# There's one small thing you ask your partner/spouse to do. They won't. Passive aggressive? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 18, 2013, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704 "2013-05-18T22:10:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2013, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/1 "2013-05-18T22:10:18Z")
Just please let me know when we’re going somewhere together, what time you’d like to leave the house. That’s not hard, is it? I’d like to be ready, and not sit around once I’m dressed. But I get ridiculous answers. Or no answer. I adore him, but this is pissing me off. ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2013, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/2 "2013-05-18T22:13:02Z")
My husband is bad with time as well, but I don’t ask him what time he wants to go, I tell him what time we’re going, and I always tell him a time 5 or 10 minutes earlier than I’m planning to be ready. Works almost every time. Some people just suck at time management. ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2013, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/3 "2013-05-18T22:56:17Z")
> [@DummyGladHands](#): > > Just please let me know when we’re going somewhere together, what time you’d like to leave the house. That’s not hard, is it? I’d like to be ready, and not sit around once I’m dressed. But I get ridiculous answers. Or no answer. I adore him, but this is pissing me off. What are his answers? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/4 "2013-05-19T00:53:26Z")
I dunno. What about “I have this one thing that I am just not good at. My spouse refuses to accommodate me or cut me any slack. Passive aggressive or what?” If you really think this isn’t hard for him, he could easily do this, he just is chosing not to, with malice aforethought, and he is doing it just to piss you off, go ahead and get divorced. Because, really, the idea of an adult doing something so petty just as a punishment or something is repulsive, and if anyone would do such a thing, they’d be pretty lousy in a hundred other ways too. If, on the other hand, all other signs point to him generally being a generous, thoughtful, caring, considerate human being, then you need to realize that this thing that seems easy to you must be hard for him–because if it were easy, it would be done. That doesn’t mean you drop the issue and learn to live with it, but it does mean you have some long boring talks about why this is hard for him, and you figure out how to accommodate both your issues. ---
**Author:** ![stoplight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@stoplight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stoplight)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/5 "2013-05-19T01:06:09Z")
Is his tardiness consistent in all areas of his life or just with you? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/6 "2013-05-19T01:10:06Z")
Take out the garbage. Not when you feel like it. When I ask you to because either it is overflowing or stinks. He is totally passive aggressive when it comes to taking out the garbage and has admitted it ---
**Author:** ![stoplight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@stoplight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stoplight)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/7 "2013-05-19T01:15:06Z")
> [@stoplight](#): > > Is his tardiness consistent in all areas of his life or just with you? I misunderstood. does he do that with is his friends, family or other or is that only for you? ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/8 "2013-05-19T01:25:18Z")
Did I wake up in Bizzaro world today. But seriously, I hate that shit. I always show up to planned events early or right on time. Every woman I’ve ever been with prefers to show up late. Grrr!! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/9 "2013-05-19T01:26:46Z")
No, he’s not tardy, never known him to be, but if the program starts at 11 & theater is 1/2 away, and I ask when we’re leaving, then say (example) 10:30 or 10:15 or ANYTHING. Don’t say 11 or 9 or something stupid just to be an ass. Because I swear to god, the next time I will demand we leave the house then, arrival be damned. He is a good guy, and I adore him, but I lived with a master of the passive aggressive, and perhaps I am too skeptical of anything that smells of it, because it’s totally nasty behavior towards someone you love. And I think symptomatic of more. Maybe it’s my problem. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/10 "2013-05-19T01:30:44Z")
I get irritated with my mate for not tasting various dishes I make. I would not dream of not tasting something for her or anyone else for that matter. Very small issue but one that really aggravates me. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/11 "2013-05-19T01:38:53Z")
> [@DummyGladHands](#): > > No, he’s not tardy, never known him to be, but if the program starts at 11 & theater is 1/2 away, and I ask when we’re leaving, then say (example) 10:30 or 10:15 or ANYTHING. Don’t say 11 or 9 or something stupid just to be an ass. Because I swear to god, the next time I will demand we leave the house then, arrival be damned. He is a good guy, and I adore him, but I lived with a master of the passive aggressive, and perhaps I am too skeptical of anything that smells of it, because it’s totally nasty behavior towards someone you love. And I think symptomatic of more. > > Maybe it’s my problem. Why don’t you just say “Let’s leave at 10:20, ok?” Then you be ready to go at 10:20. If he’s ready earlier, he can wait, and if he’s the sort that’s always on time, you know he will be ready within 5 minutes of that. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/12 "2013-05-19T02:41:49Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Take out the garbage. Not when you feel like it. When I ask you to because either it is overflowing or stinks. > > He is totally passive aggressive when it comes to taking out the garbage and has admitted it If something that is that easy to do and its important to you then maybe you should do it. That was one thing my EX did that drove me batshit crazy. Being told to do trivial tasks that she could do as well, about things she thought was important and I didn’t give a fuck about, that if I did do them I didn’t do them when or how she wanted them done, and she spent more effort bitching about than it would have taken her to just do it herself. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/13 "2013-05-19T02:51:03Z")
