# Things you never dreamed you'd say, then you became a parent **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 25, 2009, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913 "2009-11-25T15:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/1 "2009-11-25T15:50:45Z")
Examples from my life: “Stop licking the mirror.” “Why are you humping my laptop?” and “Don’t whip your mother with a dirty diaper! It’s not nice.” ---
**Author:** ![corvidae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@corvidae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corvidae)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/2 "2009-11-25T15:55:41Z")
“Don’t put cheese on your crown” I’m sure I have a million more, but this is the first one that comes to mind. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/3 "2009-11-25T16:09:47Z")
‘Because I said so’ - I hated getting that from my mother, now I use it :sigh: ‘Don’t wear pj’s in the shower’ ‘Don’t give the dog Flaming Hot Cheetos’ ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/4 "2009-11-25T16:17:43Z")
I’m loving these! As for “because I said so,” I tried it on my 6yo a few weeks ago, and she replied, “That doesn’t make any sense!” ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/5 "2009-11-25T17:57:35Z")
My favorite was “Please throw up in my hands!” In the “crazy things you said quoting your parents” subset, I remember the first time I said “If you’re cold, do a little work and you’ll warm up.” ---
**Author:** ![ethelbert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/958977/32.png) [@ethelbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ethelbert)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/6 "2009-11-25T18:00:32Z")
Kill the children and sell their organs for beer money? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/7 "2009-11-25T18:02:34Z")
“Did you go poopey?” ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/8 "2009-11-25T18:05:02Z")
> [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](#): > > As for “because I said so,” I tried it on my 6yo a few weeks ago, and she replied, “That doesn’t make any sense!” Try “Because that’s how I roll.” ---
**Author:** ![rockle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/73ab20/32.png) [@rockle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rockle)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/9 "2009-11-25T18:45:05Z")
I believe I may have said some of these as recently as this morning: “Please don’t bite Daddy in the boob.” “No, you can’t have chocolate Easter bunny heads for breakfast.”\* “Your face is gonna freeze like that, you know.” “OH MY GOD THE CAT IS NOT A TOY!” “Who put this peanut butter sandwich on the laptop?” “Oh dear GOD, what IS that SMELL?”\*\* - = “… because Mommy already ate them all, the day after Easter. Haha sucker.” \*\* = The “What’s That Smell?” is no longer fun when you’re playing it in the house with Mystery Diaper Contents. ---
**Author:** ![Baracus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/2bfe46/32.png) [@Baracus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baracus)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/10 "2009-11-25T19:04:18Z")
“Let me wipe your butt first” ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/11 "2009-11-25T19:04:24Z")
“Hold still and let me pick your nose.” “Stop molesting the dog.” Last week my 2-year-old son said “Because is not an answer.” ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/12 "2009-11-25T19:04:54Z")
Don’t shove [peas, pennies, pencils, etc] up your nose. ---
**Author:** ![stargazer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb8c5e/32.png) [@stargazer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stargazer)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/13 "2009-11-25T19:07:48Z")
“Don’t walk on the cat!” “No, your car may not have a cookie.” (He was trying to get more cookies by telling me that his toy car wanted one. I’m torn between being proud of his ingenuity - he’s only 2! - and thinking that we’re in for it - he’s only 2.) ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/14 "2009-11-25T19:17:20Z")
> [@fessie](#): > > Try “Because that’s how I roll.” [http://www.cafepress.com/+stroller\_infant\_bodysuit,138007392](http://www.cafepress.com/+stroller_infant_bodysuit,138007392) 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/15 "2009-11-25T19:17:52Z")
“…I said STOP looking at your sister. I mean it Dal, stop now.” ---
**Author:** ![rockle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/73ab20/32.png) [@rockle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rockle)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/16 "2009-11-25T19:33:21Z")
> [@jali](#): > > “…I said STOP looking at your sister. I mean it Dal, stop now.” “DON’T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR AND TURN AROUND!” I can’t believe I have actually uttered these words, and yet. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/17 "2009-11-25T19:42:53Z")
Overheard: ‘‘If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to make you play!’’ ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/18 "2009-11-25T21:26:37Z")
> [@rockle](#): > > “DON’T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR AND TURN AROUND!” > > I can’t believe I have actually uttered these words, and yet. I know. Me too! ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/19 "2009-11-25T21:44:12Z")
“You do not call your mother ‘woman.’” From yesterday. ---
**Author:** ![Lagavulin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ea5d25/32.png) [@Lagavulin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lagavulin)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/20 "2009-11-25T22:36:37Z")
‘No honey, we don’t need a sugar daddy, we need sugar FOR daddy’ (actually this wasn’t me but I overheard it in the grocery store a couple of weeks ago) Don’t lick the radiator. Let me sniff your bum. Let me get that big booger out of your nose. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913.md?page=2)