# Things that are funny to absolutely no one on this planet besides you **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 6, 2006, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242 "2006-02-06T15:52:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![homeskillet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7ba0ec/32.png) [@homeskillet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/homeskillet)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/61 "2006-02-07T23:05:44Z")
> [@Beware of Doug](#): > > Used to be a deli on East 45th St, NYC > Couple blocks west, someplace offered both **EEG** and **EEG N’BACON** sandwiches. > > What’s an eeg? An egg that’s gone a little bit round the bend? The deli here on E 52nd ST has this mysterious item on its menu: **WAIST WAT HER CHUNKY** I also know of a Chinese restaurant in Ireland named **Soon Fat** ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/62 "2006-02-07T23:08:32Z")
I think the 4th crusade and the Arian heresy is funny in a horrible sort of way. I’ve also heard a story that Holy Roman Emprorer Barbossa drowned while trying to swim a turkish river with his armor on…because of a bet. He lost. It’s probably not true but it’s still funny in an evil way. ---
**Author:** ![jawdirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df705f/32.png) [@jawdirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jawdirk)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2006, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/63 "2006-02-07T23:39:42Z")
> [@Hilarity N. Suze](#): > > “That’s a really nice shirt . . . it’d be a shame if something happened to it.” > > (Long, slow beat while my husband, who just got home in his nice shirt and is about to _cook something,_ processes what I just said, and comes up with:) > > “Are you threatening my shirt?” Nope, sorry, this is really funny. No prize for you. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/64 "2006-02-08T03:45:58Z")
There’s a Emergency Exit door at work with a sign “Door is Alarmed”. No one else gets it. ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/65 "2006-02-08T07:01:59Z")
[This thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=357556) ---
**Author:** ![Shalmanese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shalmanese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shalmanese)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/66 "2006-02-08T10:06:53Z")
Saving Private Ryan… Went to the movie theatre with a bunch of friends. We had sort of vaguely heard about it but had no idea what to expect. You know that scene, in the opening sequence, where the guys are flailing in the water and drowning and all of a sudden, they get shot in the head and stopped flailing?.. Thats right! I burst out laughing at that scene, I literally couldn’t stop. And a full on gut chuckle, not just a snigger. While everybody else was completely deathly silent at what was at that time the most horrifying depiction of war ever to be put on the big screen. EVERYONE could hear me! I had to rush out of the movie theatre and my friends were mortified. I never actually saw that movie again until about 8 years later. Even today, I can’t stop chuckling through the opening sequence :(. ---
**Author:** ![Otanx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Otanx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otanx)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/67 "2006-02-08T12:01:17Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > There’s also a company not far from where I grew up with its name proudly emblazoned on the front of the building … **VIBRA-SCREW**. One of these days, I’m actually going to march right in there and ask them what the hell they make. There was a store in my town called Just Nails. It was located in a strip mall with two car part stores, and a HVAC store. The part of town was near the industrial area. My brother is a mechanic. One day on his way home from work he decided he would stop in at the hardware store over by the truck store. He walked in, and found out it was a place for finger nails, not pieces of pointy metal nails. Imagine a greesy overweight guy walking into a clean nail salon. Looking around then leaving. > [@Kat](#): > > There’s a Emergency Exit door at work with a sign “Door is Alarmed”. No one else gets it. Where I work now is a big box on the back of a truck. There is barley enough room to have two people lie down. One door, and you can see everything from the door. For awhile we were required to have 2 people in the box 24x7. With that little space things start to smell. We started to burn a sented candle to cover up the smell. We got in trouble for causing a fire hazard. I tried to convence my boss that we should put up a fire exit sign, and draw up a fire evacuation plan, and then keep buring the candle. -Otanx ---
**Author:** ![Idlewild](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8491ac/32.png) [@Idlewild](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idlewild)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/68 "2006-02-08T12:19:02Z")
> [@Kat](#): > > There’s a Emergency Exit door at work with a sign “Door is Alarmed”. No one else gets it. That’s a well-worn family joke for my family now… “Somebody calm that door down!” etc… I have to say I have been saying “Suppose U Drive!” and giggling to myself ever since I read this thread. I have no idea why but that tickles my funny bone. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/69 "2006-02-08T14:01:34Z")
