# Things that are funny to absolutely no one on this planet besides you **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 6, 2006, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242 "2006-02-06T15:52:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/41 "2006-02-07T04:21:23Z")
> [@](#): > > Recently, on my husband’s drive to work, he’d always pass a strip mall with three seperate signs in a row, under one another… > > DONUTS > > GUNS > > DAYCARE > > Yup. Welcome to Texas. I swear I once saw a storefront in Houston that was advertising “GUNS-LIQUOR-INSURANCE” I know Texas enough to accept the idea of a store selling guns and liquor. But I was surprised that anyone would offer to insure somebody who was a customer. ---
**Author:** ![Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buckler_of_Swashing)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/42 "2006-02-07T04:36:32Z")
A high-school friend and I used to go into hysterics over a mall store named ‘Digicall’. It started because, walking past, I said the name aloud for no apparent reason: \*\*“Digicall.” “What?” “Nothing. There’s a new mobile phone place where (other store) used to be. Digicall.” “Oh. I thought you said ‘Did you call?’ really fast. And I was going to say yes.” “Ah. Did you call?” “Alright, I get it.” “No, I mean did you call?” “Stop it. What?” “You said you were going to say yes, when you thought I asked if you called. I figured you must have called me earlier or something.” “Oooooooh!” “So. Did you?” “What?” “Did you call? No! I mean - Did. You. Call?” “No.” “Oh. So why… no, I don’t care.” “It really does sound like ‘did you call’ being said really fast. I was going to say ‘yesIdid!’ really fast just to be… you know.”\*\* We actually had a 30-45min conversation about it. We now all return calls to each other with a superquick ‘didyoucall?’ (now in a new improved haughty tone of voice) followed by a series of super quick responses - ‘whyyesIdid!’ ‘yesIleftamessagetocallmeback’ ‘noIdidn’titwas_flatmate_’ We think this is TOO funny. Everybody else (understandably) finds it annoying. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/43 "2006-02-07T04:44:29Z")
> [@Little Nemo](#): > > I swear I once saw a storefront in Houston that was advertising “GUNS-LIQUOR-INSURANCE” > > I know Texas enough to accept the idea of a store selling guns and liquor. But I was surprised that anyone would offer to insure somebody who was a customer. There’s a place I used to drive by in LeRoy that said “Guns. Ammo. Ice Cream.” And speaking of Anagrams… Last Friday, my mind twisted by **Amazon Floozy Goddess’** anagram toons, I changed the letters on the happy-peppy employee morale sign by the copier. It said “6 more weeks. Blame Phil.” I moved the 6 to the margin and changed it to “We smoke liP Balm here.” Tickled me to death. It was changed this morning to “Congratulations Super Bowl Champs Pittsburgh Steelers.” I’ve been working on something with “Pharmaceutical sins” in it. ---
**Author:** ![TLDRIDKJKLOLFTW](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/51bf81/32.png) [@TLDRIDKJKLOLFTW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TLDRIDKJKLOLFTW)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/44 "2006-02-07T05:01:18Z")
1. When I was about 17, I was driving home from work late and night and saw where some mischief-makers had rearranged the letters on a clinic’s marquee from “Flu Shot: $10” (among other things) to “Piece of Shit: $10.” To this day, whenever I hear the phrase “piece of shit,” I crack up and add “$10!” 2. At my workplace, we have many product boxes in the storeroom emblazoned with “Open not with sharp object.” Every time I see them, I lapse into faux-Shakespearean monologues - “Open not with sharp object, forsooth!” 3. There’s a security announcement running in Chicago’s union station - “Add your eyes and ears to those of our own.” It kind of sounds all right for a second, until you realize - wait a minute - add your eyes **to the eyes of our eyes!??!** 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/45 "2006-02-07T05:09:47Z")
Years and years ago when I was a student at Auburn University, there was a sign on the road to Opelika (Auburn’s “can’t tell where one ends and the other begins” adjoining city) advertising a tool company called OPELIKA BOLT & SCREW It cracked me up everytime I saw it. I find it hysterical when somebody burps and rather than say a simple “excuse me” (all you need to say- we’ve all been there) they just blush and pretend it didn’t happen and go right on talking, then get that slightly defensive look on their face even though nobody mentions it. Even funnier when it’s a fart. A few years ago an elderly woman burned to death in a kitchen fire in Montgomery AL and on the nightly newscast they ended the story with “Firefighters believe that Mrs. X was cooking at the time of the blaze.” I couldn’t keep a straight face for a day. (Specifically she was roasting.) Others didn’t seem to think so. Also a few years ago on the afternoon “Alabama’s Most Wanted” report, the voiceover showed a picture of the Felon du Jour and said “Rondonaldrick \_\_\_\_ is 6 feet tall, 220 pounds, wanted for arson and robbery, and has tattoos. Friends call him Drick.” No idea why but I thought it was hysterical that of all the possibilities of that particularly clustered name (Ron, Don, Donald, Ronnie, Donnie, etc.) they chose ‘Drick’. Later I met the one other person who remembered it and thought it was as funny as I did and we’ve been friends ever since. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/46 "2006-02-07T05:12:48Z")
