# There've been no squcky autopsy threads lately **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 26, 2006, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298 "2006-05-26T10:22:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/41 "2006-05-26T15:27:43Z")
> [@gabriela](#): > > Ivylass, I have great respect for you, but if you’re the nausea kind of person, things are going to get squcky real fast now. Please feel free to leave the room. Don’t feel you have to ask if you feel lightheaded; just go. The bathrooms are just outside the autopsy suite. I’ll be okay as long as I don’t have to dig my hands into anything icky. I’ll shut my eyes if I have to. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/42 "2006-05-26T15:29:09Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Don’t you have to be ducking out to the warehouse to assist Woody in catching that perp? Oh, you mean police work outside of the lab is not part of the coroner’s job? Silly TV shows! Why would I ever want to leave the nice air-conditioned lab for the grody part of police work? Especially since the REALLY FUN part is about to begin! Uhh… **indecisive1?** _ **indecisive1??** _ ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/43 "2006-05-26T15:30:21Z")
> [@gabriela](#): > > Hmm. How come there’s already blood on these supposedly unused scalpel blades? And why do **WhyNot** and **Draelin** have big pressure dressings on their thumbs? _points at **WhyNot** _ That was totally her fault. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/44 "2006-05-26T15:30:42Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > I’ll be okay as long as I don’t have to dig my hands into anything icky. I’ll shut my eyes if I have to. Brave girl. Well! As your reward would you like to make the y-shaped incision? It’s fun for newbies, and I’ve made so many of them it’s no longer a thrill for me. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/45 "2006-05-26T15:32:06Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > _points at **WhyNot** _ That was totally her fault. Whosever fault it was, I’m assuming you’re neither of you in a mood to try out making your first y-shaped incision. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/46 "2006-05-26T15:32:40Z")
Uppercase, **Ivy**. _nods knowingly_ Uppercase Y. I watch too much erroneous TV. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/47 "2006-05-26T15:33:55Z")
> [@gabriela](#): > > … Hey! Hal! Quit it! This is a doctor’s exam! > > We’ll just say normal female without external signs of trauma for the rest. Normal female, yeah, but of what species??? If Hal’s after her, I suspect you must be in the process of doing your first ovine autopsy :eek: 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lissla\_Lissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lissla\_Lissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissla_Lissar)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/48 "2006-05-26T15:36:47Z")
Here’s your scalpels. Did I get the right ones? ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/49 "2006-05-26T15:39:33Z")
> [@Mama Zappa](#): > > Normal female, yeah, but of what species??? If Hal’s after her, I suspect you must be in the process of doing your first ovine autopsy :eek: 😉 This is an insult to **indecisive1** , and I hope as such it wakes her up, because this is the first autopsy I’ve ever done where I am holding up the process waiting for the word from the principal. **indecisive1** , are you ready? You didn’t faint from that great big needle under your collarbone, did you? Because it’s going to get worse. It’s scalpel time. Last chance to hop off the gurney and run screaming! ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/50 "2006-05-26T15:42:29Z")
> [@Lissla Lissar](#): > > Here’s your scalpels. Did I get the right ones? No, darling, though I appreciate the effort, these are sterile disposable scalpels. We can keep one alongside in case we feel we need to do a sterile spleen stab and swab for infectious diseases, although I have to say indecisive1 didn’t look at all infectious to me. But be prepared, is my motto. The advantage to the disposables is they come with the blade already on, so you don’t have to watch your brand-new assistants practically cutting off their thumbs as they argue about the right way to slide the blades on the non-dispo handles. **Draelin, WhyNot** : please remember that when we phone 911 to ask them to send an ambulance to the morgue, they assume it’s a prank call and hang up on us. Do be careful. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/51 "2006-05-26T15:50:03Z")
That’s OK, I don’t think I can dial a phone with these dressings all over my fingers. \*pokes \*\*Draelin \*_with her toe_ Hey, where are those big shiny freezer drawers? Can we lie in 'em? What’s this thing do? When do we go to lunch? Are we done yet? _slips on a bloody rag, falls over and conks her head on the floor, rendering herself unconscious_ ---
**Author:** ![Lissla\_Lissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lissla\_Lissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissla_Lissar)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/52 "2006-05-26T15:52:43Z")
Right. Ouch. Okay. Here we go. I think these are done right. Here you go. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/53 "2006-05-26T15:57:52Z")
