# The Worst Novelist Ever **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 13, 2018, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493 "2018-03-13T15:59:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2018, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/61 "2018-03-14T23:04:10Z")
Years ago I produced a file of Bad Science Fiction, with special emphasis on Fanthorpe. For those of you too lazy to click on my links above, I offer the following example of Really Bad Writing from Fanthorpe, under his many pseudonyms. I threw myself on this particular grenade, reading through as many of his works as I could get my hands on: > [@](#): > > ``` > Fanthorpe-isms: > > ``` > > a.) When he awoke it was pitch dark, dark as the pit, dark as the tomb, dark as the grave. A thick, black velvet darkness that seemed almost tangible in its intensity. The kind of darkness that got into the pores of your nose… > > ``` > Orbit One > Writing as John E. Muller > > ``` > > b.) Trinkle did not possess a legal mind. He was a mental grasshopper, an intellectual kangaroo, a mind wallaby. > > ``` > Beyond the Void > Writing as John E. Muller > > ``` > > c.) The grey voice of the grey Seaforth glided greyly on to their ears, like a tide of putrescent grey molasses. > > ``` > The Room With the Broken Floor > Writing as Pel Torro > > ``` > > d.) “I’m am idiot,” he said. “I am the primaeval ancestor of all idiots. I am an arch-crud. I am the nig-nog of all the nig-nogs. I am the ultimate splurge!” > > ``` > Dark Continuum > Writing as John E. Muller > > ``` > > e.) Everywhere was dark, dark darkness. Blackness. Black. Black blackness. > > ``` > A 1,000 Years On > Writing as John E. Muller > > ``` > > f.) Chuck Mahoney was running, running wildly and blindly around the ancient Temple, tripping, stumbling, falling, scrambling to his feet again and falling once more. He was bruised, battered, breathless and bloodstained. > > ``` > The Last Valkyrie > Writing as Lionel Roberts > > ``` > > g.) After all the natural perils that he had already overcome, the mountains circumnavigated, here was something new. Here was Terror with a capital “T”; Fear with a capital “F”; Horror with a capital “H”. > > ``` > Orbit One > Writing as John E. Muller > > ``` > > h.) _From **Dark Continuum** , the amazing tooth-brushing scene_ – She screwed up the securing diagram and was overwhelmed by a sudden desire to clean her teeth. It became the be all and end all of existence for a few seconds. The desire to clean her teeth grew absolutely compulsive, she could have no more resisted it than she could have flown unaided between two planets. > Moving quickly from the radio to her living quarters, she squeezed a little water into a plastic container and put a few dabs of toothpaste on her brush. She slipped the brush into her mouth and pressed the small button in the end which activated its electric motor. The bristles-soft, gentle bristles, guaranteed not to damage the enamel or the gum-moved swiftly against the teeth. She began with the top left molars, worked round to the bicuspids, and came round again from them to the incisors, the canines, the laterals and the centrals. Once she had reached the front of her mouth, she-changed her grip on the brush so that it moved round to the top right, travelling over the bicuspids and molars as it moved. Coming down the sides of her teeth, she paused and took a deep breath, placed a little more paste upon the brush and moved it round again this time beginning with the actual chewing surface of the upper right molars, coming round and cleaning again between the crevices until she had worked round to the left-hand molars. > Once more she put paste on the brush in this same elaborate ritual and concentrated her attention now upon the inside of the upper left molars, the inside of the upper left bicuspids, round across the incisors and so back to the right-hand masticators. She rinsed the brush, reapplied the paste and repeated the whole ritualistic process with the lower teeth. She cleaned the brush very carefully and then, in a set way, put it back and moved back towards the radio set. > She had taken barely a dozen paces when she was assailed by a horrible thought that she had not cleaned the top left inside molars. She stood in an agony of uncertainty for five minutes, then went back to the bathroom area of her living quarters, recharged the brush and carefully cleaned again the top left molars on their inside surfaces. She looked at her reflection in the mirror; it foamed back at her like a rabid dog. > “This time I have done them all,” she said. “What about the bottom inside molars?” asked her reflection. “I have done them all,” said Marian firmly. “If you have forgotten them the bacteria responsible for dental caries will get in,” said the voice in her mind. “It is no good being clean on the outside if you have forgotten the inside. Are you sure you have done the left inside?” “Yes, I have, I have.” Marian picked up her toothbrush and flung it savagely across the dome; it bounced from the thick plastic glass and broke on the floor. > > i.) …Brighter and more deadly still grew the yellow light, until it seemed that the whole universe had resolved