No because I do certain chores in the house and he does certain chores in the house. Plus I’m 9 months pregnant. So he can take the garbage out. And normally he has no problem doing it except when he is playing a video game or doing something on the computer and he says he’ll do it later, that’s what drives me crazy ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/14 "2013-05-19T02:54:39Z")
Pregnant buys you some slack. But seriously, LET IT GO. Does he give you shit about how the chores you do are wrong or not up to his standards? Seriously, just be glad somebody does it and it isn’t you. Seriously, that’s what killed our relationship. There wasn’t a fracking thing I could do that somehow I wasn’t doing the exact right way or at the right time. Over the years that shit gets old. Trust me, every time he thinks he is getting nagged he ain’t thinking happy thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/15 "2013-05-19T03:39:57Z")
OT: Interest in video games would be a deal-breaker for me in a relationship. Far too many people who do this are hopelessly addicted. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/16 "2013-05-19T03:52:16Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Pregnant buys you some slack. > > But seriously, LET IT GO. Does he give you shit about how the chores you do are wrong or not up to his standards? > > Seriously, just be glad somebody does it and it isn’t you. Seriously, that’s what killed our relationship. There wasn’t a fracking thing I could do that somehow I wasn’t doing the exact right way or at the right time. > > Over the years that shit gets old. > > Trust me, every time he thinks he is getting nagged he ain’t thinking happy thoughts. I’m not that bad lol. I know when it is something I should just do myself and when I am busy and he knows he can do it instead. I am not going to wait until he gets home to take the garbage out if I can’t stand it and want it done immediately but if I am doing the dishes or rounding up the rug rats for bed time and I think the garbage could use with a good chucking I don’t feel bad asking him to do it. What we get in arguments about is his instinct to drag his feet or do it on his own time just to show he doesn’t have to jump when I say jump. I appreciate he isn’t a push over but unnecessary passive aggressiveness is just immature. We have both talked about it and he agrees that being PA is largely silly and I agree that it isn’t always imperative that things have to get done my way. Having the discussion and confronting our behavior had made life much easier 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/58956e/32.png) [@Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emtar_KronJonDerSohn)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/17 "2013-05-19T03:53:21Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Trust me, every time he thinks he is getting nagged he ain’t thinking happy thoughts. +1 No man has ever said “boy, I sure do love my wife’s constant suggestions of what I’m doing wrong and what else I should be doing every moment of my life.” Maybe he’s playing video games or screwing around on the computer, but I bet what he really wants is just a little time to unwind and decompress. If he doesn’t have any clear outlets for that he’ll start thinking of faking his own death or joining the merchant marines or just getting an apartment and leaving. ---
**Author:** ![stoplight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@stoplight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stoplight)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/18 "2013-05-19T03:56:32Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Pregnant buys you some slack. > > But seriously, LET IT GO. Does he give you shit about how the chores you do are wrong or not up to his standards? > > Seriously, just be glad somebody does it and it isn’t you. Seriously, that’s what killed our relationship. There wasn’t a fracking thing I could do that somehow I wasn’t doing the exact right way or at the right time. > > Over the years that shit gets old. > > Trust me, every time he thinks he is getting nagged he ain’t thinking happy thoughts. 😃 a very good friend of mine has a wife that bird dogs his ass on the chore gig. she wants it done when she wants it done. He is a patient man but when he has enough he blows. Good thing he not the passive aggressive type, shit could get ugly. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/19 "2013-05-19T03:57:48Z")
Oh and PS he did get huffy about how I folded the laundry when we first got married (8yrs ago!) that it became his chore. I was upset when he let the dishes pile up and didn’t wash them so that became my chore. We realized if there was something we were extremely particular about that it was easier for us to take on that task ourselves rather than deriding the other for doing it “wrong” ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/20 "2013-05-19T03:59:02Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > OT: Interest in video games would be a deal-breaker for me in a relationship. Far too many people who do this are hopelessly addicted. What was that honey…couldn’t hear you over the raid leader… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704.md?page=2)