# Things you are dying to say, but just can't **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 13, 2012, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630 "2012-03-13T09:25:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/21 "2012-03-13T19:21:50Z")
You volunteered to do this, please fucking \*do \*what you volunteered to do! NOW! ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/22 "2012-03-13T19:38:35Z")
Stop going fishing 7 days a week and get a fucking JOB! Or…OR if you NEED to go fishing 7 days a week, rein it in to only posting about it once a week not 3 times a day. ARGH! ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/23 "2012-03-13T20:13:04Z")
“I don’t trust her because she’s AN EMBEZZLER.” My father knows that’s right behind my teeth. He also knows that I’m not going to say it to a dying man. ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/24 "2012-03-13T20:29:39Z")
Listen up, little boy: if you don’t stop harassing my daughter, I’m gonna make a road trip just to make you miserable. She broke up with you because you’re an insecure whiny little control freak. Months later, you haven’t changed, and you are, quite frankly, causing me a lot of worry. It will be much harder to be a stalker while you’re in traction … I’m just sayin’. (I really, really don’t like to get overly involved in my college-aged girl’s personal business. I may have to if this shit doesn’t stop. I am way too hormonal to deal with this rationally right now.) ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/25 "2012-03-13T20:35:49Z")
“I think I’m in love with you, though I might not be… I’m not sure. Either way, you affect me like only one other person in my life ever has. I wish we could turn back the clock.” ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/26 "2012-03-13T20:36:56Z")
Almost everything I want to say to everyone boils down to some form of “shut up”. I answer the phone at work. Approximately one percent of people begin by stating their business (i.e., “I need your fax number”), the other ninety-nine percent want to ask how I am (though we’ve never met), and then give me a brief history of the patient including their birthdate and what the doctor says about the case before finally asking for the fax number. Or whatever tiny scrap of information they need that could have been dealt with so much more succinctly. Do you not hear the other three lines ringing in the background? Get to the fucking point! Don’t they teach this in school or something? Well, they should. Then there’s the co-workers who want to chitter-chat, when it’s plain we’re all up to our asses in alligators. “Is it Friday yet?” “I’m so tired!” “Hot enough for ya?” Fuck off, you banal bitch! Then there is the very special case of the lady up the hall. I’m giving serious consideration to writing her an anonymous letter, since it is plain that her parents never taught her how to modulate her voice. It’s very high-pitched at the best of times, and she has a squeal that could shatter glass, which she thinks is appropriate to use at least nine times a day. “Oh HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” “CAWFEE?!” “OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWD!” Does she not notice everyone flinching when she speaks? Things toppling off desks? Car alarms starting out in the parking lot? Animals fleeing? Shut up, shut up, shut up! ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/27 "2012-03-13T20:42:30Z")
“Wow, those are really great tits.” ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/28 "2012-03-13T21:17:22Z")
> [@stolatt](#): > > You seem to have money to see shows and get your hair all spiffy. Think you could pay back the fricking money you owe me? Right? Mine was “Hey, thanks for bragging to me about the trashy, poorly done matching tattoos you and your girlfriend got when you owe me $700 and claim that you’re so damn ‘broke’ all the time, you fucking asshole.” Except I really did say that and then I wrote off the money and considered myself down one brother. ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/29 "2012-03-13T21:32:54Z")
Oh, here’s some more (not directed at the same people) “It bothers me that your pets have become more important to you than pretty much anything else in your life.” “I find you amazingly sexy, and want to do things with you that would be illegal in some states, and leave you completely, if pleasurably, worn-out for days.” ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/30 "2012-03-13T23:20:23Z")
Yes, your loved one was a police officer. However, he died in bed with his girlfriend. He did not “die a hero” no matter how much you want to pretend. Committing suicide when you are upset with your exwife is not an admirable action. Those tattooed-on eyebrows are hideous. HIDEOUS!!! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! \<\<\<\<\ **Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/31 "2012-03-13T23:26:09Z") Someday my inner Fashion Police is going to become my outer Fashion Police and I will find myself saying out loud: “In _no universe_ does that skirt go with that top.” “Wearing clothes–and underclothes–two sizes too small does \*not \*make you look sexy, or thinner.” “Pull your goddam pants up.” “A sparkly little cocktail dress? On your way \*to \*work? At 8:00 a.m.? _Really?_” “Get your damn roots touched up, you have a 2”-wide stripe down your part." ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/32 "2012-03-13T23:47:19Z")
