# Things you never dreamed you'd say, then you became a parent **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 25, 2009, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913 "2009-11-25T15:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/41 "2009-11-26T19:04:41Z")
I’m not a parent but I never dreamed I’d: \*Call young men “son” (“Excuse me son- can you tell me where the manager’s office is?”), which I’ve done \*Begin sentences to much younger people than I am with “When I was your age…” which I do constantly \*Tell whining entitled college students “You should try _working_ your way through college full time and maintaining a 4.0 when the reading lists were twice that long, it’s a bitch but it can be done…” \*Snap fingers and give a yell at friend’s kids who drink from the carton \*Instinctively slide coasters under guest’s drinks \*Tell my skinny nephew “Damn boy! You look like you traded legs with a jaybird and through in your ass to boot” which I quickly followed with “as your grandmother would have said… she’s not here so I’ll carry on the legacy” and then try to force feed him \*Tell my even skinnier niece “That can’t be healthy- let me get you some pot roast and some potatoes” and argue when she continues eating her biscuit and jelly that she has to put on some weight (which she totally does) \*Begin sentences with “I never thought I’d see the day that…” or “What is the world coming to when…” over current events or prices (and often to total strangers in a shopping line- I lack only the flabby arms and curlers to be those old country women who used to annoy me when I was a kid) ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/42 "2009-11-26T19:19:30Z")
Some of my faves: “Do that again and I’ll kill you dead.” “How would you like me to break off that arm and beat you with it?” “I don’t care if you like it or not, just shut up about it.” (said to my grandson at dinner, I’m ashamed to say) On the occasion last summer when I had a grandson stay with us for a few days in our motorhome. Big signs at the marina saying not to throw rocks. Grandson throwing rocks after being told twice to stop: “If you throw one more rock or even drop one in a fashion that I don’t like, I’m putting you on the next freight train that passes through heading north and telling them to kick you off in Minneapolis.” ---
**Author:** ![the\_Lady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bb73d2/32.png) [@the\_Lady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_Lady)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/43 "2009-11-26T21:16:16Z")
> [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](#): > > Examples from my life: > > “Stop licking the mirror.” Yeah, I wind up saying that one a lot. Along with “stop licking the tv. Yuck” ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/44 "2009-11-26T22:26:08Z")
Honey put on a coat - mommy is cold. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Onimous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea5d25/32.png) [@Ann\_Onimous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Onimous)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/45 "2009-11-26T22:29:37Z")
“Keep your lips on your side of the car!” Spoken during a particularly aggressive game of smooch bug, which my son loves and my daughter despises. ---
**Author:** ![Bookkeeper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bookkeeper/32/281_2.png) [@Bookkeeper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bookkeeper)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/46 "2009-11-27T04:29:16Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Some of my faves: > > “Do that again and I’ll kill you dead.” > > “How would you like me to break off that arm and beat you with it?” > > “I don’t care if you like it or not, just shut up about it.” (said to my grandson at dinner, I’m ashamed to say) > > On the occasion last summer when I had a grandson stay with us for a few days in our motorhome. Big signs at the marina saying not to throw rocks. Grandson throwing rocks after being told twice to stop: “If you throw one more rock or even drop one in a fashion that I don’t like, I’m putting you on the next freight train that passes through heading north and telling them to kick you off in Minneapolis.” My SIL used to threaten to put her daughter out in a chair on the lawn with a sign saying “Please Abduct!” when she was particularly badly behaved. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/47 "2009-11-27T06:00:26Z")
How about I poke you mercilessly till you find your shoes. Would that help you find them? No, standing in one spot and spinning round does not constitute “looking everywhere” ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/48 "2009-11-27T06:29:18Z")
“Did you just take out mommy’s insole and blow your nose on it?” ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/49 "2009-11-27T14:05:02Z")
“The dog doesn’t need to be disimpacted” ---
**Author:** ![Cattitude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@Cattitude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cattitude)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/50 "2009-11-27T14:26:45Z")
“I have to get the booger out so you can breathe!!!” “Stop squirming, you have poopy butt, I need to clean your poopy butt!” “No fingers in the cat’s butt please!” ---
**Author:** ![Wallenstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5a626/32.png) [@Wallenstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallenstein)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/51 "2009-11-27T15:04:08Z")
“Well you see darling… the Tombliboos are going for a ride with Iggle Piggle in the Ninky Nonk, but they have to wait while Makka Pakka uses the Uff Uff attached to his Ogg Pogg to clean it before the Titifors sing and the Pontipines and Wottingers dance” And I thought The Wire had a complicated plot. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/52 "2009-11-27T15:14:17Z")
I cannot believe I actually understood that. God help me. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/53 "2009-11-27T17:39:02Z")
That went totally over my head. Explain, please? ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/54 "2009-11-27T18:23:55Z")
Children’s show called “[In the Night Garden](http://www.inthenightgarden.co.uk/en/default.asp)” - much along the same lines as the Teletubbies, except perhaps trippier - if that’s even humanly possible. ---
**Author:** ![Wallenstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5a626/32.png) [@Wallenstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallenstein)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/55 "2009-11-27T18:25:35Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > That went totally over my head. Explain, please? Yes, you can get an idea of the mushroom trip that passes for pre-school TV entertainment in the UK [here](http://www.inthenightgarden.co.uk/en/visit-characters.asp). More details on [wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Makka_Pakka#Characters). ::sings:: _“Yes, my name is Igglepiggle… Igglepiggle, niggle, wiggle, woo”_ ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/56 "2009-11-27T19:33:10Z")
My almost-five year old daughter is borderline autistic with auditory processing issues. Conversations with her are like solving a puzzle sometimes. This morning she was coughing and complaining her nose hurt. I asked her why she thought it was hurting. She told told me there was candy in her nose. Knowing we haven’t had candy in the house it was my job to figure out what was in her nose, whether it was candy or a small toy or just felt like candy. Sometimes she gives a real answer, other times she just repeats and says yes. Who, what and where questions rarely get a straight answer so I have to play detective. So today I found myself asking, "Do you have an M & M in your nose? Yes. "Do you have a toy in your nose? Yes. “Do you have an elephant in your nose?” Yes. :breaks out the flashlight and Q-tips in frustration: Found out it was a huge green crusty chunk of snot. I guess it must have\* felt \*like a piece of candy up her nose. ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/57 "2009-11-27T20:42:45Z")
Good thing she didn’t eat it! 😉 I don’t have any stories to add, but I’ve actually laughed out loud at some of these. “Don’t put your finger in the cat’s butt.”???!!! ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/58 "2009-11-27T23:22:51Z")
“It’s not a penis.” said in response to: “Mommy has a penis!” ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2009, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/59 "2009-11-28T02:49:33Z")
> [@Wallenstein](#): > > ::sings:: > _“Yes, my name is Igglepiggle… Igglepiggle, niggle, wiggle, woo”_ Something that may not be clear to all North American viewers of _In The Night Garden_ (which I love, as far as preschool entertainment goes) is that “Iggle Piggle” is a (further) corruption of standardized UK infantalism for “ickle pickle,” ultimately parsing as “Little Pickle.” ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2009, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913/60 "2009-11-28T03:14:47Z")
> [@Spud](#): > > “Do NOT put your penis on the dog!” > > Yup… these words really came out of my mouth. There’s GOT to be a backstory to this, and I think we all need to hear it. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/things-you-never-dreamed-youd-say-then-you-became-a-parent/518913.md?page=4)