# There's a new Jack Chick tract! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 18, 2001, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778 "2001-05-18T01:29:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Bob\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@Bob\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bob_Scene)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/61 "2001-05-20T01:25:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jab1 \* > **In one panel, the Arab says, “We expect a Muslim flag to fly over the White House by 2010. It will be the end of Christianity in America.” If it doesn’t happen by then, do you think Chicken Man will go back to that tract and change the date? "Oh, sorry, gentle readers, I meant 2020. The Devil caused that typo."** I just found my old copy of the tract in question, [“Allah Had No Son,”](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0042/0042_01.asp) and it turns out that Chick has already changed it quite a bit since the early 90’s. For example, he has removed the part where the Christian dad says to the Moslem, as the little Christian boy gasps in horror, “You claim Muhammad was innocent, yet his third wife, little Aesha, was only 8 years old. Shame on him! In my country he’d be jailed for child abuse!” Maybe someone pointed out to Chick that most of the “holy” people in the Bible would be jailed for **something** in the modern U.S. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/62 "2001-05-20T01:40:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > I will now convert everyone here by telling you the Bible Story of Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat: Silly Crunchy. Don’t you know that Jack Chick would despise the devil worshipping\* star of that movie? Obviously the show’s meant to trick folks into believing they’re Christians when it’s really yet another Mormon conspiracy. \*Yes, I, Monty, am LDS and yes, I have been told to my face by a Chickian bigot…er Christian that I’m a devil worshipper. Oh, well. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/63 "2001-05-20T01:59:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Monty \* > \*_Silly Crunchy. Don’t you know that Jack Chick would despise the devil worshipping_ star of that movie? \*\* Which is why I will be performing the music instead of hell-bound Donnie Osmand. (I tried to get him to do it, but he doesn’t return my calls anymore.) \*\* > [@](#): > > Obviously the show’s meant to trick folks into believing they’re Christians when it’s really yet another Mormon conspiracy.\*\* Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice are Mormons? I had no idea! \*\* > [@](#): > > \*Yes, I, Monty, am LDS and yes, I have been told to my face by a Chickian bigot…er Christian that I’m a devil worshipper. Oh, well. \*\* _gasp_ After reading all these highly insightful and obviously well-thought out Jack Chick tracts, you’ve yet to deny your faith? You’re tough nut, **Monty**. I’m new at this and haven’t yet mastered the art of knowing exactly _which_ Bible story will incite immediate conversions. Apparently the story of Joseph isn’t the correct Bible story to go with here, otherwise (unless Jack Chick is wrong - and he couldn’t be wrong) - you would have already denounced your sins, fallen on the floor in remorse for what you’ve done, repented and converted to the _real_ Christianity. Time to pull out the Big Gun: [**Jesus Christ: Superstar**](http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/Stage/7071/lyrics.html) [singing] Hosanna Heysanna Sanna Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Sanna Ho Sanna Hey JC,JC won’t you smile at me? Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Superstar! [/singing] Hang on a sec… Now I _know_ this would be considered rock music. What have I done?! I’m hell bound for sure now! ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/64 "2001-05-20T02:55:27Z")
I had, up to this point, somehow missed “Sin Busters”. > [@](#): > > Grizzly Adams: It was **only** an affair, doctor. I’m a **happily** married man. > Doctor: Not any more! Your “little” affair gave your pregnant wife Syphilis and the AIDS virus. Was it worth it? Wow! Syphilis and HIV from one sexual encounter? Talk about hitting the infectious disease Powerball… Dr. J ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/65 "2001-05-20T02:58:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Which is why I will be performing the music instead of hell-bound Donnie Osmand. (I tried to get him to do it, but he doesn’t return my calls anymore.) Wrong star, dude. Technicolor Coat’s star was Donnie Osmond. 😉 > [@](#): > > Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice are Mormons? I had no idea! They don’t know it yet, but don’t worry, Chick will soon tell us how that show was just like D&D to get folks into another religion. > [@](#): > > _gasp_ > After reading all these highly insightful and obviously well-thought out Jack Chick tracts, you’ve yet to deny your faith? Yep. I’m hopeless. Tsk tsk tsk. > [@](#): > > You’re tough nut, Monty. I’m new at this and haven’t yet mastered the art of knowing exactly which Bible story will incite immediate conversions. Try Chick’s method! Just use all of the stories you’ve ever heard and to hell with the facts! > [@](#): > > Apparently the story of Joseph isn’t the correct Bible story to go with here, otherwise (unless Jack Chick is wrong - and he couldn’t be wrong) - you would have already denounced your sins, fallen on the