# Things to say to children that will screw them up, not serious **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 28, 2005, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494 "2005-12-28T21:33:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/41 "2005-12-30T03:32:17Z")
> [@zoogirl](#): > > Oh, oh, I’ve got another math one! My dad did this to me… > > Get a kid that has just learned to add. Tell him he’s got eleven fingers. Then you demonstrate it. > > Hold up both hands. As quickly as possible, count off the fingers of one hand backwards - “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six… okay, six plus five is eleven, right?” 😕 > > The trick is to do it fast and smooth. It usually takes a couple of run-throughs before they figure it out. 😃 As a little kid I’d already heard this one and knew the trick. So when a great-uncle of mine told me he could prove he had _nine_ fingers I figured(being the sophisticated know-it-all) that it was another trick. So he counted his fingers real fast and there were just nine. I was puzzled at my inability to figure out his trick and made him hold his hands still. Well, the joke on me was that he really _was_ missing a finer. I think it was the middle finger on his left hand. The same great-uncle also bamboozled me with the old wive’s tale about how if you can put salt on a bird’s tale it won’t be able to fly, and you can catch it. I remember waiting all morning at his back door, salt shaker in hand, running out and never catching a bird. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/42 "2005-12-30T05:30:06Z")
When I was 15 and my little brother was 9, we were in the car with my dad at the drive through ATM, and I made some comment about how stupid it was that the numbers had braille on them. Then he looked at me like I was stupid and said, “Of course they have braille on them! How else can blind people tell which number is on which button?” I laugh, thinking my dad is just being dumb, and after a minute my brother says, “hey, wait, how can blind people drive if they can’t see?” Well, this was obviously what my father was waiting for, because he goes into this long story about how the bumps on the road are braille and it is so that blind people can drive safely. The story went on for about ten minutes, talking about how seeing eye dogs bark once for left and twice for right so that they know where to turn, etc. For almost a year my little brother was convinced that blind people were out driving on the roads with everyone else, and that any time you passed a car with a dog in the passenger seat, that was a blind person driving. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/43 "2005-12-30T05:59:37Z")
My friend’s uncle had a stepdaughter. One day she was playing around with his aftershave, she put some on the way she’d seen him do. He gave her a look of absolute horror and said “Aftershave is what makes beards grow!”. The poor little thing was terrified that she was going to grow a beard. My husband’s (much younger) sisters weren’t allowed to have their hair cut when they were little, and so he used to scare them with tales about how your hair bleeds when you have it cut. When they were acting up, he’d threaten to tie them to the roof and let the birds eat them. They always loved going to McDonalds with him to get a “sad” meal (it’s the big brother version of a happy meal). ---
**Author:** ![Marlitharn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/44 "2005-12-30T06:34:28Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > The same great-uncle also bamboozled me with the old wive’s tale about how if you can put salt on a bird’s tale it won’t be able to fly, and you can catch it. :smack: :smack: :smack: Until you said that, it never occurred to me that my grandfather wasn’t tellng the truth. ---
**Author:** ![Coil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Coil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coil)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/45 "2005-12-30T09:49:27Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > The same great-uncle also bamboozled me with the old wive’s tale about how if you can put salt on a bird’s tale it won’t be able to fly, and you can catch it. > [@Marlitharn](#): > > :smack: :smack: :smack: > > Until you said that, it never occurred to me that my grandfather wasn’t tellng the truth. Well, any bird which you manage to put salt on the tail off is either dead or a non-flying species. Either way it can’t fly so maybe there’s some truth behind it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![FisherQueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/58f4c7/32.png) [@FisherQueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FisherQueen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/46 "2005-12-30T13:37:01Z")
“Jesus died horribly because you were bad.” ---
