# Things parents say to their kids that may not be quite accurate…
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [July 23, 2017, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961 "2017-07-23T19:41:08Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)
#### Post date: [July 30, 2017, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/41 "2017-07-30T14:52:03Z")
I have always–ALWAYS–eaten the crusts of bread, yet my hair is NOT curly, not wavy, just oily.
I have never found potatoes (or [beans](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZw7lWd1btQ)) in my ears.
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### Author:  [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)
#### Post date: [July 30, 2017, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/42 "2017-07-30T15:18:43Z")
My wife must be sterile. She’s eaten far too many watermelon seeds for there to be any other explanation. 🙂
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### Author:  [@BeepKillBeep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeepKillBeep)
#### Post date: [July 30, 2017, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/43 "2017-07-30T15:27:42Z")
I used to tell my kids that “Have fun storming the castle!” was an ancient viking way to say goodbye, and that I was celebrating our viking heritage when I said it to them as they left for school.
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### Author:  [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)
#### Post date: [July 30, 2017, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/44 "2017-07-30T16:37:34Z")
Sort of along the same lines, the Cub was complaining one day about how they had to have a long line-up for nearly everything in his Grade 2 classroom.
I told him to say to the teacher: “What, will the line stretch out to the crack of doom?”
Then to tell the teacher when she questioned him, “But it’s Shakespeare!” (_Macbeth_, Act 4, Scene 1)
He did it with some delight a few times, and came home reporting that his teacher was puzzled by him.
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### Author:  [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)
#### Post date: [July 30, 2017, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/45 "2017-07-30T18:04:21Z")
Just send him in with a note copping to you idolizing Calvin’s Dad. She’ll understand then. 🙂
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### Author:  [@Aquadementia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aquadementia)
#### Post date: [July 30, 2017, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/46 "2017-07-30T18:20:36Z")
Wait a second.
There’s something we all just skipped over: What kind of parent lets their kid have a red lightsaber?
We know how it will end.
DETECTIVE “So, what’s going on here? You want to hold the kid for murdering his own parents?”
OFFICER “I think you should see this. Under the Christmas tree next to the sweater.”
DETECTIVE “Hmmm. A ‘Star Wars Darth Vader red lighsaber’ box. It does jibe with the crime scene. Sith can be highly dynastic. The youngling probably snuck up on them while they were asleep to steal their force energy.”
OFFICER “And look in the kids bedroom. It’s full of Nazi memorabilia.”
DETECTIVE “What do ya expect in a household like this? Smurfs?”
OFFICER “No, but notice how tidily it’s all put away.”
DETECTIVE “Then his training… is complete.”
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### Author:  [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)
#### Post date: [July 31, 2017, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/47 "2017-07-31T02:19:13Z")
Mrs Piper was walking into the kitchen; tripped over a double-bladed red light-sabre (à la Darth Maul). Went down, heavily.
“Cub!” I called. “Mom just tripped over your light sabre!”
Cub came running, a look of concern on his face.
“Is it okay?” he asked.
:smack:
[Lengthy trial proceedings followed, in which the Cub advanced the defence that he had left it in the dining room, but evil Sith-Piper-Cat2 had Force-transferred it to the hallway leading to the kitchen. Mrs Piper and I remained sceptical Sith-Piper-Cat2 has such abilities, although there was general consensus that Sith-Piper-Cat2 is indeed evil. Court adjourned without verdict, due to inconclusive evidence, but with a strict admonition to the Sith-Lord-Cub to continue picking up his evil apparatuses.]
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### Author:  [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)
#### Post date: [July 31, 2017, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/48 "2017-07-31T03:22:21Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#):
>
> Just send him in with a note copping to you idolizing Calvin’s Dad. She’ll understand then. 🙂
Calvin (after Dad explains their Xmas decorating): _IF_ I get **A** present?
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### Author:  [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)
#### Post date: [July 31, 2017, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/49 "2017-07-31T11:53:51Z")
> [@Northern\_Piper](#):
>
> …
> [Lengthy trial proceedings followed, in which the Cub advanced the defence that he had left it in the dining room, but evil Sith-Piper-Cat2 had Force-transferred it to the hallway leading to the kitchen. Mrs Piper and I remained sceptical Sith-Piper-Cat2 has such abilities, although there was general consensus that Sith-Piper-Cat2 is indeed evil. Court adjourned without verdict, due to inconclusive evidence, but with a strict admonition to the Sith-Lord-Cub to continue picking up his evil apparatuses.]
And thus slowly, ever so slowly but inexorably, does the Sith Lord’s training continue. Now he controls the cat a bit, and the parents a bit more. They now do his bidding uncertainly, but also unwittingly. Good. Very Good.