> [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](#): > > . . . “If I ever hear you shouting into my ear again I will personally gag you with a three day old banana.” That one made me feel queasy. Fortunately, I don’t shout. At least, not if you don’t shout first, and then it won’t be in your ear. > [@h.sapiens](#): > > To the co-worker whose office door is about 10 feet from my cubicle: “Do you even _have_ an indoor voice? If so, please start using it.” Ooo. Fun team building exercise! Impossible scavenger hunt! On the list: Co-worker’s inside voice. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Tyger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Silver\_Tyger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Tyger)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2012, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/33 "2012-03-13T23:57:37Z")
To my coworker: Dude, what is that and why does it look like a rusty dildo? (it’s some sort of pipe, but every time I see it…) ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2012, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/34 "2012-03-14T00:05:35Z")
“No, I don’t care about your baby. I’m hoping it will die and you will be rendered infertile.” ---
**Author:** ![florez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b9e5f3/32.png) [@florez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/florez)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2012, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/35 "2012-03-14T00:14:31Z")
You are a totally unforgiving person, and I will never forgive you for that! ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2012, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/36 "2012-03-14T00:55:19Z")
“No! I did not have a good childhood like you ‘prayed I would,’ you freaking bitch. When you gave me up you threw me into the jaws of hell.” To my biological mother who was dying of cancer when I met her so I couldn’t say it. To the lady who runs the cash register who draws eyebrows on her forehead, but whose _natural eyebrows are still there underneath,_ Thank You! It gives me a good laugh everytime I go pick up my medicine. ---
**Author:** ![Schrodinger\_s\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Schrodinger\_s\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Schrodinger_s_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2012, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/37 "2012-03-14T01:36:22Z")
To the parent of one of my students: If you don’t get help for the anger issues now, you will regret it when he’s too big to remove from the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2012, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/38 "2012-03-14T01:45:20Z")
Regarding modern eyebrows - what I want to say to a lot of modern women is, "Why do you hate your eyebrows so much that you’d do [THAT to them?"](http://www.theluxuryspot.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Picture-11.png) (I suspect that picture should have a warning on it for **Eve**. 🙂 ) ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2012, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/39 "2012-03-14T02:01:59Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Someday my inner Fashion Police is going to become my outer Fashion Police and I will find myself saying out loud: > > “In _no universe_ does that skirt go with that top.” > > “Wearing clothes–and underclothes–two sizes too small does \*not \*make you look sexy, or thinner.” > > “Pull your goddam pants up.” > > “A sparkly little cocktail dress? On your way \*to \*work? At 8:00 a.m.? _Really?_” > > “Get your damn roots touched up, you have a 2”-wide stripe down your part." Someday when my filter quits filtering, I will happily join your Fashion SWAT Team. We’ll have to be on cable TV, after ten p.m., with “mature audience” warnings, thanks to the probability for blunt language and violence. ---
**Author:** ![Maiira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Maiira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maiira)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2012, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630/40 "2012-03-14T02:37:09Z")
“You. Immediate supervisor. Stop being useless. And answer your fucking calls the first time we call you, not the third.” “When my nose is in a book, that means I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. Bugger off.” “Will you all stop being stupid little brats for one fucking second?” “Your way of doing things is stupid, inefficient, paranoid, and insane. Also, stop treating me like a five-year-old or I will start acting like one.” “I have nothing but contempt for you.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-are-dying-to-say-but-just-cant/615630.md?page=3)