# Things to say to children that will screw them up, not serious **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 28, 2005, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494 "2005-12-28T21:33:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2005, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/1 "2005-12-28T21:33:41Z")
I stole these two. One from “Family Guy” the other from a doper, but I forgot their name. So if it’s you, speak up. Child: Why did the Dinosaurs go extinct? Adult: Because you touch yourself at night. Child: Why does it rain? Adult: Because God’s crying. Child: Why is God crying? Adult: I don’t know. Probably because of something you did. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2005, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/2 "2005-12-28T21:38:23Z")
Tell them that M&M’s will make them fart. ---
**Author:** ![Makei\_III](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e79b87/32.png) [@Makei\_III](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Makei_III)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2005, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/3 "2005-12-28T21:57:45Z")
Tell them the CIA will make them. ---
**Author:** ![CBCD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@CBCD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CBCD)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2005, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/4 "2005-12-28T22:04:24Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > I stole these two. One from “Family Guy” the other from a doper, but I forgot their name. So if it’s you, speak up. > > Child: Why does it rain? > Adult: Because God’s crying. > Child: Why is God crying? > Adult: I don’t know. Probably because of something you did. Jack Handy said the above. This Christmas, I gave each one of my three children an envelope containing money. It was a fairly nice chunk of change for a 22, 19, and 16 year old. As they opened the envelopes I said ‘By the way, I gave you all different amounts of money.’ Yes, they know their mother is out to warp them! ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2005, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/5 "2005-12-28T22:10:55Z")
My best friend used to tell his nephew when he was doing something even slightly precarious: Don’t do that! You are going to trip and fall and die. That is what happened to your older brother. He didn’t ever have an older brother. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2005, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/6 "2005-12-28T22:17:13Z")
My personal favorite is “Daddy drinks because you cry” Any reference to toileting should be “Feeding the aligator.” And f they ask, yes, there is an aligator in a pen deep under every home that eats sewage, but don’t worry because they’re almost always too big to crawl up the pipes for a bite of something more fresh. ---
**Author:** ![cher3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cher3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cher3)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2005, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/7 "2005-12-28T22:19:19Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > Tell them that M&M’s will make them fart. Most kids I know would take this as an endorsement. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2005, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/8 "2005-12-28T22:52:28Z")
Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![gooftroopag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e8c25b/32.png) [@gooftroopag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gooftroopag)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2005, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/9 "2005-12-28T23:10:48Z")
The only reason I like broccoli is because when I misbehaved as a child my uncle would force feed me the stuff. I ate so much I grew to like it. If you don’t stop \ I’m going to do the same to you. Beer is made of horse pee. That’s why there are always horses in beer commericals, they have to work up a good pee. ---
**Author:** ![Plinth\_percher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc348/32.png) [@Plinth\_percher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plinth_percher)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2005, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/10 "2005-12-28T23:50:04Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS. Why? Isn’t this a perfect IMHO topic? Have you read the forum descriptions lately? ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2005, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/11 "2005-12-28T23:53:48Z")
Frankie, run and bring me the scissors! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2005, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/12 "2005-12-29T01:05:47Z")
Tell them they were a mistake. (I did that to my sister). ---
**Author:** ![Declan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecae2f/32.png) [@Declan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declan)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2005, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/13 "2005-12-29T01:16:00Z")
On Xmas nite I was at a friends place watching some movies and drinking a few ales ,and thought I had arrived with enough time to spare , after the kid had gone to bed. So about a half way through watching Exorcism of Emily Rose , guess who wakes up ( an aside parents , want a peaceful household , don’t buy toys that need batteries) and procedes to do what any 3 year old does with new toys. Then the DVD glitched , and the little boy asks WHY , so I tell him, its cause of that fancy little gizmo toy that makes a really awful racket and its all his fault. Declan ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2005, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/14 "2005-12-29T02:32:15Z")
“May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2005, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/15 "2005-12-29T02:35:29Z")
Careful, **EJsGirl** …you’ll wind up getting a special test. ---
**Author:** ![Llama\_Llogophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@Llama\_Llogophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Llama_Llogophile)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2005, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/16 "2005-12-29T02:58:26Z")
This is my kind of thread. Messing with kids’ heads is a major hobby of mine. My current favorite goes like this: \*Me: How old are you? Kid: 8 Me: Really, what’s it like? You see, I was never 8. I skipped directly from 7 to 9. Had to get special permission to do that. \* The smarter ones challenge me on this. The dumber ones just wander off with puzzled looks. A similar exchange ensues when I check their math skills. Depending on the age, I ask them something like “What’s 2 + 2?”. When they answer 4 I then question it, claiming that when I was a kid it was 5 and that they must have changed it since I was in school. Little bastards need to be confused more often. Toughens 'em up. ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2005, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/17 "2005-12-29T03:45:58Z")
> [@Mach Tuck](#): > > A similar exchange ensues when I check their math skills. Depending on the age, I ask them something like “What’s 2 + 2?”. When they answer 4 I then question it, claiming that when I was a kid it was 5 and that they must have changed it since I was in school. This was among my grandfather’s favorite mindfucks. Him: What’s 1 and 1? Us: 2. Him: No, it’s 11. Us: Oh, I get it. Him: What’s 1 and 1? Us: 11. Him: What are they teaching you these days? 1 and 1 has been 2 for as long as I’ve been alive. He’d kill hours like that. ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2005, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/18 "2005-12-29T03:57:22Z")
I remember my dad telling me and my brother to eat our vegetables because, “They’ll put hair on your chest!” I recall sitting in front of my plate, wailing, “I don’t _want_ a hairy chest!!” ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2005, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/19 "2005-12-29T04:01:19Z")
> [@Mach Tuck](#): > > This is my kind of thread. Messing with kids’ heads is a major hobby of mine. > > My current favorite goes like this: > > \*Me: How old are you? > > Kid: 8 > > Me: Really, what’s it like? You see, I was never 8. I skipped directly from 7 to 9. Had to get special permission to do that. \* > > The smarter ones challenge me on this. The dumber ones just wander off with puzzled looks. Whenever I try this I scew it soemwhere. It usually involves me saying things like “Abbadon” and “lakes of fire” and “insatiable hunger for human flesh”. Although this messes the kids up anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2005, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/20 "2005-12-29T04:01:41Z")
ooo, just remembered. A co-worker of mine has this hilarious book called, “Lies to Tell Small Children.” One of my favorite lies in the book (paraphrased): (page has drawing of a big hill with a bright sun overhead) "The sun burns out each day and they have to put up a new one. All the old ones are on the other side of that hill - " (big arrow pointing over hill where burnt-out suns are piled up on the ground). “They cut the old ones up and make them into margarine.” 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494.md?page=2)