# There is evil in my backyard. It's in a cooler.
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [April 16, 2003, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132 "2003-04-16T18:19:21Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 9
### Author:  [@OwenKL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OwenKL)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/161 "2003-04-20T13:05:15Z")
Reminds me of the summer camp I went to as a little kid in Oregon. There was a pond there where we’d catch tadpoles and salamanders, and it was on the coast where we could swim in the ocean and find all sorts of things washed up on the beach. I got home after three weeks there, dropped my sleeping bag and other stuff in the front hall, and rushed back out to play with my friends, leaving my mother to toss my camp clothes in the wash and otherwise unpack. Later, I came home to find her in a state of shock. She’d opened my mess kit, one of those camping ones with two metal bowls clamped together, getting ready to wash it. And let out all my hard-caught pet salamanders! About 15 of the little lizardy-looking amphibians had crawled all over her while she’d been sitting on the edge of her bed by the laundry hamper, reportedly screaming her head off.
She was afraid to sleep in that bed for weeks. And I was mad at her for letting my pets go free for almost as long.
I still saw an occasional one of my pets in the grass on our lawn for the rest of that summer. But my Dad wouldn’t let me try to catch any of them back.
☹
~Owen
---
### Author:  [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/162 "2003-04-20T13:41:08Z")
Of course, those were only suggestions. Feel free to audition for any role you might like.
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### Author:  [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/163 "2003-04-20T15:36:53Z")
I want to be doomsayer!
“The Evil in the Cooler is out! Three more days till Hell freezes over!”
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### Author:  [@Declan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declan)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/164 "2003-04-20T15:41:15Z")
We are all gonna die horrible deaths
We’re doomed
Declan
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### Author:  [@Shaggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shaggy)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/165 "2003-04-20T15:48:48Z")
I feel the NLH needs to be represented:D
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### Author:  [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/166 "2003-04-20T17:52:27Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by hyperjes \*
> \*\*I would like to volunteer to play the part of **The Evil.** I could make a lovely, gray, blobular costume. Also, I can make truly horrific demon noises. Puh-leeze… I wanna be **The Evil**! 😃 \*\*
**Evil never says please.**
---
### Author:  [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/167 "2003-04-20T17:57:53Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by SuperLorie \*
> \*\*Can I be the wacky neighbor? \*\*
First, answer some questions:
How good are your double-takes?
Do you mind being fired from a catapult?
What sort of comic business would you perform while bursting into flame?
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### Author:  [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/168 "2003-04-20T17:59:12Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by LostCause \*
> \*\*I want to be doomsayer!
>
> “The Evil in the Cooler is out! Three more days till Hell freezes over!” \*\*
You’d have a lock on it, L.C., except for your name.
---
### Author:  [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/169 "2003-04-20T18:00:49Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Greywolf73 \*
> \*\*I didn’t even get a chance to auditon! Darn!
>
> Hey, can I just cast myself as the beautiful, brilliant, skeptical yet intrigued FBI agent who is sent to investigate the Cooler of Death and narrowly escapes being eaten alive yet still remains skeptical until the end of the movie? \*\*
Maybe. But I’m kind of skeptical.
---
### Author:  [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/170 "2003-04-20T18:06:57Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Marlitharn \*
> **Can I be the new-age supernatural/psychic type whom everyone thinks is nuts but who ends up saving the day because I just happen to have in my library the dusty old tome containing the proper rituals and incantations needed to send the Evil Within The Cooler back to the moldy depths of Hell from whence it came?**
Could be, Marlitharn, but we haven’t found out if this is a science-fictiony type of Evil or a magicky type of Evil. So you might wind up being the supernatural psychic who tries The Wrong Solution.
Your chance for the role also depends on your feelings toward having your skull explode.
> [@](#):
>
> \*\*I have my own crystals. Please? \*\*
We’ve replaced Marlitharn’s crystals with Folger’s coffee crystals. Lets see what the Evil does.
We also have two other roles to cast.
**Dolly grip.** Gets to hold the sheep.
**The Guy in the Rubber** (suit.)
---
### Author:  [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/171 "2003-04-20T18:12:29Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Zyada \*
> \*\*Let me take a shot at this:
>
> **Dancer at Club** because it appears that police work always takes investigators to a club.
> Me! Pick me! \*\*
Very good nominations, **Zyada.** We’ll keep them in mind.
Now, as for being the **Dancer at Club,** answer a few questons.
Do you have any experience Pole dancing?
Do you have any experience Swede dancing?
Could you step into the trailer for an, umm, audition?
---
### Author:  [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/172 "2003-04-20T19:29:08Z")
> [@](#):
>
> The Terrible Actress Who’s There Just Because She’s Hot.
I am SO okay with this. Do I get to heave my bosoms, too? And scream? 😃
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### Author:  [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/173 "2003-04-20T21:51:34Z")
Don’t we need a Perky Cub Reporter who Keeps Hearing Strange Reports of Lights in the Sky and Strange Noises in the Woods but Keeps Getting the Run-Around from the Law?
> [@](#):
>
> Hey, can I just cast myself as the beautiful, brilliant, skeptical yet intrigued FBI agent who is sent to investigate the Cooler of Death and narrowly escapes being eaten alive yet still remains skeptical until the end of the movie?
Skeptical? I think that’s been filled already by **King Nifty**.
---
### Author:  [@Tony\_Montana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tony_Montana)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2003, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/174 "2003-04-20T23:42:36Z")
This could be the feel good movie of the summer!
It has **Oscar** written all over it!
“Two thumbs up”
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### Author:  [@Quantum\_Butterfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quantum_Butterfly)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2003, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/175 "2003-04-21T00:01:07Z")
Ooh! How about the Beautiful, Brainy yet Absent-Minded Lab Assistant Who Gets Eaten, Allowing The Scientist To Barely Escape With His/Her Life?
I can do brainy and absent-minded really well. And I’m a natural blonde!
Umm… the eaten part will just be special effects, riiiiight?
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2003, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/176 "2003-04-21T00:29:09Z")
Can I be the crazed lady in the diner who grabs **Velma** by the collar and screams, “_You_ brought it–you brought the cooler! You’re _evil!_”
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### Author:  [@JonScribe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JonScribe)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2003, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/177 "2003-04-21T01:28:00Z")
People, people! I think we’re forgetting something here, something crucial:
Product placement!
Let’s see if we can get Coleman and Thermos into a bidding war.
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### Author:  [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2003, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/178 "2003-04-21T02:31:44Z")
Velma -
Have you noticed that the ground is sinking, slowly, where you poured the contents? And strange vapors are issuing from both the ground and your dog’s hindquarters?
It’s…alive, I tell you!!! It’s alive!!!
:o
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### Author:  [@rjk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjk)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2003, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/179 "2003-04-21T02:56:50Z")
Can I be the **Grouchy Cynical Neighbour** who starts out saying “Go ahead and get eaten! You all deserve it!” but ends up saving a smal child (or maybe a puppy) at the cost of his own life?
(And I’ll vote for **Zyada** as **Dancer at Club**. But no need for auditions, or I’ll leave you all to get eaten!)
---
### Author:  [@rjk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjk)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2003, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-evil-in-my-backyard-its-in-a-cooler/169132/180 "2003-04-21T03:07:40Z")
Damn! I should learn to type instead of saving **small** children. You all deserve it!
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