into a wilderness of inhuman yellowness. . . The ochre tint was reminiscent of the foulest regions of Dante’s Inferno. It was a temple of hell, in an island of hell, in world of hell, in a universe of hell. > The Last Valkyrie > Writing as Lionel Roberts > > j.) The darkness all around him was thick, black, stygian. It was a stifling, overwhelming, suffocating darkness. A horrifying terrifying darkness. A darkness of the nethermost pit of hell. Indescribable. It seemed an oppressive darkness, like the darkness of some foul underground dungeon, to which the blessed light of the sun never gained access. It was velvety, almost tactile. He was inhaling it; it was penetrating the pores of his skin; it seemed that the world had always been darkness, that the world alway would be darkness. It was a timeless darkness, a weird, horrifying, overwhelming eternal blackness. He felt as though this was the darkness of a tomb, and that he had been buried alive. . . > Fly, Witch, Fly > Writing as Leo Brett > > k.) Thick, black tactile darkness. He coughed and spluttered as though trying to spit the darkness out. The darkness didn’t seem to want to be spat out; it continued filling his nose and mouth and ears. > Orbit One > Writing as John E. Muller > > 8.) From Space Fury by R.L. Fanthorpe > > a.) p. 7 – There were little flies of apprehension around his jejunum, moths fluttered in his duodenum, and ants were running riot in his oesophagus. > > b.) P. 13 – “Every passing minute resembles a passing century. If I were a poet I might be able to say something beautiful and romantic about the situation, something about the leaden winged moments or the sloth of the funereal seconds and all that jazz. But, alas, I am not a poet, I am only a highly nervous senior Lieutenant, pacing where many a better man has paced, sweating where many a better man has sweated, and wondering where many a better man has wondered.” > > c.) P. 29 –Outworld humanoids usually had names like Lyosthjorkk or Kramnthothuk. They were easily pronounceable to the compatriots of the lady or gentleman who bore them, because of biological differences in the physical appurtenances of the speech mechanism, which were prevalent on that particular world. They were not pronounceable as far as the average terrestrial humanoid was concerned. > > d.) P. 36 – Somebody has to land on Vorgal. Somebody…Somebody…SOMEBODY! It looked like being somebody called Brian Blake. > > Followed on P. 43 by – Somebody has got to land on Vorgal, somebody has got to find out what the Vorgalians were like. Somebody…Somebody…SOMEBODY. And now it wasn’t one “somebody”, and there were Brian Blake and Murphy O’Brand. > > e.) P. 66 “…We’ve mastered the environments of some very peculiar planets. We’ve overcome the difficulties on a very large number of very garish globes., and we’ve circumnavigated the enigmas which are prevalent upon a large number of odd orbs…” > > f.) P. 89 – For several seconds, Captain, officers, and crew reacclimatized themselves to the sensation of transition from subvidic drive to hyperspace Warp drive. From the normal, three-dimensional universe to the Warp, from the ordinary, everyday, material, comprehensible aspect of the universe to the incomprehensible, the metaphysical, the paranormal, the parapsychic, the bizarre, weird, fantastic, almost uncanny, incredible sensation of traveling through a dimension in which men had not been originally designed to exist. > > g.) P. 90 – The last of the tape ran over the sprocket. With a quick flash the auto-pilot cut off. There was a sudden surging sensation, a sea of blackness, an ocean of darkness, an infinitude of lightlessness, and then they were out of hyper-space. The grayness had turned to darkness, and the darkness was fading into the normal light of ordinary three-dimensional, time-space reality. > > 9.) The Last Astronaut as by Pel Torro (1969) > > a.) p. 17 – Keith Lewis, the big, flashy, astrogator imagined what the girls were going to be like when they reached planet four, in star system 256, in galaxy 701. > > b.) P. 22 – On the screen in front of him Alex Braid watched the receding Earth. It always made him think of a golf ball, a small brown, green, and blue golf ball, being driven down the fairway by a celestial golfer. > .……Isaac Jackson, down in the engine room, was not looking at the screen….If somebody had asked him to make a comment on the appearance of the earth, as planet and ship divorced one another, at savage speed, Jackson would have said: “The earth is plying away from the Leibnitz like a ball bearing flying away from a cracked ballrace.” > > 13.) More Fanthorpe: The Day the World Died (under the name John E. Muller) pp. 27-8 – “ The train rattled on and his mind threw up Captain Ogorski’s harsh, strident voice, “we will make you valuable … valuable… valuable.” On and on and on, it went. > , > … > The train rattled on, and over the noise of the wheels he heard Captain Ogorski saying “valuable … valuable… valuable… valuable… valuable… valuable… valuable… valuable…VALUABLE… VALUABLE… VALUABLE…” > > 14.) The Day the World Died p. 37: > What had happened? He asked himself. > Perhaps the rocket, the very rocket in which they had been going to send