# Things that are funny to absolutely no one on this planet besides you **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 6, 2006, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242 "2006-02-06T15:52:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![davenportavenger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f8ce5/32.png) [@davenportavenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davenportavenger)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2006, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/81 "2006-02-08T23:35:39Z")
I work in the research wing of a hospital, and part of my job is entering patient’s files onto Excel sheets. As you know, whenever you boot up Excel there’s that little “Clippy” thing in the corner. Today I was entering colon cancer cases. I almost died when I entered the words “rectal segment resection” and saw Clippy blink. He just looks so innocent. I have the same reaction when I have to enter pap smears and cervical cancer cases. I’m really going to hell. ---
**Author:** ![Sleel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sleel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleel)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/82 "2006-02-09T03:25:52Z")
I make really bad puns in Japanese that I think are pretty amusing and clever but no one else laughs at. Examples: Let’s get the _ikimashô_ on the road. (_Ikimashô_ means, “Let’s go.”) Substituting, “_Kamo? Shirenai_” (I don’t know the duck) for, “_kamoshirenai_” (a sentence-end expression meaning, “I’m not sure”). I was taking a walk in the woods with a _gaijin_ buddy of mine and his dogs. One of them took off after something. He asked if I saw anything, like a _kamoshika_, a kind of deer, and I said, “_Kamo shika inai_,” (There’s nothing but ducks), which is just barely different from _“Kamoshika inai”_ (There’s no deer). Yeah, he didn’t think it was very funny either. Another one of my sins is making up parody lyrics to songs. Depending on my mood, the needs of the joke, or to make it scan properly, I use English, Spanish, Japanese, or any combination of the above. I blame Weird Al. Besame, besame mi culo. . . My fiancée is a saint. ---
**Author:** ![Tikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5daacb/32.png) [@Tikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tikki)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/83 "2006-02-09T04:39:54Z")
Chickens. Plural. Not chicken, singular. Not turkeys, geese or ducks. Chickens. The word just tweaks my mental funny bone. I don’t know why but it does. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/84 "2006-02-09T05:35:35Z")
> [@Kat](#): > > There’s a Emergency Exit door at work with a sign “Door is Alarmed”. No one else gets it. I get it!!! In fact I drew a little :eek: on the sign just in the hopes someone else would get it. Nobody did. Nobody but you. I’d ask you to marry me but I’m already planning on proposing to Sampiro on account of “Victor Yugo”. ---
**Author:** ![Feydeau](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df788c/32.png) [@Feydeau](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feydeau)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/85 "2006-02-09T05:39:26Z")
**Sampiro** is mine. All mine. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/86 "2006-02-09T06:03:46Z")
All of these made me laugh, especially the on-a-steeck! thing. I also must convey **Hilarity N. Suze’s** shirt threat bit to my mother. She would find it sublimely funny. Have I mentioned lately how much I love this place? ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/87 "2006-02-09T06:17:32Z")
> [@Alonzo John Blitz](#): > > the **EQUITABLE BUILDING**. Especially funny given the one they put up in [New York](http://www.emporis.com/en/wm/bu/?id=115589) in 1916, before there were zoning laws that said you had to set back the upper stories of big buildings to share light and air with the neighborhood. So of course this mutha goes _40 stories straight up from the sidewalk._ Equitable, my ass. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/88 "2006-02-09T06:22:21Z")
> [@Feydeau](#): > > **Sampiro** is mine. All mine. 😃 You’ll have to fight me for him!!! Although…err…hmm…marrying a gay guy in a state where vibrators are illegal…ok, perhaps I should rethink… ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/89 "2006-02-09T06:41:24Z")
Along similar lines to the other storefronts, we have **Lover’s Package** next to **Larry’s Guns**. We also used to have **Dog-Grooming Salon** next to **Happy Teriyaki** , but the dog salon closed down. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/90 "2006-02-09T06:43:45Z")
I’m lucky, my sister usually alughs at the same things, and my mom. The following joke crack us all up - How do you stop a clown from laughing? Hit him in the head with and axe We went couch shopping and the salesguy was trying to talk my mom into getting the stainguard/scotchguarding. Salesguy - it protects against all kinds of stains, blood, wine, chocolate, grass and even asphalt. This completely slayed me. I looked at him and said, “Do many people drag their couches along the street and get them stained?” He didn’t laugh, my mom roared. But the weirdes one was there was this commercial for this washing machine and the announcer said “It’s so large it can fit thirteen pairs of jeans in one load.” I looked at my sister and I said, “Wow, thirteen jeans.” And we howled for like thirty minutes. It’s nice we are all so strange, but in the same way 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Agnostic\_Pagan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@Agnostic\_Pagan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agnostic_Pagan)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/91 "2006-02-09T06:44:36Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > I often fantasize about lining my spare bedroom with foil, and setting up and amazing grow operation with hydroponics, those uber deluxe lights, etc. > > And then growing tomatoes. And inviting lots of people over to my house to pick up tomatoes and then leave. > > I imagine the look on the police officers’ faces when they burst in and find nothing but lush, juicy tomatoes. > > This I find completely hilarious. No one else does. I must be no one since I absolutely love the idea. Make sure you have a webcam going when they bust in. My own idea is to steal a bank. Not rob a bank, but to steal the whole building, possibly leaving just the vault (depends on the foundation, ya know.) I’ve been plotting it ever since I saw a building for sale sign on building raised up onto to trailers. I loved it. They meant exactly what they said - find your own damn land. **Shalmanese** Regarding Saving Private Ryan… I completely sympathize with you on this one. One of my favorite comedies is “The Core.” It took itself so frickin’ seriously, I just could not do so myself. When the final scene with the Colonel happens, it was the tipping point and I started rolling on the floor with laughter only to notice the glares from my friends. Ehh? What can ya do? Agnostic Pagan ---
