I’ll start:
Bill Clinton will admit he knows the meaning of the word “sex.”
The Cartoon Channel will actually show good cartoons instead of Ed, Edd and Eddy and the Powerpuff Girls.
Louie Anderson will lose all his excess weight and become the spokesperson for SlimFast.
Any more?
Christina Aguilera will make out with me.
I will be the willing victim of a rampaging crowd of SDMB wimmens. They shall take me to a large room, and treat me to their passions, All At The Same Time. I will satisfy every one of them multiple times.
Then, I will go to Las Vegas, and win the Megabucks jackpot. With my winnings, I will buy a small island in the south pacific, and stock it with beer and those same wimmens.
Ewwwwwww! (I say this on your behalf, not hers).
(first waves coyly at Mr. Cynical before making her post)
As for what will never happen, I will never stop flirting with total strangers online.
More of a pledge than a prediction I suppose.
I’ll stay in radio and make a good living.
My kids will support me in my old age.
My biceps won’t rip my sleeves right off my shirt when I flex…and my skin won’t change to a lovely hue of green.
Jeri Ryan (Star Trek Voyager) won’t say…" Graeme you’re just what I’ve been looking for…a chubby 36 year old family man…mmmmm, you’re yummy…Take me!!! take me now"
And the # 1 thing that will never happen…I won’t ever achieve 6 inches fully erect…well ok…4"
hijack:
Dude, yuck. I don’t know what you look like but I guarantee you can do better that that! Have you seen the cover of Rolling Stone? She looks like Starvin’ Marvin.
end hijack.
Ok, my list:
Britney Spears will make a public appearence fully clothed.
I will find Hugh Grant attractive.
Tom Cruise/George Clooney will profess their undying love for me.
My computer (not this one, my parents’) will work properly.
MTV will feature intelligent, smart shows aimed at adults and not horny, uneducated high schoolers (I use that term as an insult ;)).
A major network will keep a show with low ratings because it is GOOD (My So-Called Life and Freaks and Geeks, anyone?)
I will listen to my favorite radio station for a whole hour without being tortured by commercial ads.
hijack:
Dude, yuck. I don’t know what you look like but I guarantee you can do better that that! Have you seen the cover of Rolling Stone? She looks like Starvin’ Marvin.
end hijack.
Ok, my list:
Britney Spears will make a public appearence fully clothed.
I will find Hugh Grant attractive.
Tom Cruise/George Clooney will profess their undying love for me.
My computer (not this one, my parents’) will work properly.
MTV will feature intelligent, smart shows aimed at adults and not horny, uneducated high schoolers (I use that term as an insult ;)).
A major network will keep a show with low ratings because it is GOOD (My So-Called Life and Freaks and Geeks, anyone?)
I will listen to my favorite radio station for a whole hour without being tortured by commercial ads.
Sorry 'bout that, guys. I thought I could stop in time to include my sig line (in memory of Wally).
A meteor will not crash into the earth and end all life as we know it.
Part of California will not slide off into the Pacific.
Aliens will not visit this planet offering cures for cancer, AIDS and world hunger.
Sylvester Stallone will not make a good movie.
Starvin’ Marvin…LOL! I saw it at work(grocery store) and I brought her into my office to keep me company. 
How about MTV will play videos. Hell, VH1 plays more better videos than MTV is now.
Ed McMahon (?S?) and Dick Clark will come to my house with an oversized check made out to me for 10 million dollars.
I will get through an entire day without turning on my computer for some reason or another.
Rosie (from the “Jetsons”) will be available to the public for home use.
When I call a tech support of any kind, I will remain on hold for less than 45 minutes.
I will wake up tomorrow to discover there is a brand new 3/4 ton Dodge Ram parked in my driveway with a note that says: “With love from Mom”
Jeri Ryan will say all the things that she was supposed to say to Graeme.
:wally
Esprix
The Chicago Cubs will win a World Series.
I will break par for 18 holes.
The Costanzas (A Seinfeld Spinoff)
:joins Brunetter in waving oh so coyly at Mr. Cynical:
The following things will never happen:
[ul]
[li]I will understand the appeal of Matt Damon & Ben Affleck.[/li][li]I will do my dishes often enough to avoid eating dinner out of cans.[/li][li]I will leave for a vacation without being convinced I’ve forgotten something vital, like underwear.[/li]
[/ul]
You can add the Red Sox to this one too…
Zev Steinhardt
And the Orioles. It’s not looking good for my boys.
They’re all a bunch of :wally’s anyway!
I will wake up one morning with a complete and total understanding of how my husband thinks, thus improving our happiness tenfold.
He will do the same.
The world will forget about OJ Simpson and just-move-on-fer-crissakes.
Celine Dion will take Dr. Denis Leary’s advice and “shut the f*ck up”.
Jennifer Love Hewitt will make a wise career choice.
Things that will never happen:
No one will ever tell me: Oh my god, it’s too big!
[ul]
[li]I will flame someone without coming off as an immature fool or a joker unable to be serious in his insults. (Who, besides an immature fool, is actually serious in a flame war? Seeing all those insults flying around with no possibility of physical violence is LMAO funny!)[/li][li]I will be able to listen to country ‘music’ (I use the term music loosely) without thinking of manure-pitcher insults.[/li][li]I will be able to consider an iMac a real computer. (No floppy drive, the monitor jammed into what by all rights should be a tower, what else must I say?)[/li][li]I will understand the appeal of such scum as N*Sync.[/li][/ul]
Okay, this is becoming a rant. How about this:
[ul]
[li]A solid block of osmium 1 kilometer cubed will float down the Mississippi River without external help.[/li][li]A highest prime will be found by some idiot with an iMac.[/li][li]A highest prime will ever be found.[/li][li]The sun will begin to spew uranium.[/li][li]We will find a neutron with a half-life of one second.[/li][li]2+2=5 on a computer that is not using a notation system that hides but still computes fractional values.[/li][li]13 will turn out to be non-prime.[/li][/ul]
I doubt that second list will set a tone for the rest of the thread, but it is technically in keeping with the OP.