him up, had exploded during the fueling? > If he had been a vindictive man he would have enjoyed that thought. > He would have enjoyed the possibility that those who had been going to launch him into space had themselves been launched into eternity. > He enjoyed a certain amount of literature as well as music, and a line of Shakespeare, a line of Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” came into his mind, for the Immortal Bard is appreciated East of the Iron Curtain just as he is to the West. > “Now is the engineer caught in his own petard.” > “Now id the digger of pits fallen into his own trap.” > “Now is the setter of snares caught in his own noose.” > > 15.) The Day the World Ended p. 73 > The thing was about twenty yards away now; he peered through the gloom. It had a low, flat kind of head, like an ape…an ape! > An ape? AN APE??? > > 16.) The Day the World Ended p.117 > > An hour dragged past. It seemed like a century. Another hour dragged past and that seemed like twenty centuries…Every minute after that was an epoch, an aeon, an age. Every second was weighted with lead. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2018, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/62 "2018-03-14T23:25:28Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > Years ago I produced a file of Bad Science Fiction, with special emphasis on Fanthorpe. For those of you too lazy to click on my links above, I offer the following example of Really Bad Writing from Fanthorpe, under his many pseudonyms. I threw myself on this particular grenade, reading through as many of his works as I could get my hands on: I had never heard of Fanthorpe. Yet, after reading those samples, I still think I’d rather read his “work” instead of Terry Goodkind. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/63 "2018-03-15T00:23:28Z")
> [@GreenWyvern](#): > > The **Eye of Argon** has been briefly mentioned, but I can’t resist quoting the opening paragraphs. 😃 > > > [@](#): > > > > The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire. Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers. > > > > “Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian”, gasped the first soldier. > > > > “Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death, wretch!” returned Grignr. > > > > A sweeping blade of flashing steel riveted from the massive barbarians hide enameled shield as his rippling right arm thrust forth, sending a steel shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers vital organs. The disemboweled mercenary crumpled from his saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid. > > > > The enthused barbarian swilveled about, his shock of fiery red hair tossing robustly in the humid air currents as he faced the attack of the defeated soldier’s fellow in arms. > > > > “Damn you, barbarian” Shrieked the soldier as he observed his comrade in death. > > Full text [here](http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~susan/sf/eyeargon/eyeargon.htm) Have you read the [MST3K version](http://www.bmsc.washington.edu/people/merritt/books/Eye_of_Argon.html)? ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/64 "2018-03-15T03:45:21Z")
> [@DrumBum](#): > > My vote would be Atlas Shrugged. I would hope that Middle school students in the USA are no longer compelled to this suffer through this book. That book being required reading anywhere surprises me. First, it’s outright terrible. Not that readability is the prime determinant of what gets read in schools, but there’s a Mendoza Line in effect where, if it’s _too_ hard to slog through, it’s no longer adequate to the task of teaching whatever they want to use a book to teach. Second, the people responsible for instilling some form of philosophy in the students (who are often English teachers, in fact) would have two kinds of shit fit at assigning Rand: First, _she isn’t a philosopher_, according to many philosophers. They would literally rather go in-depth on the works of an enthusiastic Nazi than admit Rand had anything to add to the field. Second, even if you admit that her philosophies are philosophy, they’re simplistic philosophies which aren’t worth the trouble. So you have a book which is difficult to read, but at least it imparts a philosophy which manages to be both morally repugnant and rather idiotic. As an added bonus, if the students mention it at the college level, their professors will have to fight down the urge to shout them out of the room and warmly invite them to never return. It is truly a formidable triple (quadruple?) threat. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/65 "2018-03-15T03:55:45Z")
Didn’t Paul Ryan assign it as required reading to his staff when he got the Speaker’s gavel, or something? That said, ETA: > [@Derleth](#): > > Second, the people responsible for instilling some form of philosophy in the students (who are often English teachers, in fact) would have two kinds of shit fit at assigning Rand: First, _she isn’t a philosopher_, according to many philosophers. And she isn’t a writer, according to many writers… ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2018, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/66 "2018-03-18T02:12:06Z")
