# There's one small thing you ask your partner/spouse to do. They won't. Passive aggressive? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 18, 2013, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704 "2013-05-18T22:10:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/41 "2013-05-21T01:07:56Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > If you’re busy with the kids, I don’t understand why the garbage has to go NOW, despite the fact that he’s doing something else already. If it’s that important to you that it be done NOW, then haul your pregnant ass out there and do it yourself. Otherwise, have enough respect for him to let him do it in his own time and don’t expect him to deep everything for your whim. You’ve arbitrarily decided it needs to be done this instant; he’s not the one being passive aggressive if he doesn’t walk away from what he was already doing to comply with your demands. > > If the garbage truck is due in the next 15 minutes, then it’s a different story. It depends on how you define “now”: if “now” is “this second” and “dragging his feet” is half an hour, then yes, that seems pretty horrible. But if “now” is “in the next hour or so” and “dragging his feet” is “48-72 hours later, with the clock resetting every time the garbage is mentioned”, then that’s very different. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/42 "2013-05-21T02:03:07Z")
> [@Yeticus\_Rex](#): > > Out of the blue, my wife blindsides me with this comparison with my brother… > > Wife: Your brother always fills up his wife’s car with gas…she never has to ask him. > Me: …And my brother always gets a blow job without asking too. I’m game…are you? > > Wife: :eek::o So :o is the blow job smiley? Who knew? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/43 "2013-05-21T03:11:10Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > If you’re busy with the kids, I don’t understand why the garbage has to go NOW, despite the fact that he’s doing something else already. If it’s that important to you that it be done NOW, then haul your pregnant ass out there and do it yourself. Otherwise, have enough respect for him to let him do it in his own time and don’t expect him to deep everything for your whim. You’ve arbitrarily decided it needs to be done this instant; he’s not the one being passive aggressive if he doesn’t walk away from what he was already doing to comply with your demands. > > If the garbage truck is due in the next 15 minutes, then it’s a different story. My ass is not pregnant, babies grow in the uterus not the ass 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/44 "2013-05-21T03:14:02Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > My ass is not pregnant, babies grow in the uterus not the ass 😛 I don’t know about that. My ass looked pretty pregnant too 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/45 "2013-05-21T03:28:05Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > I don’t know about that. My ass looked pretty pregnant too 🙂 hahahah. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/46 "2013-05-21T03:29:32Z")
Jeff Foxworthy talked about this in one of his comedy things. It could be a Mars/Venus thing. 1. Wife says “We need more toilet paper.” B. Husband says “Okay” and continues watching the game. III. Wife gets angry. Husband HEARD “We need more toilet paper” and will get some the next time he goes out. Wife meant “We need more toilet paper NOW. Go get some NOW” ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/47 "2013-05-21T03:48:33Z")
Reading this thread reminds me why I’m happy to be single.😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/48 "2013-05-21T03:51:44Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > Husband HEARD “We need more toilet paper” and will get some the next time he goes out. > Wife meant “We need more toilet paper NOW. Go get some NOW” To which my answer is: Instead of complaining to me about it, why aren’t you already on your way to get some? I’m not your servant and I’m quite sure you’re capable of both driving and shopping. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/49 "2013-05-21T04:03:11Z")
> [@Idle\_Thoughts](#): > > Don’t accuse other posters of being liars in this forum. The Pit is two forums below this one. Fine… I’m sorry that you were mistaken **nearwildheaven** , but Research says that maybe 3% of gamers are “addicted” and that it’s almost impossible to separate “game addiction” from other other underlying causes. > **[Katie Couric Offers 'Mea Culpa' For One-Sided Violent Video Game Show](https://kotaku.com/couric-offers-mea-culpa-for-one-sided-violent-video-g-508929371)** > > At the beginning of the month, Katie Couric got some heat from gamers over her one-sided, fear-mongering episode about violent game addiction. On Friday, Couric gave voice to those dissenters and issued a 'Mea Culpa' follow-up on her show. Please get your facts straight before you call a massive swath of people addicts. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/50 "2013-05-21T05:09:21Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > Let me guess, you’re single, right? > > It really pushes my buttons when someone disapproves of a harmless hobby. Especially when they make up lies to bolster their case. Hear hear! Online games are fun, and how I connect with a good friend from “back home”. But I certainly have no problem doing my chores, working a 40+hour week and so on, and they’ve never made me neglect a loved one. And I’m not a 13 year old boy, I’m a 54 year old grandma. So there! pppppbbbbttthhhbt (wait, was that 13 year old boyness?) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/51 "2013-05-21T05:59:15Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > And I’m not a 13 year old boy, I’m a 54 year old grandma. So there! pppppbbbbttthhhbt (wait, was that 13 year old boyness?) 