# There's no etiquette-approved way to do this is there? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 25, 2012, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870 "2012-10-25T21:31:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kansas\_Beekeeper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c37758/32.png) [@Kansas\_Beekeeper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kansas_Beekeeper)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870/21 "2012-10-26T03:27:05Z")
I am in the MYOB crowd, and I am a parent of two children that my wife and I have raised together reasonably successfully. This is rudeness and sanctimonious. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870/22 "2012-10-26T04:18:49Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > So what am I missing here? I can’t think of a single time or circumstance, save when you’re actually putting them in or taking them out, when it’s safe and okay by the manufacturer’s instructions to have the straps loose on a child safety seat. There’s tight, and then there’s tight. When Junior was small enough to still be in a baby bucket, the straps were _TIGHT_ while driving in the car, but I would ease the middle clip down when he was in his pram so I could open up his coat a bit and get him some air. I managed to do this without killing him, maiming him, or actually having him fall out of the damn thing. Ever. Not even one time. If someone would have come up to me and started giving me unsolicited parenting advice I would have told them to go fuck themselves. No really - no internet tough guy here - I actually am a total hag in person. Were I less of a hag, I may have started a thread on this very message board about how to look older so busy-bodies would quit coming up to me and telling me how to parent. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870/23 "2012-10-26T04:43:49Z")
I like to do my best to keep the kids snug in their car-seats - to the point of regularly taking them in to re-thread the straps when they get a bit twisty and adjusting them becomes difficult. On the other hand, I remember when nobody blinked at unrestrained kids in front and back, and there were no laws to suggest anything else. It would never occur to me to bring it up with a stranger. Hell, it’s hard enough for me to keep telling my _wife_ to buckle the bottom first and then slide the chest-clips up before fastening them. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870/24 "2012-10-26T11:57:48Z")
Hang on… From the OP, I thought you were talking about situations where people were using a car seat wrong. I was all on your side there. I was trying to think of the politest and most effective ways to phrase warnings. But now it sounds like you’re talking about situations where you think that someone \*might \* possibly at some point use a car seat wrong. I’m going with MYOB. If someone next to us in the parking lot saw me strapping Widget into the car wrong and said, ‘Oh, hey, I just found this out: the clip has to go at this level, or the kid’s not secure,’ I’d be genuinely grateful. If someone came up to me when I had the car seat attached to the buggy and said, ‘I certainly hope you’re going to tighten those straps when you put the child in the car,’ I’d give her the Stare of Death and say ‘How nice of you to take an interest,’ and keep walking. There is a HUGE difference between commenting on something that’s actually unsafe and assuming you have the right to judge that someone’s going to do something unsafe. One is helpful and friendly. One is just plain interfering. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870/25 "2012-10-26T12:09:42Z")
… ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870/26 "2012-10-26T12:33:40Z")
The concern for a child is a good thing. But there’s a problem with this thinking. It’s Friday and I’m worn down and cranky so I can’t think of a better way to to say the following. Slightly loose straps on a child’s car seat is not a great imminent danger. It’s somewhere along the lines of feeding children Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. Are you going to give a lecture to a parent buying those at the grocery store? What about a toddler walking next to their parent in a parking lot without holding their hand? If you want to be annoying go ahead and tell the parent what they’re doing wrong. But it’s not your business. If you see a child in a car without a carseat, call the police. Otherwise keep your nose out of other people affairs. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870/27 "2012-10-26T12:40:39Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > There’s tight, and then there’s tight. It’s the difference between the over-the-shoulder-solid steel-5-point-harness for the loop-de-loop rollercoaster, and the lap bar on the ferris wheel. When the car seat is being carried, strolled or sitting on the floor, the straps only need to keep the child from exiting before the ride is over. While driving, the straps have to hold the child during a horrible accident. Very different. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870/28 "2012-10-26T13:39:58Z")
> [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > Hang on… From the OP, I thought you were talking about situations where people were using a car seat wrong. I was all on your side there. I was trying to think of the politest and most effective ways to phrase warnings. > > But now it sounds like you’re talking about situations where you think that someone \*might \* possibly at some point use a car seat wrong. I’m going with MYOB. > > If someone next to us in the parking lot saw me strapping Widget into the car wrong and said, ‘Oh, hey, I just found this out: the clip has to go at this level, or the kid’s not secure,’ I’d be genuinely grateful. If someone came up to me when I had the car seat attached to the buggy and said, ‘I certainly hope you’re going to tighten those straps when you put the child in the car,’ I’d give her the Stare of Death and say ‘How nice of you to take an interest,’ and keep walking. > > There is a HUGE difference between commenting on something that’s actually unsafe and assuming you have the right to judge that someone’s going to do something unsafe. One is helpful and friendly. One is just plain interfering. I’m with this. Loose straps while just walking around is not a safety problem, it’s a parenting choice, the kind of thing that one shouldn’t criticize in strangers (the Seedling was often carried in a car seat with loosened straps, and has survived so far) . Loose or improperly adjusted straps _while the kid is in the car_ is a potential safety issue, but personal enough that one should be hesitant (and apologetic) to mention. In fact, for a stranger, the only way I’d mention it is if I had some objective qualification (for instance, being an EMT or maternity nurse who is supposed to check car seats, or car-seat designer or something), and even then I’d be apologetic and act semi-embarassed that I can’t leave my job at the workplace but still have to keep doing it with total strangers at the mall. I mean, I’d still say something, but try to do it politely by making it seem like I’m the slightly strange one. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870/29 "2012-10-26T15:18:37Z")
When related topics come up, I find that the best approach is that of someone who wants to learn, even if it means I’m lying my butt off. “Hi, can I bug you for a minute? I saw you’ve got your little one in one of those removable carseats, and I’m going to start spending time taking care of my friend’s little boy. She’s kind of . . . distracted, so I didn’t want to bug her, but I was wondering about the straps. Do they need to be adjusted every time you move the baby? How do they work? Is it true what I heard about most child seats being installed incorrectly?” If they blow me off, they blow me off. If I get a twenty minute lecture and demonstration, chances are, the topic will be foremost in the parent’s mind, and they will make the necessary adjustments to keep baby safe. If they’re doing something clearly unsafe, I ask naive questions in the hopes of getting them to consider what they’re doing. Then I thank them profusely and leave them feeling like expert hero people. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870/30 "2012-10-26T15:50:30Z")
IMO it’s not your problem, you can’t fix every problem in the world and you’ll go crazy trying. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-no-etiquette-approved-way-to-do-this-is-there/638870.md?page=1)