Grey or blue, I know not which. Her eyes were there. Like a shaved seal. On a beach. ---
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2018, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/67 "2018-03-18T07:36:45Z")
> [@NDP](#): > > Before you do that, why not take a shot at rewriting the wretched-example of a sentence that the OP posted. > > Keep the meaning of the sentence but change it so it flows better and the awkward adjectives are jettisoned. > > This suggestion is not just limited to **ivylass**. I’m inviting any Doper who thinks he or she can improve Ros’ sentence. \*\*I. \*\*She had the eyes, he momentarily thought, of a goddess. Which goddess had grey eyes? Athena? His mother would have called them “blue,” but they were that dull blue that some people call “grey” in eyes. She’d plucked her brows to surprisingly elegant effect, quite a work of artistry for something so prosaic as eyebrows. Her lashes were surprisingly long, and–not black, what would you call that? Brown? Grey? Seal, he decided. That’s a color, right? Or is that only on Siamese cats? Well, and seals, probably. _Wait, what was she saying? Crap, I was distracted by her eyes._ “I’m sorry?” he mumbled. \*\*II. \*\*Her eyes seemed like those of a goddess: grey-blue irises, behind long seal-brown lashes, under ever-so-subtly arched brows. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2018, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/68 "2018-03-18T11:13:31Z")
> [@GreenWyvern](#): > > The **Eye of Argon** has been briefly mentioned, but I can’t resist quoting the opening paragraphs. 😃 In Theis’ defense, he was sixteen when he wrote it but he did not take being mocked about it well. It was read at [cons](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Eye_of_Argon#At_SF_Conventions) before the 90s but in the “party game” mode mentioned in the link, not as a charity event; that would seem to be a later development. It would generally be after midnight well into the con so everyone would be a bit rocky. A circle, rather like a filk circle would be formed and readers would go until they broke up or at most, a page or so. As the link says, getting through 3/4 of a page was considered an accomplishment; I have seen people fail to get even one word out. Several volunteers of the Not Even Close to Ready for Primetime Players would act out the scene being described. This would reveal such high points as when he clasps the Plucky Gal Sidekick to his left side, she gets burned by the apparently forgotten torch he was holding, his right hand being occupied with a sword. I try to jocky my position in the circle so I can read the opening paragraph for chapter 4.All knowledge of measuring time had escaped Grignr. When a person is deprived of the sun, moon, and stars, he looses all conception of time as he had previously understood it. It seemed as if years had passed if time were being measured by terms of misery and mental anguish, yet he estimated that his stay had only been a few days in length. He has slept three times and had been fed five times since his awakening in the crypt. However, when the actions of the body are restricted its needs are also affected. The need for nourishmnet and slumber are directly proportional to the functions the body has performed, meaning that when free and active Grignr may become hungry every six hours and witness the desire for sleep every fifteen hours, whereas in his present condition he may encounter the need for food every ten hours, and the want for rest every twenty hours. All methods he had before depended upon were extinct in the dismal pit. Hence, he may have been imprisoned for ten minutes or ten years, he did not know, resulting in a disheartened emotion deep within his being. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2018, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/69 "2018-03-18T18:56:48Z")
Pfffft. 😃 These are merely the worst **published** novelists. This is only the tip of the… seal’s eyelashes. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Apocalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Apocalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apocalypso)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2018, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/70 "2018-03-18T19:01:25Z")
I thankfully have not read, or even heard of, most of the writers mentioned here. But I started to read very young, and I picked up and read anything that seemed interesting. Then in my mid 20’s I went back and dug up some of my old books and was appalled at how bad they were. Here’s my canidates: **Dean Koontz** - when Intensity came out I had most of his books (around 40-50). Then I realized they were all formulatic drivel. Sure the bad guy(s) all had unique abilities and problems, which made them kill people in creative ways, but the protangonist was always some ex-special forces guy who fell in love with a shy wallflower girl, and reluctantly battled the supervillain. And got the shit beat out of him, only to be saved by his wallflower girl, who’d burst out of her shell. He then took out the supervillain. Sure, there was the occasional exception, like the supergirl