😃 Oh no. I’m not sure when exactly does it peak, but “socialization” and “proper behavior” in women peaks sometime between our teens and our turning 40; eventually most of us start peeling it off bit by bit. Sounds like you’re well on your way to being all peeled up. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/52 "2013-05-21T10:08:41Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > To which my answer is: Instead of complaining to me about it, why aren’t you already on your way to get some? I’m not your servant and I’m quite sure you’re capable of both driving and shopping. In many cases, I think the answer is “Because I am responsible for the care of these small children. Going to the store to get some is an order of magnitude higher in terms of difficulty if I go with the children; there is no reason for me to do something that is an order of magnitude more difficult than it would be for you in order to avoid disturbing your leisure time. Therefore, you ought to either take over the care of these small children so that I can go to the store, or go to the store. I will be vague in my request so that you can volunteer for whichever duty you prefer: this is meant as a gesture of respect and compromise on my part”. Now, I will give you that many people are very, very bad at communicating that. But during the small-children years–what my mother calls “the duration”–people are a great deal more interdependent, and fostering and negotiating a healthy interdependence is the best way to manage. ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/53 "2013-05-21T13:55:47Z")
> [@](#): > > this is meant as a gesture of respect and compromise on my part". That’s a perfect description of my feelings about why I ask him when we’re leaving. However, I did take the advice upthread about just freakin’ telling him when we’re leaving, and NP. Well, there would have been no problem had he not missed his turn 🙂 So modus operandi going forward–I’ll just tell him. ---
**Author:** ![HipGnosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/76d3ee/32.png) [@HipGnosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HipGnosis)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/54 "2013-05-21T20:16:26Z")
> [@DummyGladHands](#): > > That’s a perfect description of my feelings about why I ask him when we’re leaving. However, I did take the advice upthread about just freakin’ telling him when we’re leaving, and NP. Well, there would have been no problem had he not missed his turn 🙂 > > So modus operandi going forward–I’ll just tell him. Dang, I’m to late. I was gonna say “leave when you’re ready to leave”. Assuming you both have cars. We’ll save that as ‘plan B’. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/55 "2013-05-21T20:29:18Z")
I have really learned over the years that MOST of the time when he says he’s going to do something…he will. Eventually. Not on MY schedule, but on his. So I’ve learned to let that go. However, some things do need to be done right away. Smelly garbage should be taken out quickly, and what man can’t at least take the smelly garbage out for his pregnant wife? DummyGladHands, I’d rather be 20 minutes early than 5 minutes late to almost anything, so I always set the time we leave, and he just follows. It works out best, especially since I do most of the driving. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/56 "2013-05-21T22:01:25Z")
One thing to try to keep in mind is that passive-aggressive people are in a way addicted to their own stupid-ass behavior. It’s a habit that is triggered by other people’s imagined or real impending judgement/criticism/anger (and of course, incites the same – circular). Like other addicts, they do not understand why they do something so obviously counterproductive, and don’t know how to stop. The very best thing you can do, is to try to set things up, both emotionally and physically, in such a way that the consequences he experiences have nothing to do with you. My husband was pathologically late for the first decade of our marriage. I learned to simply leave without him, on time, _ **cheerfully** _. “Bye hon! Time for me to go! Hope I see you there!” Do not help him get ready or remind him of the time. He’s a big boy. It is critical that you really go. Never threaten, never weaken, don’t get sucked in. Be happy but be ruthless. Plan to have a wonderful time without him if he can’t figure out how to get there. Do Not Blame. It makes them double down on the passive aggressive thing, it is exactly what they expect. Buy yourself an expensive dinner and enjoy it alone, if need be. The more cheerful and less angry you are, the more emotional space it creates for him to stop doing it. Also, it is immensely freeing for you too. In fact you can have a whole lot of fun with it. I wish you the best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![R3d\_Anonymous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aeb1de/32.png) [@R3d\_Anonymous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R3d_Anonymous)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/57 "2013-05-21T22:12:18Z")
**Ulfreida** , what was his reaction when you did that? ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704/58 "2013-05-22T00:30:29Z")
> [@Anonymous User](#): > > **Ulfreida** , what was his reaction when you did that? He initially was extremely alarmed, as if I intended to abandon him entirely. Then he got really really angry (but, I was still cheerful. I’m not responsible for your anger, buddy. But I didn’t say that. “Sorry, I just wanted to be there! Oh well!”). Then he stopped being late. Just stopped, allofasudden. Never went back to it. The cheerfulness was the key. His pattern didn’t how to deal with it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/theres-one-small-thing-you-ask-your-partner-spouse-to-do-they-wont-passive-aggressive/658704.md?page=2)