floor in remorse for what you’ve done, repented and converted to the real Christianity. I’ve wondered about that for a while. Maybe Chick’s alter-ego on the board here, BB/SJ, can help. > [@](#): > > Time to pull out the Big Gun: No! Not the Big Gun! Tell me you’re not pulling out the Big Gun! Uh, what’s the Big Gun? > [@](#): > > Jesus Christ: Superstar > [singing] > Hosanna Heysanna Sanna Sanna Ho > Sanna Hey Sanna Ho Sanna > Hey JC,JC won’t you smile at me? > Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Superstar! > [/singing] What, no wine with that song? Sheesh, you gotta do better than that. > [@](#): > > Hang on a sec… Now I know this would be considered rock music. What have I done?! Well, I’m thanking God that it’s not Rap. > [@](#): > > I’m hell bound for sure now! According to Chick, so am I. Hey, who’s conducting this train? Crunchy, what’s with that watch? No! Don’t unwind it. No! No! Oh, wait. Wrong show. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/66 "2001-05-20T03:29:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Monty \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > You’re tough nut, Monty. I’m new at this and haven’t yet mastered the art of knowing exactly which Bible story will incite immediate conversions. > > Try Chick’s method! Just use all of the stories you’ve ever heard and to hell with the facts!\*\* I would try that, unfortunately, my knowledge of Bible stories are restricted to Charlton Heston films and Broadway musicals. I guess you’re all just destined for hell then. I tried to help, but I’m just not as wise as Jack Chick. ---
**Author:** ![Lucki\_Chaarms](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lucki\_Chaarms](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucki_Chaarms)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/67 "2001-05-20T03:55:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jayjay \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by MarxBoy \* > > \*\*I repeat my previous suggestion that you go and handle a bunch of rattlesnakes. After all, the bible says you can do it and not be harmed because you believe in Jesus. The bible is the infallible word of god right? Don’t you believe the bible? Well then you must not believe in Jesus… > > > > MarxBoy \*\* > > Not handling rattlesnakes makes Baby Jesus cry! > > jayjay \*\* Yes I realize I just quoted myself, but dammit I was expecting a bigger response to my little block of anti-fundie logic there. And jayjay, Baby Jesus is like, a baby. Don’t they usually cry? MarxBoy ---
**Author:** ![Lucki\_Chaarms](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lucki\_Chaarms](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucki_Chaarms)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/68 "2001-05-20T04:04:06Z")
Fun Activity You Can Do At Home: Listen to the song “Mr. Crowley” by Ozzy Osbourne repeatedly while reading Jack Chick tracts. It’s really very special. Damn I love this song, so superior to “Crazy Train” and a major triumph of Satan Rock. Other great accompaniments to Jack Chick tracts: Black Sabbath- “NIB”, Pantera- “Cowboys From Hell”, Marilyn Manson - “The Fight Song”, Marilyn Manson - “Antichrist Superstar” MANY other Black Sabbath songs, The Album “2000 Years Of Human Error” by GODHead, DIO- “Holy Diver” and any number of other heavy metal songs. I mean old school, lying down, thrashing about on the stage, standing up, raising a fist and screaming “Satan Is Lord” as the crowd bursts into a frenzy and animals are sacrificed metal. I do not mean Limp Bizkit. MarxBoy ---
**Author:** ![johnny\_fishface](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@johnny\_fishface](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnny_fishface)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/69 "2001-05-20T06:20:06Z")
MarxBoy, obviously you are a true believer… but, how could you possibly exclude IRON MAIDEN!!! ‘The Number of the Beast’ and everything Slayer!!! Jack and Slayer go hand in hand! You just have to read really fast. ---
**Author:** ![johnny\_fishface](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@johnny\_fishface](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnny_fishface)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/70 "2001-05-20T07:32:36Z")
Oh man. I should take a breathalyzer before every post. My old mullet is showing! ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/71 "2001-05-20T13:57:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Monty \* > > \*_Silly Crunchy. Don’t you know that Jack Chick would despise the devil worshipping_ star of that movie? \*\* > > Time to pull out the Big Gun: > [**Jesus Christ: Superstar**](http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/Stage/7071/lyrics.html) > [singing] > Hosanna Heysanna Sanna Sanna Ho > Sanna Hey Sanna Ho Sanna > Hey JC,JC won’t you smile at me? > Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Superstar! > [/singing] > Hang on a sec… Now I _know_ this would be considered rock music. What have I done?! I’m hell bound for sure now! \*\* And in one of Chick’s comics (The Crusaders) Chick specifically discusses JC Superstar and Godspell, saying that A) They featured _ **ROCK and ROLL!** _ which came from the DRUIDS(???) and is of the DEVIL, so it can’t be Christian! and B) Further proof is that Jesus is a “wimp” in JCSuperstar and a “clown” in Godspell, so you KNOW they’re anti-Christian. After discovering this, The Crusaders, Tim and Jim (sort of homoerotic Scooby Doo-esque investigators for Jesus) go kick the snot outta some Satan-Worshipping Druids. Unfortuately, THE CRUSADERS isn’t available on-line, my copy vanished several moves back and I’m not willing to give Jack Chick money. You can see some pictures [here](http://www.walkertown.com/jack.html). Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/72 "2001-05-20T17:35:15Z")
