# There Is No Joke I Love To Tell More Than This One **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 9, 2001, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324 "2001-03-09T06:20:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![ChoosyChipsAndCeilingWhacks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c77e96/32.png) [@ChoosyChipsAndCeilingWhacks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChoosyChipsAndCeilingWhacks)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/41 "2001-03-10T03:55:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by inor \* > \*\*If we read our history, we can learn a lot. > For instance, Mohandas Ghandi. > History tells us… \*\* History tells us that his name was Mahatma. ---
**Author:** ![callie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/2acd7d/32.png) [@callie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/callie)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/42 "2001-03-10T04:04:16Z")
Here is my favorite A couple was so busy working that they rarely found time to have sex. So they decided that everyday - no matter what, at 5:15 they would have sex . This worked out fine for a few weeks until she got sick. She went to the doctor and after the examination, the doctor explained that she had three germs inside her and that she would be given three pills to take care of them. So the germs started talking about what they were going to do to avoid the pills. The first germ said he was going to the tip of her ear because the pill would never find him there. The second germ said he was going to the end of her toe because the pill wouldn’t be able to find him there. The third germ replied - “Well I don’t know about you guys but I’m going to be on that 5:15 when it pulls out of here.” 🙂 hahahahaha - still makes me laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Bill\_H](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a5b964/32.png) [@Bill\_H](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_H)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/43 "2001-03-10T04:05:27Z")
**SexyWriter** wrote > [@](#): > > Q: How do you keep a Republican from drowning? > A: Take your foot off his head. And equally tasteful: Q: How do you kill a Democrat? A: Sneak up behind her while she’s taking a drink… And slam the toilet seat on her head. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/44 "2001-03-10T04:36:47Z")
A guy bursts into a bar, runs up to the bartender and says, “Give me six shots of whisky, straight up.” The bartender proceeds to pour the whiskey and sets up the six glasses in front of his customer. The guy honks first one shot, then another, and another. The bartender watches in amazment as the guy sucks down all six whiskeys inside of 30 seconds. The guys sits back on his barstool and tries to catch his breath. The bartender looks at him and says, “What on earth is going on with you to make you drink like that?” The guy says between gasps, “First blowjob.” Bartender says, “Well that’s cause for celebration, but you drink like that you’re going to die.” The guy says, “Well if that don’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!” ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/45 "2001-03-10T04:40:48Z")
What’s the best way to catch a polar bear? First you get your auger out, and drill a nice big hole in the ice. Then you get some green peas and put them in a circle around the hole. Now just sit back and wait for a polar bear to show up. And when he stops to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/46 "2001-03-10T04:43:57Z")
“Doctor, there’s a patient outside who needs to see you immediately-he says he’s becoming invisible.” “Tell him I can’t see him.” ---
**Author:** ![pantom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/34f0e0/32.png) [@pantom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pantom)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/47 "2001-03-10T04:56:10Z")
So this guy’s stuck in the desert. Crawling along, he hits the feet of someone walking along. He grabs the man’s leg and croaks “Water!” To which the standing man politely replies, “Well sir, I have no water, but I can sell you a tie!” The crawling guy says “Get away from me, you coyote!” … Eventually, the crawling guy sees a restaurant. He crawls through the door, up a long flight of stairs. At the top, he grabs the leg of the maitre’d and once again croaks out “Water!” The maitre’d looks down calmly and says “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t serve anyone without a tie.” ---
**Author:** ![Skarecrow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@Skarecrow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skarecrow)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/48 "2001-03-10T05:13:26Z")
whats green and flies over Poland? Peter Panski. ---
**Author:** ![5CentCigar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/ea5d25/32.png) [@5CentCigar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5CentCigar)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/49 "2001-03-10T05:44:01Z")
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? One goes, WHACK…shit! The other one goes, shit!..WHACK! By the way, SexyWriter, Ghandi’s first name was Mohandas. “Mahatma” means “Great Soul” and was a nickname given to him by the people after he’d started his philanthropic career. ---
**Author:** ![inor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f475e1/32.png) [@inor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inor)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/50 "2001-03-10T05:44:21Z")
> [@](#): > > History tells us that his name was Mahatma Wednesday ---
**Author:** ![inor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f475e1/32.png) [@inor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inor)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/51 "2001-03-10T05:48:56Z")
I love you. So does Wednesday, she just has these odd little ways of showing it. She will though, in a few, I’m sure. Wednesday, sweetness, underage cookie crumb of my love stable? _SLASH_ 😉 ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/52 "2001-03-10T05:56:18Z")
