# Things I Thought When I Was a Kid **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 3, 2002, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166 "2002-08-03T13:11:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Adridne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ccd318/32.png) [@Adridne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Adridne)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2002, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/81 "2002-08-07T22:56:27Z")
Americans live in America. Therefore, Canadians live in Canadia. ---
**Author:** ![Trancey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Trancey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trancey)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2002, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/82 "2002-08-07T23:08:31Z")
i used to scream at my parents in the car when they drank anything cuz the commerical always said, no drinking and driving id be like STOP DRINKING JUICE UR GONNA KILL US ALL ---
**Author:** ![Winnie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e480ec/32.png) [@Winnie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winnie)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/83 "2002-08-08T01:31:59Z")
Black people were chocolate people and white people were vanilla people. What other way did I have to compare that to? I was deathly afraid of burritos (not anymore) I believed that if you wished really hard a baby would appear in your stomach. It was all I could do to not wish really hard just to see if it would happen. I thought that America HAD to be the only place in the world where anybody lived. My dad won $100 in Vegas once and I was positive he’d be bringing home boxes and boxes of money like in the cartoons. The big piles of salt and gravel near the factories in Pennsylvania and New Jersey were piles of snow. Even in August. I saved the previous year’s calendars after New Year’s Day because I figured 1983 would come back around again sometime. I believed that all my stuffed animals and dolls had souls and I refused to sleep until they were all laying down ready to sleep with me. If I woke up and one was upside down or face down under a pillow I became very distraught that they might die. Parents and dogs never die. Heaven was like the manger Mom set up at Christmas… everyone hangs out kneeling in front of Jesus praying all day long among the donkeys and wise men. ---
**Author:** ![Johnre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c0e974/32.png) [@Johnre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnre)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/84 "2002-08-08T02:28:54Z")
> [@](#): > > Oh, and I just wanted to point out that Johnre registered in June 2001 but just used his first post in this thread. That may well be an all-time lurking record. I wondered how long it would take for someone to notice that. Oddly enough people have called me a lurker in “real life” too. Probably because I don’t _always_ feel I have to say something if it doesn’t add to the conversation. So is there some cool plaque or something for the all-time lurking record?😉 ---
**Author:** ![TeaElle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@TeaElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeaElle)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/85 "2002-08-08T03:28:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mephisto \* > \*\*Oh, and there really were crocodiles under my bed. \*\* For me, the crocodiles were _in_ my bed, under the sheets. If I stayed very, very still, they wouldn’t bother me. They snuck out and ate the cookies out of the jar (the ones that my father really ate without telling my mother) during the day when everyone was at school and work. This is what happens when you grow up with a very lumpy mattress. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/86 "2002-08-08T04:11:47Z")
A mirror in the living room in the home I spent my early childhood (until the age of seven) in would take me to my kindergarten if I went through it somehow. I was terribly acrophobic when I was younger (I still am to some extent), and I thought that as I grew up I would become so tall I’d be afraid to look down. Well, I have hit six feet. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/87 "2002-08-08T04:13:56Z")
I too thought there was a monster under the bed that would get me unless I was completely covered. I also thought that there was a monster in the basement waiting to get me. The soft ‘whuff’ of the water heater starting was its noise, just reminding me that it was still around. Earlier, I used to be afraid of the ‘clutches’. These were great hands that would come down out of the top left and top right corners to grab me and… I was always too scared to imagine the rest. My first actual memory is of waking from a nightmare that had these clutches in them, reaching down to get me. There was also a terrifying buzzing light on the end of the crib above my feet. I opened my eyes and looked at my crib and the images were still vivid in my mind. I was born way premature and spent the first three months of my life in an incubator. Last year, someone pointed out that these incubators have gloves that protrude through their walls so the attendants can rearrange things without breaking the sterile seal. It’s quite possible that the clutches are memories of those gloves. I know where the _name_ came from though: When we were playing games, Mom always used to say, “I’ve got you in my clutches…” ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/88 "2002-08-08T04:26:43Z")
**Sunspace** , that has got to be one of the coolest, creepiest things I have ever heard. Ever. Wow. Clutches. Now I’m gonna have nightmares. ---
**Author:** ![Babar714](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Babar714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babar714)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/89 "2002-08-08T05:24:12Z")
I keep having nightmares about popping out of a clam. Think that means anything? ---
**Author:** ![Lyllyan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b2d939/32.png) [@Lyllyan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lyllyan)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/90 "2002-08-08T06:01:11Z")
All radio preformances were live. Tv was, of course, recorded. Sheets had to cover your shoulders or “something” would get you. I could never figure out how people in China managed not to fall off the Earth. I was related to Jesus because we shared a birthday. I could understand animals and could speak to them through mental telepathy. That the A/C in the car (a 69 Chevy with aftermarket air), had a huge block of ice in it. That if everyone in the world took their fans outside and pointed them in the same direction, it would create a gigantic wind. That dead people could feel you walk on their graves, and you had to ask permission first. ---
**Author:** ![Caesar\_s\_Ghost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/73ab20/32.png) [@Caesar\_s\_Ghost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caesar_s_Ghost)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/91 "2002-08-08T07:29:41Z")
I thought that when the police pulled someone over on the highway, they were actually pulling you over. I envisioned a cop car coming up behind a car and that car flipping over and over to the side of the road. I thought that once you got out of high school all you had to do was say “I want to be this” and you would get that job. As others, I thought we were on TV all the time. When I saw a TV show, I was just watching other people’s lives, and when they turned on the TV, they watched our lives. People in China and Australia walked on their hands and EVERYTHING was backwards there. EVERYTHING. At school, the swingset was behind the volleyball net and a pile of white volleyballs would often be sitting next to it. I thought that if I concentrated really really hard, I could move the volleyball at the bottom, causing a wonderful cascade. When I was in 2nd grade, my teacher played a recording of MLK Jr.'s “I have a dream” speech, then told us he was dead. For the life of me, I could not figure this out. We just heard this guy talking in the box. How could he do THAT if he was dead? Huh? Huh? Silly teacher. ---