Soon the domination will be complete and the grand plan of generations may enter it’s next phase.
I am proud of you, young Cub.
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### Author:  [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)
#### Post date: [July 31, 2017, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/50 "2017-07-31T12:48:29Z")
> [@Captain\_Amazing](#):
>
> Gabe, from the webcomic Penny Arcade, talks about how Sith Lords litter:
>
> [A Funny Dad Story - Penny Arcade](https://www.penny-arcade.com/news/post/2010/02/17/a-funny-dad-story)
[TV Tropes](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ArsonMurderAndJaywalking) has that covered.
> [@Maastricht](#):
>
> Me: “Ninja’s never give up, they don’t quit. So get back to sorting Lego’s, young man.”
>
> My then seven year old: " But ninja’s do take breaks, don’t they ?".
“Sorting Legos _is_ their break.”
My brother and I were turning up our noses at mom’s homemade vegetable beef soup, poking at the fat globules floating on top. “What’s this stuff?”
“Protein,” she told us.
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### Author:  [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)
#### Post date: [July 31, 2017, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/51 "2017-07-31T20:29:12Z")
I used to be a substitute teacher. I asked one boy if he needed a pencil. “No,” he said as he took one out of his desk. Then he burst into loud sobs.
Turns out his mom had told him that any number of dire things would happen if he ever dared say “No” to a teacher. So I had to explain the difference between defying a teacher and answering a question (correctly) in the negative.
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### Author:  [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)
#### Post date: [August 1, 2017, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/52 "2017-08-01T13:56:16Z")
I’m a store cashier. Even once in a while a parent will bring in a child who took something out of the store without paying to make them return it and apologize. I’ve worked out a routine where I call over the head cashier and ask if we should call the police. We do a little back and forth (“But taking things out of the store without paying is illegal.” " Yea, but the child could go to prison."), and decide not to call them.
No child has ever shoplifted twice.
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### Author:  [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)
#### Post date: [September 1, 2017, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/53 "2017-09-01T15:40:07Z")
> [@MLS](#):
>
> This is my daughter’s, but I think it still counts. “No, we can’t go to the park today. The park is closed on Tuesdays.”
>
> When my granddaughter was very young she believed (because we told her so) that the ice cream truck was just a music truck. No, no treats in there.
Better that than: [http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f1v74o\_dvCs/UEYxOkLL3vI/AAAAAAAAENc/\_J3eDjReS6c/s1600/1163799916.jpg](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f1v74o_dvCs/UEYxOkLL3vI/AAAAAAAAENc/_J3eDjReS6c/s1600/1163799916.jpg)
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### Author:  [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)
#### Post date: [September 1, 2017, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/54 "2017-09-01T16:07:24Z")
My dad is an amputee. When little kids would ask him what happened to his leg, he’d tell them “I didn’t clean my plate!”
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### Author:  [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)
#### Post date: [September 1, 2017, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/55 "2017-09-01T16:25:08Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#):
>
> My dad is an amputee. When little kids would ask him what happened to his leg, he’d tell them “I didn’t clean my plate!”
[And that’s why you always clean your plate](http://uproxx.com/tv/5-important-j-walter-weatherman-lessons-on-arrested-development/)!
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### Author:  [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)
#### Post date: [September 1, 2017, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/56 "2017-09-01T22:57:30Z")
When my twin sons were about 12, I found someone had been searching for porn on my computer. Not knowing which one of them (or maybe one of their friends) was responsible, I settled for telling both of them not to let it happen again and added, “Anyway, there’s no good free porn. You always have to have a credit card.”
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### Author:  [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2017, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/57 "2017-09-02T00:45:25Z")
Had it gone differently that might have been an expensive mistake on your part. They’d have had no clue how hard all those subscriptions would be for you to cancel once you found out. 🙂
Still, it was a stroke of genius.
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### Author:  [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2017, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/58 "2017-09-02T01:42:01Z")
> [@kunilou](#):
>
> “Anyway, there’s no good free porn. You always have to have a credit card.”
Did they swipe one of your credit cards?
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### Author:  [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2017, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/59 "2017-09-02T01:50:28Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#):
>
> Had it gone differently that might have been an expensive mistake on your part. They’d have had no clue how hard all those subscriptions would be for you to cancel once you found out. 🙂
>
> Still, it was a stroke of genius.
Vasectomy.
Best $400.00 I ever spent.
I have made many mistakes, but that was not one of them.
🙂
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### Author:  [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2017, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-parents-say-to-their-kids-that-may-not-be-quite-accurate/791961/60 "2017-09-02T02:59:09Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#):
>
> Did they swipe one of your credit cards?
Nope. When my kids were living at home I kept my credit cards as secure as a responsible gun owner keeps their guns.
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