in Intensity, but this was 95% of his stories. **Forgotten Realms** - These started coming out mid 80’s, I think. Different authors writing about the same fantasy realm. Each author took a different area and made their own characters, with a few common chars, like a “Gandalf” (I forget the chars name), who was created by the person that started the Forgotten Realms - Ed Greenwood. I remember quite liking some of the authors in my teens, but when I went back a little older, it was mostly garbage. If I could pick one author who was particularily bad, I’d go with Greenwood. R.A. Salvatore was pretty shitty too, his motley gang included a dwarf that adopted a human barbarian, a Dark Elf who abandoned his evil race, the equivalent of a hobbit, etc. Guilty of constantly of putting all the main characters through the “I’m back, I didn’t really die!” formula. “Yes, it seemed like I got killed by the dragon, but I fell off the cliff and didn’t really die!”. Next book, a different main character: “Yes, I was buried by a landslide, but I found a hole to hide in, and I didn’t really die!”. Rinse and repeat… ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2018, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/71 "2018-03-18T19:16:11Z")
> [@Apocalypso](#): > > **Dean Koontz** - when Intensity came out I had most of his books (around 40-50). Then I realized they were all formulatic drivel. Sure the bad guy(s) all had unique abilities and problems, which made them kill people in creative ways, but the protangonist was always some ex-special forces guy who fell in love with a shy wallflower girl, and reluctantly battled the supervillain. And got the shit beat out of him, only to be saved by his wallflower girl, who’d burst out of her shell. He then took out the supervillain. Sure, there was the occasional exception, like the supergirl in Intensity, but this was 95% of his stories. And there’s always a dog, usually a golden retriever. I stopped reading him when I realized his titles weren’t sticking with me because the plots were all the same. I don’t have that problem with Stephen King. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2018, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/72 "2018-03-18T19:45:38Z")
The fact that these are all published says something about the readers - especially in the cases where the author has published a lot of books that are mostly of similar quality. But it also reminds me that having some pointless (but engaging enough at the time) drivel to read is sometimes a good thing. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2018, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/73 "2018-03-19T05:37:37Z")
Morrissey’s debut novel came out a couple of years ago and won the award for Bad Sex in Fiction for this, uh, gem: > [@](#): > > At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone. ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2018, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/74 "2018-03-19T20:07:39Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > L Ron Hubbard’s\* Mission Earth\* dekalogy ispretty fucking terrible, unless you’re on meth. To be fair to Mr Hubbard though, in his mind this was a documentary, not fiction. I must be weird. I consider _Mission Earth_ to be one of the greatest action/ adventure pulp novels I’ve ever read. Although the last volume was a little strange. I personally consider Lin Carter to be the worst writer ever. How he ever got any books published is a mystery. ---
**Author:** ![Exapno\_Mapcase](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/exapno_mapcase/32/1051_2.png) [@Exapno\_Mapcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exapno_Mapcase)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2018, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/75 "2018-03-19T21:14:56Z")
> [@furryman](#): > > I must be weird. I consider _Mission Earth_ to be one of the greatest action/ adventure pulp novels I’ve ever read. Although the last volume was a little strange. I put M_ission Earth_ in the same category as _Fifty Shades of Gray_. I picked them up in a bookstore, read a page, began giggling hysterically, and never touched them again. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2018, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/76 "2018-03-19T22:00:39Z")
> [@furryman](#): > > I must be weird. I consider _Mission Earth_ to be one of the greatest action/ adventure pulp novels I’ve ever read. Although the last volume was a little strange. > I personally consider Lin Carter to be the worst writer ever. How he ever got any books published is a mystery. I just finished reading Lin Garter’s _Tower of Medusa_, which would seem to justify your assessment. It reads like a contractual obligation book into which he was determined to stuff every space opera cliché he could. That said, I think that Carter really could write when he wanted to. His Robert E. Howard and Lovecraft pastiches aren’t bad. I do recommend his non-fiction books on Tolkien and Lovecraft. Plus, the guy gets a lot of credit for resurrecting a lot of old and mostly forgotten fantasy when he was Adult Fantasy editor for Ballantine Books. But, still, some of his stuff is the Pits. But, Og knows, he’s no Fanthorpe. Or Don Pendleton. ---
