# Things I Have Learnt From Comic Books **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 8, 2007, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148 "2007-04-08T01:40:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/1 "2007-04-08T01:40:23Z")
In keeping with the recent trend… Super powers alone are not enough to fight crime. You also need a colorful costume and a silly codename. Regardless of what other abilities they have, all super heroes have the power to look good in spandex tights. Female superheroes don’t have to worry about how scanty their costume is. Nothing will ever slip out accidentally. You have to have a secret identity but don’t worry about having to put a lot of work into it. Just throw on a wig or a domino eyemask and your closest friends won’t recognize you. If you have super powers, you only have two career choices; you can fight crimes or you can commit crimes. You cannot use your powers for any activity that doesn’t involve crime. Regardless of how powerful you are - even if you have godlike abilities - the best use of your powers is to fight common street crimes. Don’t try to do things like end hunger or war or disease or terrorism or even white collar crimes - stick to muggings and bank robberies. You can have a fulltime career, an active social life, and still have time to fight crime on a regular basis. Sleep is unnecessary. Most people with superpowers will be between the ages of 20 to 35. Many will be teenagers. A rare few will be around the age of fifty. Children and senior citizens do not have super powers. All superheroes and supervillains operate in New York City. Leave the rest of the country alone. The passage of time can be ignored. It’s possible to have fought Al Capone, Adolf Hitler, the Vietcong, and Al Qaeda without aging a year. Death is only a temporary inconvenience. You’ll be back. ---
**Author:** ![RikWriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/49beb7/32.png) [@RikWriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RikWriter)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/2 "2007-04-08T01:45:13Z")
[QUOTE=Little Nemo] If you have super powers, you only have two career choices; you can fight crimes or you can commit crimes. You cannot use your powers for any activity that doesn’t involve crime. [/QUOTE] There’ve been some notable exceptions to this lately…many supers are now taking alternate career paths such as private investigation and working as political operatives for various governments. > [@](#): > > Regardless of how powerful you are - even if you have godlike abilities - the best use of your powers is to fight common street crimes. Don’t try to do things like end hunger or war or disease or terrorism or even white collar crimes - stick to muggings and bank robberies. This has also been explored…the consensus of this exploration is that if supers try to do these things, people will start looking at them as interloping, inhuman invaders. ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/3 "2007-04-08T01:49:40Z")
If something goes massively wrong, you can always reboot. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/4 "2007-04-08T01:54:44Z")
No matter how powerful you are, there’s always an evil genius who has figured out how to kill you, and would except for a miscalculation or the timely intervention of some other superhero. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/5 "2007-04-08T01:59:29Z")
There is another you in an alternate timeline or parallel universe. After a few decades one or the other of you will be eliminated in an effort to resolve conflicting continuities. As referenced above, that won’t stay that way forever, either. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/6 "2007-04-08T02:04:35Z")
Alien chicks are hot. If you have a group of 4 scientists, 1 will try to destroy the world, 1 will threaten it with destruction accidentally, 1 will save it from those two, and 1 will have a horrible accident that will give him, or someone close to him, superpowers. Medical doctors are evil. Massive doses of radiation will not kill you. > [@](#): > > All superheroes and supervillains operate in New York City. Leave the rest of the country alone. Only in the Marvel universe. DC’s got them all down both coasts of the US, scattered through the middle, and with some fairly major names spread across the rest of the world. It’s CANADA that’s got ripped off. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/7 "2007-04-08T02:19:22Z")
[QUOTE=Tengu] It’s CANADA that’s got ripped off. [/QUOTE] [Alpha Flight.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alpha_Flight) And [Wolverine](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolverine_%28comics%29)!! ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/8 "2007-04-08T02:39:15Z")
[QUOTE=silenus] [Alpha Flight.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alpha_Flight) And [Wolverine](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolverine_%28comics%29)!! [/QUOTE] They’re Marvel. Ain’t no Canuck supers in the DCU. Also, Alpha Flight is dead, and Omega Flight is full of yanks. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/9 "2007-04-08T02:52:31Z")
Superman is a dick. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/10 "2007-04-08T02:54:06Z")
Batman’s always prepared. (As for Canadian DCU superheroes, there’s [Centrix](http://www.dcuguide.com/who.php?name=centrix), but he gets only one appearance…) ---
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/11 "2007-04-08T02:54:29Z")