**Author:** ![Sleel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sleel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleel)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/92 "2006-02-09T08:03:21Z")
> [@Agnostic Pagan](#): > > One of my favorite comedies is “The Core.” It took itself so frickin’ seriously, I just could not do so myself. When the final scene with the Colonel happens, it was the tipping point and I started rolling on the floor with laughter only to notice the glares from my friends. Ehh? What can ya do? Oh, holy shit, that movie was so unbelievably bad that you can’t help but laugh at it. One more: I think it’s funny that one of my high school buddies made out with a girl during Schindler’s List. It’s even funnier that he told me about this. He probably still doesn’t see the humor in it. ---
**Author:** ![mamboman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecb155/32.png) [@mamboman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mamboman)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 11:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/93 "2006-02-09T11:04:27Z")
I find James Brown unaccountably hilarious. Well, modern day James Brown anyways. In-his-pomp-James Brown is wicked cool, but the little wind up toy that seems to totter about these days is just the most darlin’, funniest thing. mm ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/94 "2006-02-09T14:39:11Z")
The eventual-to-be ex-husband and I constantly quibble over spare change and the random dollar here and there. Fast forward to me wanting something really cheap to eat at some generic McDonald’s type place. So I unconsciously reached for whatever currency he keeps in his ashtray of the truck. He looks all aghast and says “Getcher ass off my finger foods!” I look at him bewildered and burst into laughter. Now, whenever there’s a small amount of money needed, we yell this in unison. 😃 Another time we were discussing the improbability of my mother accidently landing on something correct amidst all of her vile spewing. To illustrate that it _could_ happen, ETBEH says (along the same lines of _A stopped clock is right twice a day._); “Even a groundhog can find an acorn every once in a while.” Wha? So these days all it takes in relationship to good ol’ mom is a reference to either the animal or the nut to crack us both up. Yep, we’re both so strange. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/95 "2006-02-09T14:42:54Z")
> [@Sleel](#): > > Oh, holy shit, that movie was so unbelievably bad that you can’t help but laugh at it. I _own_ that movie for this specific purpose. For some reason, the whole scene where Stanley Tucci is left behind and talking into the tape recorder sends me into absolute fits. ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/96 "2006-02-09T16:44:58Z")
Nature Girl, told her first joke when she was oh three years old (my god, 6 years ago already?). She clearly understood the structure of a joke without quite understanding the concept of humour. You ask a question, wait to be asked for the answer, provide the answer, people laugh. At the dinner table one day, out of the blue she asks, “Why didn’t the man move?” Honestly stumped I asked, “Why?” “Because he was dead.” Spontaneous eruption of laughter from everyone. Thus emboldened, Nature Girl practically wrote a book of non-jokes. “Because he was dead” remains hilarious to this day. ---
**Author:** ![Lathe\_of\_Heaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Lathe\_of\_Heaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lathe_of_Heaven)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/97 "2006-02-09T16:52:58Z")
For some reason, I think it’s funny to, when someone mentions Rhode Island, frown and say, slowly and thoughtfully, “You know, I’m told it’s not… really… an island?” I usually do this in as deep a voice as I can muster up. I have no idea why I think this is funny. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/98 "2006-02-09T17:16:33Z")
> [@rinni](#): > > A friend of ours came out of the kitchen holding a handful of freezies… Need I remind you that the SDMB rules dictate that you translate your posts into English 😉 ? Seriously, I seek enlightenment from my Canadian brethren… _What the heck is a “freezie”?_ ---
**Author:** ![Jennshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Jennshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennshark)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/99 "2006-02-09T17:44:53Z")
> [@wayward](#): > > At work some time towards the end of last year I was asked to make a sign saying something along the lines of “Safety Goggles Must Be Used When Using This Machine”. My ‘first draft’ was just those words overlaid on [this](http://www.tigerlair.com/hotdogandahalf/bear-goggles.jpg) picture. I was laughing all day. The boss, and the rest of my cow-orkers, were perplexed. Is that your dog, Wayward? I have the exact, same dog!! (Sans safety goggles). I found a stick-pin button at a thrift store in the late '80s that said “Orphan Mania: Catch It!” I thought it was the funniest thing ever and wore it for years on my Levi jacket – no one else thought it was funny. I’m still not certain what it was for . . . promotion for “Annie”? Advocating the abandonment of your children? ---
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/100 "2006-02-09T17:50:27Z")
There was this animated show on MTV eons ago called Cartoon Sushi. One of the shorts was on the them “Broccoli has an I.Q. of 3.” And it was about this broccoli that goes on Jeopardy! Asked to tell the audience a little bit about himself, he proudly says, “I am broccoli!” And then just stares at the host. He answers every question with “Broccoli!” Because, you see, he has an I.Q. of only 3, which is impressive for broccoli, but not very good as game show contestants go. During Final Jeopardy! he leans over and looks at his opponent’s answer and announces, “Wrong. You are wrong.” Of course, he loses because he has answered “BROCCOLI”, and bet it all. (Yes, yes, I know there was no way for him to make it to Final Jeopardy! because he wasn’t phrasing his answers in the form of a question. It was a claymation short about a talking broccoli, okay?) I constantly amuse myself up by telling people, “Wrong. You are wrong,” in a very dismissive tone, which gets me in trouble, because a) it sounds very rude, b) my husband is the only other human on Earth who knows what reference I’m making and c) even he doesn’t think it’s actually funny. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242.md?page=6)