventually get married. They apparently have a much greater chance of having mentally ill offspring due to mental illness being about nature and nurture. BTW my girlfriend wants to have one kid… (after marriage) though I’ve told her that for the time being I don’t want one… ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/43 "2010-04-22T00:16:10Z")
> [@Kolga](#): > > This might be one of those social nuances that you don’t understand. HER talking about sex with HER friends is completely different than her BOYFRIEND talking about HER sexual behavior with COMPLETE STRANGERS. The thing is that I have to meet her friends and I might feel awkward knowing that they know what we get up to… so I might have to make sure I give her pretty good sex. On the other hand I am talking about sex here to people she will never meet… BTW there are probably some examples on this board where people talk about their SO’s sexual behaviour: Did You Plan Your Sexual Milestones Ahead of Time, or Did They Just Happen? > **[Did You Plan Your Sexual Milestones Ahead of Time, or Did They Just Happen?](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=554406)** > > The classic example might be the girl who plans to lose her virginity prom night, but I’m talking about other sexual milestones as well. Did you plan on giving your first BJ ahead of time, or did it just happen? Did you discuss your first attempt at... What are some red flags that your potential partner will be inhibited in the sack? > **[What are some red flags that your potential partner will be inhibited in the...](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=546513)** > > I don’t just mean vanilla sex, or unwilling to try certain things. I’m talking “lights out, only under the covers, nothing besides missionary, no oral sex (giving or receiving), and try not to look at me naked” kind of inhibited. Being a guy, I’m... > [@](#): > > Remember, the differences here are that in her behavior, she’s choosing to discuss sex (whether or not it involves her own behavior) with her own friends. In your behavior, you’re choosing to talk specifically about her sexual behavior with complete strangers. > > She may be perfectly fine with the former, but not with the latter. It’s a difference to some people. What if I talked about sex with my parents, friends, etc, and then told her that I talk about our sex with those people… and then I might say that I talked about sex where she was anonymous on a messageboard where I am anonymous as well. I’m sure she would prefer the latter. BTW she has problems with social anxiety and can worry about what people think. What people think who she’ll never meet isn’t a problem IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Kolga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e56c9b/32.png) [@Kolga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolga)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/44 "2010-04-22T01:00:22Z")
Again, the difference is that you don’t know how she feels about you talking about her sexual behavior - you haven’t asked, and it seems like you don’t intend to. So, you’ve pretty much exhibited that you don’t care what she might think, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, and you don’t really care how she feels about it. Thanks for clarifying that. I’m done. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/45 "2010-04-22T02:02:40Z")
> [@Kolga](#): > > Again, the difference is that you don’t know how she feels about you talking about her sexual behavior - you haven’t asked, and it seems like you don’t intend to. I’ve told her at least twice that I discuss our relationship in great detail on the internet. > [@](#): > > So, you’ve pretty much exhibited that you don’t care what she might think, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, and you don’t really care how she feels about it… Yeah I don’t seek her approval in every aspect of the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/46 "2010-04-22T02:55:49Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I’ve told her at least twice that I discuss our relationship in great detail on the internet. > Yeah I don’t seek her approval in every aspect of the relationship. Unfortunately, this is one aspect where you most certainly should. It’s HER relationship too. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/47 "2010-04-22T03:32:17Z")
Guinastasia: There are help columns in some magazines (e.g. women’s ones) where people write in and ask advice about their sex problems… I doubt that many of the people who wrote in would get permission from their partner first… ---
**Author:** ![yuliya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/f6c823/32.png) [@yuliya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yuliya)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/48 "2010-04-22T03:43:31Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I’ve told her at least twice that I discuss our relationship in great detail on the internet. What does she say when you say this? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/49 "2010-04-22T03:51:08Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Wrong, but thanks for playing! Oh no, it was ironic all right. Hall monitoring to other people that they shouldn’t act like hall monitors and everything. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/50 "2010-04-22T03:55:22Z")
> [@yuliya](#): > > What does she say when you say this? I can’t remember her really anything besides “ok”. I guess I could have asked her how she feels though it might make her feel even more uncomfortable… ---