**Author:** ![Caesar\_s\_Ghost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/73ab20/32.png) [@Caesar\_s\_Ghost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caesar_s_Ghost)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/92 "2002-08-08T07:31:01Z")
[quote] At school, the swingset was behind the volleyball net and a pile of white volleyballs would often be sitting next to it. I thought that if I concentrated really really hard, I could move the volleyball at the bottom, causing a wonderful cascade.\* In this, I meant to say that I had to concentrate while swinging, and only if I was really high in the air, because that’s how it would work. That’s just how it was, so there. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Alice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Alice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/93 "2002-08-08T13:09:13Z")
When I was a child I asked my godfather how sheep manage to scamper up hills with such agility. He told me that farmers docked their legs on one side at the same time as docking their tails, so their legs were shorter on one side than the other. For a long while I wondered how the sheep got back down the hill once they reached the top. I also believed (due to some other irresponsible adult) that haggis were small guinea-pig like animals that found (and hunted) in the Scottish highlands. ---
**Author:** ![Babar714](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Babar714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babar714)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/94 "2002-08-08T13:35:22Z")
Wow. I am honored to have so many (well, two) first time posters in my thead. Very cool. ---
**Author:** ![Martiju](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@Martiju](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martiju)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/95 "2002-08-08T15:28:32Z")
> [@](#): > > When I was little, we used to drive all over the country because my dad was big on roadtrips. I would lay in the backseat and look out at the sky through the windows and wherever we went, the sun would follow. I put two and two together and realized that I, and I alone, controlled the sun. I was similarly self-absorbed when I was a child. My name is Julian and when I was small I was convinced that the national flag was called the Julian Jack (Union Jack). I was most pleased when I was four because everyone hung my flag out…the Queen’s Silver Jubilee had nothing to do with it!!! On the same lines, I remember when I was about the same age meeting someone else with my name. I thought he knew what I was called and was just winding me up. I think I told my mum of him and she eventually convinced me of the truth… Julian (not quite as unique as he thought!) ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/96 "2002-08-08T16:40:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Babar714 \* > \*\*My other brother, Ryan, told me all about the 6 Star Wars movies, and that the first three were direct-to-video movies and weren’t very good (he was confused about the Episode IV thing.) > > My mom thought it would be a good idea for me to attend a youth/church/workshop kinda thing. My oldest brother, Dustin, four years older than me, told me how to be cool and how to make friends and meet girls while I was there. He slicked my hair back and put a Burger King crown on me, and gave me a kinda frontal rat tail thing. He told me to tell everybody my name was King Squigy. I had even seen a few episodes of Laverne and Shirley, so I even did the voice. I spent a whole class like that. They weren’t too upset when I didn’t come back. > > Dustin and Ryan also crushed a bunch of granulated sugar up with a hammer and made me snort it. And made me drink a jar of pickle juice to get into their club. And, when we played ‘Comando’ and got dressed up in cammo and put shoe polish on our faces and everything, Dustin would do my face paint. I spent the whole day playing with ‘Dipshit’ in shoepolish on my forehead. > > So when I was a kid, I believed my older brothers weren’t complete assholes. \*\* IMHO rules prohibit me from saying what goshdarned felching bullpucky-for-brains rat bastards I think your brothers were. ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/97 "2002-08-08T16:45:57Z")
I’ve mentioned these here before, but it was long ago in a thread sunk far, far out of sight, so I’ll mention these again here. You could “catch” a broken leg from someone. Probably this came from the fact that people with broken bones went to the hospital, hospitals were for sick people, and sickness was contagious. Ergo, a broken leg was a sickness, and contagious. If you stopped watching a TV program in the middle you could go back any time later and watch the rest of it. NB this was the early 60’s, long before people had VCR’s. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/98 "2002-08-08T19:30:11Z")
I thought everyone was Catholic and the Pope was like the President, only moreso. He was the boss of everyone. I was probably 7 or 8 before I realized that not everyone was Catholic. StG ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2002, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/99 "2002-08-09T02:47:09Z")
**blowero** , I thought the same about steering wheel wobbles while driving straight. I tried real hard to figure out how my parents knew how to get somewhere when driving. I guessed they used binoculars to see ahead to their destination. As a kid in the 1960s, it was obvious to me why old people drove so slow. They had learned to drive so many years ago, they learned on Model Ts which had a top speed of, what, 30 mph? and old habits die hard. As a very young child on the beach at Cedar Point, I announced that Lake Erie was one giant bathtub. Uncle Ben was married to Aunt Jemima. It was logical, wasn’t it? I never figured out, though, just where Cream of Wheat Chef fit into the picture. ---
**Author:** ![Another\_Primate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Another\_Primate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Another_Primate)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2002, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166/100 "2002-09-16T04:47:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by chique \* > \*\*Cars didn’t move - roads did - and God in his heaven controlled each and every one of them on a huge gigantic Etch-A-Sketch. \*\* My just-turned-4-years-old grandson thinks that the car moves, and that it makes the road move. I can’t convince him otherwise. He’ll say, “But see?” He told me that it’s all right that I don’t think the road moves, but it really does – it’s just that I have “old eyes” and can’t see it. I pointed out that he can watch cars driving past my house, and that he can see that the road doesn’t move. He claims that’s because my road is made out of rock, so I asked him what the freeway (which we were on at the time) was made of. “I don’t know… paint?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-i-thought-when-i-was-a-kid/122166.md?page=6)