# There is evil in my backyard. It's in a cooler.
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [April 16, 2003, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132 "2003-04-16T18:19:21Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)
#### Post date: [April 16, 2003, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/41 "2003-04-16T22:56:25Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by GMRyujin \*
> \*\*The eldritch horror within the cooler shall awaken and destroy us all! Doom! DOOM! \*\*
**Cooler fhtagn! Cooler fhtagn! Ia!**
Ow. Stop with the hitting. š
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### Author:  [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)
#### Post date: [April 16, 2003, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/42 "2003-04-16T23:54:39Z")
Just _leave_ the dammed thingāon the front doorstep of somebody you donāt like. Ring the doorbell. Run.
Big laffs ensue.
PSādo not leave your calling card on this visit, unless you are a moron.
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### Author:  [@T.Slothrop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/T.Slothrop)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/43 "2003-04-17T00:40:02Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Ok, hereās the plan. Not Listening Husband (NLH) has class tonight, and Iām not opening The Cooler That Grows Evil (TCTGE) without a witness. Depending on when NLH gets home, I might have him release it - I mean, open it - tonight. Iāll try to get pictures of it if it is able to be photographed.
So, what are the three priests gonna be doing ?
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### Author:  [@Quantum\_Butterfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quantum_Butterfly)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/44 "2003-04-17T01:01:06Z")
Wowā¦ :eek: Leaving nasty things in the cooler sounds like something my dad would do. However, my mom would a) nag him until he cleans it or b) if nagging hasnāt worked by the end of the week, clean it herself and give him grief for making her do so. š She says that after having kids and the resultant dirty diapers, messes no longer have the power to scare her.
If I were you, Iād have a bottle of holy water standing by when NLH opens the Cooler Of Doomā¦ just in case. A gun wouldnāt hurt either.
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### Author:  [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/45 "2003-04-17T02:16:06Z")
Have you considered that maybe itās not full of evil? Maybe itās full ofā¦the Wrath of God.
Whe you open it your face melts off and your head explodes, and any Nazis in the area are incinerated.
The Igloo of the Covenant. āDonāt look at it, Marian! Keep your eyes shut!ā
š
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### Author:  [@Greywolf73](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greywolf73)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/46 "2003-04-17T02:43:43Z")
Never mind the dog. Are CATS scared of it?
If soā¦I recommend renting \*Alien, Aliens and Aliens 3 \* and study them closely (take notes) before opening the Cooler of Doom.
Better yet, find Sigourney Weaver, if possible, and make _her_ open it.
With a blowtorch.
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### Author:  [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/47 "2003-04-17T02:44:05Z")
Iām surprised this thread has gotten this far with no Dirk Gently references. Remember the thing in the refrigerator waiting to be born?
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### Author:  [@cadolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cadolphin)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/48 "2003-04-17T03:24:03Z")
My most sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved cooler.
I agree with everything thatās been said, but may I suggest that the appropriate consequnce for **NLH** it to use _ONLY_ **TCTGE** from henceforth and forever.
Three priests along with all the other protective items sounds good, but Iām not sure Iād stop there. Iām thinking I might have to go with covering all my basisā¦ as in inviting Four priests, Three Pastors, Two Rabbis and all the protective items but thatās just me. Iām a fraidy cat.
I wonāt even watch horror movies since I have nightmares forever after.
I, too, will be watching for the results. Until then, I think Iāll make sure I leave my windows closed and the doors locked since I also live on the same continent.
My email is available if you need anything. Best of luck!
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### Author:  [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/49 "2003-04-17T03:29:17Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by vunderbob \*
> \*\*Iām surprised this thread has gotten this far with no Dirk Gently references. Remember the thing in the refrigerator waiting to be born? \*\*
The God of Guilt! I was hoping to get the reference in myself, but ya beat me to it.
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### Author:  [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/50 "2003-04-17T03:30:30Z")
Oh yeah, āBad husband! No nookie for you!ā
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### Author:  [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/51 "2003-04-17T05:21:50Z")
Call Geraldo and tell him tās John Dillingerās beer cooler. Heāll open it himself _and_ bring the cameras.
And if it turns out you need a sacrifice, well, there you go.
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### Author:  [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/52 "2003-04-17T05:27:42Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by cadolphin \*
> \*\* as in inviting Four priests, Three Pastors, Two Rabbis and all the protective items but thatās just me. \*\*
And a partrage in a pear treeā¦
Maybe the thing in the cooler will eat the partrage, giving you and the priests time to get away.
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### Author:  [@Hometownboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hometownboy)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/53 "2003-04-17T05:46:49Z")
Iām surprised no one has mentioned an essential ingredient of protection. You need the Lone Ranger or a reasonable substitute. You know what his bullets were made ofā¦
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### Author:  [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/54 "2003-04-17T06:47:27Z")
As the cooler is opened, tryā¦
The power of Cecil compels you!
The power of Cecil compels you!
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### Author:  [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/55 "2003-04-17T08:00:19Z")
Remember this. This is very important. As you open the cooler, you must say, ā_Klaatu veratta nicto_!ā
Repeat the words back to me.
Again.
Once more.
Donāt forget.
Itās very important.
yes, I know itās probably spelled wrongā¦
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### Author:  [@smam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smam)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/56 "2003-04-17T11:24:45Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Tuckerfan \*
> \*\*Oh yeah, āBad husband! No nookie for you!ā \*\*
Dont do that , you dont want to force him to go looking for it in the (skillful) multiple arms that inhabit the cooler.
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### Author:  [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/57 "2003-04-17T11:30:33Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by cadolphin \*
> \*\*ā¦Four priests, Three Pastors, Two Rabbis and ā¦ a fraidy cat.
> \*\*
_One the last day of summer, my husand brought to meā¦_
Cāmon, would someone finish this? I only have decaf right now. (Thank you **Weirddave**
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### Author:  [@Woeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Woeg)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 11:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/58 "2003-04-17T11:45:15Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Baker \*
> \*\*Remember the film _Catās Eye_, a collection of Stephen King short stories? Donāt remember the title of the one short, but it had Hal Holbrook and Adrienned Barbeau. Holbrook was a professor. At the university he taught at some janitors uncovered a long lost box shoved under a stairway for over a hundred years. It was bound with massive chains and locks, and a warning about what was inside that was partially obscured I think. So what do the idiots do? They unbind the box and one guy reaches inside. 'Course he promptly gets pulled the rest of the way inside the box and eaten.
>
> If I were you I wouldnāt open the cooler. \*\*
That was Creepshow, actually. Another collection of Stephen King storiesā¦
Speaking of whom, maybe you should invite King along with the priests, so you can have proper documentation of the event!
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### Author:  [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/59 "2003-04-17T12:55:52Z")
Am I the only one thinking of the ending to _Raiders of the Lost Ark_?
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### Author:  [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2003, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/60 "2003-04-17T12:58:52Z")
> [@](#):
>
> _Originally posted by MineFujiko_
> **Cooler fhtagn! Cooler fhtagn! Ia!**
Best. Lovecraft. Joke. Ever.
Iāve never really believed it when posters claim to have sprayed their beverage of choice all over the screen and keyboard. Until now. (wipes screen)
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