# The world of dating for the mentally ill **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 20, 2010, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729 "2010-04-20T10:08:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/61 "2010-04-23T00:45:18Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > John, I hope you get help. Social phobia is something that you can get help with. The thing is though that I don’t have a problem asking questions of the lecturer or arguing with the tutor at university… I sometimes have trouble having fun with others. > [@](#): > > …Don’t avoid the problem by hiding out with other social phobes. That is not going to fix you. Only you can do that and I hope you do because the world is a very cool place once you can drop the fear. It is just fear. > > Fear can equal, “Fuc\* Everything And Run” > Or it can mean “Face Everything And Recover” Sometimes I do confront my fears - sometimes I even question whether I should be afraid of anything - and that’s when I become unwell/manic/psychotic. > [@](#): > > …As for sex that needs to be when you want it because you are in love with someone. Only a two bit chump would use a girl for sex that he didn’t love. I thought sometimes sex happens on the 3rd date or something like that. Anyway I love my girlfriend or at least that’s what I’ve told her. (my mind is made up of some contradictions though) > [@](#): > > You are too good of a person to do that. You mentioned it because it is bothering you. So don’t! Hang out with people you want to emulate. Hanging out with ill people will just keep you ill. But like I mentioned earlier, one of them talks about me and says I’m his best friend… though I only see him every several months and want to avoid him… BTW at university the people I hang around with sometimes aren’t ill. > [@](#): > > We can’t give away what we don’t have. Fix you and worry about staying in the moment. Stay in today and tomorrow will take care of itself. Actually staying in today sometimes causes me to become manic because I forget about the consequences of things. Or it can make me even less ambitious than I already am. > [@](#): > > Good Luck Thanks ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/62 "2010-04-23T00:45:38Z")
What board would that be, John? ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/63 "2010-04-23T00:59:19Z")
elbows: I thought “no one here wants to know this much about you”… also if I said what messageboard it was it might increase the chances of my girlfriend and people I know finding out about it or it would increase how embarassing the things they’d see would be. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/64 "2010-04-23T01:05:30Z")
I think nobody wants to know things like how many times your girlfriend has given you handjobs at the movies, or how it stained your pants. It’s details like that that are over the top and also show disrespect for the intimate nature of your relationship with your girlfriend. I’m bipolar too, by the way, though I don’t have the additional social issues that you seem to have with the borderline Asperger’s and the social phobia stuff. I have gotten a lot better with social interactions with age and better medication. I was a real mess in high school and my early 20s with relationships, though. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/65 "2010-04-23T01:15:39Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > I think nobody wants to know things like how many times your girlfriend has given you handjobs at the movies, or how it stained your pants. It’s details like that that are over the top and also show disrespect for the intimate nature of your relationship with your girlfriend… I like to share things… and that stuff seemed particularly interesting because I found it a bit hard to believe it happened… though my friend also didn’t like me sharing that. I think people at high school would brag about things like that… maybe I’m just at that stage. > [@](#): > > …I was a real mess in high school and my early 20s with relationships, though. So you’ve had a lot of practice with relationships… this is the first relationship I’ve had (and the first girl I’ve dated, romantically hugged or kissed, etc) ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/66 "2010-04-23T01:17:41Z")
You may like to share things, but things like that come across as tacky, crass, and disrespectful. And the fact that you’ve brought it up repeatedly makes it sound like some bizarre attempt at bragging. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/67 "2010-04-23T01:28:37Z")
Yeah I think it is an attempt at bragging too… and like I said I don’t have much experience dating and maybe I’m in the early stage where some guys brag. “things like that come across as tacky, crass, and disrespectful.” The thing is though that I don’t talk to my girlfriend about it (I might say vaguely in a message “thanks for making the day memorable”) so I’d like some kind of outlet… I haven’t told my mental health workers about it though… ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/68 "2010-04-23T02:10:41Z")
> [@](#): > > elbows: > I thought “no one here wants to know this much about you”.. Y’know what John, I was just wondering if it was a board of a similar nature to this one. People have cut you a lot of slack because you have issues. They’ve been tactfully trying to give you some hints. But now you’re just sounding kind of douchie. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/69 "2010-04-23T02:14:33Z")
elbows: Well I nitpick a lot at university… ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/70 "2010-04-23T03:25:41Z")