Hey, guys, how’s it going? Whatcha doin’? Whoa, is that lady dead? No? What’re you doing with her then? Autopsy? On a live person? Wow, this should be exciting! Mind if I join? I’ve always enjoyed dissections. Is there anything I can do to help? Oo, this is so cool! ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/54 "2006-05-26T16:05:16Z")
You know, we’ve poked indecisive1, we’ve yelled at her, we’ve insulted her, and I’ve forgotten to bold her name at least four times, and we’re getting no response. Maybe she hasn’t fainted. Maybe she’s dead! Yayy! Ivylass, pick up one of Lissa Lisslar’s scalpels and proceed! Start on the top of the shoulder and go right down to a point over the lower breastbone. (I’ll use English instead of medical words for you since I see you’re new.) Do the same thing on the other shoulder, joining the two cuts. Now straight down from there to the pubic bone. Avoid the bellybutton by taking just the slightest little zigzag around it to the left. Always to the left. That’s the PATIENT’s left, Ivylass. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/55 "2006-05-26T16:06:28Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > That’s OK, I don’t think I can dial a phone with these dressings all over my fingers. > > \*pokes \*\*Draelin \*_with her toe_ > > Hey, where are those big shiny freezer drawers? Can we lie in 'em? What’s this thing do? When do we go to lunch? Are we done yet? > > _slips on a bloody rag, falls over and conks her head on the floor, rendering herself unconscious_ **Draelin** , do NOT kick **WhyNot** when she’s done. Just leave her lie there. She’ll wake up. Eventually. If she doesn’t, she’s fourth up on the table. **Ivylass**? You are making the y-shaped incision, aren’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/56 "2006-05-26T16:07:02Z")
> [@gabriela](#): > > Avoid the bellybutton by taking just the slightest little zigzag around it to the left. Always to the left. > > That’s the PATIENT’s left, Ivylass. _raises hand_ So, why to the left? _shoves **WhyNot’s** drawer closed_ ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/57 "2006-05-26T16:09:15Z")
> [@The Weird One](#): > > Hey, guys, how’s it going? Whatcha doin’? Whoa, is that lady dead? No? What’re you doing with her then? Autopsy? On a live person? Wow, this should be exciting! Mind if I join? I’ve always enjoyed dissections. Is there anything I can do to help? Oo, this is so cool! Could you help **Ivylass** make the incision? She’s so tentative I almost can’t tell she’s making a cut. You can start the cut with the tip of the blade, but after that it’s belly all the way, and I want to see you go deeper than dermis. I want to see subcutaneous fat! I want to see all the way down to muscle! I want to see the pectoralis major divided and I want to see that scalpel nick rib! Drop and give me fifty, maggot! Uh, sorry, not you. I was talking to the maggots over in the big shiny freezer drawers where we keep the decomposed unidentified bodies. I think maybe that’s why **WhyNot** went down; she just wants us to think it was a bloody rag underfoot. Oh, and **TWeirdO** : when you get past the chest to the abdomen, don’t cut quite so hard and deep, because if you do you’ll - ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/58 "2006-05-26T16:11:02Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > _raises hand_ So, why to the left? > > _shoves **WhyNot’s** drawer closed_ Because the ligament in the falx hepatis that was the umbilical vein in the fetus runs to the right, and we want to get into the habit of leaving it intact, so we can check it for patency in our babies and our alcoholics with the caput medusae. You know, it’s forty degrees F in that freezer. She probably can’t lie in there a long time without freezing to death. Just mentioning. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/59 "2006-05-26T16:12:23Z")
> [@gabriela](#): > > Oh, and **TWeirdO** : when you get past the chest to the abdomen, don’t cut quite so hard and deep, because if you do you’ll - - you’ll pop the transverse colon, and - Oh. Dear. Well, it’s no big deal, because she’s dead, and that means we don’t care if we’ve contaminated the peritoneal cavity with shit. Go ahead and clean it out, and I’ll show you how to take the guts out. There are two main ways: mesenteric bouquet, and take down the bowel. I like the second. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/60 "2006-05-26T16:14:27Z")
> [@gabriela](#): > > Because the ligament in the falx hepatis that was the umbilical vein in the fetus runs to the right, and we want to get into the habit of leaving it intact, so we can check it for patency in our babies and our alcoholics with the caput medusae. Oooh, Medusa babies. I knew there was a good reason. > [@](#): > > You know, it’s forty degrees F in that freezer. She probably can’t lie in there a long time without freezing to death. Just mentioning. Oh, fine. _opens the drawer_ **WhyNot** , you’re missing the _Medusa babies_!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298.md?page=4)