> [@Little Nemo](#): > > The [element naming controversy](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Element_naming_controversy). I don’t know why it is, but somehow the idea that professional scientific bodies have spent 35 years ponderously arguing about this issue strikes me as being more hilarious than all five Marx brothers on a nitrous oxide binge. Especially since all the new elements are nearly meaningless entities that only exist in highly radioactive laboratories and have a half-life of a fly’s fart. And yet they all end in _-ium_, so that they sound as if you could make invulnerable starship hulls out of them. _seaborgium?_ seaborgium. _seaborgium?_ ---
**Author:** ![Leibowitz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b2d939/32.png) [@Leibowitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leibowitz)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/47 "2006-02-07T05:15:28Z")
It is a shameful and bad thing, but whenever I think of George Bush, Sr. ralphing on the leader of Japan, it makes me giggle. If something has made me kind of sad, like bad news or a sad movie, I actually think of that to cheer myself up. I am giggling right now. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/48 "2006-02-07T06:13:22Z")
Campus Crew shirts always make me giggle. First time I saw one it read CAMPUSCREW, and I parsed it as CAMP U SCREW. But since nobody else was in my brain for that… ---
**Author:** ![Amaranta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Amaranta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amaranta)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 10:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/49 "2006-02-07T10:11:25Z")
Oh, thought of another one. At the last place I worked, the sink in the kitchen prep area had a white soap dispenser. About three inches over and three inches down was a black soap dispenser. When I stared working there, one of the soap dispensers was labelled “soap dispenser”, though I don’t know why anyone thought it necessary to point that out. So I made a label for the other one that said “Redundant soap dispenser”. So, you’d look at the sink, and right above it was the “soap dispenser”, and then your eyes would travel to the other redundant one. I thought it was hilarious. It still makes me giggle. No one else thought so at all. When I’d train new employees, I’d sloooowly lead them past the sink - “Oh, here’s the prep area… yup, there’s the sink, blah blah” and wait for them to laugh, or comment, or something. No one ever did. ---
**Author:** ![wayward](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a87d85/32.png) [@wayward](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wayward)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/50 "2006-02-07T12:09:36Z")
At work some time towards the end of last year I was asked to make a sign saying something along the lines of “Safety Goggles Must Be Used When Using This Machine”. My ‘first draft’ was just those words overlaid on [this](http://www.tigerlair.com/hotdogandahalf/bear-goggles.jpg) picture. I was laughing all day. The boss, and the rest of my cow-orkers, were perplexed. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/51 "2006-02-07T13:01:33Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > I used to occasionally stumble across a comedian (not like that) who’s entire schtick had something to do with ending a lot of sentences saying “on a stick.” So that became a catch phrase between my husband and I, always delivered with a Speedy Gonzales accent, to ensure a giggle. Who was that guy - didn’t he have a puppet or something? I loved him! On A Steeeck! ---
**Author:** ![Electrical\_Storm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac8455/32.png) [@Electrical\_Storm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electrical_Storm)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/52 "2006-02-07T14:22:43Z")
> [@astro](#): > > [I think this is hilarous.](http://www.orlyowl.com/orly3.jpg) No one else does. Well, I’ve got to admit it creeped.me.out for the first few moments. But I read the caption, took a look at cat-man’s expression and I’m still recovering from my laughing jag. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/53 "2006-02-07T14:33:26Z")
