# There is evil in my backyard. It's in a cooler.
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [April 16, 2003, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132 "2003-04-16T18:19:21Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 8
### Author:  [@Declan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declan)
#### Post date: [April 18, 2003, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/141 "2003-04-18T20:19:56Z")
They opened the cooler of evil
some things were never meant to be seen by man ever again
WE are doomed , doomed , doomed
Declan
---
### Author:  [@Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wintermute)
#### Post date: [April 18, 2003, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/142 "2003-04-18T20:25:51Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Happy Lendervedder \*
> \*\*Zoinks! \*\*
Ruh roh!
---
### Author:  [@Fingolfin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fingolfin)
#### Post date: [April 18, 2003, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/143 "2003-04-18T20:50:09Z")
LOL!
One of the all-time great threads! Right here.
š
---
### Author:  [@lilbtagna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lilbtagna)
#### Post date: [April 19, 2003, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/144 "2003-04-19T17:15:56Z")
Did anyone else notice that after this thread made **Threadspotting** , SDMB went down?
**Cooler of Death** , have mercy!!!
---
### Author:  [@Kezermezer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kezermezer)
#### Post date: [April 19, 2003, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/145 "2003-04-19T20:01:28Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by peri \*
> \*\*Did you eat the crackers? \*\*
Are you kidding? Those things are wrapped air-tight in plastic.
Theyāre perfectly good.
Perrrrfectly good.
Eat the crackers.
Eeeeat the crackersā¦
---
### Author:  [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)
#### Post date: [April 19, 2003, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/146 "2003-04-19T20:07:32Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by lilbtagna \*
> \*\*Did anyone else notice that after this thread made **Threadspotting** , SDMB went down?
>
> **Cooler of Death** , have mercy!!! \*\*
Um, Iām afraid that would be my fault. I nominated it for Threadspotting.
See, once I understood the Coolerās ultimate plan for humanity, everything was made clear.
It was necessary for the SDMB to go dark for a whileā¦just so some minor changes and improvements could be made.
Nothing to fearā¦you will understand all very soon.
Very soon.
Very _very_ soon.
---
### Author:  [@Fingolfin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fingolfin)
#### Post date: [April 19, 2003, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/147 "2003-04-19T20:14:02Z")
So what happened to the fish that was in there? There clearly was a fish in there at one time. The reason your husband avoided cleaning the cooler out all that time was because it contained a fish. A big, nasty, moldy, smelly ass fish!
The cooler was sealed tight. The dog coulndāt open it. No one else in your family opened it, until now.
So, I ask again. **What happened to the fish!!**
Iām telling ya. **The Fish** is out there somewhere! Lurking! Waiting! Seeking!
:shudder:
---
### Author:  [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)
#### Post date: [April 19, 2003, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/148 "2003-04-19T20:40:43Z")
I had a husband that left me, and left behind a cooler of deathā¦
He did ren fest. He met a girl at ren fest. Turns out she was his soul mate (tough for me, huh?). So shortly after the run, he packs his bags and leaves.
Next summer I discoverā¦the Coolerā¦he took all his stuff, took the stereo, the computer, his toys, his books, all his festival goodies (costume, tent) - but he didnāt take - or bother to clean out - the cooler.
It sloshed - but not with a fully liquid liquid. More with the semi solidness of a tub of cottage cheese.
Here I am, broke. Really broke as in āmy husband walked out the door and I have $12 left a month after bills.ā And Iām thinking āI might need this cooler, I canāt buy a new oneā¦Can I really afford to throw it out? Maybe a little bleach - ok, maybe a lot of bleach and good as new.ā
I open it.
Do you have any idea how big bagels get when theyāve been sitting in water for five months? The milk was in a solid state (I now know how they make cheese) and the cheese was more black than green. Bad grapes. A smell that floated through the neighborhood for about twenty minutes.
I immediately shut it back up. Tugged it over by the trash, and hung a ātrash - please takeā sign.
It disappeared before trash day. Someone was more desperate than I was for a cooler. But it wasnāt one of my near neighbors, as the smell didnāt reoccur.
