# Things you never dreamed you'd say, then you became a parent **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 25, 2009, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913 "2009-11-25T15:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/21 "2009-11-25T22:52:02Z")
Son, three years old: “Mom, where are my shoes?” Me: “Gee, I can’t remember where I put them the last time I wore them.” That was one of my mom’s favorites. But sarcasm is wasted on a three-year-old. ---
**Author:** ![MitzeKatze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@MitzeKatze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MitzeKatze)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/22 "2009-11-25T23:09:36Z")
“Why does the cat smell like barbecue sauce?” “Why is the dog wearing make-up?” “Who tattooed the cat?” (he was hairless, it was a stick-on tattoo) “No, you may not shave the [cat, dog, hamster, guinea pig].” and one that I never thought I would ever say, hating it myself as a child…“Eat your [food stuff]. There are starving children in [country].” ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/23 "2009-11-25T23:10:36Z")
But their lack of savvy can be fun too. We still get away with telling bald-faced lies (“All your friends are going to bed now.” “No, there are no more cookies left,” etc.) to our 6yo , followed by “as far as you know.” She still hasn’t caught on. ---
**Author:** ![Boggette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/858c86/32.png) [@Boggette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boggette)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/24 "2009-11-26T00:19:01Z")
> [@freckafree](#): > > …Me: “Gee, I can’t remember where I put them the last time I wore them.”… In my house, everything is in Momma’s ear. “Mom? Where are my shoes?” “In my ear.” ---
**Author:** ![Nightingale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecae2f/32.png) [@Nightingale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nightingale)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/25 "2009-11-26T00:50:04Z")
“Bring Mommy the booger” rates right up there for me. Along with “Don’t drive the tractor on your sister’s head.” (The tractor was a actually a book, with wheels on it. And my daughter was four weeks old.) ---
**Author:** ![Pushkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ee59a6/32.png) [@Pushkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pushkin)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/26 "2009-11-26T00:56:42Z")
Having lived with students for so long (and the drunken drugged up nights in that went with it), it was a bit odd to find myself telling a small person that it _was_ ok to throw up on the bedroom floor. And thanks to the Clone Wars animation, I have to explain that it’s not nice to kill things. Even spiders, which I’m trying to teach my little one are our friends. ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/27 "2009-11-26T01:00:24Z")
“Do NOT put your penis on the dog!” Yup… these words really came out of my mouth. ---
**Author:** ![Lucky\_13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucky_13/32/13209_2.png) [@Lucky\_13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucky_13)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/28 "2009-11-26T03:38:50Z")
“Get out of my shirt. I don’t need an extra butt.” “No, I’m not in the mood for sparkly lip gloss right now. No, I don’t think Grandpa wants to wear any either.” “Will you _please_ step away form the TV so I can dry your hair?” ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/29 "2009-11-26T05:43:15Z")
From one of my aunts to two of her sons: “You are not allowed to pick your nose and you are not allowed to pick your brother’s nose either” - switching glare to the other son involved - “and you are not allowed to pick your nose, nor his. Is that clear?” The uncle, acting preemptively: “and neither of you is allowed to pick your little brother’s nose either.” ---
**Author:** ![Walpurgis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/7ea924/32.png) [@Walpurgis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walpurgis)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/30 "2009-11-26T10:26:18Z")
I found myself saying some pretty unexpected things when I worked in a kindergarten. The best one must have been “No! You can’t bite Kevin in the eyeball!” ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/31 "2009-11-26T14:17:31Z")
> [@Spud](#): > > “Do NOT put your penis on the dog!” > > Yup… these words really came out of my mouth. 😃 I think you win the thread! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/32 "2009-11-26T14:54:17Z")
“There is no such thing as the ‘Hit Daddy on the Head to Make Him Say Ow’ Game. Please do not…Ow!” ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/33 "2009-11-26T14:56:41Z")
Please get that toothbrush out of your butt. No, you can’t use it on your teeth now. I promise you your baby sister isn’t eating my boobies. She’s just drinking milk from them. Please don’t touch my boobies. They’re not magical (followed by an argument as to whether they are, in fact magical - apparently they keep monsters away. Who knew?). ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/34 "2009-11-26T15:02:47Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > They’re not magical (followed by an argument as to whether they are, in fact magical - apparently they keep monsters away. Who knew?). All boobies are magical… every guy in the world knows that. ---
**Author:** ![LadyJane84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@LadyJane84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LadyJane84)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/35 "2009-11-26T15:14:01Z")
No Jesus does NOT want you to put gum in your sister’s hair, said shortly after Mass. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/36 "2009-11-26T15:18:57Z")
> [@freckafree](#): > > Son, three years old: “Mom, where are my shoes?” > > Me: “Gee, I can’t remember where I put them the last time I wore them.” > > That was one of my mom’s favorites. But sarcasm is wasted on a three-year-old. Which is why I always asked: “Have you seen my shoes?” ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/37 "2009-11-26T17:27:57Z")
> [@MitzeKatze](#): > > “Who tattooed the cat?” (he was hairless, it was a stick-on tattoo) > “No, you may not shave the [cat, dog, hamster, guinea pig].” Well, I’d think shaving the cat would be a futile effort. (Or was the cat hairless because they didn’t listen to you?) This thread just makes me glad that there was no Internet when I was a kid. Our embarassing moments may go unrecorded, by by Og we won’t subject our offspring to that kind of anonymity! ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/38 "2009-11-26T18:06:46Z")
" Go outside and blow some stink off." " Making your bed wouldn’t kill you." ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/39 "2009-11-26T18:30:23Z")
“We all do things to help this family. I go to work every day. Your mom cooks for you and cleans. It’s not asking too much for you to have to pick up your toys.” “Don’t you roll your eyes at me like that.” “TV is a privilege, not a right.” “I’m in charge of you under the laws of the State of Ohio.” “When you live in your own house, you can do things differently.” “Go pee, please, and then put on your shoes and coat.” (said before virtually any trip in the car) “You can’t win every game. Part of the fun is the chance that you might lose.” “A ‘no’ from me is a ‘no’ from your Mom, too. A ‘no’ from Mom is a ‘no’ from me, too. Don’t ask the other parent for something when you’ve had an answer from one of us already.” “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” “Watch that attitude, buster.” “A difference which makes no difference, is no difference.” “We strongly disagree with him on a lot of things, but he’s still the President and should be treated with some respect.” (said several times from 2001-09) “I don’t care if he hit you first. Two wrongs don’t make a right.” “Business before pleasure. Finish your homework before you check Facebook.” “Things don’t have to be exactly the same for them to be fair. Just because your brother got [treat, concert, movie, sleepover, etc.] doesn’t mean you have to have the same thing.” ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/40 "2009-11-26T18:56:34Z")
The shoe comments above reminded me of the morning chores I gave my girls when they were small. Dalerie’s only job was to find her shoes. She’d get so excited when she finally found them that we gave her a little ditty “Shoe-finder!” We had to say it the exact same way every time. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913.md?page=3)