[More Crusader godliness](http://www.brunching.com/features/feature-crusaders.html) courtesy of the Brunching Shuttlecocks. I have this mental image of a bunch of Druids rocking out now… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/73 "2001-05-20T19:05:03Z")
Oh. My. God. I found an [entire page](http://members.tripod.com/monsterwax/chickcomics.html) of reviews/descriptions of Jack’s old _Crusaders_ comic books. Complete with verbatim quotes. > [@](#): > > We are also treated to a detailed lecture on the history of various occult objects, all because one dude wears a small piece of Egyptian jewelry. (It doesn’t take much to get Chick going!) In case you’re worried that having these symbols in your house in comic book form might attract demons, fear not. Chick’s footnote assures us: “Witches believe that only occult symbols in 3 dimensional shapes such as jewelry, statues or books pushing the occult can be used for casting spells… so you need not burn this book.” (What a relief.) Yes, um, thanks Jack–we wouldn’t want the faithful getting carried away there. ---
**Author:** ![Journeyman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/779978/32.png) [@Journeyman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Journeyman)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2001, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/74 "2001-05-20T19:57:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Katisha \* > \*\*I have this mental image of a bunch of Druids rocking out now… 😉 \*\* ROFLMAO!!! Sorry, have you ever seen the movie This is Spinal Tap? Your post reminded me of one of the sillier segments. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2001, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/75 "2001-05-21T03:39:42Z")
MeBuckner, So how does the Chickster explain away those bad ol’ divvil worshippers using a pentagram drawn on the floor? That’s certainly two-dimensional. Hmmm…actually, none of it’s two-dimensional. You see, ink has volume and thus Chick’s own tracts are, in reality, three dimensional pagan symbols! ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2001, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/76 "2001-05-21T04:25:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Journeyman \* > \*\*Sorry, have you ever seen the movie This is Spinal Tap? Your post reminded me of one of the sillier segments. \*\* I haven’t seen it. I’ve heard of it, but wasn’t really thinking of it when I wrote that, or anything. It _is_ on my list of Movies to Check Out Sometime, though… ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2001, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/77 "2001-05-21T08:44:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by detop \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > > \*\*These things are great. Someone should get a bunch of Jack Chick tracts together and adapt them into a Broadway musical. It’s a lock for the Best Comedy Tony. \*\* > > Sigh !.. > > I guess it’s up to me then, > \*\*\*Ooooh Fennnnris, Wheeere arrre yooou ? 😃 \*\*\*\*\* Already been done – see [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=61703&pagenumber=3), starting with page 3. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2001, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/78 "2001-05-22T19:19:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jab1 \* > \*\*All right! I knew I could count on you guys! > Particularly hilarious is [“Angels,”](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0034/0034_01.asp) Jack’s condemnation of Christian rock. It re-states the old 1950s claims that rock music leads to promiscuous sex and illegal drugs. A group signs a deal with the Devil for fame and fortune and groupies. > > \*\* The most amazing thing for me in this one was that the preacher, a man who is supposed to know God personally, cheats this band out of three hundred bucks. What kind of message does that convey about God and his followers? ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2001, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/79 "2001-05-22T19:58:13Z")
I think Chick was showing that the band was singing for the money, instead of testifying how much they love Jesus. Or he was showing how a corrupt, dishonest preacher can turn people away from the Lord. (Even Chick has admitted that not all preachers are who they claim to be.) Or he was showing that in our God-less society, even good churches are chronically underfunded. (People aren’t tithing as they should.) Or he’s just a bad story-teller. You make the call. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Sassy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@Sassy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sassy)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2001, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778/80 "2001-05-22T20:47:45Z")
[[http://777.nventure.com/](http://777.nventure.com/)](this guy) I swear he’s worse that Chick, and he’s planning to run for President! See his campaign platform and be **very afraid**! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-a-new-jack-chick-tract/65778.md?page=5)