(I seem to have that sort of luck with men, my now and hopefully forever husband brought with him āthe food shelf.ā Which was a box of odd foodstuff (sauerkraut juice, kim chee, soy moo, etc) that he and his friends had collected for years - far past the expiration date. I wouldnāt let him bring it into the house, so it went into the garage in the spot of honor where the cooler of death had resided. When we sold the house, he threw it out. Two years ago, his brother sent him a can of Spotted Dick (Heinz brand), which is sitting on the shelf above his computer. You donāt change men by marrying them, you know).
---
### Author:  [@Declan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declan)
#### Post date: [April 19, 2003, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/149 "2003-04-19T21:02:46Z")
Oh the humanity
Declan
---
### Author:  [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/150 "2003-04-20T02:36:17Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Dangerosa \*
> \*\*I had a husband that left me, and left behind a cooler of deathā¦
>
> He did ren fest. He met a girl at ren fest. Turns out she was his soul mate (tough for me, huh?). So shortly after the run, he packs his bags and leaves.
>
> Next summer I discoverā¦the Coolerā¦he took all his stuff, took the stereo, the computer, his toys, his books, all his festival goodies (costume, tent) - but he didnāt take - or bother to clean out - the cooler.
>
> It sloshed - but not with a fully liquid liquid. More with the semi solidness of a tub of cottage cheese.
>
> Here I am, broke. Really broke as in āmy husband walked out the door and I have $12 left a month after bills.ā And Iām thinking āI might need this cooler, I canāt buy a new oneā¦Can I really afford to throw it out? Maybe a little bleach - ok, maybe a lot of bleach and good as new.ā
>
> I open it.
>
> Do you have any idea how big bagels get when theyāve been sitting in water for five months? The milk was in a solid state (I now know how they make cheese) and the cheese was more black than green. Bad grapes. A smell that floated through the neighborhood for about twenty minutes.
>
> I immediately shut it back up. Tugged it over by the trash, and hung a ātrash - please takeā sign.
>
> It disappeared before trash day. Someone was more desperate than I was for a cooler. But it wasnāt one of my near neighbors, as the smell didnāt reoccur.
>
> (I seem to have that sort of luck with men, my now and hopefully forever husband brought with him āthe food shelf.ā Which was a box of odd foodstuff (sauerkraut juice, kim chee, soy moo, etc) that he and his friends had collected for years - far past the expiration date. I wouldnāt let him bring it into the house, so it went into the garage in the spot of honor where the cooler of death had resided. When we sold the house, he threw it out. Two years ago, his brother sent him a can of Spotted Dick (Heinz brand), which is sitting on the shelf above his computer. You donāt change men by marrying them, you know). \*\*
Good God, **Dangerosa,** thatās the most horrifying thing Iāve ever read.
Dumped for a Renfest girl.
I hope his leather mug rots.
---
### Author:  [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/151 "2003-04-20T02:48:02Z")
Gang, we need to start casting the Movie Version of the **Cooler of Death** right away. Using other board members, of course.
I get to play the **Mysterious Stranger** who gives the ominous warning to never open the cooler.
**Velma** has a lock on the role of the **Heroine who is terrified at first but then learns to kick butt.**
So we still have to cast the following roles:
**Drunk Good Old Boy** who jest donāt believe in no superstious nonsense. He opens the cooler. Gets et.
**Horny Young Couple** getting it on nearby when the cooler is opened. They get eaten.
**Scientist** who believes the evil inside should be studied, not destroyed.
**Guvmint Sp00k** who wants to use it for a weapon.
**A Cop on the Edge.** Cast somebody who doesnāt always play by the rules.
**His Partner.** We need somebody two weeks from retirement.
**The Terrible Actress Whoās There Just Because Sheās Hot.**
**Comic Relief**
**Dancer at Club** because it appears that police work always takes investigators to a club.
---
### Author:  [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/152 "2003-04-20T03:11:06Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Satisfying Andy Licious \*
> **Gang, we need to start casting the Movie Version of the Cooler of Death right away. Using other board members, of course.