When I say it comes across as tacky, crass, and disrespectful, let me put it another way… I think most women have done the occasional dirty/naughty thing here and there, but generally speaking when you hear about things like girls giving handjobs at movie theaters, you think trashy/slutty girl. You think cheap and classless. It may not be true of your girlfriend, but that’s how you are portraying her to us, whether you mean to or not. Also, I think in general that sort of thing is more often the realm of teenagers and other people who otherwise have no resource for privacy, or who haven’t learned yet how to behave when their hormones are goin’. So you’re coming across as a bit juvenile by going on and on about it. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/71 "2010-04-23T03:34:00Z")
OpalCat: What if I like the idea of a dirty/naughty girl - though one that is faithful and is in a long term relationship. (i.e. they’re not a slut) Since I like the idea I find it hard to understand why others don’t… well I guess society likes girls to be innocent/virginal/etc… ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/72 "2010-04-23T03:39:30Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > OpalCat: > What if I like the idea of a dirty/naughty girl - though one that is faithful and is in a long term relationship. (i.e. they’re not a slut) Since I like the idea I find it hard to understand why others don’t… well I guess society likes girls to be innocent/virginal/etc… That’s all very well and good, but you don’t have to constantly go on and on about it. Have you never heard of the concept of TMI? ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/73 "2010-04-23T04:00:00Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > OpalCat: > What if I like the idea of a dirty/naughty girl - though one that is faithful and is in a long term relationship. (i.e. they’re not a slut) Since I like the idea I find it hard to understand why others don’t… well I guess society likes girls to be innocent/virginal/etc… Let me put it to you bluntly: regardless of what you like in your personal, private relationship, would your girlfriend enjoy knowing that you portray her online as an actual slut? Would she enjoy knowing that people online know her as “that not-very-attractive girl who does tacky public sex stuff?” Because that’s how you’re making her come across. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 7:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/74 "2010-04-23T07:51:14Z")
JohnClay, you portray your girlfriend as someone who is easily manipulated, and you portray youself as someone who manipulates her and who does not value her as a person. That is a bad thing. ---
**Author:** ![Fake\_Tales\_of\_San\_Francisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8491ac/32.png) [@Fake\_Tales\_of\_San\_Francisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fake_Tales_of_San_Francisco)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/75 "2010-04-23T08:05:09Z")
You seem to be far too pre-occupied with what you perceive to be her faults. I suppose since this is your first step into the world of relationships then all these issues people have raised are to be expected, but it might be an idea to actually take them on board as much as possible. If you truly love someone, you don’t just love them despite of their faults, their ‘faults’ become irrelevant to the point you don’t actively think about them all the time. You seem to be conflicted, especially on the point on whether you love them or not. Telling someone something doesn’t make it true for you, and she can probably tell if you mean it or not. Also, a healthy relationship isn’t based on taking. Ignore me if I’m completely off base, but from what you’ve written I’ve gathered one thing; You’re more interested in the way she makes you feel than how you can make her feel good. A healthy, strong relationship doesn’t work like that. It’s far better when you feel good when you make _her_ feel good. Giving should be priority for both partners, and it should feel right. If you’re both just taking from each other, rating each other’s sexual abilities based on how you feel, rating her looks on how they turn you on etc, then that isn’t a strong basis for a good relationship. But I suppose you’ll figure this stuff out yourself as you go along. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/76 "2010-04-23T12:08:57Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > I think nobody wants to know things like how many times your girlfriend has given you handjobs at the movies, or how it stained your pants. Well, I think “nobody” is an overstatement. Personally, that is about all I’ve found interesting in the threads. But yes, YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/77 "2010-04-23T14:34:38Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Well, I think “nobody” is an overstatement. Personally, that is about all I’ve found interesting in the threads. But yes, YMMV. Ok but do you find it interesting in that it’s actually interesting, or more of a trainwreck kind of thing? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/78 "2010-04-23T14:40:35Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > Ok but do you find it interesting in that it’s actually interesting, or more of a trainwreck kind of thing? Both, primarily the trainwreck. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/79 "2010-04-23T15:07:10Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > Ok but do you find it interesting in that it’s actually interesting, or more of a trainwreck kind of thing? Sorry, didn’t get back in time to edit. There is a third option, which is probably what I would have chosen. Namely that this may be performance art. You are assuming the OP is for real; I’m not so quick to assume. Anyway, as performance art it is working. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2010, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729/80 "2010-04-23T15:27:49Z")
Actually I’m maintaining a bit of skepticism about whether or not the OP is for real, but I am responding as if he is (because there isn’t much point of responding the other way). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-world-of-dating-for-the-mentally-ill/536729.md?page=5)