# There've been no squcky autopsy threads lately **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 26, 2006, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298 "2006-05-26T10:22:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![YaWanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/bbce88/32.png) [@YaWanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaWanna)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/81 "2006-05-26T16:55:22Z")
Excuse me, doc - I’m having a little trouble hearing you in back, and all the tall people are in front of me, so I can’t really see too much. Do you have something I can stand on? A stool or something, maybe. Hey, can I use this? ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/82 "2006-05-26T16:55:59Z")
> [@gabriela](#): > > It would squck me out if it was still beating. I get the feeling that it’s very hard to do that to a medical examiner. 🙂 Okay, scalp’s cut. I nicked her ear, but they can totally cover that with makeup, or arrange her hair artfully in the casket. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/83 "2006-05-26T16:59:07Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > I get the feeling that it’s very hard to do that to a medical examiner. 🙂 > > Okay, scalp’s cut. I nicked her ear, but they can totally cover that with makeup, or arrange her hair artfully in the casket. Very good, **Draelin**. You are definitely a Miss Autopsy America. Now force your thumbs under her scalp and peel it forward, until it’s inside out completely over her face. You may have to use your scalpel to loosen up the temporalis muscles on each side of her head. Just scrape them right off. Don’t worry about the occasional nick or buttonhole. The funeral home guys are very good at fixing that. Right, **Harvey the Heavy?** ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/84 "2006-05-26T17:00:12Z")
> [@YaWanna](#): > > Excuse me, doc - I’m having a little trouble hearing you in back, and all the tall people are in front of me, so I can’t really see too much. Do you have something I can stand on? A stool or something, maybe. > > Hey, can I use this? Do you want to stand on the mobile stairs we use for photographs, or on the next autopsy table over? Hell, pull up a footstool, put on a gown and some gloves, and get your fingers wet! Always room for one more. Somebody please ask me, “What are those things you are using to cut her ribcage open with?” ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/85 "2006-05-26T17:01:51Z")
> [@gabriela](#): > > Now force your thumbs under her scalp and peel it forward, until it’s inside out completely over her face. I’m guessing it’s bad to try and make a hand puppet out of it as I do so? Yeah, I thought it might be. I’ll cut that out now. What are those things you’re using to cut her ribcage open with? ---
**Author:** ![YaWanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/bbce88/32.png) [@YaWanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaWanna)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/86 "2006-05-26T17:02:51Z")
OK, I’m game. I don’t have much finger strength, though - tendinitis & possibly some arthritis. So - what _are_ those things you used to cut open the ribcage? ---
**Author:** ![indecisive1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/41988e/32.png) [@indecisive1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/indecisive1)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/87 "2006-05-26T17:06:33Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > I feel like I just won the Miss America Pagent, only grosser!! I’ll do the scalp incision. Do I get to take her face off? 'Cause that’d be cool. If not, I’d be happy to just take off the top of her head. Can I keep her hair? **Dray**! I AM NOT DEAD! I am hovering over everyone taking notes. I know where you post, and I forget nothing. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/88 "2006-05-26T17:06:35Z")
**Draelin, YaWanna** , you’re both good sorts. You know that? These are hedge clippers. No kidding, we bought them at Loew’s, ten bucks each. You see, medical rib cutters are $100 and up, we don’t have much money being as we’re a government-run agency, and, well, they work… **YaWanna** , grab that syringe and see if you can aspirate the bile out of her gall bladder for Tox. It’s right under the edge of her liver; it’s the green balloon-shaped thing. **Draelin** , today’s your lucky day. Fire up the Stryker; you get to take the top off her cranium. It’s brain time! Did **Lissa** ever find the appendix? Sheesh, I gotta do everything around here. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/89 "2006-05-26T17:07:43Z")
> [@indecisive1](#): > > **Dray**! I AM NOT DEAD! I am hovering over everyone taking notes. I know where you post, and I forget nothing. You came back! You came back! I thought you were gone! Forever! Welcome back. Any questions so far? What do you like best about your, um, body? ---
**Author:** ![YaWanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/bbce88/32.png) [@YaWanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaWanna)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/90 "2006-05-26T17:11:47Z")
Wow, I’ve been poked plenty o’ times, but I’ve never got to be the poke-_er_. Cool! Say, when you get a chance, would you show me the thyroid gland? I’m curious, since I’m hypothyroid & all. Thanks. Oh, uh, what do I do with this thing now that it’s full? ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/91 "2006-05-26T17:11:54Z")
> [@indecisive1](#): > > **Dray**! I AM NOT DEAD! I am hovering over everyone taking notes. I know where you post, and I forget nothing. Well, I wasn’t going to keep it _forever_ … just long enough to scare my roommate. Look out brain, here I come!!! So, I just take this bone-cutty thing and go to town? I assume I’m not supposed to actually hit the brain, since she’ll need it in the future, right? ---