[QUOTE=Tengu] They’re Marvel. Ain’t no Canuck supers in the DCU. Also, Alpha Flight is dead, and Omega Flight is full of yanks. [/QUOTE] Yeah, when your Canadian superteam is led by a guy named “U.S. Agent”, you’ve just been pimp-slapped by your neighbor. Interesting that DC really doesn’t have any notable folks from there. ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/12 "2007-04-08T03:01:47Z")
When alone, everyone talks to themselves. It’s easy for two people to carry on a lengthy, unhurried conversation while simultaneously beating the crap out of each other. Pretty much all of mythology is unadulterated historical fact. Only Americans can have superheroic identities that don’t specifically allude to their homeland. If you’re from Easter Island, you’d damn well better have big stone head-related powers. Surprisingly often, the simplest way to resolve a problem is to create a new chemical element with miraculous properties. All new chemical elements have miraculous properties. Pupils are not essential for sight. Underpants are indestructible. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/13 "2007-04-08T03:55:43Z")
[QUOTE=Tengu] Alien chicks are hot. [/QUOTE] And alien guys are _not_. Nine times out of ten, robots and AIs are evil, or will turn evil. Artificial or robotic eyes are always red. If someone strong enough to lift tanks and hard enough that bullets bounce off flicks you in the head with a finger, you’ll be neatly knocked unconscious, not killed with a finger sized hole in your head. Even ordinary people can be fly thirty feet into a wall or through a door without breaking a bone. You can pick up a mob of a dozen people and toss them away without injuring them. There’s no such thing as bruises; no matter how bad the beating, at most you’ll look a little scuffed up. If you find a villain robbing a business, it’s perfectly reasonable to level the business to the ground in the resulting fight in order to save it. Even if half a town is leveled in a hero/villain fight, nobody dies. Killing Is Wrong, even in war or self defense, or defense of the whole universe. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/14 "2007-04-08T04:28:12Z")
Men’s metal, full plate body armor is bulky and intimidating. Women’s metal, full plate body armor is as thin, flexible, and form-fitting as spandex. Superhumanly strong men require Arnold Schwarzenegger-style muscle bulk and definition; superhumanly strong women require no unusual muscle bulk or definition (_heh_ my favorite being 11- or 12-year-old Molly from _Runaways_, who once knocked Wolverine through a heavy door and across the street.) With great power comes great angsty personal problems. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/15 "2007-04-08T04:32:53Z")
If you have super powers, running around in skintight leotards somehow seems the natural thing to do, for some reason. If you’re female and have superpowers, you will almost invariably also have a really nice rack. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/16 "2007-04-08T04:47:59Z")
[QUOTE=Der Trihs] If you find a villain robbing a business, it’s perfectly reasonable to level the business to the ground in the resulting fight in order to save it. [/QUOTE] And of course, you will never be sued for this or anything else you might do. Even though tabloid reporters can locate the childhood girlfriends of minor movie stars in two days, for some reason the secret identities of people who live in the middle of Manhattan stay secret in perpetuity. Having superpowers gives you an unbelievable body, the kind that could enable a second career as a model. A woman with superpowers is given a skinny waist with large yet perky breasts. Men get huge pecs and biceps. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/17 "2007-04-08T05:03:11Z")
> [@Little Nemo](#): > > If you have super powers, you only have two career choices; you can fight crimes or you can commit crimes. You cannot use your powers for any activity that doesn’t involve crime. Ehhh… Multiple Man is a lab assistant, and doesn’t have anything to do with crime. Apart from that, yeah, it’s always bothered me that none of them ever want to do anything else. (And excepting the Atom and Yellowjacket) > [@Little Nemo](#): > > Most people with superpowers will be between the ages of 20 to 35. Many will be teenagers. A rare few will be around the age of fifty. Children and senior citizens do not have super powers. Wrong. Power Pack, four little kids with decent powers; Wildcat, Alan Scott (Green Lantern), and Jay Garrick (original Flash) are all at least in their sixties, and Captain America is considerably older; Wolverine beats them all, having been born sometime in the 19th century. By and large, though, maturity and physical resilience are kind of required for that lifestyle. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/18 "2007-04-08T05:12:34Z")
Hmm. Has there ever been a (reasonably) popular parodic superhero comic, one which gleefully plays with the genre conventions? I can’t imagine that there hasn’t been such, but I dunno… ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/19 "2007-04-08T05:17:40Z")
If two superheroes meet for the first time, they just gotta get off on the wrong foot and beat each other senseless for six pages, before resolving their differences and deciding to team up. Sooner or later, you’re gonna have to go toe-to-toe with an evil clone/duplicate/alien/robot/alternate dimension version of yourself. This goes double if you have nigh on godlike powers. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148/20 "2007-04-08T05:38:35Z")
A man with the muscles of an NFL linebacker will also have the flexibility of a fifteen year old female gymnast. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-have-learnt-from-comic-books/399148.md?page=2)