# Things not to say to your wife during labor. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 28, 2005, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919 "2005-09-28T21:42:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/41 "2005-09-29T15:14:46Z")
> [@Askia](#): > > Those stirrups are not a good look for you. Wow, those stirrups are a _great_ look for you, I’m sportin’ a little wood! ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/42 "2005-09-29T15:34:39Z")
“At your cervix!” ---
**Author:** ![psycat90](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@psycat90](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psycat90)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/43 "2005-09-29T15:57:01Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > “I’m going for a smoke. See you in a few.” My son’s father did say this to me while I was in labor with our second son. He came back an hour and a half later. I was only in labor for 3 hours. I guess the husband of the woman in the labor room with me felt bad for me being all alone. Every time I had a contraction he’d offer me words of support and comfort from across the room and behind a curtain. I was very thankful. ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/44 "2005-09-29T15:58:41Z")
> [@Susie Derkins](#): > > When she is pushing so hard that she farts, don’t giggle too much. Trust me, when my wife farts nobody’s laughing. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/45 "2005-09-29T16:31:55Z")
Congratulations! You are fully dialated. You may now give birth. I spy with my little eye something that begins with V. Are you sure we can’t name him Lynard Skynnard? ---
**Author:** ![phungi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phungi/32/395_2.png) [@phungi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phungi)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/46 "2005-09-29T16:33:27Z")
“Hon, when was the last time you waxed down here?” “Hey, you really DO have hemorrhoids” ---
**Author:** ![Walkabout](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/46a35a/32.png) [@Walkabout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walkabout)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/47 "2005-09-29T16:57:02Z")
A few from my husband: “Honey, meet my friend Steve. His wife is here, too, so I thought you’d want to say hello.” “The cafeteria food sucks, so I’m going to run down to Burger King for a bite.” “That lady down the hall is done already. Why are you so slow?” and after 26 hours of labor and pushing for three hours: “Dammit, you can do better than that! You’re not even trying!” ---
**Author:** ![Marlitharn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/48 "2005-09-29T17:00:10Z")
From my husband: “What is _that??_” Doctor: “That’s the head!” Husband: “Oh. Ew.” ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/49 "2005-09-29T17:14:25Z")
I fell asleep while Mrs. Evil Captor was in labor, thus avoiding making gaffe-like remarks. They did wake me up when they finally decided to induce delivery (it was a long labor and the kid just wouldn’t descend.) After the birth, they were cleaning her out and sending the remains down clear plastic suction hoses. I couldn’t resist – as one bit of stuff flowed through the hose, I said, “Was that a kidney?” ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/50 "2005-09-29T17:26:12Z")
This thread needs to be published and distributed immediately. I’m sad to say that there are a couple (just a couple, honest!) of things in here that I wouldn’t have thought were all that bad, but now I know. On a personal note, I’m sure my wife isn’t interested in having kids because she probably thinks that I’d run down to the bowling alley for a few while she was in labor. I have no idea where she’d get that idea from, either. ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/51 "2005-09-29T17:34:11Z")
My father-in-law remarked that it was a nice day to play golf when my husband was born. My aunt was in labor and the nurse had a student helping. He attached the monitor to her and as she was in a lot of pain from a big contraction, he scoffed and told her that it was just a tiny one, and not that bad. Then the nurse came in, told him he had hooked it up wrong and reattached it, causing the monitor to spike way up. The student was suitably embarrassed. My husband was pretty great when I gave birth but he did fall asleep a few times and did not seem very excited when I woke him up to announce that my water had broken. **picunurse** , I had issues with people telling me ‘just one more push’ too. Or they would count for me and slow way down at the end 4,5,6…7…8… I would stop when in my own head I hit 10 :). ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/52 "2005-09-29T17:48:58Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > On a personal note, I’m sure my wife isn’t interested in having kids because she probably thinks that I’d run down to the bowling alley for a few while she was in labor. Well if it’s league night … I mean, come on, your buddies are countin’ on you and you get that -10 pins for a Blind score _if the league even allows blind scores_. Apropos, one of the Google Ads is for > [@](#): > > Premium Web Divorce $199 > Everything Completed Immediately. 110% guarantee. Seen, NY Times/CNN _snicker_ ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/53 "2005-09-29T17:54:12Z")
> [@Homebrew](#): > > Apropos, one of the Google Ads… And grossly _inappropriately_, it’s now for: Free “A Severed Head” Get Iris Murdoch Product Free. Free shipping. Sign up now. > **[FreeGiftWorld.com is for sale | HugeDomains](https://www.hugedomains.com/domain_profile.cfm?d=freegiftworld&e=com)** > > Shop a wide selection of domains at HugeDomains.com. Find the right domain name today. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/54 "2005-09-29T17:58:34Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > And grossly _inappropriately_, it’s now for: > > Free “A Severed Head” > Get Iris Murdoch Product Free. Free shipping. Sign up now. > [www.freegiftworld.com](http://www.freegiftworld.com) > :eek: And **now** it’s > [@](#): > > Roto Grip Bowling Online > Roto Grip Balls at Low Prices Trusted on the Internet Since 1997 > > Cheap Bowling Balls > 1st quality bowling balls, bags, shoes and acc. up to 70% off retail > > Bowling Equipment > New center construction, equipment, and installation worldwide. > > Bowling Alley Bus Plan > Business Plan for a Bowling Alley Immediate Download - Special Offer WTF? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/55 "2005-09-29T19:10:31Z")
A man’s got to have his priorities, **Bosda**. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/56 "2005-09-29T19:48:28Z")
Maybe hubby could bring pom poms and cheer her on: Push him out! Push him out! Waaaaaaaaay out! Or you could tell her, “Hey! I’d have been fine with a puppy. But no, _Someone_ just had to have a baby!” ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/57 "2005-09-29T20:50:35Z")
> [@Marlitharn](#): > > From my husband: “What is _that??_” > Doctor: “That’s the head!” Husband: “I know, but isn’t there supposed to be skin on it?” ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/58 "2005-09-29T23:32:31Z")
> [@Homebrew](#): > > Well if it’s league night … > > I mean, come on, your buddies are countin’ on you and you get that -10 pins for a Blind score _if the league even allows blind scores_. Not to mention the fact that I’ve got to pay league fees whether I show up or not. I wouldn’t want to set a bad example for the new family member by throwing money away, now would I? ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/59 "2005-09-29T23:53:02Z")
> [@Dragwyr](#): > > “At your cervix!” That’s just contemptible. And yet I laugh. ---
**Author:** ![BoringDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ad7895/32.png) [@BoringDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoringDad)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2005, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919/60 "2005-09-30T00:35:08Z")
Wow! I _never_ thought you’d get you naked on all fours in a room full of strangers! That one got me in trouble even when mentioned days later, so I can only imagine the reaction during the moment. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-not-to-say-to-your-wife-during-labor/323919.md?page=2)