# Things that the English language desperately needs **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 21, 2011, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508 "2011-01-21T22:53:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Doctor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Doctor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/21 "2011-01-23T06:14:58Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Is that really Twain, or just commonly attributed to him? It’s quite clever. As far as I know it is Twain - he was quite a clever fellow. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/22 "2011-01-23T06:27:28Z")
> [@Dervorin](#): > > 1. Words that are simultaneously sexy, dirty, and classy. I want to be able to talk dirty and still sound like I’m adjusting my cravat and sipping Martinis from elegant tall glasses. At the moment, my options are limited to sounding clinical (I would like to express my desire to place the medial digit of my left hand inside your vagina), puerile (Oooh, baby, your va-jay-jay feels so good around my throbbing pee-pee!) or just plain crass (Ah, bitch, your cunt is so fucking wet). Clearly a small chip will have to be implanted in all English speakers’ brains to prevent these newly invented words from becoming debased, but again, that’s a small price to pay. Suggestions for this may be sent to dirtyandyetsophisticated@unclutter.un.organ. The words are there already, you just need to get creative. The use of metaphor, for example, will help a lot with what you are trying to do. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/23 "2011-01-23T06:47:49Z")
> [@Dervorin](#): > > 1. Words that are simultaneously sexy, dirty, and classy. I want to be able to talk dirty and still sound like I’m adjusting my cravat and sipping Martinis from elegant tall glasses. I find your lack of creativity disturbing. Don’t mind me I will be exploring my g/f’s innermost sanctum in search of the origins of pure ecstacy. Vocabulary is a useful tool, learn how to use it. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/24 "2011-01-23T06:49:04Z")
As long as we’re addressing pronoun issues like a gender neutral third person and a plural second person, I want an inclusive and exclusive first person plural. Inclusive we - you and me and maybe some other people. Exclusive we - me and some other people but not you. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/25 "2011-01-23T06:56:39Z")
A simplification of the future verb tense would also be good. Present and past tense can be indicated by the verb alone: I walk, I walked. But future tense requires an auxiliary: I will walk. We should have a future tense equivalent of -ed, let’s say -en. I walk today. I walked yesterday. I walken tomorrow. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/26 "2011-01-23T07:13:01Z")
> [@Max\_the\_Immortal](#): > > Gender-neutral pronouns would be handy, but I have yet to hear a suggestion for one that doesn’t sound silly or downright asinine. Technically we already have them, it’s just that humans are funny about calling themselves “it.” It might make more sense to revamp the attitude than the language; what exactly do we need two gender-neutral pronouns for? ---
**Author:** ![Dervorin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Dervorin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dervorin)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/27 "2011-01-23T14:09:24Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Is this satire making fun of language prescriptivism, or are you serious? > [@Max\_the\_Immortal](#): > > Yeah, my Poe sense is tingling, too. > Gender-neutral pronouns would be handy, but I have yet to hear a suggestion for one that doesn’t sound silly or downright asinine. Note to self: no matter how hard you try to make sarcasm plain on the Internet, there will always be some people who don’t get it. Further note to self: Do not get sarcastic on the Internet when mildly drunk on a Friday evening. The language prescriptivism was sarcastic; but the list of requirements has a tiny kernel of truth. [QUOTE=drachilix] I find your lack of creativity disturbing. Don’t mind me I will be exploring my g/f’s innermost sanctum in search of the origins of pure ecstacy. Vocabulary is a useful tool, learn how to use it. [/quote] Thanks, but I already find that my vocabulary is quite extensive, and my creativity does not fall far behind in this regard. I’m aware that creative options exist, but they vary so much that to employ them is fraught with problems. I seek a universal language of dirty-talk. Call it a bit of idle, fairly tongue-in-cheek (ha!) day-dreaming, if you will. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/28 "2011-01-23T14:51:36Z")
I know it’s an old gripe, but we really could use some more words for the specific types of “love”. A verb that can refer to chocolate, spouse, child, sports team and nail polish isn’t a very useful word. (I eagerly await smart-ass Dopers’ interjections with other verbs that can apply to all of those things, especially the lascivious ones.) ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/29 "2011-01-23T17:18:00Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > A simplification of the future verb tense would also be good. > > Present and past tense can be indicated by the verb alone: I walk, I walked. But future tense requires an auxiliary: I will walk. We should have a future tense equivalent of -ed, let’s say -en. > > I walk today. I walked yesterday. I walken tomorrow. But. Then. Long. Pauses. Between. Words. Requiren. (That’s the Christopher Walken.) ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/30 "2011-01-23T17:40:48Z")
