# Things that are funny to absolutely no one on this planet besides you **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 6, 2006, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242 "2006-02-06T15:52:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![sneezy5660](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@sneezy5660](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sneezy5660)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/161 "2007-02-15T00:58:55Z")
While on vacation last year, we went through a small town where the high school mascot was a beaver. There were businesses like Beaver Storage, Beaver Cleaners, etc. I’m glad I wasn’t driving… 🙂 Wanted to get this in before the thread gets closed ---
**Author:** ![cooky173](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71c47a/32.png) [@cooky173](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cooky173)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/162 "2007-02-15T01:44:10Z")
On a website about people getting back at Nigerian scammers, I came across, ‘There’s an old saying in Oregon, you can take the boy out of the rhino, but that tree won’t make a sound if that nut gets cracked.’ I love it, no one else seems to. ---
**Author:** ![Osip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4491bb/32.png) [@Osip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Osip)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/163 "2007-02-15T01:59:47Z")
[QUOTE=Sampiro] Years and years ago when I was a student at Auburn University, there was a sign on the road to Opelika (Auburn’s “can’t tell where one ends and the other begins” adjoining city) advertising a tool company called OPELIKA BOLT & SCREW It cracked me up everytime I saw it. [/QUOTE] I Know that sign. I took my cousin (from switerland) to Auburn for a visit with my sister who was attending classes there. She saw the sign and said out loud. “Alabama is so Backwards” Not seeing the sign I had to ask, then turn around and see for myself. a funny moment ---
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/164 "2007-02-15T05:57:18Z")
[QUOTE=alice\_in\_wonderland] I often fantasize about lining my spare bedroom with foil, and setting up and amazing grow operation with hydroponics, those uber deluxe lights, etc. And then growing tomatoes. And inviting lots of people over to my house to pick up tomatoes and then leave. I imagine the look on the police officers’ faces when they burst in and find nothing but lush, juicy tomatoes. This I find completely hilarious. No one else does. [/QUOTE] I will marry you. ---
**Author:** ![Jaimee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/90ced4/32.png) [@Jaimee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaimee)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/165 "2007-02-15T07:04:51Z")
Ducks have no rhythm. Therefore, I am a Duck. ---
**Author:** ![Jaimee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/90ced4/32.png) [@Jaimee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaimee)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/166 "2007-02-15T07:19:42Z")
Also, I was visiting home in Yellowknife last summer. My friend works at a sign shop. I drove by \this\and I almost crashed… ---
**Author:** ![Jaimee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/90ced4/32.png) [@Jaimee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaimee)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/167 "2007-02-15T07:20:46Z")
crap. my html skills are teh suxxors. ---
**Author:** ![Jaimee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/90ced4/32.png) [@Jaimee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaimee)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/168 "2007-02-15T07:23:18Z")
[Here tis. Whoops I’m dumb.](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/mm8b/hammertime.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Terrorcotta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dbc845/32.png) [@Terrorcotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrorcotta)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/169 "2007-02-15T15:17:13Z")
I think the footage of the narcoleptic dobermans and dacshunds is hysterical. They are so happy, romping and playing then one after the other drops - out cold. The assistants wake them up and they romp again until they fall asleep and fall over. I could watch this over and over. They are so happy and having such…clunk! ---
**Author:** ![Paintcharge](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/paintcharge/32/7946_2.png) [@Paintcharge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paintcharge)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/170 "2007-02-15T15:49:58Z")
[QUOTE=Lathe of Heaven] For some reason, I think it’s funny to, when someone mentions Rhode Island, frown and say, slowly and thoughtfully, “You know, I’m told it’s not… really… an island?” I usually do this in as deep a voice as I can muster up. I have no idea why I think this is funny. [/QUOTE] This one reminds me of what I say whenever asked to open a particularly stuck jar top. Pop the top and say in the deepest voice possible “There ya go, little lady.” Usually to my Mom–she never laughs. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/171 "2007-02-15T16:49:41Z")
Every year on Mother’s Day, my dad would say to my mom, “Hey! Happy muddah’s day!” And she’d go “Hey! I ain’t ya muddah!” I don’t know why it’s funny, but it is. ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/172 "2007-02-15T17:20:48Z")
[QUOTE=Shalmanese] Saving Private Ryan… Went to the movie theatre with a bunch of friends. We had sort of vaguely heard about it but had no idea what to expect. You know that scene, in the opening sequence, where the guys are flailing in the water and drowning and all of a sudden, they get shot in the head and stopped flailing?.. Thats right! I burst out laughing at that scene, I literally couldn’t stop. And a full on gut chuckle, not just a snigger. While everybody else was completely deathly silent at what was at that time the most horrifying depiction of war ever to be put on the big screen. EVERYONE could hear me! I had to rush out of the movie theatre and my friends were mortified. I never actually saw that movie again until about 8 years later. Even today, I can’t stop chuckling through the opening sequence :(. [/QUOTE] I laugh at the part where the guy’s arm gets blown off, and he picks it up like it’s going to help him run away. ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/173 "2007-02-15T17:51:59Z")
