# Things not to say to your wife during labor. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 28, 2005, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919 "2005-09-28T21:42:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/21 "2005-09-29T02:24:02Z")
“Wow! This is really neat. How soon do you think we can have another one?” ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/22 "2005-09-29T02:32:19Z")
Man. Now I know how Big Dig workers felt. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/23 "2005-09-29T02:38:36Z")
“Y’know, after seeing all this, I’m kinda losing my enthusiasm for the whole ‘marriage’ thing. I think we should see other people.” ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/24 "2005-09-29T02:41:49Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > “I’m going for a smoke. See you in a few.” My husband didn’t actually **say** this. What he said was, “Your mom’s here - do you want her to come in for a minute?” However, we’d been married long enough that I knew damn well he **meant** the above, and I told him (through clenched teeth), “No!” What I meant (and he knew it, too) was, “When I can step outside for a break, then you can too, dammit!” ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/25 "2005-09-29T02:44:33Z")
“If I could have the baby for you, I would.” “Honey, can you quiet down? I’m trying to take a nap, here.” “Flat on your back, feet in the air, screaming – remind you of anything, baby? (chuckling) Yeah, boy. Good times. Good times.” “How do I really know this kid is mine?” ---
**Author:** ![Metacom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecae2f/32.png) [@Metacom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Metacom)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/26 "2005-09-29T02:48:02Z")
“I’m gay!” ---
**Author:** ![MissGypsy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8491ac/32.png) [@MissGypsy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissGypsy)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/27 "2005-09-29T03:20:33Z")
“Ok, I got you to the hospital, so I’ll be back sometime later tonight.” (I told him not to bother.) ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/28 "2005-09-29T04:07:58Z")
“You’re doing great honey! Push! Pu-” \ “Ehhh…Sorry, I gotta take this…one sec…” ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/29 "2005-09-29T05:47:30Z")
> [@YaWanna](#): > > Y’all are giving me the best laugh I’ve had in days - I’m having to put my hand over my mouth so my cow-orkers don’t hear me! Ya know, I read that as one of the things you shouldn’t say. And it worked! ---
**Author:** ![usar\_jag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f0a364/32.png) [@usar\_jag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usar_jag)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/30 "2005-09-29T06:50:53Z")
You’re all missing the obvious one: **"Take it like a man!"** ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/31 "2005-09-29T07:39:06Z")
“If you had smoked crack with me the damn baby wouldn’t be so big.” Every 20 seconds for the next four hours say “breathe”. “Hey, the nurse is gone. Wanta have a quickie?” “Bob and I are heading out to the strip club. Give me a ring on the mobile when your think you’re close.” “Want some of this bratwurst?” “Lady OBGYN’s are sexy” “You’ll shrink back right? RIGHT? **RIGHT???** ” “Wow. This is sort of like gutting a sheep.” “I am so going to be gay after seeing that.” ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/32 "2005-09-29T08:14:11Z")
“Just one more push, honey” 27 times :dubious: That was actually from my DOCTOR! A friend and her husband had learned in their birthing class, that when she was having a particularly difficult moment, he was to tell her to “make circles” (with thumbs and forefingers) Her twins were full term so labor was … intense. (first pregnancy) This was the most even tempered woman I’ve ever know. I don’t think I ever heard her say “damn” in all the time I knew her. So, shortly after the nurse started a pitocin drip (makes the contractions stronger) she was becoming pretty agitated. (saying a lot of "Oh MY!"s) when he decided to “help.” Before “make circles, honey” was out of his mouth, with a demonic look on her face she turned and said, between here teeth, “You make F\*\*KING circles!” It was the funniest thing I’ve ever NOT laughed at! So apparently, “make circles” is a bad thing to say in the labor room. ---
**Author:** ![Martiju](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@Martiju](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martiju)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/33 "2005-09-29T09:17:05Z")
“Woah, didn’t think you had that much blood in you…” “Hey, we really need to talk. You know when I was meant to be at that conference last month…” “Honey, look who’s here. I’ve invited the boys round to take a video for us…” ---
**Author:** ![Madd\_Maxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Madd\_Maxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madd_Maxx)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/34 "2005-09-29T11:15:37Z")
Damn, that’s one ugly kid. Hey, that kid looks nothing like me! Hey doc, this one ain’t done yet. Think you can put it back in for a coupla months? Does this mean we can try anal now? ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/35 "2005-09-29T11:41:43Z")
Irishmen are not good at coping with this kind of stuff. Really, really bad at it, in fact. All real things I’ve heard fathers say in the labour ward and delivery room: “Can you hurry up a bit?” “Have you had it yet?” “If you have it in the next hour the pubs will still be open so I can wet its head!” “C’mon now sweetie, MY mammy didn’t need an epidural when she had me, you can manage with just the gas!” “Do I have to stay in the room while you actually have the baby? I’m not good with blood.” Turns out he was telling the truth, I’ve never seen someone faint and vomit simultaneously before. “Do you have to make that noise?” “Is she supposed to look like that?” “Can you not just call me when it’s about to be born?” “I know you want to call her Anna, but I thought we’d call her after my mother.” ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/36 "2005-09-29T13:08:23Z")
“Phew, that puppy’s sliding **right** out. Plenty of room there! _makes parade music noises with mouth and mimes a slide trombone_” ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/37 "2005-09-29T13:19:23Z")
Maybe next time, we’ll have twins! ---
**Author:** ![coffeecat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coffeecat/32/3405_2.png) [@coffeecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coffeecat)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/38 "2005-09-29T13:29:22Z")
I sneezed and got slapped for it. **Coffeespouse** says my sneezes are scary. ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/39 "2005-09-29T13:35:41Z")
> [@An Arky](#): > > If they have her hooked up to a monitor, when she’s having a contraction and the little graph thingy is spiking, go “ohh, good one!”…or generally be paying attention to the monitor and not her. And if that monitor displays the graph thingy from the other birthing rooms, don’t EVER, EVER compare the size of the spikes between hers and the others. And most especially, if her spikes aren’t as tall, don’t say something like “at least your contractions aren’t as bad as the woman’s in room 3”. Trust me on this. ---
**Author:** ![Susie\_Derkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Susie\_Derkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susie_Derkins)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/40 "2005-09-29T14:17:08Z")
When she is pushing so hard that she farts, don’t giggle too much. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919.md?page=3)