I man carefully planned a robbery of the Louvre. After closing time, he threw a rope through a window and climbed in. He skillfully disabled the security system, took some paintings, and was about to load them into his van when a security guard noticed the missing paintings and called the police. The thief jumped into the van with the police on his tail, and the chase was on. The thief drove through the narrow streets of Paris and was soon on the freeway. The police were starting to fall behind, when, all of a sudden, the thief ran out of gas. Soon the police caught up and arrested him. Later, during questioning, they asked him how he cold make such an obvious mistake when he had plotted his robbery so carefully. He responded, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh”. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jodi \* > \*\*After Quasimodo died, the chief priest at Notre Dame asked one of the junior chiefs to recruit a new bell-ringer. The junior priest scheduled interviews and saw several people, the last of whom was a young man with no arms. “My son,” said the priest tactfully, “I can’t help but notice your unfortunate disability. How could you possibly work as a bell ringer?” “No worries, Father,” said the man, “I’ll show you.” So the two of them go up to the bell tower. The young man backs all the way up to the wall and then runs as fast as he can straight at the large bell and smashes into it face-first. The bell moves slightly. So he does it again and again, until the bell is pealing loudly and swinging wildly. It was swinging so high, in fact, that on his last charge the man missed the bell entirely and pitched out the window to his death. The horrified junior priest ran down to the courtyard where he found the chief priest standing by the body. “That poor lad!” said the chief priest, “We’ll have to alert his family. Father, do you know who he was?” “No,” said the junior priest, "I don’t know his name . . . > > . . . but his face sure rang a bell." \*\* Well, at least it wasn’t a farewell to arms. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/53 "2001-03-10T06:04:25Z")
SexyWriter: I believe his name was Mahatma but once he became the person he’s famous for, he either 1.) changed his name to Mohandas, or 2.) earned it as a title. I don’t remember, having watched the movie “Gandhi” several years ago. ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/54 "2001-03-10T06:08:22Z")
damn I didn’t see that someone had already corrected SexyWriter…that’s what happens when you jump the gun I suppose. Appy polly loggies to all. ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/55 "2001-03-10T06:31:13Z")
I decided to go for three posts in a row… This guy is building a barbeque pit. He gets this kit to facilitate the building experience. He finally puts it all together and it turns out there’s an extra brick. So he somehow manages to take it apart and put it back together again. This time, there’s a missing brick. He takes it all apart and puts it together again. This time, there’s an extra brick again. Frustrated, he just throws the brick in the air. * * * So this panda walks into a bar that serves food in addition to just drinks. He sits down at the bar and the bartender asks, “What can I get ya?” The panda responds, “I’ll take a hamburger.” So the bartender gets the panda his hamburger. The panda eats it, stands up, pulls out a gun, and shoots the man sitting next to him. “Why the hell did you do that?” asks the bartender. “I’m a panda, look it up,” says the panda, as he walks out the door of the bar. So the bartender, who just happens to have a dictionary there, pulls it out and turns to “pampered-panopoly”. . . . “panda (n): mammal related to related to the American raccon. Eats shoots and leaves.” * * * So there’s this guy on a plane en route to New York , and he’s smoking a cigar. The flight attendent comes by and says “Excuse me, sir, but there is no smoking allowed on flights. Please put out your cigar immediately.” He says “Why don’t you make me?” She throws the cigar out of the plane (yeah, it’s a magical plane where windows open and such). Then there’s this lady, and she’s carrying a cat in a cage with her. This person next to her is allergic to it, and is sneezing and coughing. The flight attendant says “Excuse me, ma’am, but pets are not allowed in the passenger compartment on flights. If you will give me that cage, I will go put him in the cargo area.” The woman says “No, you can’t do that to my cat! She’s above that!” The flight attendant throws the cat and his cage out of the plane. What do you think is sitting on the wing of the plane? * * * What type of bees give milk? Boo-bees! * * * The brick, of course! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![mdf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@mdf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mdf)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/56 "2001-03-10T06:39:10Z")
Monday morning at the mental hospital, the chief of psychiatry is making rounds with two students. They come to a room where a man in jackboots and a spiked helmet marches up and down the length of the room shouting orders to unseen soldiers. “Zis iss a verrry interestink case”, says the doctor. “Zome days zis man tinks he iss ze head of ze Luftwaffe during Vorld Var Two, und zome days he beleives he iss ze temptress in a Bizet opera”. He turns to his students and says, “Vhat do you tink iss wrong vis him?” The first student speaks right up: “He must be a paranoid schizophrenic with delusions of granduer!” The second student looks in at the man, and turns to the doctor. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . “No, he just doesn’t know if he’s Carmen or Goring”. ---
**Author:** ![Xploder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/a183cd/32.png) [@Xploder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xploder)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/57 "2001-03-10T12:43:15Z")
A man runs into a bar and tells the bartender “Quick! Gimme a dozen shots of scotch!” The bartender quickly pours them and watches the man drink them right down. The bartender says “Wow! If you keep drinking like that, you’ll die!” The man says “You’ld drink like this if you had what I have!” The bartender says “Oh no…what do you have?” The man says “A quarter”. ---
**Author:** ![Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e36b37/32.png) [@Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Airman_Doors_USAF)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/58 "2001-03-10T13:17:39Z")
OK, my little contribution goes something like this… Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 100? Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat. YUK YUK YUK! (More bad, and some TRULY tasteless jokes on request) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ChoosyChipsAndCeilingWhacks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c77e96/32.png) [@ChoosyChipsAndCeilingWhacks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChoosyChipsAndCeilingWhacks)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/59 "2001-03-10T13:31:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by 5CentCigar \* > \*\*By the way, SexyWriter, Ghandi’s first name was Mohandas. “Mahatma” means “Great Soul” and was a nickname given to him by the people after he’d started his philanthropic career. \*\* Damn! Am I the stupidest person on the planet? From now on, I correct no one! -L ---
**Author:** ![inor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f475e1/32.png) [@inor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inor)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324/60 "2001-03-10T13:43:24Z")
Please, go easier on yourself hon- I really douibt yoiu’re the stupidest on the planet, why, there’s probably a good dozen in front of you… And, re: your last statement, well then, I’m afraid we can’t be married. \::throws away all the leather teddies and other gewgaws he’s been buying for the dowry;; [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/there-is-no-joke-i-love-to-tell-more-than-this-one/57324.md?page=4)