> I get to play the Mysterious Stranger who gives the ominous warning to never open the cooler.
> Velma has a lock on the role of the Heroine who is terrified at first but then learns to kick butt.
> So we still have to cast the following roles:**
Let me take a shot at this:
**Drunk Good Old Boy** who jest donāt believe in no superstious nonsense. He opens the cooler. Gets et.
**aha**
**Horny Young Couple** getting it on nearby when the cooler is opened. They get eaten.
This would be **iampunha** and his sweetie **fizzestothetop**
**Scientist** who believes the evil inside should be studied, not destroyed.
**Chronos**
**Guvmint Sp00k** who wants to use it for a weapon.
**Czarcasm**?
**A Cop on the Edge.** Cast somebody who doesnāt always play by the rules.
Has to be **manhattan**
**His Partner.** We need somebody two weeks from retirement.
**Polycarp**
**The Terrible Actress Whoās There Just Because Sheās Hot.**
This feels like damning with faint praiseā¦ **Persephone**
**Comic Relief**
**SPOOFE**
**Dancer at Club** because it appears that police work always takes investigators to a club.
Me! Pick me!
---
### Author:  [@LorieSmurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LorieSmurf)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/153 "2003-04-20T03:48:25Z")
Can I be the wacky neighbor?
---
### Author:  [@Greywolf73](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greywolf73)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/154 "2003-04-20T03:54:42Z")
I didnāt even get a chance to auditon! Darn!
Hey, can I just cast myself as the beautiful, brilliant, skeptical yet intrigued FBI agent who is sent to investigate the Cooler of Death and narrowly escapes being eaten alive yet still remains skeptical until the end of the movie?
---
### Author:  [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/155 "2003-04-20T04:47:17Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Satisfying Andy Licious \*
> **Gang, we need to start casting the Movie Version of the Cooler of Death right away. Using other board members, of course.
> I get to play the Mysterious Stranger who gives the ominous warning to never open the cooler**[ā¦]
Hey, you forgot the **Icy Female Scientist Whose Formidable Intellect Does Not Clue Her In To The Fact That She Would Be A Lot Happier If She Just Found Herself A Man And Settled Down**!
Sorry about the monitor, **BrotherCadfael.** š
---
### Author:  [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/156 "2003-04-20T04:57:15Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by MineFujiko \*
> \*\*Hey, you forgot the **Icy Female Scientist Whose Formidable Intellect Does Not Clue Her In To The Fact That She Would Be A Lot Happier If She Just Found Herself A Man And Settled Down**!
>
> Sorry about the monitor, **BrotherCadfael.** š \*\*
Erm, of course this is not a very _flattering_ role to play. Ten thousand :wally 's upside my own head. I was thinking about stereotypical B movie characters and forgot about the whole āuse the board members for the castā thing. Sorry.
---
### Author:  [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/157 "2003-04-20T05:58:17Z")
Can I be the crazed follower that feels the cooler is a holy symbol? Maybe I can get eaten by the horror within in the final act.
Doom is in the cooler! DOOM!
---
### Author:  [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/158 "2003-04-20T06:06:18Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Zyada \*
> \*\*Let me take a shot at this:
> \*\ ***Comic Relief**
> **SPOOFE**
**2nd Comic Relief**
Michael Ellis
---
### Author:  [@hyperjes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hyperjes)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/159 "2003-04-20T06:08:52Z")
I would like to volunteer to play the part of **The Evil.** I could make a lovely, gray, blobular costume. Also, I can make truly horrific demon noises. Puh-leezeā¦ I wanna be **The Evil**! š
---
### Author:  [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/160 "2003-04-20T06:14:44Z")
Can I be the new-age supernatural/psychic type whom everyone thinks is nuts but who ends up saving the day because I just happen to have in my library the dusty old tome containing the proper rituals and incantations needed to send the Evil Within The Cooler back to the moldy depths of Hell from whence it came?
I have my own crystals. Please?
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