# Things I've learned about myself (thanks to stupid people) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 25, 2002, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921 "2002-10-25T23:54:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Epimetheus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c4cdca/32.png) [@Epimetheus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Epimetheus)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2002, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/21 "2002-10-26T21:26:15Z")
I am gay because I don’t stick my dick in anything that moves I am gay because I have standards I am gay because I don’t like to watch sports I am gay because I desire an intellecual woman and don’t care so much about looks I am evil because I don’t adhere to mindless patriotism force fed to me I am evil because I am an athiest I am evil because I don’t like children I am stupid because I bodybuild I am stupid because I work in a factory I am stupid because I have goals other than having nice things, rasing a family, and livng life as a couch potato ---
**Author:** ![JayElle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@JayElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JayElle)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2002, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/22 "2002-10-26T22:09:58Z")
I am a native Texan, therefore: - I ride horses. Everywhere. I have a hitching post attached to my desk. - I have cacti covering every available surface of my yard (nevermind that I live in the subtropics with a lovely hibiscus blooming on my patio). - I am required to talk funny. I have been _commanded_ to bring out my “real voice.” Sure, just pull the cord on my back to hear gin-yew-iine tex-uhs tawwwwlk. - I eat barbeque and cream gravy for every meal, all washed down with Pace Picante sauce. - I wear cowboy boots and hat to every function. I have excessively large hair (I don’t own cowboy boots, but I will admit to the big hair). ---
**Author:** ![kevja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/aeb1de/32.png) [@kevja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kevja)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2002, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/23 "2002-10-26T22:30:01Z")
I’m straight because… I do like professional sports. I don’t cook, ever. Let alone plan a dinner party. I hate shopping of any kind. I get my haircut at a barber shop, not a salon. I like rock music. I like muscle cars. I like action movies. I don’t give a flying flamingo if my hair gets wet, or messed up. ---
**Author:** ![Khan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3ab097/32.png) [@Khan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khan)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2002, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/24 "2002-10-26T22:33:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by astro \* > \*\* > > 10: Any male member of the cast of of Star Trek TNG - GAY! . > > \*\* This one I don’t understand. How about: I am unhealthy because I eat meat. I’m a deluded fanatic who can’t tell the difference between fantasy and reality because I watch anime/star trek/star wars. I’m gay because I make man-love jokes with my friends. I must chain smoke because every time YOU see me, that is, once every other day around 16:00, I have a cigarette. I want to nail everything with two X chromosomes because a good portion of the women I express attraction for don’t fit the general description of a “hot chick.” I “have problems” because I said I was an atheist. ---
**Author:** ![grendel72](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/91b2a8/32.png) [@grendel72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grendel72)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2002, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/25 "2002-10-26T22:35:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Epimetheus \* > \*\*I am gay because I don’t stick my dick in anything that moves > \*\* No, no, no… that makes you a necrophile. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Mushono](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cdc98d/32.png) [@Mushono](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mushono)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2002, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/26 "2002-10-26T23:01:35Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. I’m funding terrorists because I smoke pot occasionally. pffft, pots a small contribution. If you really want to help terrorists, eat those raisins. Support terrorists, eat raisins, drive your car. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2002, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/27 "2002-10-26T23:16:24Z")
“Eeew, you kissed a girl! Man, that is so gay!” -The Simpsons (I don’t remember who said it…) ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2002, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/28 "2002-10-26T23:27:01Z")
Welcome, Steve797! Never eat your toes before tea time. I’m a fundamentalist lunatic because I’m a Christian. I’m unpatriotic because I criticize the government. I am unpatriotic because I consider myself a citizen of the world. I don’t know anything about other countries because I’m an American. I’m not a feminist since I am “traditionally feminine.” I have no respect for homemakers because I’m a feminist. I am racially prejudiced since I live in the South. I am ignorant because I have a Southern accent. ---
**Author:** ![Deadly\_Nightlight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Deadly\_Nightlight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deadly_Nightlight)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/29 "2002-10-27T01:07:34Z")
I must be on section 8, welfare, foodstamps because I am black I must have 5 kids and 5 different baby daddies because i am black I must be uneducated because I grew up on the poor side of town I must be Yo yo g thuggin in da hizouse all the time because I am black I must be completely ashamed of my heritage because I refer to myself as black instead of biracial\> I must know every black person in town, state, or nation, because I am black ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/30 "2002-10-27T01:20:30Z")
It’s amazing how many of us have learned we are gay by others telling us! I must be gay because: 1. I don’t like football. 2. I don’t care about any sports at all. 3. I don’t hunt. 4. I don’t date much. 5. I don’t comment, admiringly or disparagingly, on the bodies of women who pass by. 6. I’m over 40, never been married, never had kids. On the plus side, I’ve learned I _can’t_ be an atheist because I can articulate a moral code, and seem to be a nice guy. ---
