# Things you don't want to hear your boss say **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 10, 2003, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811 "2003-04-10T16:15:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Black\_Train\_Song](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4da419/32.png) [@Black\_Train\_Song](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Black_Train_Song)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/21 "2003-04-10T18:44:30Z")
My boss took one of my co-workers to an apple orchid to pick apples. Does that count? (we’re all male sewer workers) ---
**Author:** ![gvsantos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a88e4f/32.png) [@gvsantos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gvsantos)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/22 "2003-04-10T18:48:28Z")
Santos, not only are you fired but your wife is leaving you for me. She says she needs a “real man” ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/23 "2003-04-10T18:56:29Z")
**Santos** , the only way that could be worse is if your boss was female. Um, that didn’t really happen to you did it? ---
**Author:** ![CRorex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CRorex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CRorex)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/24 "2003-04-10T19:21:04Z")
“Colin, umm you can’t leave work, the SAPD have the building quarentined” ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/25 "2003-04-10T19:31:09Z")
wake up. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/26 "2003-04-10T19:38:43Z")
“Pull my finger.” ---
**Author:** ![ForgottenLore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5e9695/32.png) [@ForgottenLore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ForgottenLore)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/27 "2003-04-10T19:49:06Z")
“Who the hell are you?” ---
**Author:** ![esp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@esp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/esp)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/28 "2003-04-10T19:51:58Z")
“What, exactly, would you say you **do** here at \?” two officespace quotes in one thread? whoa ---
**Author:** ![gvsantos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a88e4f/32.png) [@gvsantos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gvsantos)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/29 "2003-04-10T20:05:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Gorgon Heap \* > \*\ ***Santos** , the only way that could be worse is if your boss was female. > > Um, that didn’t really happen to you did it? \*\* Ouch! Well, I actually am getting laid off in two weeks but the wife is still with me… for now ---
**Author:** ![modro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@modro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/modro)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/30 "2003-04-10T20:23:32Z")
Something that was actually said where I work (not to me, thankfully) that resulted in the firing of a supervisor… “So, if I put a ribbon around my cock, would you remove it with your teeth?” If said to me, I have no idea what I would do… ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/31 "2003-04-10T21:19:34Z")
All she needs to do is say my name, and the tiny hairs on the back of my neck rise. Or she will breeze by my cube, asking if I have a second- as if it’s a question- and would I please come to her office? _shudder_ Her voice is nails on chalkboard. You never know whether she wants to discuss the color of her sweater or a case that is completely effed up. ---
**Author:** ![Dumbguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dumbguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dumbguy)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/32 "2003-04-11T00:10:19Z")
I once had a boss say that he had an old friend coming to town and did I know where they could score some hookers. When I asked him why he thought I’d know he said, “You’re young.” ---
**Author:** ![Punoqllads](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@Punoqllads](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Punoqllads)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/33 "2003-04-11T01:09:22Z")
“We need to reduce headcount, but we won’t lay off anyone. We’ll manage via attrition.” Meaning: “We won’t give anyone a package to leave, so as all the good employees start leaving, our revenue will drop faster than our reductions in salaries. Finally, we’ll tank and our competitors will buy us up for pennies on the dollar.” “Yes, your options are underwater, but our stock is undervalued.” Meaning: “Leave now, before we get delisted from the NYSE.” “We withdrew our lawsuit against them so that we can enter negotiations with them about licensing our patents.” Meaning: “In eight weeks, I’m going to jump ship and become their CEO, leaving you to hold the bag, you jerks.” “You’re a great employee, very talented, and have regularly gone above and beyond the call of duty.” Meaning: “This will soften the blow when we show you the door next week.” Yes, all of these are real. ---
**Author:** ![Taters](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/taters/32/2845_2.png) [@Taters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taters)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/34 "2003-04-11T02:02:36Z")
How about: “I’m going to give you the opportunity to excel” ``` "Come see me when you have a minute, I have a little project for you" Usually means month long project that was due two days ago. "Your leave is cancelled" ``` ---
**Author:** ![Shabadu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/46a35a/32.png) [@Shabadu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shabadu)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/35 "2003-04-11T02:07:19Z")
“If your brains were as big as your tits you’d be a genius”. Okay, so I had just hit him with a box I threw, but still. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/36 "2003-04-11T02:16:27Z")
In a meeting with an upper level manager, I was told the following: “You’re being reasonable. Stop that.” ---
**Author:** ![Who\_me\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/958977/32.png) [@Who\_me\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Who_me_1)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/37 "2003-04-11T03:50:17Z")
Since I get all the jobs my boss doesn’t have a clue how to do… I’m with **Evil Captor** with the “We’ve got a problem…” idea… That and “We need someone to…” ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/38 "2003-04-11T04:16:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by modro \* > \*\*Something that was actually said where I work (not to me, thankfully) that resulted in the firing of a supervisor… > > “So, if I put a ribbon around my cock, would you remove it with your teeth?” > > If said to me, I have no idea what I would do… \*\* Oooo, sorry. The correct answer is; “The ribbon or your cock?” The worst for me was “can I see you in my office” - at 6pm on the friday before New Years weekend a few years ago. ---
**Author:** ![Pixiesnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Pixiesnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixiesnix)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/39 "2003-04-11T04:35:08Z")
“Say, have you ever performed as a clown? My daughter’s eighth birthday party is coming up this weekend…” Or, alternatively: “Say, have you ever performed as a clown? My wife will be out of town this weekend…” ---
**Author:** ![Emperor\_Penguin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c2a13f/32.png) [@Emperor\_Penguin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emperor_Penguin)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811/40 "2003-04-11T05:31:58Z")
“Some kid took a whiz on the slide…” or “The guys toilet is clogged again…” Both things that I have had told me after I was cornered, and therefore couldn’t run away. At times like that, projectile vomiting as a distractionary measure would have been so useful. Needless to say, in the latter case, much gagging and dry heaving was involved. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-your-boss-say/167811.md?page=3)