> [@Kat](#): > > There’s a Emergency Exit door at work with a sign “Door is Alarmed”. No one else gets it. Okay, this one made me burst out laughing. I’ve never seen a door marked that way. Usually it’s “Do not open, Alarm will sound.” Now I’m going to spend the rest of the day wondering what upset the door so much. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/70 "2006-02-08T14:25:23Z")
> [@homeskillet](#): > > The deli here on E 52nd ST has this mysterious item on its menu: > WAIST WAT HER CHUNKY > > I also know of a Chinese restaurant in Ireland named Soon Fat I’m beginning to think no New Yorker _ever_ laughs at bad signs. Maybe those that aren’t too tracked to notice them are too PC to find the humor. Someplace on W 56th, now gone, used to advertise (in neon no less): SPAGHETTI SANDWICHES DESERT Something wet, something dry. The perfect meal. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/71 "2006-02-08T16:37:22Z")
> [@wayward](#): > > At work some time towards the end of last year I was asked to make a sign saying something along the lines of “Safety Goggles Must Be Used When Using This Machine”. My ‘first draft’ was just those words overlaid on [this](http://www.tigerlair.com/hotdogandahalf/bear-goggles.jpg) picture. I was laughing all day. The boss, and the rest of my cow-orkers, were perplexed. That’s a shame. If only they’d been perspexed, your job would have been well done. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/72 "2006-02-08T16:45:16Z")
There was an episode on “Soap” where the General went upstairs with his dog and yelled, “pick up your feet.” (For those who never watched it - the dog no longer lives). The funniest line in the film “Trainspotting” is, “who the f\*&%$ are you?”. The bar scene right before the fight. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/73 "2006-02-08T16:48:37Z")
Whoa – two ads for ventriloquist dummies and one for “learn ventriloquism!” _That’s_ comedy gold! ---
**Author:** ![cactus\_waltz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@cactus\_waltz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cactus_waltz)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/74 "2006-02-08T18:16:07Z")
Miss Cactus and I were watching the movie **Shogun Assassin** on a local theater. There’s a scene where the assassin meets up with the master female ninja and goes “HHHAWWHH! There you are!” or something to the effect. Then they begin fighting. Obviously, HHHAWWHH! got part of our “samurai” speech, and then it got part of anything we said. Hillarious to us, confusing to others. ---
**Author:** ![Alonzo\_John\_Blitz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@Alonzo\_John\_Blitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alonzo_John_Blitz)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/75 "2006-02-08T18:41:37Z")
I suppose there are one or two in every major city in the US - the one in L.A. is on Wilshire west of Vermont - I refer, of course, to the **EQUITABLE BUILDING**. ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/76 "2006-02-08T22:07:31Z")
There’s a store here in Chicago (on Montrose near Elston, if you’re interested) that sells attire for observant Muslim women. It’s called “Jilbabs ‘N’ Things”. I find this endlessly hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/77 "2006-02-08T22:14:39Z")
I’ve explained the story behind this before, but the story itself isn’t funny. But for whatever reason, the line “not so tough without your lips, are ya?” slays me. Also, whenever I tell the tale of our adopted cat, I like to mention how she was originally named Chelsea, but we renamed her Kero, so that I can deliver this gem of a line: “It doesn’t matter what we call her. If she could speak she’d just tell us her name was Kunta Kit-tay.” No one seems to find this nearly as entertaining as I do. And I so hate laughing at my own jokes, especially when I’m the only one laughing. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![SlickRoenick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@SlickRoenick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlickRoenick)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/78 "2006-02-08T22:31:32Z")
The movies Joe Dirt and Kung Pow. ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/79 "2006-02-08T22:55:15Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > I used to occasionally stumble across a comedian (not like that) who’s entire schtick had something to do with ending a lot of sentences saying “on a stick.” So that became a catch phrase between my husband and I, always delivered with a Speedy Gonzales accent, to ensure a giggle. > > Recently, on my husband’s drive to work, he’d always pass a strip mall with three seperate signs in a row, under one another… > > **DONUTS** > > **GUNS** > > **DAYCARE** > Yup. Welcome to Texas. 🙂 Oh, and Victor Hugo cracked me up. Yeah I drive by this sign everyday too… I live in Blue Ridge, work in Greenville. That pizza joint ain’t bad either. They used to have this big ass foam deer that people would shoot with arrows. I don’t know why. ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/80 "2006-02-08T22:57:53Z")
Camels. Not the smokes. The humped animals. It’s because they come prehumped. I don’t know why that is funny but it is. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242.md?page=5)