> [@Snakescatlady](#): > > Who was that guy - didn’t he have a puppet or something? I loved him! > > On A Steeeck! His name’s Jeff Dunham, and yes, he’s got puppets. 🙂 The one you’re thinking of is the Jalapeno on a Stick … and whenever I hear about _anything_ on a stick, I crack up. There’s also a company not far from where I grew up with its name proudly emblazoned on the front of the building … **VIBRA-SCREW**. One of these days, I’m actually going to march right in there and ask them what the hell they make. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/54 "2006-02-07T14:37:00Z")
> [@Hilarity N. Suze](#): > > “That’s a really nice shirt . . . it’d be a shame if something happened to it.” > > (Long, slow beat while my husband, who just got home in his nice shirt and is about to _cook something,_ processes what I just said, and comes up with:) > > “Are you threatening my shirt?” I chuckled over this all afternoon. When my husband got home, I showed him so he’d know why I was randomly laughing and… well, let’s just say he still doesn’t know. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/55 "2006-02-07T15:06:12Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > There’s also a company not far from where I grew up with its name proudly emblazoned on the front of the building … **VIBRA-SCREW**. One of these days, I’m actually going to march right in there and ask them what the hell they make. I think there’s an excellent possibility that _you don’t want to know._ ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/56 "2006-02-07T15:34:39Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > I think there’s an excellent possibility that _you don’t want to know._ Yes, but there’s an equally large possibility that I’ll buy their products–I’m not proud. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/57 "2006-02-07T15:39:14Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > Recently, on my husband’s drive to work, he’d always pass a strip mall with three seperate signs in a row, under one another… > > **DONUTS** > > **GUNS** > > **DAYCARE** > Yup. Welcome to Texas. 🙂 [Sam and Max Hit the Road] **DISCOUNT GUNS** **LIQUOR** **BABY NEEDS** [/Sam and Max Hit the Road] ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/58 "2006-02-07T16:33:15Z")
> [@Mr Bus Guy](#): > > Guilty feet have got no rhythm. Empty spaces fill me up with holes. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/59 "2006-02-07T19:12:34Z")
First off, **Buckler of Swashing** , I roared with laughter over the whole Digicom thing. I’ll probably use that sometime now (like I do some other things on here that I find funny that no one else would have heard of) and everyone will assume I’ve gone crazier again. Secondly, people know the _On A Steeeck!_ guy! I’m so excited to now have a name to go with the act. 🙂 I haven’t seen him in forever, but I lurves him anyway. Lastly, a new addition: My mother, back in the day before she became a total dictator, used to go “um puttin’ puttin’ puttin’” to imitate the noise of a car from some defunct joke we used to tell. Now, although it’s been a long while, all she’d have to do is start out with the “um” and I’ll collapse on the floor. ---
**Author:** ![rinni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f6c823/32.png) [@rinni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rinni)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/60 "2006-02-07T22:33:33Z")
I have laughed so hard reading this thread that it’s used up my daily dose of energy and now I could just go to sleep. The one about Digicall reminds me of something only I think is funny. I went on vacation with my parents, aunt, and uncle last year, and every one of them randomly reads signs aloud as we drive past them. Nobody else seems to notice that they’re doing it, nor do they notice anyone else doing it either. We would drive down a road with no conversation and you’d randomly hear, “Best Western.” “Wal-Mart.” “Breakfast all day.” I eventually, after a few days of silently smiling, cracked up laughing and nobody else thought it was funny at all. I have a friend/ex-boyfriend, Hush, who will laugh REALLY HARD at anything bent. A friend of ours came out of the kitchen holding a handful of freezies, asking us if we wanted one. But one of the freezies had frozen in a 90 degree angle formation. So he was holding a handful of straight freezies and one really bent one, with a genuine patient, yet expectant look on his face, awaiting our answers. Hush went off. I think he laughed for five minutes. I wound up howling right alongside him, as his laughter is so contagious. To this day, one of us only has to say “bent freezie” to provoke a case of the giggles in the other. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242.md?page=4)