**Author:** ![NDP](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ndp/32/55_2.png) [@NDP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NDP)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2018, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/77 "2018-03-19T23:09:50Z")
I might as well try rewriting it myself. > [@Amanda McKittrick Ros](#): > > _Her superbly-formed eyes of grey-blue, with lightly-arched eyebrows and long lashes of that brownish tint, which only the lightly-tinted skin of an Arctic seal exhibits, looked divine._ He noticed she had grey-blue eyes with long brownish lashes and lightly-arched eyebrows. ---
**Author:** ![Fallen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@Fallen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fallen)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2018, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/78 "2018-03-20T07:01:40Z")
> [@Yorkshire\_Pudding](#): > > Good lord. I’ve never read that deconstruction before. Now, I’m no stranger to rolling my eyes and muttering obscenities while reading Dan Brown, although I didn’t mind The Da Vinci Code especially, but that…?! Hell’s teeth, I’ve seldom read anything so utterly impressed with itself. I really want to re-read The Da Vinci Code again now, and enjoy it, just out of spite. Jaysus, I needed that laugh. Thank you, YP (don’t suppose I may call you Puddin’, so I won’t ask). ---
**Author:** ![Fallen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@Fallen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fallen)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2018, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/79 "2018-03-20T07:05:38Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Sorry everyone, but the worst novelist ever was my father. Not that he was published, but I got his manuscripts when he died. He would start with an excellent central point and then destroy it with terrible characterization, plodding pacing, high-school essay prose, and cardboard subplots. > > One of his efforts had a female protagonist. My wife read the first chapter and said, “Honestly, I am offended by this.” > > To be honest, though, if I had ever tried to write a novel, I would have been worse. Dear Kuni (taking liberty), how do you know for a fact you’d do worse? ---
**Author:** ![Fallen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@Fallen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fallen)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2018, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493/80 "2018-03-20T07:45:40Z")
Definitely, Mr. Sullivan. At least during the period Mar 2017 to present. I had come to visit and searched “Beneath A Scarlet Sky” in particular, hoping to find solace in a snarky discussion on the topic of this Amazon algorithm-propelled abomination (possibly promoted by bots to boot) that is so far beyond appalling and dangerous that Mr. Brown’s “The DaVinci Code” may, by comparison, be considered narrative nonfiction. I can’t seem to justify a refusal to be the face (so to speak) of the resistance or conscientious objectors to Beneath ASS. The undiscerning and vulnerable target audience has a right to be defended from this delusional (I hope!) schmuck. They’re hardly in a position to defend themselves, because Sullivan has assured them that the novel is “85-90 percent true”. (Prior claim in early interview: “Sullivan estimates 90 percent of the story is real.”) > **[Bozeman writer captures story of young Italian hero in World War II](https://www.bozemandailychronicle.com/news/bozeman-writer-captures-story-of-young-italian-hero-in-world/article_b8a25102-1ba7-5105-a57e-dcefe79b5e8d.html)** > > Bozeman author Mark Sullivan had reached the lowest point in his life the night he first heard the story of a 17-year-old Italian boy in World War II, who risked No, it doesn’t matter that it’s published as historical fiction. Trust me on that. Truth needles-nuggets in the Preface are surrounded by falsities, falsehoods and other claims presented as scrupulous disclosures. Sullivan has an preventative answer for just about everything, and he knows damn well most people will skip the Preface (never mind the Front Matter section disclaimer). Anyone willing to join the resistance should report to the book’s page on GoodReads as soon as time and traffic allow. The infection will grow worse before certain despicable vultures decide it’s time to jump in and capitalize-monetize it by (re)creating the inevitable Frey-like “Million Little Pieces (of Dreck)” moment, presumably sans Oprah public spank-and-scold session. Before I hit “submit”, it’s worth pointing out that this novel misuses and abuses: the entire Jewish community and the Shoah/Holocaust; a now almost-92 year old protagonist (unless-until I find out he knew exactly what Sullivan intended to do and, if so, he’s awful too); and, among others, a (miscast by author as villain) long-dead German career army general. Please live up to the motto of this place. I’m not too proud to beg. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-worst-novelist-ever/810493.md?page=5)