**Author:** ![yuliya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/f6c823/32.png) [@yuliya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yuliya)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/51 "2010-04-22T04:11:39Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I can’t remember her really anything besides “ok”. I guess I could have asked her how she feels though it might make her feel even more uncomfortable… Asking someone, especially your girlfriend, how they feel is almost never a bad thing. If you ask her these things you will learn more about her. This is part of a healthy relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 9:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/52 "2010-04-22T09:16:03Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > Do you have any contact with mentally ill people? Yes. Many of my client’s spouses are mentally ill. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/53 "2010-04-22T09:17:28Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I guess I could have asked her how she feels though it might make her feel even more uncomfortable… Then do not post about her the way you have been posting about her. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/54 "2010-04-22T09:52:16Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > Then do not post about her the way you have been posting about her. Somehow this seems to me to be similar to saying “then do not think about her the way you have been thinking about her” because I am in a habit of posting what I think (well I censor some things). I guess me confiding in mental health workers and occasionally friends/relatives should be enough… after all posting about these thoughts might just reinforce them? Or maybe posting about them helps me see problems in my thoughts since people in real life don’t usually point out problems in what I’m saying… though posting my dark thoughts leads to the possibility of people in my life finding out about them. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/55 "2010-04-22T10:08:48Z")
Hmmm… I guess I should treat this kind of like socialising… i.e. I should censor myself more in order to appear more “normal” ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/56 "2010-04-22T11:40:29Z")
This is blog sharing, no one here wants to know this much about you. That’s what they’ve been trying to tell you. You seem unable to hear it. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/57 "2010-04-22T17:46:30Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > Hmmm… I guess I should treat this kind of like socialising… i.e. I should censor myself more in order to appear more “normal” We all censor ourselves. That’s kind of what socialization is. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/58 "2010-04-22T20:27:20Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > This is blog sharing, no one here wants to know this much about you. That’s what they’ve been trying to tell you. You seem unable to hear it. Do please remember that **JC** is socialphobic, so these things are not necessarily obvious to him - even on the internet. I’m living with depression and longstanding issues about love, work, and socialization myself. I know how trapped you can feel at times, and I know the urge to share, AND the inability to find a person or a place. So I’m interested in what **JC** might have to say about these things. For those reasons I’m tempted to cut **JC** some slack. I am, however, sometimes guilty of attention-whoring when I should be sharing. So YMM most definitely V. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/59 "2010-04-22T23:37:56Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > This is blog sharing, no one here wants to know this much about you. That’s what they’ve been trying to tell you. You seem unable to hear it. Actually about a year ago on another messageboard my blog thread got voted as thread of the year… and I went into far more detail… but it seems these forums here are different. ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2010, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/60 "2010-04-22T23:40:33Z")
John, I hope you get help. Social phobia is something that you can get help with. I know someone with it and I think I may have had it in my teens. Back then they called it extreme shyness. Don’t avoid the problem by hiding out with other social phobes. That is not going to fix you. Only you can do that and I hope you do because the world is a very cool place once you can drop the fear. It is just fear. Fear can equal, “Fuc\* Everything And Run” Or it can mean “Face Everything And Recover” All you have to do is walk through the fear. Life is scary! Like the first time I drove a car or the first day on new job. I was shaking on the inside but I did it anyway. Little by little the fear went away by facing it dead on. As for sex that needs to be when you want it because you are in love with someone. Only a two bit chump would use a girl for sex that he didn’t love. You are too good of a person to do that. You mentioned it because it is bothering you. So don’t! Hang out with people you want to emulate. Hanging out with ill people will just keep you ill. We can’t give away what we don’t have. Fix you and worry about staying in the moment. Stay in today and tomorrow will take care of itself. Baby steps. One small step a day and you will conquer this. A wise man once told me this: “If you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tommorow your crapping all over today”. Good Luck [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729.md?page=4)