Ouch!
Summarizing mightily, your guy friend has picked a flaming controlling jerk for a GF and is about to have his life ruined by her jerkitude. While you’re half a country away.
IMO/IME as an old dude with plenty of battle damage …
You can’t change her; you can’t save him. Wash your hands of both and be glad you’ve got that half-country of distance separating you from their toxicity. You can / should be nice to your woman friend who’s the jilted housemate. Take solace that the toxic woman roommate is now out of her life too.
Shitty people are going to create shitty situations that blow up scattering shitty shit onto all the participants and any nearby spectators. It’s what they do.
It sucks, but it’s the human condition. I hope I can grant you the serenity to pass on this mess and the wisdom to see that that’s necessary for the sake of your mental health and your success in your program. Don’t let her shit infect your world. You’re worth more than that. Really.
It sucks because it sounds like he was a really great guy that made things better for everyone around him. But some people are vampires, and just drain the personality out of a person.
I feel bad for the guy, but all @Filbert can do is stay the fuck away and mourn for what was.
While this is true, abusers typically cut their victims off from the support network, and do exactly what she has done: distance people and / or piss them off. Depending, I think it would be good to (1) get a message to him that won’t go through her saying you’ll help them when they need it (which might mean merely providing them with a helpline—you’re not obligated), or (2) report it to the university authorities. I have my doubts about #2: it really depends on how much you can trust the university to understand the issues, and in any case there’s little they can do when adults are making terrible choices, even under undue influence.
So I guess I’d say “you can’t change her, you can’t save him, but you can remind him that there’s a life beyond the situation and people who care about him to help him get back to it.”
Yes, I absolutely agree. Isolating him is classic abuser behavior and the best you can do is be there with open arms when he’s ready/able to start talking about it. You don’t have to chase him all over, but you can leave a door open if he needs one.
“Two more horses have died at Churchill Downs, the home of the famed Kentucky Derby, officials from the track announced on Saturday. A total of seven horses have now died at the racetrack in the week-long lead up to the race.”
'Murica!
It certainly could be an abuser. It could also simply be a wacko. Being SO to a wacko is little better practically, but it is morally distinct. And affords a much larger opportunity for the friend to wake up and smell the coffee.
We shall see. Or at lease he shall.
But if @Filbert wants to do a big favor, he needs to make effort to contact the friend without the abuser / wacko present and tell them in plain English that they’ve hitched their wagon to one or the other and either way, the friend will be utterly screwed if he doesn’t bail out both absolutely and immediately
Damn raccoons. This time they apparently managed to rip a hole in my roof, as well as chewing a hole through the firewall between my attic and the other half of the duplex. Critter Control gave me an estimate of nearly $800 for repairing the firewall, putting a screen over the hole in my roof, and setting/monitoring a trap.
Supposedly my HOA is responsible for maintaining and repairing my roof. I spoke to the management rep on Friday, and he said that someone from their roofing contractor would be in the neighborhood Monday or Tuesday and would come by to check out my roof. However, when I sent him a copy of the estimate from Critter Control to see if they would reimburse me for any of it (which they did a few years ago when my soffit needed repairing due to raccoons) he replying that according to the terms of the HOA covenant they were not responsible for repairing animal damage. I asked for clarification on whether that meant I would have to pay for the roof repair, but haven’t yet gotten an answer.
A friend was supposed to visit today, and I really needed it. She mixed up the date so actually I won’t see her for another three weeks. I feel like I’m starving for social support right now and between illness and random crap it all keeps going to hell. I tried to call my grandmother but her mailbox is full. I give up.
He might take it badly that the welfare team got involved, but it wouldn’t hurt to contact them yourself and tell them what’s been going on. If they’re anything like the student wellbeing team at my uni, they will have a raft of ways to do a wellness check on him without involving him at all. They can also be in touch with his PhD supervisors to see what their impression is, especially if the personal situation is affecting his work/studies and they are seeing potential problems too.
It does sound like the g/f is a controlling type who wants to isolate him from all his friends, and she has been doing a very good job so far. She has picked arguments with all of his friends and alienated them as a couple, which makes it all the more difficult for friends to invite him to something without her. You’ve already established that it’s not just you, it’s happened with other people, and the more isolated he becomes, the less likely anyone else will see a major problem before something drastic happens. If nothing else, your contact with the welfare team is you doing something. It might be the only thing you can do, my advice would be to speak to them first and see what they can offer.
This morning I had a doctor’s appointment scheduled. It had been on the books for 3 months, as that’s the earliest I could get in as a “new” patient (which apparently you become after 3 years of not going in).
I got a phone call on Friday confirming my appointment, and also, if I didn’t call back to confirm that day they were going to cancel. I wasn’t at my phone Friday afternoon, and lo and behold they were true to their word. Appointment canceled.
Shitty behavior from a care organization. If it wasn’t so difficult right now to be seen by anybody in a timely manner I’d switch practices. (which might be a misnomer, as even though this is the only place I’ve gone for care in the last 10 years, I am not actually a current patient).
This sort of thing INFURIATES me. When I make an appointment, that is the confirmation. My doctor’s office makes me confirm every single appointment by text. By email. AND by telephone—all automated, because they clearly bought the Ultrannoy™ package, but the cheap version that can’t be tailored to individual customer preferences.
You should explain to them that you had already confirmed the appointment and, as they cancelled without running it by you, you be levying a $50 fee.
Every doctor appointment and medical procedure I have with UNC Health makes me jump through similar hoops. About a week before the appointment I get a text asking me to confirm that I will be keeping it. Then I also need to go to the MyUNC Health app or website to complete a “Get Started” questionnaire to confirm that the medical information they have on file for me is still correct. Then when I get to the clinic, before I see the doctor, in addition to taking my vitals the nurse goes over the same information yet again.
Whelp, I couldn’t beat back the Spring Cold enough… and with me coughing the cold-stuff up from my lungs still, going under anesthesia seemed suicide (the Dr would have said no too).
So, the second eye apptment becomes the first eye appointment and the eye that has cataracts will be done 2 weeks later ( Insurance requirement I’m told ). I’ll need another form from my Primary Dr filled out no more than 30 days prior to the 2nd surgery… and he’s a PITA.
My current position is mostly fine. Earlier today, I got a call from a woman who clearly spoke English as a second language. She didn’t ask for an interpreter, so I didn’t suggest one. She repeatedly failed to understand my questions. Fer example, “Do you have a driver’s license or state ID?” “No. I have state ID.” She also kept contradicting herself. The cherry on the frustration sundae was after an hour or so of working on her application, she decided ‘I do not want to do this. I will just get a paper application.’
FYI, Duke isn’t any better, and typically getting specialist appointments takes longer. I work both systems when I need a specialist appointment to see which one I can get into soonest. And the food at UNC’s main hospital is WAY better than Duke’s.