**Author:** ![Soup\_du\_jour](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Soup\_du\_jour](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soup_du_jour)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/31 "2002-10-27T02:40:17Z")
> [@](#): > > “Eeew, you kissed a girl! Man, that is so gay!” > > -The Simpsons (I don’t remember who said it…) Don’t quote me on this, but I believe it was one of Nelson Muntz’s comrades. The bald one with the white shirt, if I recall. Also, apparently: -I’m a conservative because I’m not rabidly anti-war with Iraq. -I’m a conservative because I expressly dislike Communism. -I’m self-righteous because I don’t drink or smoke. -I’m a pervert because I’m a fan of Stanley Kubrick. -I’m provincial because I’m from Texas. -I’m a conservative because I’m from Texas. -I must support George Bush because I’m from Texas. -I, like **YappingPoodle** , must have a large Texas twang because I’m from Texas. A normal, unaccented voice simply must be a fake, don’t’cha know? -I’m irrational because I’m a Christian. -I’m evil because I “believe in evolution.” Grrr. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/32 "2002-10-27T04:30:04Z")
The only thing I’ve learned from being around stupid people is to shut-up. I don’t tell ‘em nothin’ about myself, otherwise many of the stereotypes listed above could be equally applied to me. However, because of my ‘reticence’, I have not been called anything derogratory…well, to my face anyway! Mind you, when I say I am a single parent with four kids, I have noticed people mentally summing how many _dads_ might have been involved. 😃 (Funnily enough, they’re often so brazen as to actually ask…once I was so astonished by the question, I answered, “I dunno…there were just soooo many”) Pssst…by the way, just one dad, and we were even married and WANTED 4 kids, although there _was_ some speculation about a fence-jumping dingo when the blonde one was born . 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/33 "2002-10-27T04:46:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Epimetheus \* > > \*\*I am stupid because I bodybuild > \*\* Doesn’t that like make you GAY too? ---
**Author:** ![Osip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4491bb/32.png) [@Osip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Osip)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/34 "2002-10-27T04:46:59Z")
I am a communist Because: I have a large collection of Russian history books, Soviet poetry, and literature. Because: I traveled to russia and had a fantastic time Because: I have two Ushackas (fuzzy hats) and a Soviet Overcoat I am a braniac Because: I have the largest collecetion of 17th and 18th century dutch theology books in North alabama Possibly the South eastern US Because: I wear glasses. Because: When I speak, I do not use a great deal of verbal pauses. Because: I read two to three books a week and do not have cable wow I could go on forever. ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/35 "2002-10-27T05:04:45Z")
People rarely tell me much about myself, except the occasional odd comment about my vegetarianism, but whatever. However, I am terribly fortunate in that someone in an IRC channel that is in no way affiliated with this message board once explained to me that I had a phobia I had never even heard of! Well, gee, thanks! I am, apparently, hoplopbic. This means I have an intense fear of guns. And all this time I thought I didn’t like guns because of the killing and maiming bit. So it’s good to know that it’s actually a psychological illness. All I need is a good psychologist, and soon I’ll be out shooting things like every other right-thinking American! I have no clue how I survived that year in Israel, where I saw soldiers carrying big, um, rifley things every single day. It must have been sheer torture, although I seem to have repressed that part. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/36 "2002-10-27T06:06:27Z")
(learned from people in Japan) Because I’m an American: I’m Christian I own guns I do drugs I can’t possibly use chopsticks I can’t possibly speak a language other than English. I’ve got a huge penis. (ok, I’ll let 'em believe that one. (learned from another message board) – I’m anti-Japanese because I don’t believe the Yakuza are Robin Hood-esque protectors of the common man. – I’m a Japanese ultra-nationalist America-hater because I provided a Snopes cite debunking the ‘Twinkie Defense’ (yeah, I don’t get that one, either) – I’m obviously a criminal because I don’t agree with the government’s plan to start a national fingerprint and personal info database (because honest people have nothing to hide, of course) (from this thread (meant in jest, of course)) I bodybuild, so I’m apparently gay _and_ stupid. (well, I’ll admit I was inspired to get started by how good my gay co-worker looks). ---
**Author:** ![Khan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3ab097/32.png) [@Khan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khan)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/37 "2002-10-27T07:07:27Z")
I have a couple more: I’m childish because I build models as a hobby. I fear progress and cling to the past because I prefer Windows 98 and refuse to install Windows XP. ---
**Author:** ![red\_dragon60](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@red\_dragon60](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/red_dragon60)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/38 "2002-10-27T07:18:07Z")
Apparently you can’t be a pacifist and still think guns are nifty and have uses other than plunging copper-sheathed lead into innocent liberals. Also, I can’t be leftist and like guns either. Apparently I am gay because I debate people if they say something blindingly stupid. ---
**Author:** ![cainxinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7bcc69/32.png) [@cainxinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cainxinth)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/39 "2002-10-27T07:56:08Z")
I’m un-patriotic because I disagree with the President I’m a naive idealist because I want progress My life has been a cakewalk because my parents have money I’m a “wigger” because I relate to African-American culture I’m gay because I get along well with little children and animals and my clothes usually match My life isn’t meaningful because I’m an athiest I’m a sellout because I believe in capitalism I’m an alarmist because I want to decrease pollution and waste I’m nuts because I believe in the possibility of a scientific utopia or apocalypse in my lifetime called the [Singularity](http://singularity.xlogs.net/#what) ---
**Author:** ![Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dread_pirate_jimbo/32/3897_2.png) [@Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dread_Pirate_Jimbo)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921/40 "2002-10-27T22:25:37Z")
I’m gay because I didn’t date during high school and wasn’t on the football team (actually I was on the curling team – Wait! maybe I am gay! I better tell my wife!). I’m a homophobe because I was the only politically right-of-centre writer at the university newspaper. I’m a drunk because my ancestry is Irish (mostly… on my dad’s side). I’m a “fucking banana-head” because I insist on parking between the lines in a parking lot, even if that means squeezing up tight to a vehicle parked on the yellow line, jamming up the last two spaces in the lot. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-ive-learned-about-myself-thanks-to-stupid-people/133921.md?page=3)