**Author:** ![Idlewild](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8491ac/32.png) [@Idlewild](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idlewild)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/47 "2005-12-30T14:44:09Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > Heh, heh. My brothers were in High School in the late 60’s. They were smoking dope in their room and covering the smell by burning incense; my parents, being the passive-aggressive non-confrontational types that made me the shy, quiet, introverted geek I am today, didn’t want to just come out and tell them not to smoke dope, particularly because it wouldn’t have worked. > > So my mom told them she’d rather they didn’t burn incense, because it made her sneeze. > > Rats, they figured. We can’t smoke dope without covering the smell. So they stopped. Stopped smoking at home, anyway… > > Fast-forward fifteen years. My parents have returned from a trip to Germany where they bought some wooden statue incense burners. You pull the torso off of the legs, there’s a little metal dish. You put an incense cone on the metal plate, light it, put the torso back on and the smoke comes out the mouth so it looks like the wooden guy is smoking. My parents have these things going non-stop. > > My brother says, “Hey, I thought incense makes you sneeze!” > > My mom says, “No, we just told you that to get you to stop smoking dope in the house.” > > My brother: :eek: And then in the late 80s, early 90s, my parents pulled this same stuff on my brother. Not identical… just mum musing: “Ah, the smell of patchouli coming from your room really brings back memories. You know, back when I was young, all the kids who smoked pot would burn incense to cover the smell.” I don’t think he smoked much pot/burned much incense at home after that! ---
**Author:** ![velvetjones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5f9b8f/32.png) [@velvetjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetjones)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/48 "2005-12-30T15:27:55Z")
I don’t think this seriously injured anyone physically or psychologically but my dad used to pull this trick: He’s put out his hand like he wanted to shake your hand. If you extended your hand to shake his he’d grab it and begin to pump your arm with vigor while reciting "I’m from the Ajax pump company. We sell pumps. New pumps, old pumps, second hand pumps, bilge pumps, blue pumps, sweet pumps, sour pumps etc. etc. etc. etc. this would go on for several minutes. While he rapidly recited every kind of pump he could think of many of which didn’t exist and were ridiculous all the while he was furiously pumping your arm up and down. After several minutes and just when you thought you could stand no more he’d end the tirade with “Wanna buy a pump kid?”. I used to love that schtick. 🙂 You never knew when it was coming. Sometimes you’d just be holding out your hand waiting for him to hand you something that you’d asked for and the next thing you know it’s the Ajax Pump Company. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Spiff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiff/32/9852_2.png) [@Spiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiff)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/49 "2005-12-30T15:44:16Z")
Whenever my two young kids were in earshot, I pronounced Africa as uh-FRICK-uh and fragile as fruh-JILL-ee. (I think the latter came from a Marx Brother routine, but I’m not sure.) I also told my young daughter that Drop Bears (an old Australian canard) were real creatures. As a result, every so often, the kids would come home from school and tell me I was full of s\*\*t! My daughter is adopted, and she has known this from a very early age. Her older brother, who is not adopted, once asked me, “Dad, if I were adopted, would tell me?” I replied, “No.” P.S. My son really does use the subjunctive, I swear! ---
**Author:** ![kelvinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9fc348/32.png) [@kelvinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kelvinator)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/50 "2005-12-30T15:58:49Z")
When my son was about 2 1/2 he first noticed an ice cream truck and all the kids running to it. He wanted to go too but we told him it was the broccoli truck and all the kids were getting great big bowls of broccoli. He immediately said he was not interested. Fast forward to when he is 5. He comes back from visiting his grandparents, with the exciting news that the broccoli truck also serves ice cream! Oh well, we were spared two summers of begging and whining. ---
**Author:** ![TwoTrouts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9adbd/32.png) [@TwoTrouts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwoTrouts)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/51 "2005-12-30T16:59:11Z")
> [@Spiff](#): > > Whenever my two young kids were in earshot, I pronounced Africa as uh-FRICK-uh and fragile as fruh-JILL-ee. (I think the latter came from a Marx Brother routine, but I’m not sure.) Ha! My little brother managed to get laughed at in class once because he believed when I told him that “Arizona” is pronounced “uh-RIZ-un-uh”. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/52 "2005-12-30T21:16:57Z")