> [@Typo\_Knig](#): > > But. Then. Long. Pauses. Between. Words. Requiren. (That’s the Christopher Walken.) You’d prefer us having to say thinks like “I will wheaton tomorrow”? ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/31 "2011-01-23T17:45:10Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > You’d prefer us having to say thinks like “I will wheaton tomorrow”? That depends. Do you wheat? Have you wheated? If not, then this point is not valid. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/32 "2011-01-23T17:53:22Z")
Meh… count yerselves lucky; in Spanish the possesive pronoun (“su”) is gender-neutral but the converse of that is that common nouns, articles (i.e. the equivalents to “the” and “a/an”) and many adjectives use grammatical gender declensions. This makes gender-inclusive text in Spanish IMO even more aggravating that English because it means sometimes we have to spell out the whole alternative phrase repeatedly through the paragraph. And distinctly conjugated verb tenses are overrated. Over here we have, what, 14 of them? Help yourselves to some. May I suggest the future perfect subjunctive? ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/33 "2011-01-23T18:31:51Z")
> [@Doctor](#): > > > [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > > > Is that really Twain, or just commonly attributed to him? It’s quite clever. > > As far as I know it is Twain - he was quite a clever fellow. 😃 He was, but there appears to be no evidence for Twain’s authorship, beyond everybody’s feeling that it’s the kind of thing Twain _would_ write. See [here](http://www.englishspellingsociety.org/journals/j31/satires.php) for more. > [@Dervorin](#): > > Note to self: no matter how hard you try to make sarcasm plain on the Internet, there will always be some people who don’t get it. The phenomenon actually predates the internet, as Twain among others found. The corollary, however, is that no matter how obviously satiric an item on the internet seems, there will always be somebody who _means_ it. > [@Max\_the\_Immortal](#): > > Gender-neutral pronouns would be handy, but I have yet to hear a suggestion for one that doesn’t sound silly or downright asinine. Not quite the same thing, but FWIW, Greg Egan’s _Distress_ posits “asex” (surgically asexualized people, the midpoint of a gender scale of seven recognized types–and this is maybe only third or fourth on the list of themes) for whom the terminology is _ve_ (subjective), _ver_ (objective), _vis_ (possessive). Silly? It seemed a little so at first, but it became familiar–and the gender theme rather profound–by the end. That said, I use “he” and “she” in a number of contexts which are not intended to mean that the subject is necessarily male or female (“he” in a generalized sense, like “man,” and sometimes “she” to mean a specific, hypothetical, gender-unknown person). You might be surprised how little actual confusion this causes; the objections, if any, are political objections to the words themselves, not functional concerns. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/34 "2011-01-23T19:07:15Z")
I’d be pretty happy with “partner” in casual conversation defaulting to “domestic partner.” I don’t think that’s where we are yet. And yeah, it’s come up. I can’t remember specifics, but it’ll be things like at a party, and someone talking about some project he and his partner are working on, and it sounds vaguely entrepeneurial, but it’s not clear whether he and his husband are opening a restaurant, or he and the guy with business sense are doing so. I like “they” for third-person ungendered singular and “y’all” for second-person plural. ---
**Author:** ![Balthisar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/balthisar/32/2825_2.png) [@Balthisar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balthisar)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/35 "2011-01-23T19:22:08Z")
I unbellyfeel this doubleplusungood idea. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/36 "2011-01-23T19:40:09Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I’d be pretty happy with “partner” in casual conversation defaulting to “domestic partner.” I don’t think that’s where we are yet. Oh, for sure. That’s why I’m advocating. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/37 "2011-01-23T20:30:56Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > He was, but there appears to be no evidence for Twain’s authorship, beyond everybody’s feeling that it’s the kind of thing Twain _would_ write. See [here](http://www.englishspellingsociety.org/journals/j31/satires.php) for more. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/38 "2011-01-23T20:34:50Z")
> [@Balthisar](#): > > I unbellyfeel this doubleplusungood idea. You need another verb in there. Presumably “is”. Undoubleplus Points For Doubleplusunslytherin. ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/39 "2011-01-23T20:35:55Z")
Incidentally, “Y’all” is not Regional, we use it in Texas, which pretty much makes it the standard that the rest of the country should strive for. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508/40 "2011-01-23T20:48:08Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I’d be pretty happy with “partner” in casual conversation defaulting to “domestic partner.” I don’t think that’s where we are yet. > > And yeah, it’s come up. I can’t remember specifics, but it’ll be things like at a party, and someone talking about some project he and his partner are working on, and it sounds vaguely entrepeneurial, but it’s not clear whether he and his husband are opening a restaurant, or he and the guy with business sense are doing so. If it matters, and it rarely does, I ask. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-that-the-english-language-desperately-needs/568508.md?page=3)