**Author:** ![indecisive1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/41988e/32.png) [@indecisive1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/indecisive1)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/92 "2006-05-26T17:14:59Z")
oh shit i don’t feel so good. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/93 "2006-05-26T17:30:02Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > Well, I wasn’t going to keep it _forever_ … just long enough to scare my roommate. > > Look out brain, here I come!!! So, I just take this bone-cutty thing and go to town? I assume I’m not supposed to actually hit the brain, since she’ll need it in the future, right? Your roommate scares easy. Now here is one of the secrets of the trade. Don’t go in a straight level line right across the bones of the forehead. Go level until you get close to the midline, then angle the saw and cut a little notch. You see, if you cut straight across the way I first did when I was learning, sometimes after you close the scalp, the whole cranial cap slides forward, and you get this huge ledge under the skin. First time I did that, the tech looks at the body and goes, “Doc, you _franked_ him!” As in frankenstein. The notch prevents the forward slide. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/94 "2006-05-26T17:32:21Z")
You have the coolest job ever. _le sigh_ I should have gone to med school. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/95 "2006-05-26T17:35:49Z")
> [@YaWanna](#): > > Wow, I’ve been poked plenty o’ times, but I’ve never got to be the poke-_er_. Cool! > > Say, when you get a chance, would you show me the thyroid gland? I’m curious, since I’m hypothyroid & all. Thanks. > > Oh, uh, what do I do with this thing now that it’s full? Squirt it into the clear plastic tube labeled ‘bile’. Make sure you close it with the special top; the regular black plastic tops get eaten away by the bile acids, and come off. Sure, I’ll show you the thyroid. First I gotta elevate the chest flap - somebody give me a sharp scalpel, willya? Hm… hm… there. Now see how carefully I gotta go round the neck with the blade to free up the skin without accidentally poking through. That’s called a buttonhole, and it’s not nice if you do it. Nobody jog my elbow. **DRAE**! Dammit! Sorry, **Harvey**. Okay, you see all these strap muscles of the neck? Me and the ENT surgeons, we’re the only docs who have to actually know their names. Everyone else calls 'em strap muscles. I have to know them because these are the muscles that turn bloody and bruised in a strangling. The ENT docs have to know them because they cut them to get to the thyroid. But they have such clever names. They’re all named in Latin for where they come from, and where they go to. Take this one, while I sever it and peel it upward, this is the sternocleidomastoid. Comes from the sternum and the collarbone (clavicle in Latin, cleido- in Greek) and goes to the mastoid process, behind your ear. What could be simpler and clearer? This one’s next, it’s the sternohyoid. Peel it up. These paired ones are the thyrohyoids; as soon as I peel them up, you’ll see the thyroid, crouching like a waiting spider around the trachea. If a spider were butterfly shaped. And sorta meaty, if you get my drift. These two slanty muscles out here are the omohyoids. Smartass medical student once asked me, if everything in the neck is named for where it comes from and where it goes to, and these go to the hyoid bone, where’s the omo? Had to get my husband to look it up. Class, anyone? ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/96 "2006-05-26T17:36:52Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > You have the coolest job ever. _le sigh_ I should have gone to med school. I think **Winston Smith** has openings without the long wait for credentialing. ---
**Author:** ![YaWanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/bbce88/32.png) [@YaWanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaWanna)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/97 "2006-05-26T17:39:55Z")
I’m stumped. Oto- is ear-related, right? Never heard of omo. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/98 "2006-05-26T17:41:54Z")
> [@gabriela](#): > > **DRAE**! Dammit! Sorry. **WhyNot** jiggled my arm. Yeah, that’s it. > [@](#): > > Smartass medical student once asked me, if everything in the neck is named for where it comes from and where it goes to, and these go to the hyoid bone, where’s the omo? Had to get my husband to look it up. > > Class, anyone? I think this is a trick question, but I’ll look up the answer when I get back from lunch. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/99 "2006-05-26T17:42:46Z")
Okay, I’m gonna have to leave in a few minutes to go meet a lawyer about something unrelated we’re doing (excited!), so this is what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna slide the scalpel right under the skin of the neck in the midline until the tip hits the jaw from underneath. Bonk. There it is. Okay, I deflect the tip just a tiny bit downward and slide it upward so it just misses the jawbone, and here I am poking my blade out under the tongue. I slide the blade back and forth until I’ve got a good little hole. Then I extract the scalpel, put my fingers in the hole, tug it wider in all directions, grab the tip of the tongue, and pull downwards. Observe how this makes the tip of the tongue stick down into her neck. Now I use a combination of blunt finger force and scalpel to cut the remaining pieces of flesh that attach the back of the tongue, and I can pull the whole thing down from underneath her jawbone, still attached to the trachea and esophagus, with the hyoid, and with all those funny strap muscles hanging off it. I’m gonna pull down until the neck contents reach the thoracic inlet, where I will stop to sever the carotids right at the aortic arch, also the subclavians, and now we can all grab the throat contents and pull hard, and as soon as we dissect off the diaphragms, whoomp, there it is. We’ve just eviscerated the organs en bloc. Let’s put them on the cutting board off to the right, pack her in ice, and I’ll be back around five, eastern USA standard time. We can leave her her brain until then. ---
**Author:** ![YaWanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/bbce88/32.png) [@YaWanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaWanna)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298/100 "2006-05-26T17:43:59Z")
I kinda doubt we’ll get 3 autopsies in today at this rate. Damn, I was really looking forward to cuttin’ up a guy! _winks and grins evilly at **Hal Briston** _ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thereve-been-no-squcky-autopsy-threads-lately/358298.md?page=6)