[QUOTE=Podkayne] There was this animated show on MTV eons ago called Cartoon Sushi. One of the shorts was on the them “Broccoli has an I.Q. of 3.” And it was about this broccoli that goes on Jeopardy! Asked to tell the audience a little bit about himself, he proudly says, “I am broccoli!” And then just stares at the host. He answers every question with “Broccoli!” Because, you see, he has an I.Q. of only 3, which is impressive for broccoli, but not very good as game show contestants go. During Final Jeopardy! he leans over and looks at his opponent’s answer and announces, “Wrong. You are wrong.” Of course, he loses because he has answered “BROCCOLI”, and bet it all. (Yes, yes, I know there was no way for him to make it to Final Jeopardy! because he wasn’t phrasing his answers in the form of a question. It was a claymation short about a talking broccoli, okay?) I constantly amuse myself up by telling people, “Wrong. You are wrong,” in a very dismissive tone, which gets me in trouble, because a) it sounds very rude, b) my husband is the only other human on Earth who knows what reference I’m making and c) even he doesn’t think it’s actually funny. [/QUOTE] Actually, in that short, Broccoli had an IQ of 10, and “is smartest of vegetables!” Why, yes, I am a geek. The catchphrase from that short that my fiance and I picked up was “Broccoli!” or “Broccoli is smartest of vegetables!” These only come in handy when discussing broccoli, which is one of his least favorite vegetables. ---
**Author:** ![SmartAleq](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smartaleq/32/163_2.png) [@SmartAleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAleq)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/174 "2007-02-15T21:05:22Z")
[QUOTE=WhyNot] My husband was being his usual control freak self. We were being sort of snippy back and forth, packing for a camping trip. Finally, without breaking stride or changing my beleaguered tone, I asked him “Honey, does anal rententive have a hyphen?” [/QUOTE] Someone pulled this line on me once, and I deadpanned back with “no, it doesn’t but it should be anal-LY retentive.” Nobody got it… On the side of a tool company truck: “_It takes a_ **MIGHTY TOOL** _to please a pro_!” No shit?! I’m the only person who thinks this is funny. ---
**Author:** ![Slypork](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9fc29f/32.png) [@Slypork](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slypork)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/175 "2007-02-15T21:59:38Z")
Back in the late 80’s I was skimming through the paper when I ran across an obituary that I found so amusing that I actually cut it out and carried it around in my wallet for a number of years. The headline simply said, \*\* Concepta Unguraitis, Mother of the Casimir Sisters\*\*. Her name sounded like a fertility disease on a soap opera. > [@](#): > > Doctor: I’m sorry, Mrs. Smith, but you have {cue dramatic music} Concepta Unguraitis! > Mrs. Smith: Oh, God! How will I tell Bill? And the name “Casimir Sisters” made me think of a bunch of nuns walking around in very soft wool sweaters saying vespers. My wife thought I was nuts. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2007, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/176 "2007-02-15T22:17:01Z")
[Butt Wind (or Butt Wrap)](http://members.aol.com/captneilf/fishrods/samp.htm) My dad used to build fishing rods. Like many other rodbuilders, he had a ‘signature’ wrap – kind of like a clan’s tartan pattern – that he would affix to finished rods. A friend of mine and I were in the basement picking up some stuff for a camping trip, and my dad was working on a fishing rod. My friend saw the box on the work table, looked at me and said, “Butt wind?” – using the short “i” pronunciation instead of the proper long “i”. My dad didn’t raise his head, but he just lifted his gaze above his spectacles and gave my friend a look of, “Hmph. Another moron.” Yes, Butt Wind has a special meaning to me. ---
**Author:** ![Ellef](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8dc957/32.png) [@Ellef](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellef)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2007, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/177 "2007-02-16T14:38:31Z")
Years ago I went to Tai Chi classes for a while. There wasn’t much in the way of formal teaching; the whole class would just slowly go through the entire routine of movements with those of us who were newcomers copying the more advanced students as best we could. The teacher would walk among us offering a comment or a bit of advice from time to time. I lost it completely when she came alongside me and quietly murmered “less like an orang-utan, Louise”. The rest of the class continued in solemn silence, while I valiantly tried to stifle giggles for the remainder of the 45-minute session. Never could take it seriously again after that. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2007, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/178 "2007-02-16T15:28:01Z")
[QUOTE=Ellef] “less like an orang-utan, Louise”. [/QUOTE] Those are words it would behoove all of us to live by. ---
**Author:** ![Terrorcotta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dbc845/32.png) [@Terrorcotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrorcotta)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2007, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/179 "2007-02-16T15:48:03Z")
I finally remembered this one - a big food warehouse place had an extensive meat department that sold unpackaged hot dogs by the pound but the headline in their ad said - [SIZE=4]\*\* Loose Meat Weiners $1.99lb\*\*[/SIZE] In my head I still hear, “Loose meat weinies, check it and see! I gotta fever of a hundred and three!!” ---
**Author:** ![Fiddle\_Peghead](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiddle_peghead/32/3506_2.png) [@Fiddle\_Peghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiddle_Peghead)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2007, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242/180 "2007-03-05T19:50:10Z")
Frank Sinatra’s sartorial advice: avoid brown suits after 6pm, and NEVER wear a tuxedo on Sunday! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-are-funny-to-absolutely-no-one-on-this-planet-besides-you/343242.md?page=10)