> [@Spiff](#): > > fragile as fruh-JILL-ee. (I think the latter came from a Marx Brother routine, but I’m not sure.) It’s from _Animal Crackers._ Same movie has the “shot an elephant in my pajamas” joke. ---
**Author:** ![HubZilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ccd318/32.png) [@HubZilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HubZilla)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/53 "2005-12-31T00:06:36Z")
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. My favorite from Jack Handey! Okay, IRL: My brother’s name was Derek, and I told him how he got his name. He was born and Mom said “Isn’t be beautiful”. Doctor said “Actually, he looks like a _dork_”. Mom: “_Derek_, what a nice name!” ---
**Author:** ![Citizen\_Bob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@Citizen\_Bob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Citizen_Bob)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/54 "2006-01-02T03:59:31Z")
One that was pulled on me, quite by accident - led to a long line of bizarre world-views I had as a child. It might be something I would try on my own child as an experiment from the outside. My parents attended university lectures when I was young and I happened in on one theological discussion about “proof of God”. Now, being 3 years old, I had an extremely limited vocabulary and I found the lecture horribly boring. I would imaine that I felt as if I were Paris Hilton at the ‘Innoventions’ section at Disney World, Epcot. Anyway, there was a point where I began to comprehend a few words which I was able to memorize, though I had no clue what they meant. The statement made was: “The Sun is God’s umbilical cord to us” I pulled on my mom’s arm and beged that she explain to me what an umbilical cord was – she tried to explain a couple of times, but I had no seen a birth and did not remember my own very well. Finally, she told me to hush… and the followed after a small pause, “it’s like your belly button”. AHA! Hmmm, [The Sun = God’s Belly Button] is the relation I intuited via transitivity and stubled away in confusion. As I stared at the sun, and looked at my own belly button. – It led to some weird freaking dreams until I was 5 or so. ---
**Author:** ![JimSox5](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b5a626/32.png) [@JimSox5](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimSox5)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/55 "2006-01-02T05:15:49Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > It’s from _Animal Crackers._ Same movie has the “shot an elephant in my pajamas” joke. It’s also on _A Christmas Story_ [sub]It must be Italian. . .[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/56 "2006-01-02T05:45:58Z")
When one of my daughters whines about some perceived unfairness and asks why her sister got something she didn’t, I always say, “We just _like_ her better, honey.” This might be cruel if I didn’t alternate telling it to each of them within the other’s hearing. And if they weren’t accustomed to their mother’s strangeness. ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/57 "2006-01-02T06:12:50Z")
Offer a kid five dollars if they kiss the end of their elbows. If they complain of being thirsty, tell them to drink their spit. If hungry, eat their tongue. Monkey heads are always for dinner. The bogeyman will get them if the don’t watch out. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/58 "2006-01-02T20:44:13Z")
> [@TwoTrouts](#): > > Ha! My little brother managed to get laughed at in class once because he believed when I told him that “Arizona” is pronounced “uh-RIZ-un-uh”. Of course! That’s where puh-HONE-ix is. When I was a wee little Nott (so they tell me) my older brother, in order to keep me out of the basement, told me there were ghosts down there. Next day, Mom asked me to go into the basement to get something. “No-o-o-o-o, Mommy! There are goats down there!” My dad’s favorite put down was, “You’re a failure.” He taught me I was weak and clumsy. People, don’t ever do that. ---
**Author:** ![Taters](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/taters/32/2845_2.png) [@Taters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taters)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/59 "2006-01-02T21:22:41Z")
When my kids were little and would ask what we were having for dinner, I’d tell them we were having fried cat poop rolled in used kitty litter. I also used to tell them mommys never fart, so therefore I don’t fart. They believed that one for looooooong time. ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494/60 "2006-01-04T16:47:53Z")
I was driving along with my twelve-year-old daughter. “I’ve driven this road so much, I could almost drive it in my sleep.” Pause. " Y’know, I bet I can drive it with my eyes closed." I closed my right eye (the one on her side). “See?’” (I let the car wander a bit for added excitement) “Daaaaddddddd!!!” It was very effective; one of my finest moments as a child-teasing Daddy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-to-say-to-children-that-will-screw-them-up-not-serious/337494.md?page=4)